To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

Your husband is financially abusing you op. The children are not just your responsibility.

If you both agreed to you being at home he should have been paying into a pension For you
Get that sorted ASAP without a job
How much is your monthly pocket money? Are you sure you are not financially abused?

However, £200 disposable income per month after fuel and food costs isn't shabby either.

It's not disposable income, she also needs to buy clothes for herself and her DC out of that, haircuts, days out etc. And he's on 6 figures, no mortgage, buying him whatever whenever he fancies. If he also had 60 quid for his clothes, hair and entertainment, then fair enough, but he does not.

Divorce him and go for half. Your post is very sad.

Sorry I don't understand how you can say in the same sentence "my husband earns over 100k... But I have hardly any money" erm no you have over 100k, you've been raising his children (I assume they're his) so why is it mine and yours particularly if you don't work? Surely your bank account is joint and you just have family money? You are very silly to go along with this setup if he keeps all the money and throws you bits of change.

I think being a sahp is tough, I have done 2 X 12 months mat leave and I found it harder than work. It's relentless. My husband works ft but still came home and pulled his weight but even still it's harder than I had imagined looking after kids and a house. I found I craved adult company and not that you get at those god awful groups where you sit around singing to a disinterested baby 😆! Like adult conversation!!

I imagine that like myself and many of my friends, you facilitate your husband’s earning potential and your family’s wellbeing by being a sahm.

Until Covid, most people I know making over £100k a year or more work very long days, commute, travel and are required to be available most of the time. If you have a young family this means you either have a full time live in nanny, or the other parent stays at home.

People have to do what’s right for them but I find it astonishing and very sad that any parent at home would not feel entitled to be financially equal with the one earning. You are currently not earning because you are a sahm, not because you are lazy.

Have you posted before OP? I hope so as I would dread to think of more women in this situation.
Your husband is not only financially abusing you but his own children.
Presumably out of the £4700 a month that remains to him he pays the household bills and then the rest he just keeps?
I agree with PP that divorce would see you in a much better position financially.
Could you afford a place of your own with half the equity?

I'm another who says get a job and leave him. Your husband is abusive and he would abuse you if you sat on your ass all day eating chocolate and watching TV, or if you ran a Fortune 500 company. I have done many things during my 25 year marriage. I have been a full time employee, I have run my own business, I have been a SAHM and I currently work part time earning fuck all at a job I love. My husband has never, ever treated me as anything other than his partner and has treated me as such regardless of how much I earn. Don't you think you deserve the same treatment from the man who claims to love you?

All the stay at home mums in my circle/among my peers, were a bit nuts within 2 years. I don't think it suits many people anymore (I include stay at home parents of all genders in that).

Hmm. These types of comments annoy me. My dh has had friends ask them what I do all day with a cleaner coming twice a week and an au pair. We have 3 kids and a dog. I get so annoyed when people think I must relax all day. Sure I have it easier then some. But I’m actually very involved with my kids. Mornings start 6am with the baby. Au pair takes over baby at 7am while I quickly get ready and wake the Older kids by 7:20aM. Help them to get ready (reminding them many times to put their clothes on! Brush teeth, hair etc). Kids down for breakfast w au pair and I take over baby for a bit. Then I pass baby back to au pair and take older kids and dog for the school run. I return by 9am and feed dog. Take over baby. Play w her a bit, breastfeed her, settle her for nap. Go down and have a quick breakfast. Tidy, do some admin (buy things needed online for kids, pay bills, book appointments). Baby wakes....and lets skip to evening. After I get the baby to bed by 7pm. I have dinner. And then I’m now getting the older kids ready for bed, reading w them etc. The middle one sleeps 8:30ish. The older one 9:15/30! So it’s a long busy day. I then have about 30 mins of me time before the baby wakes for a breastfeed. Then I go to bed because I’m tired and she usually wakes again at 3am.

So please tell me, does this sound like a lazy SAHM?!

@Camobag

We don’t have a mortgage. It’s things like he broke his iPad by dropping it and just went and bought a new one. That’s way more than he gives me a month. I wait for birthdays / Christmas for things I need - he would just buy them. But he works - it’s his. I am lucky to be able to have stayed at home. I just want to have some autonomy which is why I need a job. I was stupid to give up work.

I don’t agree with ‘... he works - it’s his.’

Anything he earns while you’re taking care of children and housework is also at least partly yours, because you enabled the earning.

You'll be better off getting a divorce.

I’m a stay at home mum. My children are teenagers now and don’t need me at home as such. I’m far from lazy. I’m busy all day, mostly housework. I doubt I’ll ever go back to work full time now.

I would get a job OP and work out childcare for your own sanity and pension etc... WOHMs are also SAHMs as they have a job, plus they do the same daily jobs as SAHMs. At least I do. I work 50+ hours but still juggle everything with DH. I can't imagine what the life of a SAHM is like. I often feel sorry for them - looks like very little mental stimulation.

OP, I have read all of your posts, but not what others have said, so this may have been suggested.

Claim child benefit, it covers your state pension contributions and allow your husband to repay it through his tax return.

Clearly you are not lazy, I was a SAHM for 7 years and loved all of it. I did everything and the weekends were all fun. I now work full time and we spend on cleaner, and childminder. My husband contributes more to the chores and childcare and everything feels much more equal. Overall I am happier.

You shouldn’t be struggling.

I'm a SAHM.

I've had full access to our bank account ever since I went on maternity leave 30 years ago and DH changed his account to a joint one.

If we need something big, we discuss it between us.

I'm not lazy either, I've done voluntary work since my youngest was in Playgroup. I doubt there's many of us that are.

Looking after your own child in your own time can be tiresome and mind numbingly boring but it isn't difficult. I know, I've done it, three times. Trying to keep somebodies 16 year old daughter alive after she’d been run-over by a Double-Decker London bus, now that's a challenge.

@WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC

Some SAHMs are lazy, others aren't. Same as WOHMs.

Back to the point of your post though, you're in a financially abusive marriage, do you realise that?

This

Do I think sahm are lazy?
Yes.

So what though, I'd love to not work if I didn't have to. I'd be proper lazy.

I also think the working parent money should be shared, it should be family money. If I was the working parent, it would be.

Past toddlerhood, being a SAHM is much easier, surely. I have never been one, but understand why you would want to early on in a baby's or babies' lives. However, after they start school, you are handing over part of that responsibility and need to "find" yourself again.

If he earns £100K, I estimate his take home pay is between 5K and 6K a month? More? Personally, I wouldn't want to hand over any hard-earned money for personal expenses such as haircuts or clothes to anyone so I see his point, but you seem to be managing the household budget out of yours, and the allowance leaves 9/10 to him... What was your original agreement? Did you agree to pay for food/petrol/etc. out of your allowance? Are you in a relationship where you can discuss that this is not doable?

I think if you manage your time well, you can do much more with your time. I speak as someone where both parties work full time, home educate to a very ambitious standard and renovate their house at the same time. It's doable, but very stressful. So I am torn between saying it's lazy or otherwise. You are in charge.

Agreed. If he didn't want it to be shared he could've said at the start that rather than you be a sahm youd return to work and split childcare costs between you based fairly on income

Tell DH you are opening a joint account and you want his salary paid into there and he can take out a chunk for his own pocket money and saving fund bit from now on, family money needs to be in the family pot.

He earns that much and you don’t feel he gives you enough...this isn’t right at all
A marriage should be about sharing IMO, you are at home running a home and bringing up children why would you live in a position like this, he earns a lot and therefore you as his partner should not feel like this
Work if you want to otherwise enjoy the fact that he is a high earner and you are doing your part also in the relationship

Hi OP, I don't think your husband is treating you as an equal, more like an au pair with that wage. If you were to add up the cost of all the jobs you do within the house and looking after the children it would be £50k a year, paying the basic wage to others to do your SAH job!! Wage increase or divorce.