to not want his friend to move in

[cherrybun01]

hi all,

being told I'm unfeeling apparently but I really dont think I am, however of course I could be being biased due to previous experience and lack of sleep!

me and dh have a 9 month old. we live in a 2 bed apartment of okay size, with kitchen, 1 bathroom and a front room plus the 2 bedrooms. my partners friend has asked him if he can move in. I have said no for the following reason:

• the room he would occupy is my babys nursery and is going to be my office space when I go back to work soon, temporarily. baby currently sleeps in our room. I wouldnt want a lodger in our babies nursery anyway as all their play things are in there, without the fact it's going to be where all my office things are.

I have been argued that we could put babies things elsewhere and that my office area will only be taking a corner and friend could use the rest of the space

• we lived briefly with this friend before a few years ago when we didnt have a baby and I hated it. became very much a lad house, with fifa constantly and beers and me generally feeling like a third wheel in my own home. so naturally I'm not keen on our family home potentially becoming like this again. feels unfair on me and our baby.

• said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it. I cannot think of anything worse than this smell being in my babies future room.

• I turned my own brother down for similar reasons some months ago.

I have been told I am unfair, unfeeling and that I am loosing us 200 pound a month he would give us. we dont need the money. his friend wont let it drop, keeps asking dh to try and persuade me. I had hoped no would of been enough but apparently not!

AIBU?

[cherrybun01]

data*

[cherrybun01]

and no, fortunately no phone/video calls either. I do date maintenance and book edits on websites like amazon/books sites

[cherrybun01]

I have got childcare, sorry probably wasnt overly clear but my step father will be here 3 of the days and 2 days I will be working remotely at my grandparents house but that only works because I'll be working from home - stepfather will still need to pop out here and there to do odd jobs himself occasionally and my grandparents will appreciate my being there to take over at lunch and during my morning/afternoon breaks. I'm very fortunate actually in that respect but so is he - shame he cant see it though

[Minimumstandard]

He needs to pay his fair share while you are on mat leave (and that's a lot more than half the rent ). The baby is his too and the reason you're not earning is because you're caring for your joint child, not having a holiday.

You need childcare if you're going to be working from home. It's unrealistic to expect to do both with any reasonable degree of competence and maintain your sanity.

[okokok000]

A close relative's husband did this and insisted she pay her way on Mat leave. In the end she produced evidence as to what the value of her input was and he factored it in to what she "owed" 🙄.

Pretty disgusting in my opinion but it was the only way she could get him to back off.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

100%
What a dick he is
No , just no

[Solasum]

So you are planning on looking after your child while working from home OP? That would never had worked for me. My DS is nearly seven now and it is only now I am able to work from home and actually get anything done, and even now breaks are needed. Do you never need to do phone/video calls, or concentrate for more than 10 minutes on something? Sorry to ask, but just thought it is worth considering, in case it will lead into a conversation with your DH about logistics

[freeingNora]

He's getting set to show up at your door all hound dog with his bags practice telling him to fuck off you'll never get rid of him. I suggest you have a massive row state that no way is he welcome in your house ever. Text the CF and tell he is not setting foot in your home again and DH will see him after his quarantine at the local pub but he won't be allowed in you have no room.

[MollyButton]

Just to add my son pays £400 a month and knows he has a very good deal.

Just say no - and don't let him "pop round" either.

[KatharinaRosalie]

So you will be doing 3 jobs and he just 1?

[cherrybun01]

@intheenddoesitreallymatter that was my response too - I actually showed him the full bill of what it would cost in my area to put her in full time nursery from 8 until 6 which is what we would need and lets just say it was a lot more than what our rent is!

[intheenddoesitreallymatter]

@cherrybun01

lol that row has ended thankfully. said friend is moving in with another mate!

we have now moved onto rows about how he is paying the rent whilst I'm on maternity, even though I will be working from home saving him lots of money on childcare and do all the housework too but that's a story for another thread am sure :)

Offer to go back to work full time!

I'm sure when he sees how much nurseries are he'll change his tune!

[RedToothBrush]

@cherrybun01

lol that row has ended thankfully. said friend is moving in with another mate!

we have now moved onto rows about how he is paying the rent whilst I'm on maternity, even though I will be working from home saving him lots of money on childcare and do all the housework too but that's a story for another thread am sure :)

So he doesn't value you or your daughter as having a right to your own space in your own home. He doesn't like it when you say no to his mate. And now he holds it against you and acts in what is a financially abusive manner.

Either you or him needs to wise up...

[Feedingthebirds1]

we have now moved onto rows about how he is paying the rent whilst I'm on maternity, even though I will be working from home saving him lots of money on childcare and do all the housework too but that's a story for another thread am sure

Ah. So he's a people pleaser and a pushover only where his friends are concerned. If it's you, y'know, his wife, he starts creating a balance sheet.

He sounds charming. Not.

[Hairdyehell]

No is a full sentence

[cherrybun01]

lol that row has ended thankfully. said friend is moving in with another mate!

we have now moved onto rows about how he is paying the rent whilst I'm on maternity, even though I will be working from home saving him lots of money on childcare and do all the housework too but that's a story for another thread am sure :)

[Dillo10]

Wow I've never seen a 100% YANBU before!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Loving the unanswered 1482 vote count - was it this thread, which said even trolls were too shocked to vote against the trend?

Anyway. Good luck. With any luck you’ll get this loser out of your life for good at some stage.

[moanyhole]

no way and dont bow to just one or 2 nights either or you'll be stuck with him

[dentydown]

Oh god! No! What if one of you had a temperature and YOU ALL had to isolate in the tiny 2 bed flat. You in your corner in the room working away, him sleeping in the bed at the other end, your baby and your husband. It paints a grim picture!

[justilou1]

I came back to say exactly what PP just said. Don’t be surprised if you start getting pressured to put him up until he can find a place of his own. (But he won’t look...)

[OldEvilOwl]

watch he doesnt try and kip on your sofa for a couple of nights - you will never get rid of him

[Tarantallegra]

@CharityDingle Yes I agree with you, it would only be in the scenario of someone actually being homeless right now that I'd want to help with a time limit and not allow them to get comfy with a room or bed. In this scenario there is still plenty of time to stop this from happening.

I "helped out" a family member and they didn't budge for well over a year so I will never be making that mistake again.

[CharityDingle]

@Tarantallegra

I was inclined to say I'd let him sleep on the sofa for a week while looking for a room to rent if he really is going to be homeless. Then I saw that this won't happen "for a few weeks", that's more than enough time to find a room so if he is made homeless it's entirely his own fault. I do worry that he won't bother and just show up anyway to guilt you into it, your dp needs to be very firm so he doesn't try to pull this sort of stunt.

No, no, no. He shouldn't get a foot inside the door. Before they know it they would be stuck with him, while his family all heave a collective sigh of relief that they didn't even have to fob him off very much, and that some other mug is stuck with him.

Fuck that 'people pleaser' shit that I see so often mentioned on here. If DH wants to live with him, then they move in together ELSEWHERE.

[iguanadonna]

Massive no. No reasons or excuses or negotiations. This is an obvious no.

But as people have pointed out, the problem here is your DH thinking it was even ok to ask you, let alone ask you repeatedly. He needs to get a spine and start empathizing with you, not knobhead friends.

Be totally clear on this with him, because it's going to set a tone for the future.