To think this is upsetting

[Gutted2day]

Milestone birthday, DH got me a coat (that didn't fit) and a mug. Slow cooker meal for dinner, no surprises planned (100%) card from the local shop. AIBU to feel very sad and let down

I know I wrote before, but I think I should tell you about my 40th. My DH was having the time of his life. Living the dream professionally, away for 20 weeks at the London Olympics, leaving me with three little kids in a country where I barely spoke the language, with an aggressive, racist next door neighbour. Oh the fun. I got, “but I rang you, didn’t I?” - it was a five minute phone call, when the kids said “Aren’t you going to say Happy Birthday to Mum?” So obviously he’d forgotten - let alone that it was my 40th. Did he bring back presents? Yeah - no. He kept going to all the welcome home parties for the athletes because he didn’t want to let go of the high and get back to reality. I told him that all our passports, birth certs, etc were packed up at a friend’s place and that he had one month of counselling to prove he was committed to being married to me or I was taking the kids back to Australia. (I also knew I had him over a barrel as his work visa was dependent on me signing on for another five years.... wasn’t prepared to do so while his head was up his arse.) I also expected complete public accountability with friends. To admit that he had forgotten to acknowledge me, everything I had sacrificed to enable his job, his selfishness, etc... We’re still together and I’m approaching 50. Wonder how that one goes!

I don’t understand some on MN who look down on those of us who enjoy birthdays.

I don't look down on anyone who enjoys birthdays (and am happy to help them celebrate), just as I don't look down on anyone who enjoys extreme sports; backpacking; eating liver, or any of a number of things that I don't. Just as long as they don't pressurize me to acknowledge mine, and especially not to acknowledge any sort of age-milestone. It's just as inconsiderate to press a birthday onto someone who wants their birthday to be ignored, as to ignore the birthday of someone who wants their birthday to be acknowledged.

Sorry for derailing the thread, but this really is one of the things that I find most hurtful in my own life. Hasn't happened recently, though.

I think this is a tough time for celebrations for everyone, and especially for those who prefer 'experiences' (going out to dinner, a concert, etc.) to 'things' as presents, because so many 'experiences' are now unavailable or unsafe. One of the best early Christmas gifts I ever had was an event to meet and to hear a talk from one of my favourite writers (Frances Hardinge). Unfortunately, that couldn't happen now, or only on Zoom.

I hope that everyone here who does like birthdays gets something they like, despite the current restrictions!

FuckYouCorona: Personally, I can't see why anyone would want to celebrate getting older once they're out of their teens/early 20's. If I could cancel the day I would. Celebrating my 40th was certainly not something I wanted to do & I definitely won't want being 50 rammed down my throat.

That's exactly how I feel! That is, I can understand other people wanting to do so, just like anything else they wish to do that doesn't harm others. But it's very important to me personally that others should not ram my age down my throat; and I keep my birthday as secret as possible.

I also totally agree with your username!

I don’t understand some on MN who look down on those of us that enjoy birthdays

I enjoy birthdays, but OP was being very childish about it, crying for an hour in the bath for goodness sake.

I had a milestone birthday earlier this year (50th), it was important for me to celebrate. I did all of the original planning, was supposed to go on holiday and when that had to be cancelled I discussed with DH what we should do instead. I didn’t stay silent and then act like a three year old because DH is not a mind reader.

I can absolutely understand OP. My niece recently said “ Oh you don’t need to bother, it’s only 19, nothing special” but I told her firmly that every birthday is special. Even if someone isn’t fussed themselves, they should see when a partner or friend is fussed & make a fuss of them! It’s a few years ago but I still feel very sad about my 50th. Most of the day was good but it ended on such a downer because of DH’s behaviour & that’s a special time I can’t get back. I intend to have an absolute blast for my 60th!!

@Florencex

I don’t understand some on MN who look down on those of us that enjoy birthdays

I enjoy birthdays, but OP was being very childish about it, crying for an hour in the bath for goodness sake.

I had a milestone birthday earlier this year (50th), it was important for me to celebrate. I did all of the original planning, was supposed to go on holiday and when that had to be cancelled I discussed with DH what we should do instead. I didn’t stay silent and then act like a three year old because DH is not a mind reader.

Being told I behaved like a 3 year when I've just turned 40 is hilarious At the time I was embarrassed that I couldn't stop crying and didn't want to make my husband feel like a total shit as I knew that I was mostly at fault for not communicating what I would have liked. You live (40 years!) you learn I guess

Woke up feeling better today, I guess the whole day was just a big emotional shitshow but I am alive and healthy and amazing what a nights sleep and some reflection can do. Thank you for all your insights and a lesson for some of us who have trouble communicating sometimes x

Glad you are feeling better. Only 9 years and 364 days to prepare him for your 50th!

I hope your gental chat with dh results in a memorable belated experience soon.

You didn’t behave like a three year old. You behaved like a woman whose husband behaved like a thoughtless arsehole and when this was pointed out, he became defensive and victim-blamed. My suggestion is to not go out on a limb for his special occasions and see how he feels.

I enjoy birthdays, but OP was being very childish about it, crying for an hour in the bath for goodness sake.

Or maybe this was the straw that broke the camels back, after the stress of the last 6 months, looking forward to something good and it didn’t happen. I’ll bet the tears weren’t just about the birthday.

You say you don’t want your husband to feel bad but I really think you need him to understand how his lack of forethought and care hurt you. Do you often suppress your feelings and wellbeing whilst caring for everyone else and making sure they are all ok? I rather think you do. I suspect the tears are a culmination of things and you hoping that, perhaps for once, you would be treated ‘specially’.

Ummm.... I think he needs to feel bad. He needs to be made accountable for forgetting that you are a valuable human being. I bet if it was one of his mates or a work colleague he’d put more effort in. Your bday was all token, last minute tat.

What did you expect - diamonds?

@ProperVexed

Glad you are feeling better. Only 9 years and 364 days to prepare him for your 50th!

Hahaha brilliant!

@TheJessicaClarke

What did you expect - diamonds?

Yes mountains of them. I also wanted to be 2 stone lighter and a millionaire - I guess you really can't have everything you want

@Legoandloldolls

I hope your gental chat with dh results in a memorable belated experience soon.

Thank you, really has been an eye opener about communicating and my anxiety over the whole thing

@MintyMabel

I enjoy birthdays, but OP was being very childish about it, crying for an hour in the bath for goodness sake.

Or maybe this was the straw that broke the camels back, after the stress of the last 6 months, looking forward to something good and it didn’t happen. I’ll bet the tears weren’t just about the birthday.

You are right, a multitude of things going on coupled with general anxiety about the whole 40 thing. Being on the otherside of it now I feel more relaxed than I have felt in a while.

@KatherineSiena

You say you don’t want your husband to feel bad but I really think you need him to understand how his lack of forethought and care hurt you. Do you often suppress your feelings and wellbeing whilst caring for everyone else and making sure they are all ok? I rather think you do. I suspect the tears are a culmination of things and you hoping that, perhaps for once, you would be treated ‘specially’.

Yes this is the case a lot of the time, I have really had time to think about this now and it is time to stop being a bit of a martyr. Living 40 years of being afraid to rock the boat has taken its toll a bit. We had a good chat, he said he was sorry and that he should have made more of an effort but with the family get together and the gifts from friends and family he assumed I was happy with everything (which I am extremely grateful for considering the current situation) I just said I thought he would have made more of a fuss. Meal booked for next Friday and an overnight stay for our boys at their grandads. I do think I went a bit overboard crying so much but I literally couldn't stop. There was defo some hormone stuff going on also and altogether it was just too much. Feeling much better now and happy to be healthy.

@justilou1

Ummm.... I think he needs to feel bad. He needs to be made accountable for forgetting that you are a valuable human being. I bet if it was one of his mates or a work colleague he’d put more effort in. Your bday was all token, last minute tat.

He does!

I had my 50th 2 years ago and it was terrible. Partner (we are in a LDR) had arranged nothing, I'd arranged for us to spend the night of at a hotel away, then due to partner pissing about in the morning (and his idea of a treat for breakfast was going to a fucking manky inner city Weatherspoons) we ended up on the wrong train...I was so upset it set my toothache off (filling had come out, taking half the tooth with it). I ended up cancelling the hotel and we went back to my flat. The evening was just the usual stuff, nothing special at all. No meal out, no flowers, champagne, nothing. Partner ended up drinking more than I did!

I wouldn't have minded, but we met when I had just turned 41 and I'd spent 9 years telling him how shit my 40th was. Birthdays have always been a sore spot for me - my parents stopped making any sort of effort when I was 9 and we started living abroad - basically as there was no family audience to see what great parents they were, they didn't bother. My mother actually called me a bitch on my 11th birthday (to this day me and my brother have no idea why)....

It's partner's 50th in less than a month. I've already told him I'm doing nothing - can't afford it and frankly don't see why I should. I'm in a local lockdown area so if that's still in place he won't be able to come up to see me anyway...

Can’t say I blame you, @noirchatsdeux! What a shit! I’m sorry!!! If my DH doesn’t do something special for my 50th, I’m walking! (He has two years to plan. I wrote about the 40th debacle upstream, so he can’t say he wasn’t warned!)