To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

These posts are escalating In hysteria like some form of competition.

I hate threads like this because posters mislead the op

She has no legal right to his salary. There is no legal concept of family money, That’s it. Let’s not pretend to her she has some form of legal entitlement she doesn’t.

The fact she’s in a shit situation doesn’t change that. Morally she might be entitled, but legally she is not. She is right, it’s his salary. Not hers.

On divorce she would be entitled to at least half the assets that came into the marriage since the marriage, and likely a share of his pension, which is normally offset in a lump sum. Judges like clean breaks now. The only other money would be child support. Not spousal. Child.

Op, I’d get a job. The bottom line is he doesn’t wish to share with you and it’s not going to change, you are right, legally it is his salary. He gets to decide how much he gives you.

Demanding its family money etc or any such other shit people are posting will only work if he agrees to it. If he does not it won’t. It’s his call all day long,

What is your call is what you do about it,,So you either leave him, take your share from the pot, and go it alone, or you stay and put up with this shit, or you work, and become financially independent.

As for how you both run your home, with you doing all the domestic stuff. You need to stop this, particularly if you go back to work.

Personally I’d sit down and talk to him, tell him you’re not living like this any more, and then which of the options you’re going for. Divorce, work, stay as is. And then if it’s not divorce tell him what you are willing to do in the home going forward.

I don't think being a SAHM is lazy, but the vast majority of SAHM's I know are lazy. Having said that, a lot of working people I know are lazy too. I think it's more a lack of motivation than laziness, as a SAHM, there's not really anyone to hold you to account if you don't do your "job" - the ironing can wait until tomorrow and the washing up can wait until after you've had a cup of tea etc, I think most people would put things off in this situation and then people get into a habit of doing less than they normally would.

I was a sahm and kept busy , no time to be lazy, I took dc to several toddler groups a week from a month or so old
Also did all night feeds and housework , cooking etc as dh worked all day( he would if done odd meal if i was ill or out all day etc )
Did most of shopping and had no car so we had to walk everywhere
Also often helped out working mum friends with childcare when they were let down
But one thing I did have was always access to money , my dh would never of questioned what I spent ( not that we had a lot )
Our finances were joint as I was only not earning due to being home with our children
I went back to work when the youngest about 3 ( now 15 ) but we still share our money
In fact I am out of work currently as lost job due to covid and dh pays everything and we then split , but when he went self employed several years ago and didn't earn a lot my money covered most things
We are a partnership in more ways than one

£600 a month, the measly bastard. Fuck sake.

@Marmunia1975

I would get a job OP and work out childcare for your own sanity and pension etc... WOHMs are also SAHMs as they have a job, plus they do the same daily jobs as SAHMs. At least I do. I work 50+ hours but still juggle everything with DH. I can't imagine what the life of a SAHM is like. I often feel sorry for them - looks like very little mental stimulation.

looks like very little mental stimulation. What? My daughter is very involved with her little girl. Plays with her, reads to her (she loved being read to!) goes for walks with her, you know, actually raises her!!! How is that not mental stimulation? A child of this age is on a tremendous journey of discovery and if you can get inside their heads it's utterly fascinated. They have far more adventurous lives than we adults do and if you can get under their skin it's marvellous to share that! I really don't get this "life as as sahm must be so boring, they must go to rot" narrative. It's what you make of it, every time.

I've been a sahm but tbh I feel like I've worked my arse off lol 3 kids later I'm completely knackered. I work very pt and I'm finishing some retraining thx to the bits and bobs I've done around the babies and toddlers. Not lazy lol. Maybe for ten minutes I'm 'lazy' 🤣 but no not really... Anyway lots of sahm have no childcare so it's all the same really. Plus actual work as it were can be dreamy compared to constantly looking after the kids?!

Good Luck OP Sheesh hope you're ok. Remember it's not 1886 xx

You clearly have no idea what value you are, and he isn’t about to tell you. Do you realise how huge your sacrifice is? Thought not, as he doesn’t recognise that either. He doesn’t recognise you as an equal either, and all of this combined is seriously effecting your self esteem. I hate the, I bring in the money, so I am more important than you attitude. You need to speak with him, and if he can’t be reasonable, you need to protect yourself and plan your future/career. He won’t be keen on this idea as he will have to step up and support this. Time slips by very fast and before you know it, you will just have been his very undervalued skivvy for years, with him most likely telling you, he has done all the hard work, and you haven’t worked for years! Start planning to protect yourself and future earning

@Bluntness100 the fact is though OPs partner doesn’t sound genuine. Even if OP gets a job like your suggesting. Who would want to live with a greedy man like that?

If money was tight and OP was a SAHM I could understand but that’s not the case here.

Bluntness... Earning power is a thing in divorce . Re asset split

This is so sad.
This is what modern day slavery looks like.
OP, please listen to the good advice you will get on here. This isn't normal, it isn't right, and it isn't nice.

Marmunia1975
I would get a job OP and work out childcare for your own sanity and pension etc... WOHMs are also SAHMs as they have a job, plus they do the same daily jobs as SAHMs. At least I do. I work 50+ hours but still juggle everything with DH. I can't imagine what the life of a SAHM is like. I often feel sorry for them - looks like very little mental stimulation.

If you work 50 hours per week then you're not simultaneously providing hands on childcare for young children for those 50 hours. Unless you actually take them to your workplace with you?

@blackcurrantjam

Bluntness... Earning power is a thing in divorce . Re asset split

Only for an older spouse who is faced with living in povert and can’t be expected to support themselves.

However my point was during the marriage, not after.

@Codexdivinchi I mean looking after children is a job. It is a paid and respected profession. If you have children that aren’t school age and you stay at home, you are doing the job of childcare. If you work then you obviously cannot look after babies at the same time, so you will need to outsource that task to a childcare professional. I don’t see what the issue or confusion is.

@ReeseWitherfork
"This is incredible. What an accomplishment.
Think this sums up why SAHM/WOHM doesn’t work as terminology. Because you clearly worked, so even though you were still physically at home, it doesn’t capture the essence of what “SAHM” is attempting to refer to. And tbh, a lot of us are “stay at home working” mums now."

Thank you! The thing is I really hated the job I had before having kids. I hated going to an office and doing work that didn't really mean anything to me. And I really wanted to have all the input into the early years of my children so I stayed home with them as long as I could.
But there were a lot of other women who disparaged me for that. But I had the last laugh when my first book got published!

I never felt that caring for children was in any way inferior, and I agree that OP needs a) more self-esteem for what she does b) more confidence to approach her husband and let him know that she won't be financially abused any longer.

@Camobag

I do all housework and all childcare. All of it. Always have. Even when I was working.

I do all housework and all childcare. All of it. Always have. Even when I was working.

Unless he was working 50 - 80 hours a week, I find it difficult not to think of your husband as sexist. He's on an incredibly high wage, the very least he could do is realise how vulnerable you are and shows he cares by giving you money towards a pension at the very least so you don't miss out on payments. If I was a high earner I would definitely do that for a loved one. In my opinion you shouldn't even have to go back to work for it unless you wanted to.

@Byallmeans no one stops being a parent, but obviously if you are at work, you can’t be feeding and changing a toddler at the same time. Therefore the childcare (being the care of that child) falls to someone else when you are not there. And that is outsourcing the task of childcare, if you send the child to a nursery or nanny etc. For those hours of the day, you have outsourced the task of childcare.

If you are a SAHM then you do that work yourself. So you are doing all of the childcare work. No outsourcing.

Of course working parents and SAHMs are all parents.

Being a SAHM is a full-time job, esp with younger children. Hardest thing I've been ever done in many ways, though working outside by the home is challenging too. Pro's and con's really. When I was a SAHM if I had died it would have cost my husband around £40,000 a year to pay for childcare, housekeeping, gardening etc. I also did voluntary work which I don't have time for now that I'm working. It's very difficult to find work that a) fits in around children and b) is interesting/challenging. The view that SAHM's are drinking coffee and swanning around is very detrimenral. I think parents at home need to be more respected as all mother's work! Rant over

Bluntness not quite true, depends on factors like accommodation needs of children and mortgage capacity. If higher earner can get bigger mortgage, lower earner might need more capital to house children. But essentially people are quite rightly expected to work, move on...

I don't agree it's necessarily financial abuse. It sounds a bit to me like OP hasn't advocated well for her own interests. MN will have you divorcing him and breaking up your family over simplyu talking to him and asserting yourself better.
A fair financial arrangement for a family without a mortgage is
50 percent living expenses (in the family pot) including childcare costs, children's clothing, children's school expensive, home improvements and family holidays
25 percent savings and investments
up to 5 percent gifts/donations/tithes/charitable giving
10 percent each for 'fun' money like ipads, haircuts, solo holidays

And yes during marriage ... But it's really appalling in this case imo... finance shld be shared

Not all SAHMs are lazy. But most are 'kept' and I don't think that's a healthy headspace for an adult to lead themselves into.

@Guineapigbridge

I don't agree it's necessarily financial abuse. It sounds a bit to me like OP hasn't advocated well for her own interests. MN will have you divorcing him and breaking up your family over simplyu talking to him and asserting yourself better. A fair financial arrangement for a family without a mortgage is 50 percent living expenses (in the family pot) including childcare costs, children's clothing, children's school expensive, home improvements and family holidays 25 percent savings and investments up to 5 percent gifts/donations/tithes/charitable giving 10 percent each for 'fun' money like ipads, haircuts, solo holidays

Thank goodness for someone with some common sense! I loathe this kind of divorce-the-bastard pile on. £600 for spending money (largely) isn't bad. None of us have any idea, none whatsoever, of the full picture here.

£100k a year and only paying you £600 a month to spend on essentials for you AND your DC? That’s about 2 days pay for him!

Like PP have said, this is a financially abusive relationship. You need to re-read your posts. If a friend said this to you, what would you say?

You should ask if he can hire a nanny a few afternoons a week whilst you complete an Open Uni degree course (he pays). If he says this is all too expensive, then fire back how much he has saved over the years. He hasn’t paid for a nanny or cleaner (try and tally up how much this would’ve cost).

I think some lack ambition rather than being lazy. Perhaps they have sense though rather than those putting in 50 hr working weeks.

Op I've not read the 10 pages but your op is misleading.

I was a sahm without a large dh salary for 10 years. It went so quickly!
It was hard, grueling and a little more money 2nd time around made all the difference.

What is the point of money? What is the point of having dc?.
Your dh sounds absolutely financially abusive.

All money should go into a joint account, then, spilt up into various things, funds for dc clothes, funds for Xmas, holidays... Eating out.. Weekends.

Then... Savings, pensions...

Then personal money.