To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

Meant to post I agree with the above!

I'd give up a Maldives holiday for a year's worth of a better situation anyday and actually seeing the dc as I certainly wouldnt envy a 59 hr week! I'd hate to live for a holiday...

Hmm your situation is unique then or you are lying. I have never known anyone earning 100k+ (not even consultants) to be able to do things like the schoolrun / pop round to the shops etc. There is often a significant amount of pressure to work or be available 24-7 because if the shit hits the fan someone at that salary level would be accountable.

Not unique. I know plenty of lawyers on much more than 100k who have that sort of flexibility. It’s easy now with mobile internet (and easier still now we are all WFH). You don’t have to account for your whereabouts as long as the hours are done and you generally respond to clients within a reasonable time frame. Sometimes you’ll be flat out, but you are not micromanaged.

I'd theres anything this pandemic has thought people it is that sahp are not lazy!

Hmm your situation is unique then or you are lying. I have never known anyone earning 100k+ (not even consultants) to be able to do things like the schoolrun / pop round to the shops etc.

I know plenty of people on 100K+ and every single one of them is able to do at least some of the school runs if they want to.

Now, some of them, almost exclusively men with SAHMs claim they cannot possibly have any flexibility and they definitely can't do anything to help with kids and oh dear, can't get home before bedtime again..but that's a different matter.

There is often a significant amount of pressure to work or be available 24-7 because if the shit hits the fan someone at that salary level would be accountable.

I think you’ve pigeon holed high earners into “accountable management”. Lots of high earners get paid a lot for what they know, not how well they can manage stuff. If you’ve got the expertise, your the one holding the reigns on how and when you’re available.

You’re*

I think some sahm are lazy, some aren’t. I don’t see much reason to be a sahm to school age kids though. @pollypork is totally right that people post that stuff that their dh couldn’t do their job without them there and it’s invariably rubbish. I used to work in the city in a high paid role - none of the women in similar roles had sahds but some of the men did. Seems that when women have these roles, they manage to juggle the kids but men not so much.

Also I suspect in many cases, these women wanted to give up work and are making a choice. Also in many cases they were much lower earners to start with.

Eg in ops case, she is in a hugely unequal relationship. Financially it would seem she has a tiny proportion of the earning power of her dh. While that rings alarm bells from his perspective (why is he so keen to have such a vulnerable partner who is not his equal financially) it also rings alarm bells from hers. Ultimately it sounds like an unhappy and unequal relationship.

Op has also not stated what her dh view is on her not working. It may be that he is unhappy with her not working and didn’t agree to it. Which is fair enough- no one should be forced to be the sole breadwinner either.

Im sorry op

"""I'd give up a Maldives holiday for a year's worth of a better situation anyday and actually seeing the dc as I certainly wouldnt envy a 59 hr week! hmm I'd hate to live for a holiday..."""

That's only two out of four breaks during school holidays, plus weekends away. As I work from home I see DC round the clock, so I'm more than happy. I just have to multi-task. I choose this luxury lifestyle - two high end cars and a detached house in its own grounds - and we are a happy family.

@silverfonze

Admin is mostly quickly done on our mobiles during working day.

What jobs do you have where you have time to do personal stuff on your mobile during your working day?

That's only two out of four breaks during school holidays, plus weekends away. As I work from home I see DC round the clock, so I'm more than happy. I just have to multi-task. I choose this luxury lifestyle - two high end cars and a detached house in its own grounds - and we are a happy family

Absolute codswallop.

@silverfonze

You're very short-sighted. I have no idea why SAHM say their DH couldn't work high paid job without them there. Perhaps their DH has to leave the house at 6am? Shift work, on call 24 hours, working away, often last minute? Why have those possibilities not entered your mind? This was the sitatuion I was in when mine were little. For us, it was best that I stayed at home while they were very little, then I gradually upped my hours around the childcare that was available. DH's hours are still ridiculous, but the kids are teens now that I'm FT, so are obviously more independent. I have to say, though, they're both a bit lacking in attention from either of us, we're both fucking knackered and the house is a shit tip. So not ideal all round really. Yes, there are households where both parents DO work FT and have busy lives but it often end up the lifestyle that most would aspire to. It's a hard slog in a lot of cases which probably adds a decade to your age. If I could go PT it would cut us all a bit of slack and life would be so much more pleasant.. I'm not sure why people can't see this.

Now, some of them, almost exclusively men with SAHMs claim they cannot possibly have any flexibility and they definitely can't do anything to help with kids and oh dear, can't get home before bedtime again..but that's a different matter.

Again, some people really do not have any clue about what different careers involve. Apart from what my DH does, I can think of plenty of roles in which it's genuinely difficult to get off early to pick the kids up. Please engage your brain a bit more, it's so depressing....

You really should value what you bring to your family. Imagine if you weren’t there what a huge loss it would it be, how they would cope without your contribution. My DH has been helping out more at home as I have recently qualified into a fairly demanding profession, I could not have done it without his support or if I did it would have been a million times more difficult. Don’t underestimate your value

I know plenty of lawyers on much more than 100k who have that sort of flexibility.

And if they're presenting in court you would like them to tell the judge to halt proceedings as they need to go and pick their sick child up from school? Honestly. THINK, people!!!

If you’ve got the expertise, your the one holding the reigns on how and when you’re available.

Not another one.....

I'm not going to read any more. I find it shocking how unaware some people are.

@CayrolBaaaskin

used to work in the city in a high paid role - none of the women in similar roles had sahds but some of the men did. Seems that when women have these roles, they manage to juggle the kids but men not so much.

True dat!

Sounds like a line he’s fed to you to put down your self worth to be honest.
It’s both your money he shouldn’t be treating you like a child.
I was in a financial and emotionally abusive marriage so maybe I’m a bit hyper sensitive but I tenner being “given“ money And I had to cover my DC and myself with that allowance whilst he spent “his” money on whatever he wanted I never had enough for niceties only the basics.
And in answer to your OP no I don’t think sahm are lazy.

CurlyhairedAssassin I have learned that the expression ‘Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear’ should be applied to these sort of threads. 😀

not really if you have a happy family life and go to the Maldives for new year and the Seychelles for the summer!! I’m loving my life

But are your children.

You might be in the same house or room as your children but can you honestly say you are present

I would bet your children would prefer Centre Parks to a couple of weeks in the Maldives (I have been to the Maldives. It is beautiful but I couldn’t take more than a week. Apart from the beach and the snorkelling what is there for children)

It sounds more like you want to go away to relax after your 59 hour weeks.

Remember not tenner bloody auto correct 🙄

• I know plenty of lawyers on much more than 100k who have that sort of flexibility.

And if they're presenting in court you would like them to tell the judge to halt proceedings as they need to go and pick their sick child up from school? Honestly. THINK, people!!!*

Think about what? My cousin is a solicitor & earns 6 figures. She has good flexibility.

I used to work in a private school & many of the parents were high earners. Pretty much all juggled the pick ups/drop offs between them.

Of course in some circumstances it's difficult for both parents to work but in many circumstances it's not.

@Havaiana

It sounds like you're in a financially abusive marriage, OP.

Your contribution as a SAHM is immense and your husband's salary is family money, not his alone. You need access to it.

Your contribution is equal to his but he is a controlling arse and financially abusive. I hope you get the support you need to rectify this.