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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

617 replies

Camobag · 29/09/2020 18:37

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

OP posts:
GoatCheeseTart · 30/09/2020 22:06

You might be in the same house or room as your children but can you honestly say you are present. I would bet your children would prefer Centre Parks to a couple of weeks in the Maldives

Interesting that nobody has said anything like that about the children of those high earning husbands, who are not even in the same house, as they are working 24/7. Surely they can also just swap Maldives to Centerparks and pick their children up from school instead?

formerbabe · 30/09/2020 22:07

Honestly there's so many variables and different situations, you cannot make generalisations.

I know a wohm, she has one dc, the grandmother arrives every morning and does the school run and cleans her house and picks up her dc. Mum arrives home. Thats a breeze

Conversely you could have a sahm with several pre school dc and a baby and no support who will be running round like crazy to look after her kids

Or you could have a single wohm with no family support, kids in wrap around care and no money to outsource chores.

Or I remember the sahm on here who had one nt 17 year old dc and was complaining about her housework!

Okbutnotgreat · 30/09/2020 22:08

OP that is not fair in any way. It’s not about the money itself (£200 is way more than I have to spend) but the fact is he can only earn that salary because you do what you do.

Many years ago DH and I had a conversation that went along the lines of if this doesn’t change and we aren’t more equal with access to finances I will divorce you. Yippee said he then I can just have EOW (they were little and time consuming) and I said what makes you think I’d want custody? Let’s see you do your demanding job with a full house and all the responsibilities and I’ll get a nice little place, a full time job and be disney mum twice a month.

It was very different after that!

Alongcameacat · 30/09/2020 22:08

when DS was a baby I would have sort DS after a night shift

You are the one saying you did the exact same thing.....
Presumably somebody else looked after your child while you worked for 13 hours? You came hone after a 13 hour night shift and ‘sorted him’? Presumably you slept before your next shift so again somebody else looked after your child?

innerspinner · 30/09/2020 22:23

Well I’m a SAHM and probably quite lazy these days to be fair, but so what? I’m not sure what it is I would need to prove here. My kids are (almost) all teens now, but there’s 4 of them and it wasn’t easy when they were little. In fact, I can’t remember because it was such a blur for about a decade. But again, so what? It was what it was and I wasn’t doing it for any medals. Plus it’s totally irrelevant to me how other women organise their lives.

But anyway... here we are. The main thing is, the kids are all doing well and were still together and we’ve survived this far. If I decided, on balance, to be with my kids and DH preferred me to do it as opposed to nannies / childminders and that how we decided to organise ourselves - then I can’t see what business it is of anyone else. Total non-issue.

DH worked non -stop for maybe 15 years and was often overseas, but now he’s sold some companies off and semi-retired at 50 and in no fixed routine, so yes, can sometimes pick the kids up from school. Increasingly so. Life changes and you adapt together as it does.

But do you think for one second I would have been a SAHM to a man who gave me an allowance and made me feel like as second-class citizen in my own home? No I would not. Angry And nor would any woman I know. This ‘H’ in this thread has something seriously wrong with him. It has nothing to do with the OP or anything she does or doesn’t do and this shouldn’t even be a discussion. Just kick the tosser to the kerb OP, and move forward with your life.

CayrolBaaaskin · 30/09/2020 23:13

@CurlyhairedAssassin - of course there are some people who cannot have flexibility in their jobs. That’s not all high earners though and ime women tend to ask for flexibility and men do not because they do not want to have to do childcare etc. I’m not sure from your post whether or not your ex wanted to participate equally in your dcs life but it doesn’t seem like it.

Ima single parent now: I took a bit of a step back (because I wanted better work life balance) but I still work full time and earn well. One of my male colleagues who does an equivalent job to mine gets his mother in law to get his children up and out to school on the rare occasions his wife works. I also hear him telling his wife he’s working when he’s going running or to the gym.

BrazenlyDefying · 30/09/2020 23:16

Not victim blaming but....

How can you be in a situation where you're married to someone, have two kids with them, share nothing, scrape by on the little he gives you as "pocket money" and think that it's all fine because he's the one earning? For YEARS?

MayIJustAsk · 01/10/2020 00:03

If by some miracle I have another baby I'd want to hopefully have 2 close together (cant see it happening) and I would be a stay at home mum. I've always worked with my others and I'm older now and would just want to enjoy it and be at home all the time.

lovelemoncurd · 01/10/2020 00:22

I don't think they are lazy ( well everyone is different some will be and some won't be) but I think they are vulnerable to financial hardship when the partner buggers off and they haven't got any financial back up.
I've always worked apart from two years I was on Mat leave. I think it's good for children to see parents working and it's definitely given my daughters that mindset that they shouldn't be reliant.

Irisheyesrsmiling · 01/10/2020 03:39

@Camobag - this sounds very very hard. Can you speak to a professional? You could ask your HV for recommendations if you had a good relationship with her, or a practice nurse or GP? Even start seeing a counsellor? It sounds like this marriage isn't just not equal, but like there's some really big issues that aren't good for you, nor your children.

No one person in a partnership controls the purse strings. That is financial abuse and it isn't okay. You need access to money for you and dc, anything else isn't safe for a woman for many reasons.

Mollymarvelous70 · 01/10/2020 06:22

Has OP actually spoken to her husband about this issue before she divorces him as others suggest .

Is this the full story, did you budget together at some point and agree 600 was sufficient ? So you have a good relationship with money. Surely husband must tell you where the rest goes, saving for a shared comfortable retirement one would hope or for kids education ?

Are you in the dark about the family finances because you don’t ask or want to know or is it kept from you . Important difference. Just playing devils advocate really.

pearshapedcat · 01/10/2020 06:28

Erm, your husband is able to earn the amount he does because you are a SAHM. If he had to do 50/50 of the childcare would he still be earning that amount?

Get a grip woman Angry

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2020 07:18

@pearshapedcat

Erm, your husband is able to earn the amount he does because you are a SAHM. If he had to do 50/50 of the childcare would he still be earning that amount?

Get a grip woman Angry

Well likely yes, because he’d organise paid childcare. I doubt he’d quit his job and stay nome and do it himself.

It’s like some folks don’t understand that there are single working parents and dual career families out there.

Pillowwillo · 01/10/2020 07:21

These arguments are teedious, but regardless. Plenty of people who are high earners have a higher level of flexibility than staff lower down the food chain, whether they want to use that or whether they don't want to risk their pesky family making them go out of their way to support them is another matter. Theres been many a water cooler chat about 'working late' to avoid helping with bath and bedtime, or school runs.

The argument that someone who goes out of the home to work has it easier because mysteriously all jobs are easier than being home with a toddler is a laugh. When you are home you can also do chores/housework/shopping during the day, and all of the weird admin everyone allegedly has that takes hours. If you work you have to do that before or after work. Both are hard in different ways, neither is easier and couldn't give a hoot what anyone else chooses; but we shouldn't be staying that you can't possibly work if x or y as people read it and probably think they cannot either- you can. Military wives often work, CEO wives don't all stay at home as standard, just be honest and say unless you were abused into it or cannot afford it, you choose to stay at home, which is just as valid as going to work.

pollypork · 01/10/2020 07:26

Also due to Covid virtually everyone I know is still wfh which makes pick ups/drop offs etc much easier.

pearshapedcat · 01/10/2020 07:27

Well likely yes, because he’d organise paid childcare. I doubt he’d quit his job and stay nome and do it himself.

But if he was paying for childcare he wouldn't have as much disposable income as he does now.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/10/2020 07:36

Ive been a single parent working full time since my son was 8 months old. He has just started school and I'm still WFH full time, if I didn't have to work and had to bills to pay I think it would be a very easy life indeed.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/10/2020 07:37

Didn't have to work and didn't have bills to pay it should say. For the first time in years I'm not spending hundreds per week on childcare, it's heaven!

innerspinner · 01/10/2020 07:48

It’s all very well talking about “paid childcare,” but find me a nanny / childminder who would have been prepared to get 4 kids off and away / in the car / organised for three different schools everyday. A childminder who could give proper homework support to my dyslexic child. Also, be prepared to get one from his rugby, then fight through Lindon traffic to get the other from singing; or coordinate so and so friend coming over after school, while another needed collecting from ballet. A nanny that liaised properly with teachers about the kids progress day-to-day or who did the research involved in understanding the 11-plus formats for all the different schools in this area and the substantial extra work / support needed to help your kids get entry into the right school for them. One who could remember that one needs to make biscuits for Friday; one needs a packed lunch for Wednesday; another needs a gift for a friend or new hockey socks. Then when one is sick and home from school, inevitably they’ll all get it one after the next, so that can be two weeks out.

It’d all very well if you just have one or two children, I think, but there is no nanny who would have been prepared to all this and much, much more for someone else’s kids. Well, maybe there is, but she would have been very expensive and quite frankly, I’d rather do it myself than have to rely on someone else or deal with another person in the household.

Yesterdayforgotten · 01/10/2020 08:01

'When you are home you can also do chores/housework/shopping during the day'

This is alot harder with dc/say a baby and toddler to look after and also there is arguely ALOT more mess to clean up from everyone being home rather than out of the home.

Pillowwillo · 01/10/2020 08:02

There are options beyond a nanny Confused for some people it genuinely isn't workable, but for most it would be if they wanted, and if they don't that's not a problem either. But it is a choice, not a barrier to all women, but that's the message that gets put across.

Pillowwillo · 01/10/2020 08:03

@Yesterdayforgotten yes I know, been there, done that. It was still a load easier to be able to do that whilst at home rather than around work hours or after a full day at work.

Yesterdayforgotten · 01/10/2020 08:10

@pillowwillo I alway find it easier being out of the home so they can't mess it up Grin what suits one doesn't suit all I guess... there is def extra mess when you have toddlers going rogue in the home rather than messing up someone else's or a nursery. Shock
I agree working can be miles harder but this very much depends on what he job is. I've done both also but when I went back after maternity it felt like a little break. I guess as I said it depends on the nature of your job.

pollypork · 01/10/2020 08:15

agree with @Pillowwillo But it is a choice, not a barrier to all women, but that's the message that gets put across.

GoatCheeseTart · 01/10/2020 08:27

A friend of mine is a SAHM, the DH is a VP in a big company, managing several hundred people. Of course he's busy, working hard, never sees the children in the evenings as he's always working late, and she could not have a job because of that. Except that the wife recently discovered that many of those 'working so hard, need to close this deal' late evenings were actually drinks with colleagues. Nothing wrong with occasional socialising and yes some socialising is often expected on that level, but was this alway really a case of him being unable to get home, or rather a preference?

Alternatively, I work for a huge multi-billion pound company. I don't think I have ever seen either our CEO or CFO in the office past 6, they both have families so this is where they are.