To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

Most high earners don’t work a 9-5 job with flexi time that allows them to drop off or pick up their children from school.

Is there evidence of this?
Ime the higher up you are the easier it is to wfh/have flexi time & that was pre Covid.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

I know plenty of lawyers on much more than 100k who have that sort of flexibility.

And if they're presenting in court you would like them to tell the judge to halt proceedings as they need to go and pick their sick child up from school? Honestly. THINK, people!!!

Not all lawyers go to court. There is a whole branch of the profession that does non-contentious advisory and transactional work.

Apart from what my DH does, I can think of plenty of roles in which it's genuinely difficult to get off early to pick the kids up. Please engage your brain a bit more, it's so depressing....

And clearly you have no idea what other types of roles involve. Not everybody is working 6 month shifts on an oil rig in the middle of the North Sea and Ally McBeal is not a documentary either. If you tried that thinking and engaging thing you so warmly recommend, you might realise here are plenty high paying roles that offer flexibility, even if your personal husband's allegedly does not.

@CheetasOnFajitas I think my cousins firm (MC) actually try & avoid going to court, she definitely does!

Hear hear @G5000. @CurlyhairedAssassin rather hilariously proves her own point that most people do not know what other people’s jobs involve.

Strange how many people think that high earning jobs and flexibility can not possibly go hand-in-hand- not sure why those describing this from personal experience would have any reason to lie. It stands to reason- the more senior you are, the more you are in control of your own diary and the more juniors you have to delegate things to.

Not all lawyers go to court. There is a whole branch of the profession that does non-contentious advisory and transactional work.

Yes, I'm well aware of that, thankyou. I know people with those types of jobs in law. My point was that so many people seem to be saying that men (or women who are the main earner for that matter) are just making an excuse if they say their job doesn't fit with childcare. There are PLENTY of jobs where is it genuinely difficult. It doesn't matter how much you say it on here, though, as a SAHM, you still get people piling on saying "well, I'm sure he could if he tried harder." These people have no imagination.

It’s all been said really, but as a SAHP myself, I have to say that I don’t understand why anyone would generalise one persons job over another. I literally do 90% everything in our house from cleaning to DIY, gardening and car maintenance and it’s 7 days a week. There are lazy people in life wether they get paid for it or not. As for finances, we’re a family...the money goes in one pot. End of. It’s not about ‘I earned this so it’s mine’. You’re sacrificing a career and your own ability to earn in order for your husband to work. If you worked there would be childcare costs for instance that he would have to contribute to and as a percentage, not half and half. The balance of support and power in your marriage is not in your favour. I couldn’t be in a partnership where one person does not acknowledge my valuable contribution.

I hope that collectively, the advice given by everyone before me, helps you.

[quote pollypork]@CheetasOnFajitas I think my cousins firm (MC) actually try & avoid going to court, she definitely does! [/quote]
That’s something different @pollypork- if you work in a dispute resolution role the strategy is usually to only go to court/tribunal if all else fails. However there are lots and lots of lawyers who never get involved in disputes full stop (apart from the compulsory 6 months when they are trainees) - most of the MC firms are majority transactional/advisory lawyers.

Your husband has brainwashed you into believing you’re less than. Chances are he would be just as dismissive of your efforts if you were a part-time worker earning, say, 30k.

I would leave in a heartbeat.

I'm also aware that in many careers, the higher up you go the more you can work flexibly/get juniors to do the grunt work. I guess these are roles that are done during office/daytime hours. With some working from home in the evening when required.

Equally there are many that CAN'T. There are also plenty of jobs which have high responsibility and lack of flexibility which sadly are not figure salaries either.

@CheetasOnFajitas that makes sense.

Who cares about this job, that job, flexible / non-flexible yadda yadda. What does this have to do with the OP who is (SAHM, WOHM, flexi- time mum or whatever you will) married to a bloody lunatic who thinks it’s all fine and normal to give your wife an allowance?! Give me strength.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Not all lawyers go to court. There is a whole branch of the profession that does non-contentious advisory and transactional work.

Yes, I'm well aware of that, thankyou. I know people with those types of jobs in law. My point was that so many people seem to be saying that men (or women who are the main earner for that matter) are just making an excuse if they say their job doesn't fit with childcare. There are PLENTY of jobs where is it genuinely difficult. It doesn't matter how much you say it on here, though, as a SAHM, you still get people piling on saying "well, I'm sure he could if he tried harder." These people have no imagination.

But why did you pick my post to make that point? I never said “all lawyers have flexible jobs”. I was responding to a post that said that nobody who earned 100k plus could possibly have a flexible job, stating the fact that numerous lawyers on that salary or higher do have a degree of flexibility. There was no need for rudely accusing me of at best not thinking and at worst, making things up.

Good point @innerspinner the wife is clearly married to a shit who is financially abusive.

@innerspinner 🙌

SIX figure salaries.

Sorry, I'm just sticking up for a branch of SAHPs who get stick all the time on here from people suggesting they're lazy and making excuses not to get a job, and that their working spouse is controlling and equally full of excuse why they can't get involved in childcare. Been there, done that, and it's very tiresome explaining to people who have preconceived ideas about what your life involves.

[quote Mella91]@IceSkater Wow. As a working mum, I got tired just reading that!!!!

as for me

9am - work
4pm - back home (house cleaned, food cooked by nanny)
5pm - 1 hour rest with DS
6PM - Dinner
6.30-8pm - quality time with DS and his bedtime.
8pm to 11pm - leisure.

Guess who's schedule is 'lazy'[/quote]
I'm a working mum and tbh do alot of what ice Skater does as well as my work as I am luckily able to be a bit flexible and do some work early morning/evening. I also do chores at night after work. We are all different. Only lazy people are lazy. For me it isnt a sahm/working mum thing.

And yes, it's derailing the thread somewhat.

Perhaps OP's husband does have a job that makes it very difficult for him to get involved in any childcare arrangements. It's not clear. But, OP, any normal person in that working situation would absolutely recognise the massive contribution their SAHSpouse makes in enabling them to have such a working pattern and would certainly not be withholding any money or giving them a "pitiful allowance."

As everyone else has said, I hope you realise what is happening there. You should be worried for your financial security.

@CurlyhairedAssassin, MN is particularly vitriolic when it comes to the matter of SAHM. I’m not sure from where this loathing stems. I certainly feel zero hatred for women who work part-time, full-time, no-time, one day a week. Truly, who gives a shit.

What concerns me more is the amount of feckless, unaccountable men out there, and, judging from the vast quantity of threads on here about that, it has zilch to do with whether their spouse works out of the home or otherwise, and everything to do with how these men have been raised/the current trend for men to see themselves as triumphant solo vessels and not at all part of a family unit.

This argument of being a SAHM and working mums is endless. Because a SAHM claims that it is hard work which it is absolutely until the children start school. Then on the other hand a single working mum will obviously recognise they are working but so is the working mum also doing the exact same things!

also doing the exact same things!

Except they aren’t doing the EXACT same things unless the children go to work with their working parents!

@Alongcameacat speak for yourself. I’ve had to look after my DS and still do then work a 13hour shift. Working mums still have the load of cooking, cleaning and rushing to meet time scales to get places unlike SAHM. Plus like I said it doesn’t last forever once the child gets to 4/5 it’s easier all round.

Well, I'm a full time working mum.. And I have to pay a considerable chunk of my (split with DH) wage to get someone else to look after DD while I work. So someone else's full time job is my DC's care.. Ergo childcare is a full time job.

Don't get me started on the guilt. Trust me, if my H earned 100k+ a year I wouldn't be working... Though I can't say she wouldn't still be in maybe 2 mornings a week so I could catch a break. Mat leave was hard.. Work is hard. Life is hard. Stuff anyone who makes you feel like you're not "earning yoyr keep."

Blulorry Who minded your child while you were in work? While you were travelling to and from work? In the morning when the child woke and you were starting/finishing a 13 hour shift? While you slept if you were doing nights?

@Alongcameacat when DS was a baby I would have sort DS after a night shift... so while I don’t think SAHM are lazy I just think it is a God dam check that they have made their choice and then they want to make it into a competition with a working mum. Plus children go to school.... so SAHMs are not cooking and cleaning all day once their kids are at school are they!