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AIBU?

to not want his friend to move in

243 replies

cherrybun01 · 29/09/2020 19:25

hi all,

being told I'm unfeeling apparently but I really dont think I am, however of course I could be being biased due to previous experience and lack of sleep!

me and dh have a 9 month old. we live in a 2 bed apartment of okay size, with kitchen, 1 bathroom and a front room plus the 2 bedrooms. my partners friend has asked him if he can move in. I have said no for the following reason:

  • the room he would occupy is my babys nursery and is going to be my office space when I go back to work soon, temporarily. baby currently sleeps in our room. I wouldnt want a lodger in our babies nursery anyway as all their play things are in there, without the fact it's going to be where all my office things are.


I have been argued that we could put babies things elsewhere and that my office area will only be taking a corner and friend could use the rest of the space

  • we lived briefly with this friend before a few years ago when we didnt have a baby and I hated it. became very much a lad house, with fifa constantly and beers and me generally feeling like a third wheel in my own home. so naturally I'm not keen on our family home potentially becoming like this again. feels unfair on me and our baby.


  • said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it. I cannot think of anything worse than this smell being in my babies future room.


  • I turned my own brother down for similar reasons some months ago.


I have been told I am unfair, unfeeling and that I am loosing us 200 pound a month he would give us. we dont need the money. his friend wont let it drop, keeps asking dh to try and persuade me. I had hoped no would of been enough but apparently not!

AIBU?
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Am I being unreasonable?

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KatharinaRosalie · 29/09/2020 21:01

But..why? IdÅ› your DH 17 and thinks he's in some kind of flat share? Who in their right mind would want to move a friend into their baby's room? And what kind of weirdo wants to live with a family who has a tiny baby and clearly no room for anybody else?

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tara66 · 29/09/2020 21:04

It's a horror of all horrors scenario. This will wreck your marriage. Offer to give him £200 if he will go away and never come back. How can anyone be so thick skinned? What part of ''No'' does he not understand?

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TheABC · 29/09/2020 21:04

This CF "friend" is pushing as he knows DH is a soft touch.
You are not.

Feel free to be the heartless bitch. It's good training for when your toddler is having a sweetie-deprived meltdown in the supermarket.

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Standrewsschool · 29/09/2020 21:08

@MysteriesOfTheOrganism

I was thinking "hell, no" even before I read about the weed smoking. Hell, no - and then some.

Me too!
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Lysianthus · 29/09/2020 21:08

@Sunnydayhere

Don’t encourage him to come over for evening drinks either.

He’ll decide its too late, he’s too pissed, its cold etc etc and will end up staying over on your sofa.

Bingo - before you know it he’s moved in.

You’re having a hard time having you response of NO being accepted - this is nothing compared to getting rid of him once he gets his feet under the table.

This, in spades.
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cherrybun01 · 29/09/2020 21:09

I have said no and will definitley not be changing my mind, it's more the guilt tripping from supposed friend claiming they will be homeless and that I'm unfeeling.

he is currently working abroad but is returning within a few weeks so needs to find work over here and somewhere to live. his whole family (mum, brother, sister) live within 10 minutes of me so not sure why this is mine and dh problem, although apparently his sister has no room and his mum has said no as their relationship is a little frosty. I can completely see how he has managed to make my dh feel bad but it doesnt wash with me. I care about my baby and her home not his issues - I heard it all the last time we lived with him.

OP posts:
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Standrewsschool · 29/09/2020 21:11

sparerooms

Point him in the direction of this website.

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cherrybun01 · 29/09/2020 21:11

this friend truly has no shame. like I said he damaged my BIL relationship by turning up constantly and used to encourage BIL to lie to his girlfriend to get out of plans he had made with her so they could go drinking instead. I'm honestly not sure why they havent told him to do one, I can only assume its misplaced loyalty because of the length of time they've all known each other.

OP posts:
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LindaEllen · 29/09/2020 21:12

It's your home, and even the simple reason that you don't want someone else in your home is reason enough to say no. But you gave even more valid reasons, which your husband should respect.

Your baby should sleep in the nursery. You do not have a spare room for this friend.

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CharityDingle · 29/09/2020 21:12

@cherrybun01

I have said no and will definitley not be changing my mind, it's more the guilt tripping from supposed friend claiming they will be homeless and that I'm unfeeling.

he is currently working abroad but is returning within a few weeks so needs to find work over here and somewhere to live. his whole family (mum, brother, sister) live within 10 minutes of me so not sure why this is mine and dh problem, although apparently his sister has no room and his mum has said no as their relationship is a little frosty. I can completely see how he has managed to make my dh feel bad but it doesnt wash with me. I care about my baby and her home not his issues - I heard it all the last time we lived with him.

Ha, I wonder why his family can't accommodate him. It's a puzzler... Wink

Stand your ground, OP. Bullshit to this 'people pleasing' thing.
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Letseatgrandma · 29/09/2020 21:12

Where the hell else would he be able to live anywhere for even double that-he is taking the poss so badly?!

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Anydreamwilldo12 · 29/09/2020 21:12

Jesus! Tell your husband to get a backbone, his friend sounds like big trouble and a cheeky git. Good for you for sticking to your guns

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MadameMeursault · 29/09/2020 21:13

One of those reasons would be enough to say NO, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY EVER but all of them combined? Your DH and his so-called friend are total dicks to think this could ever be a reasonable request.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2020 21:13

@RubyViolet

No. He’s a cuckoo.
You cannot risk lockdown with this loser in your flat. No !
Your partner needs to grow up and protect his family, put you and his child first.
Just No !

Oh gosh I hadn’t even thought of lockdown. Was going to say hell no. But that’s far too ambiguous for my feeling toward this guy in relation to a harmless baby.
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MeridianB · 29/09/2020 21:14

He is no friend. What a cretin!

Stand your ground, OP. I also totally agree with PP who said don’t let him over for dinner as he will stay. And stay...

This is like a horror version of You, Me and Dupree!

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jessstan2 · 29/09/2020 21:15

I don't blame you at all, stick to your guns. There is no room for another person, full stop.

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Pebblexox · 29/09/2020 21:15

I don't understand why a married man, with a baby would even want a friend living with him?
I'd only consider letting a friend or family member temporarily live with dh and I if they were absolutely desperate and had nowhere to go. This is so bizarre to me. Keep that foot down and tell them no.

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MadameMeursault · 29/09/2020 21:16

Even the trolls who go on totally reasonable threads to make the YABU vote 1% are so shocked by this they aren’t voting.

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Henrysfakebarns · 29/09/2020 21:17

The friend moving in would be insane. Try turning the tables and asking DP why he is happy to compromise his baby daughter's home? Why is he happy to leave her without a room for her to play in and eventually sleep in? Why is he happy for his baby to live in a house that stinks of weed and where there's always a random jobless friend?

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SapatSea · 29/09/2020 21:18

I bet given "he has no work" that the £50 will soon not be forthcoming either and you'll be expected to cook meals and your Dh provide beer etc. Can you sublet a room (if you are inprivate rented/council/HA) it may well be against the terms of your contract.

Glad you are sticking to your guns. Not your peoblem, seems even his family don't want him.

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KatharinaRosalie · 29/09/2020 21:18

his sister has no room and his mum has said no

You have no room and you have said no!

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cherrybun01 · 29/09/2020 21:19

@Pebblexox this is the argument I'm getting thrown at me though (well the argument the friend is guilt tripping dh with) that he is going to be homeless, jobless, out in the cold and all that. my dh is s complete soft touch when it comes to people pleasing and not wanting to upset his friends. it has caused rows in the past actually. this is a step too far though. this is mine and my daughters home, it's not for shares!

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SmellsLikeFeet · 29/09/2020 21:19

Ask him where he can live for £7.14 or something like that a day ,and suggest he chooses that
Apologies if slightly out, calculating in my head

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Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2020 21:21

I do not think I have ever seen a full house of 100% YANBU before. But here it is!

To be honrst OP this friend is a manipulator and your dh is weak. I'd go straight to the source and tell the friend the answer is NO.

If my dh pushed it, I'm not sure I'd be willing to stay with any one who cared so little for me and our child. Sorry. Flowers

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lborgia · 29/09/2020 21:21

A people pleaser, but this doesn’t apply to his own wife? Lovely.

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