To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

OP this is really sad. I was a SAHM for about 18 months when we moved for DH's job soon after DS1 was born. Up until then we had separate bank accounts, but as soon as I finished work we changed to a joint account and all the money he earned was 'ours'. We are a team - he could only go off and do the different job BECAUSE I was willing to give up mine and look after DS. I am working now, but he still earns more than I do. Again, that is BECAUSE I took a hit in my career that allows him the flexibility to travel and work away. We still have a joint account, and all our money is shared. To me, that's fair. I can't understand these couples where the man 'pays the wife a wage', or gives them an allowance. In that situation, I would be insisting on finding a job and earning my own money. Please believe you are worth more than you think you are.

He owns the house outright.

You’re married and the house is yours not his.

I’m beginning to wonder if you’re trolling by constantly asserting it’s ‘his’ money, house, you’re his slave not worthy of more than a bit of food for your efforts etc when everyone is telling you that you’re a family and it’s yours too.

You’ve been taken for a ride OP.

Would he still have that warning if you didint stay home and sacrifice your career?

The answer is no.

I certainly wouldn't think a SAHM of preschoolers was lazy, I stayed at home with mine until they were about a year old and went back to work PT (more for my own sanity than for financial need) but even then I did 95% of childcare/chores.

I know people still claiming to be SAHM when the dc are all at school, and I do wonder what they do all day (I know the answer, the go to the gym, have lunch with friends etc) and I do find myself thinking they're lazy.

It's tough finding a job to fit around dc though, especially at the moment, so cut yourself some slack.

If you don't claim child benefit you're not paying your stamp. Can't you claim it but not get the money? I seem to remember reading that.

Yes, that’s how it works. You sign up for child benefit but ask not to be paid any money. That’s how you get your state pension contributions as a SAHP. Obvs any normal husband would also max out the private pension for the OP in these circumstances.

Ok you need to start claiming child benefit now and look at getting it backdated but tick the box so you don’t actually receive the money. If you don’t claim it then you don’t get the national insurance that it entitles you to (whether you receive the money or not). If he tells you not to do this, do not listen to him- you will end up not being entitled to your full state pension if you don’t have enough years of NI.

You are being massively financially abused OP. I’m really sorry. Does he not think of them as his children? That he needs to pay money to feed and clothe??

We both agreed I’d stay home after dc2, he encouraged

Yes, but what was agreed financially before you agreed to do that?

I think some people are lazy, not defined by gender or what they do for a living.
Also i think that there is a difference in the workload for a SAHM with very young preschool/primary school age children as opposed to one with teenagers who get themselves to and from school.

OP, I’m sorry, but is this actually for real? Nobody in their right mind would put up with this from a husband.,

@Camobag

He owns the house outright. There’s no mortgage or rent. His petrol, phone etc is paid for and on top of his salary he receives a generous car allowance. We both agreed I’d stay home after dc2, he encouraged it. However he would be happy for me to go back to work if he didn’t have to give me any money. £100k is the minumum. Last year it was over £160k with bonuses.

A pension is the least of your issues.

He is abusive and financially controlling.
This is not okay and not normal.
You would financially be in a much better and stronger position if you left him.

I'm a WOHM and quite lazy. Who cares? It's not the world's worst moral failing.

Can you say more about your relationship with your H? Does he listen to you? Is he kind and respectful? I'm going to guess not very, or you wouldn't be in this situation and thinking you deserve it.

Also i think that there is a difference in the workload for a SAHM with very young preschool/primary school age children as opposed to one with teenagers who get themselves to and from school

Absolutely. I have a 2 yr old, an almost 1yr old and I'm pregnant. My husband and I are both immigrants so we have no family at all in this part of the world and no free/subsidised childcare, so none of my children are in daycare. And yes, I'm aware that I have chosen to be in this situation, and I'm not complaining because I adore my children and I'm lucky to be able to have this time with them... but anyone who thinks I'm lazy is fucking nuts.

There are lazy stay at home parents just as there are lazy people who turn up at their place of employment and do as little as possible all day. Conversely, there are stay at home parents who do everything under the sun, just as there are those who go the extra mile at work. Can your DH not see and appreciate all you do?

Really hoping this isnt genuine, but if it is, then I'd save up some money for a consultation with a solicitor to see how you would fare if you were to divorce. You'd probably be financially much better off.

It’s genuine. The house is his - it’s in his name. It might be split if we divorced but right now it’s his. Everything in it is his.
I don’t have anything at all. I used to have some savings but now they are gone.
The thing is if we split he’d be able to give the children anything and take them anywhere. What would I be able to give them? I’d be living hand to mouth. And right now will I even be able to find a job? I’ve no family to help with childcare so I’m going to have to pay childcare during the holidays etc.

Don't you both need to be in work to get the 15 free hours.

I work and believe me, there are people at work who are lazy bastards and people who don’t who are not lazy at all.

Laziness is a personality trait and that stays with you irrespective of work.

as far as I am aware he would have to give you 12% of his salary per week. He would have to split any assests as well.

OP - go back to work.

your husband should be more generous to you.

I don’t think SAHM are lazy. Like any job it’s a harder job than some jobs, and easier than others. Well done for doing it.

OP you would be able to give them love and security and nurture, yes he could give them all things materialistic but has he really got a relationship with his children? I suspect if he is such a high earner you would get a decent chunk of maintenance too. Do you want your children growing up thinking this way to live is right? They are incredibly perceptive. Get back to work if you can your mental health and self worth need it. I would also claim CB even though you have to pay it back to get your NI stamps and if you are going to stay sit down with husband AND a financial advisor/solicitor and get some sort of pension sorted out. He isn’t a man if he isn’t willing to properly support his wife and children.

Okay, if this is genuine then it is not normal at all; your husband is financially abusing you and your children. And chipping away at your self esteem by the sounds of it if you think that you are lazy and deserve to not have money for basic things like clothes and haircuts.

Why aren't you on the deeds for the house?

What would he say if you asked? Or asked for more access to joint money?

Don't you both need to be in work to get the 15 free hours.

It definitely used to be the case that when children were 3 they got 15 hours "free", regardless of whether parents worked. However when my children qualified for this, parents had to pay a "top up" as the governments allocation per child did not cover the cost of the preschool session. There were additional criteria for funding for 2 year olds, I think possibly if you were in receipt of certain benefits, as in qualification for FSM.

Not if they’re providing childcare all day, that’s relentless hard work!

I do not consider an SAHM to a young child of preschool age lazy.

I question it more where you have SAHMs who have older children at school all day who will give the excuse that they cannot find a job with hours from 9- 2.50pm term time only . Millions of other people manage to use childcare for this and with school age children, unless you have a huge family, full time earnings will easily bring in more than the childcare cost. That's when I start to feel its lazy unless there's SEN/disabilities involved.