To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

Yy bluntness...

And yes yes malahaha... Being with 2 small dc pushed me my limits emotionally and mentally and financially...
But it was a huge privilege and at the end of the day, no one care for your dc as much as you do, even gp sometimes take huge risks with dc!!

The situation you've described here isn't really to do with you being a SAHP, or whether or not that's lazy. It's to do with your DH being weird about what should be family money, when it sounds like he'sshitting pretty on a big pile of money. You are afraid to challenge him on it. The whole thing is wrong.

For the record, I find being a SAHP much harder than I found working. But then I know that everyone is different so I don't think there's a one size fits all.

They do, but in reality most working parents outsource childcare to nursery/ childminders/ grandparents whilst they are at work.

Accordingly during the week they are free from planning activities, putting out and tidying away toys and craft materials, taking DC to park or groups, don’t have to answer a million questions an hour, cook lunch etc etc.

They are not doing the job of a SAHM and working on top!

and

If you work 50 hours per week then you're not simultaneously providing hands on childcare for young children for those 50 hours. Unless you actually take them to your workplace with you?

This and this ^

I'm so weary of listening to people saying they are holding down a job/career and doing the work of a SAHP. Unless you are self employed and have your children in the workplace with you during 'working hours' it is simply untrue.

OP you ought to have access to the bank a/c. If your DH refuses this, then you will need to look at taking a job and have him pay for childcare and do half of the housekeeping. Or divorce him because it doesn't sound like he respects you much.

I was a SAHM for 8 years and loved every second of it! I feel privileged I had that time with them, but it is hard work and can be very lonely! I was in a similar situation to you, DH high earner and we could afford me to stay at home. I was never extravagant in spending, but I did hate not having my own income. The guilty feeling when I bought myself something I needed!

So if you got a job you’d have to foot the whole childcare bill? Wtf

Sorry the whole set up is weird and financial abuse

Can't believe you are living like this OP.

It is financial abuse. I don't think you should even sit down and talk to him about money. He clearly has no respect for you to treat you like this.

@NoGinNotComingIn abuse victims are NOT "silly"

And a lot of that pension pot and the house or part of. It’d finally get a bit fairer. yes if - ideally - the op got a SHL (shit hot lawyer) who was good at dealing with the likes of this "man" then she could be very well off divorcing him.

Quite honestly even if she divorced him and ended up on UC she'd probably be better off! And she wouldn't be being abused!

I'm seriously worried there's other abuse going on here that the op is afraid to voice even here.

and be open to find someone who treats you properly.

I know this was kindly meant, but I really believe PART of why so many women end up in abusive relationships is because it's drummer into girls and women that we are only truly validated if we're in a relationship!

Absolutely nothing wrong - and indeed advisable at least initially after leaving an abusive relationship - with being single

926.97 UC (exc housing costs, you'd likely get full rent coverage)
151.67 child benefit

Total 1078.64

That calculation based on you, unemployed, 2 primary aged dc I used my rent for the calculator to work then deducted the housing element at the end and I've not included council tax rebate as these depend on local rates but you'd get that too.

Done here

www.entitledto.co.uk/benefits-calculator/Intro/Home?cid=b0864831-670c-4128-998f-5ae6ab222dee

There's also

www.turn2us.org.uk

@Guineapigbridge "asserting yourself" with an abuser can be dangerous - even if they've not been before then

Shocked at the dismissive, insulting and victim blaming posts on here

The OP does not say where her OH money goes, if they have a huge mortgage, running two cars on lease, go on amazing holidays there may not be much disposable income left at the end of every month. I would need a breakdown of figures before I could pass comment.

Absolutely nothing wrong - and indeed advisable at least initially after leaving an abusive relationship - with being single

This is such an important message that I'm hoping to successfully drum into my daughters. A relationship is only worth being in if it makes you happy. It is not a requirement for being a worthwhile person.

Your husband's attitude towards money is grim and unacceptable.

My partner earns considerably less than yours let every penny he earns (and my mat leave pay) is family money. I don't have to ask for it. I'm not questioned. I sort all the kids stuff out so I just take what I need. Obviously if I was considering a big purchase I'd discuss it with him, but day to day stuff? No.

Your husband is manipulating you.

How did he come up with the £600 figure? I mean what sums did he do to reach it?

@TitsOutForHarambe absolutely, I've done that with my dd, though sometimes she can err towards unforgiving! She dumped one lad for breathing too loudly!

I jest there was actually more to it but you get my meaning

Being a SAHM is hard work. Would I be right in saying it's your husband who's told you it's not proper work?
I think you should get a job so you can leave your financially abusive husband. He just sounds plain nasty. What sort of person earns that much money but only gives his wife limited access?
I'm really worried about you saying you don't think you'll live long, what's the reason you think that?

What was the agreement financially before you gave up work op?

I do think it’s unfair you live off a couple of hundred pounds a month disposable income for you and the kids, when he has several times that, but do also agree with other posters that the full picture hasn’t been presented, other than no mortgage (is there rent?), in terms of what other financial commitments there are.

However as said, there is no such thing as family money in law, during the marriage, in relation to his salary, it is indeed his as you state and his choice on how to spend it.

So what was agreed when you decided to stop working?

It’s more than unfair OPs partner is being abusive. She would be better off single and going through child maintenance she probably would be better off money wise. He should be giving OP more than £600 to live on plus two kids it’s not right. I couldn’t forgive that selfish behaviour.

@justasking111

The OP does not say where her OH money goes, if they have a huge mortgage, running two cars on lease, go on amazing holidays there may not be much disposable income left at the end of every month. I would need a breakdown of figures before I could pass comment.

OP said there’s no mortgage.

@AutumnleavesturntoGold

Yy bluntness...

And yes yes malahaha... Being with 2 small dc pushed me my limits emotionally and mentally and financially...
But it was a huge privilege and at the end of the day, no one care for your dc as much as you do, even gp sometimes take huge risks with dc!!

This is not true. Some people do care for your children really well. They bond from young at nurseries you until school age. You get to know the staff and the children become really close and form strong bonds which is important. One of my sisters as a baby went to nursery from a baby a lady who worked their got so attached to her (didn’t have children of her own at that time) asked my mum if she could have my sister for the weekend!!. My mother let her because she adored my sister and my sister really loved her!

I'm so weary of listening to people saying they are holding down a job/career and doing the work of a SAHP.

This is a response to posters who list getting children dressed and doing admin as their exhausting SAHM tasks. Most working parents don't have magical fairies doing all that.

OP, you have posted with the question “are SAHMs lazy?” - even though this is obviously a non-question because it depends who you’re talking about. There are more / less lazy people in all walks of life.

However - your actual situation has nothing to do with being a SAHM. It has everything to do with the fact you are married to a financially abusive man. I’m sorry to say this and I wouldn’t say it often on here, but your self-esteem will never improve until you leave him.

As you say, even if you got a job, he would be quite happy to see you with less disposable income than him. Do you think this is in any way normal?

What is the actual point of this man? What is the use of him in your life? Sorry, but he is an absolute bastard and I’m raging in your behalf.

Just kick him to the kerb with his £600 a month. How dare he. Honestly, I would rather be in a hostel with my kids than pandering to that shit.

I’ve been SAH for many years and my DH wouldn’t dream of giving me an allowance like a child. This is because he is a normal human being and not a wanker.

I know a lot of SAHMs OP, probably a hundred or so, and who knows or cares if they’re lazy or not (how long is a piece of string) ? - but I can tell you this much ..., none if them have husbands who behave even remotely like yours.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to or who could help you to get out? He has obviously done a real number on you that your confidence is this low and you are asking bizarre questions about being lazy.

I hope you can get out of your toxic and abusing marriage. Your situation sound horrendous and I can’t believe that in the UK in 2020, there are men who think this is ok.

OP, your 'D'H could take home nearly £6K a month. It will probably be less because of his pension but he's giving you about 10-15% of his take home pay and expecting you to pay for food, petrol, and clothing for the children out of this. You would get more money if you divorced him and got child maintenance and he'd have to look after the DC several days of the week (plus you'd get a significant share of the house and his pension).

Do you claim CB? He'd have to declare it and pay it all back but you would be getting NI contributions to your pension at least and it would be an extra £150 in your pocket every month.

How can you stay married to someone who sees you as no more than a nanny? And certainly not as an equal.

My DH earns half what yours earns and I'm a SAHM. All accounts are shared. I want for nothing. He never questions any money that has been spent. If he told me I was getting an allowance I'd honestly divorce him.

Before having kids myself yes I thought SAHM had it easy. Since having a child myself, I actually think going out to work is easier. And I’m a lawyer so no my job is not a doddle!

Also I think once you are married with kids all money is family money, surely?

He owns the house outright. There’s no mortgage or rent. His petrol, phone etc is paid for and on top of his salary he receives a generous car allowance.
We both agreed I’d stay home after dc2, he encouraged it. However he would be happy for me to go back to work if he didn’t have to give me any money.
£100k is the minumum. Last year it was over £160k with bonuses.

I don’t claim child benefit because of having to pay it back.

If you don't claim child benefit you're not paying your stamp. Can't you claim it but not get the money? I seem to remember reading that.