To ask if you think SAHMs are lazy?

[Camobag]

I know people say about it being valuable input to the children, equally valuable to working etc but I don’t think it is. And I’m a sahm.
I ask because dh is a high earner (over 100k) but I hardly have any money but I think this is fair as I am a sahp and he earns it. My friend said I work too in a different way but I think most people manage to work and raise children and keep a house.
Ideally I need to find a job now my youngest is in preschool for 15 hours but it’s proving difficult, mainly because covid is making life so hard. I’ve had my eldest dc off for two weeks already as part of a popped covid bubble. How am I ever going to go back to work?

@augustusglupe that's a vile post which strongly suggests you haven't read any of ops posts properly. Op is getting less than 10% of the family income to cover various needs for THREE people whereas the husband has the other 90% which yes it sounds as if he's covering the bills but there's no mortgage and he's on a hell of a salary!

In addition assessing the ops mindset from the posts her self esteem is through the floor! He's clearly ground her down and I strongly suspect there are other forms of abuse she is victim of

That's NOT 'being a martyr' that's being an actual victim of domestic abuse!

"All the stay at home mums in my circle/among my peers, were a bit nuts within 2 years. I don't think it suits many people anymore (I include stay at home parents of all genders in that)."

Totally agree with this! When I look at life some decades ago there were no dishwashers, Hoover's, supermarkets, cars to aid with the school run, washing machines etc... Basically there was lots more to do. Of course pre-schoolers need 100% supervision all of the time so are a full time job but when they go to school for 30 hours a week I honestly don't know what stay at home parents do for that whole time. Some start volunteering of course but those who don't are surely bored?!

I’m so incredibly suspicious of men who don’t share their wealth with their spouse. I’ve known several women used as free childcare and cleaners whilst high earning ‘d’h amasses money. The moment the kids leave home wife is kicked to the curb, wealth hidden during divorce, wife ends up living out 50s/60s scraping by whilst exh is living the high life. I have nothing against sahp (I’m mostly one and its harder being at home than work imo) but unless the money is properly shared you’re in a very vulnerable position.

@JoJoSM2

Kind of depends. I’m a SAHM with childcare, cleaner, gardener etc. so a lot of my time is filled with leisure-type activities. I wouldn’t say I’m lazy but can’t see the point of working so do things that are more enjoyable.

SAHMs who actually look after children all day on top of doing housework etc are very hand-working IMO.

What kind of childcare do you mean?

The way I see it there are 3 main tasks that need doing when raising a family.

1. Money needs to be brought in
2. The children need to be looked after
3. The house needs to be looked after (cleaning, repairs, admin, etc)

Each of these is as important as the other. In some households they are shared equally, ie each adult does 50% of each, others vary the proportions, and in some one person is in sole charge of one or two tasks and the other, the other(s).

It sounds as if your DH is doing all of 1, while you do all of 2 and 3. He doesn't get to keep all the money anymore than you get the house all to yourself because you do 3. You don't get to say he can't see a child and he doesn't get to say you can't buy yourself something. You share the money equally between the house/family and the two of you and you share the house equally.

How well would his career and earning power do if he had to take time off at a moment's notice because of childcare failure or the school suddenly shutting (see Covid!)? He can rely on not having to drop everything at work because you carry the child/home load.

No, you are not lazy.

A word about spending. £150 per week. I’ve just realised I must be some sort of eco warrior since I really don’t spend that per week on me or the DC(Yes, London, But no car, walk everywhere, PAYG phone, new clothes rarely, etc). In fact during Covid, food is the only thing that I’ve been buying—and that’s expensive, but the OPs husband largely pays for that or not? Not saying the OPs husband isn’t financially abusive (he is) but I’m wondering about all the spending. Why? For what? But yes, he sounds like a jerk.

I sympathize, I was a SAHM until about 18 months ago. I had almost 8 years at home. My DH is technically a high earner, but he didn't give me much, in terms of support or financially. It led to several problems and I was very depressed and was desperate to leave him. I work now but I won't forget that time. I loved being with my DC and have struggled to find balance. I still do the housework, cooking, social planning and most parenting. I'm knackered. You can't have it all and as for these mystery part time jobs, where are they? If I had enough money to be a SAHM I'd do it in a heartbeat.

No, not lazy in the least but the pressure to those who woh isn't comparable. You can't get made redundant from your sah job.

But you're asking the wrong question op.

If I had enough money to be a SAHM I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Your own money, or someone else's? I've always been the breadwinner in my relationships and it's bloody hard

If you get rid of him you will get money in child maintenance and support From the government towards the cost of childcare, chil pd benefit and any money you earn which means you will be able to out into your pension.
Your husband isn’t a nice man and he doesn’t love you if he won’t share his income whilst you look after his very young children.

Don’t understand why you have titled your thread this when it doesn’t relate to content? I don’t think sahps are lazy but I think they put themselves in a very vulnerable position. It sounds like you are being financially abused.

Lol your husband is a high earner yet gives you 600 quid a month allowance? He's got a nice stack of savings for a rainy day hasn't he? The cheek of it!

Nope not lazy, but putting up with that kind of shit is plain stupid. If he has a 100k salary his take home is £5500, he gives you £600, from which you have to buy food & pay for your phone and clothes & he keeps £4900, a month!!

You provide free childcare, free housekeeping & presumably you’ll be the house chef too & he gets all that for a tax free spend of £7200 a year, from his £66,000 he gets in his pocket, leaving him £59,000 of basically disposable income.

Wake up OP, that’s not ok - you don’t just need a job, you need to get out of there pronto, he’s a fucking mean little cockwomble and that is financial abuse.

my day started at 6.30am after only getting 3 hours sleep because 2 out of my 3 children decided to tag team all night and keep me up. I made everyone breakfast, cleaned up, got everyone ready for school/preschool, dropped everyone off, took the dog for a walk, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and playroom, took the dog for another walk, put away a tesco shop, hoovered, did 2 loads of washing and dried them, picked everyone up, made dinner, washed up, entertained DDs whilst DS had tutoring, bathed everyone, put the washing away, put the girls to bed and am about to put DS to bed. Then i will tidy the lounge and i have some emails to reply too from school. Inbetween all that ive also made 2 important phone calls, booked an optician appointment for DS and DD and talked a friend through something she needed help with.

This sounds like my day but I also work full time

I have a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old and I will be at home with them for a couple more years. I literally bust my balls from 5am to 8pm looking after these kids (not to mention being up at night with them)! They don't nap at the same time and create a lot of mess / need constant supervision and I like to do a lot of activities etc with them. Its hard bloody work. (I'm not saying it's harder than some jobs but it is still hard and relentless). Having said that it was a mutual decision, they're lovely kids and I'm happy with it. My husband is a high earner too (long hours / works away/ not compatible with part time work) and we recognise that we both work bloody hard to make sure that all of the following get done:

Kids well looked after
House looked after (currently renovating which I project manage)
Bills paid / relatively financially comfortable

I have equal access to all money INCLUDING if I want a haircut or need new clothing (within reason of course) or even (in the old days when such things were allowed) if I wanted to meet a friend for a coffee. The house is in joint names even though I don't pay into the mortgage currently. As others have said Op, this is financially abusive. I hope you can see that after reading these responses.

My daughter is a sahm of a 2.5 year old and is expecting another in December. She works very hard all day and is often exhausted. I help out where I can with babysitting.
Her husband earns well and they have a joint account. She has a card on that account and she can use it as her own money. She mostly buys things for the child but if she wants a new dress, a piece of furniture, a nice salad bowl etc she buys it, no questions asked. It's not HIS money, it's THEIRS. That's how it should be, if a parent is staying at home to raise a child.

Omg , no way would I ever feel I have no dignity. My dh works and I’m a sahm. I do all the school runs , shopping , errands , most of the cooking cleaning and laundry but he’ll help if needed. He works. All the money is in one pot, bills are paid, luxuries are agreed on and the rest is split. He might do a 40/50 hr week in an office but he gets lunch breaks and I do as many hours ferrying the kids around and keeping our home run I g smoothly. Thankfully he sees what I do as just as valuable as what he does, maybe more! He also admits he couldn’t do it! Over lockdown he said being at home was harder than being at work and was never ending , even tho I often have times to meet friends for coffee he would say I earn it like he earns a tea break etc. I’m lucky it seems xx

Camobag omg only read first few pages but it's not right. On over 100000 he is earning thousands a month and you have 600?! Divorce him and make sure you get full financial disclosure. You will be better off than you are now.

Jesus, so you look after the kids, but when you got a part time job YOU paid for the after school care out of your wage, even though he earns about 10x what you do? That’s insanity! I don’t insist on completely shared money within a family, every Household has to find what works for them, but this is absolutely bonkers.

Don’t put up with this. £600 a month is an absolute pittance compared to what he has AND you pay for lots of the kids stuff out of it??? You need a joint account that he transfers a fixed amount into each month by standing order. That’s to pay for the kids, bills, petrol etc. You’ll have to decide what is a fair amount. You should also SEPARATELY have a transfer to you that is your own “spending money” - not to go on food shopping, but for you to spend/save/invest however you choose. Ask him how much he’d ave to spend on occasional childcare and housekeeping. Trust me, you’ll be a bargain.

If you want to work, it should be because the two of you are both happy with that. But you are married and you are a team, he should not get to keep all the money because his role in the team is different from yours.

Jesus wept. Can’t believe you’d actually put up with this!

I was a SAHM on maternity leave obviously, now I am a part-time working mummy with a toddler.. and honestly, stay at home was MUCH harder. DD is in childcare now and I have structure to my day with work. House doesn't get messed up because she's at Nursery and any housework and washing I can do after she goes to sleep. I usually save my deep clean for Sunday mornings but even then because I am WFH and she's at Nursery and gets home half an hour before bedtime, the house is hardly ever a mess. I found it MUCH harder being a SAHM, keeping on top of housework whilst looking after a toddler, I'm a bit OCD and HATE mess as well so I added even more pressure on myself . Don't undersell yourself, you look after your child day in and day out - its a job in itself.

@LovesFood1987

"All the stay at home mums in my circle/among my peers, were a bit nuts within 2 years. I don't think it suits many people anymore (I include stay at home parents of all genders in that)."

Totally agree with this! When I look at life some decades ago there were no dishwashers, Hoover's, supermarkets, cars to aid with the school run, washing machines etc... Basically there was lots more to do. Of course pre-schoolers need 100% supervision all of the time so are a full time job but when they go to school for 30 hours a week I honestly don't know what stay at home parents do for that whole time. Some start volunteering of course but those who don't are surely bored?!

Absolutely not. The moment my younger child started school I started writing novels. Now I'm a multi-book published author of several books with a good 5-figure yearly income on top of my pension. Your time is yours; it depends what you do with it. You can be bored, or you can do something productive with that time, if you don't want to be somebody's employee. Which I didn't.

This is bad OP really bad. Are you married?
I agree it’s finicial abuse.
I think you need to speak to your partner about finances or tell him you will end things.

So you are renting on that kind of high salary?!

I think OP worded that way because she wants to justify to herself why her DH treats her so badly.

Does he call you lazy? Is that why you’ve titled your thread that way?

Absolutely not. The moment my younger child started school I started writing novels. Now I'm a multi-book published author of several books with a good 5-figure yearly income on top of my pension.
Your time is yours; it depends what you do with it. You can be bored, or you can do something productive with that time, if you don't want to be somebody's employee. Which I didn't.

This is incredible. What an accomplishment.

Think this sums up why SAHM/WOHM doesn’t work as terminology. Because you clearly worked, so even though you were still physically at home, it doesn’t capture the essence of what “SAHM” is attempting to refer to. And tbh, a lot of us are “stay at home working” mums now.