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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is upsetting

173 replies

Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 16:43

Milestone birthday, DH got me a coat (that didn't fit) and a mug. Slow cooker meal for dinner, no surprises planned (100%) card from the local shop. AIBU to feel very sad and let down

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Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 21:09

@stovetopespresso

Happy Birthday op! mine too today and if dh hadnt heard my new boss firmly telling me (on zoom) to take the afternoon off, prompting me to book my fave restaurant we really wouldn't have done anything much. I felt disappointed and jittery getting out of the car in case it wasn't 'fun' enough so I'm not posting in a yay me kind of way I do get it. dh got me a mirror (frame arrived broken) and duvet as presents which I asked for. bought myself a new work bag and took myself away with mates last weekend. so op have a birthday season, get a sitter and go out this saturday maybe or whatever it takes to celebrate your day.
Happy birthday Flowers lovely to hear you got out for a meal, I will defo be more direct in future
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Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 21:11

@TeapotCollection

Happy birthday OP 💐
Thank you Smile
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Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 21:14

@CornflakeMum

Happy Birthday OP!

Birthdays have become a bit of a hostile battleground in our marriage in recent years Sad. They weren't a big deal in my family, but were in DH's so he always expects a ridiculous fuss made over him. However it ends up being mind games as he doesn't tell me what he'd like to do, but then sulks when he doesn't get what he deems his 'perfect' birthday. Last month he got hobby-related presents, a zoom-call tea & cake with family and I cooked his favourite meal BUT he was grumpy because at 8 am in the morning when he suddenly announced "I've taken a day's holiday and who wants to come shopping with we?" we all explained that sorry, (me and teenage DSs) actually had other commitments and plans which we couldn't just suddenly ditch...

Then when it's MY birthday he buys things like tickets for concerts HE wants to see, then when I say I'm not keen on XYZ suggests taking his mate!

Grrr...

Blimey that is quite intense!
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Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 21:17

@tiredybear

I had my big 40 this year. Even worse than you...we are in a different country to close friends and family. asked for a zoom quiz night...he couldn't even get that organised. The night before he said he was having trouble with technology, I asked if he'd actually invited anyone yet...he said no. FFS. I had asked about 2 months previously, and told him who to talk to to help set it up. he just couldn't be arsed. I got a box of chocolates. I always go big for his big birthdays (he's older than me) ..I've learnt now, am not going to bother for him and will organise my own stuff, without him, for my birthdays. I was so hurt.
Oh thats rubbish, I think he could have easily said he was having trouble/needed help etc...so that you were not left so disapointed Sad
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Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 21:19

@Bowerbird5

I had mine in lockdown I got nothing. I think you are quite lucky.
Sorry to hear that, happy birthday and hope next year will be a better one Flowers
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Puddlepop · 29/09/2020 21:37

Happy birthday OP!!! Since it’s a big birthday, won’t you consider a full birthday week instead? I feel so sorry for your having to put on a brave face today... that takes a lot of energy!

One day you’ll hopefully be able to look back and remember the weirdness of the covid-year-birthday and laugh at how much crap there was in the world.

Make a list of what you’re requesting. Less guesswork, less stress! Wishing you a healthy and fulfilling year ahead :)

Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 21:41

@Puddlepop

Happy birthday OP!!! Since it’s a big birthday, won’t you consider a full birthday week instead? I feel so sorry for your having to put on a brave face today... that takes a lot of energy!

One day you’ll hopefully be able to look back and remember the weirdness of the covid-year-birthday and laugh at how much crap there was in the world.

Make a list of what you’re requesting. Less guesswork, less stress! Wishing you a healthy and fulfilling year ahead :)

Thank you so much @Puddlepop as the day has wore on i feel better about it. I'm sure i will look back tomorrow and be over it! Thank you for the wishes, lets hope we all have better times ahead of us x
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GertrudeCB · 29/09/2020 21:49

My DH used to be like this..... but also expected a big fuss in his birthday. After 15 years or so I thought, sod it & did exactly what he did for me on my birthday for him on his, aka a card and a bunch of cheap flowers after dinner, no cake, no going out, no fuss, no other present.
He was gobsmacked- I just kept repeating that I'd had exactly the same for my birthday. It worked.

Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 21:53

@GertrudeCB

My DH used to be like this..... but also expected a big fuss in his birthday. After 15 years or so I thought, sod it & did exactly what he did for me on my birthday for him on his, aka a card and a bunch of cheap flowers after dinner, no cake, no going out, no fuss, no other present. He was gobsmacked- I just kept repeating that I'd had exactly the same for my birthday. It worked.
Brilliant! Grin
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saraclara · 29/09/2020 21:53

@DeciduousPerennial

Oh, and “we’re in a pandemic, grow up” is so reductive. Yes, we are. So even more reason to show the ones we love that we care in the meaningful ways instead of using it as an excuse to be a cop out. Because otherwise, what IS the point of coming out the other side of it?
Exactly. The pandemic has, if anything, made me and my daughters closer. Especially during lockdown we were making and sending things in the post to each other, just to show that we loved and missed each other.

It's EXACTLY the time to make the most of what we CAN do, and to realise what and who is a priority in our lives. If you can't do something thoughtful for people you love when everything around them is rubbish, then there's little hope for you.

COVID as an excuse not to expect anything of yourself in relation to others? Nope, can't agree with that.

TimeStoleMyYouth · 29/09/2020 22:07

I had a milestone birthday before lockdown. For the last few years DH hadn’t got me a present, but as this was a special birthday I’d hoped that he would have made an effort - at least a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers, or even a loving message on a card, just something to show he’d actually thought about me. He didn’t. Nothing at all. No card, no cake. I was so hurt. I felt completely unappreciated and worthless.

I shall never forget, nor forgive.

Your husband at least got you something, and no doubt in his mind the celebration you’d had at the weekend meant you’d marked your special milestone.

Happy birthday anyway, OP ... I’d love to be forty again!

Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 22:18

@TimeStoleMyYouth

I had a milestone birthday before lockdown. For the last few years DH hadn’t got me a present, but as this was a special birthday I’d hoped that he would have made an effort - at least a box of chocolates or a bunch of flowers, or even a loving message on a card, just something to show he’d actually thought about me. He didn’t. Nothing at all. No card, no cake. I was so hurt. I felt completely unappreciated and worthless.

I shall never forget, nor forgive.

Your husband at least got you something, and no doubt in his mind the celebration you’d had at the weekend meant you’d marked your special milestone.

Happy birthday anyway, OP ... I’d love to be forty again!

That's so upsetting to hear, i can't believe that no acknowledgement whatsoever was made. I would feel exactly the same Sad
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FourDecades · 29/09/2020 22:23

For my 40th DH took the day off work, put up couple of banners and balloons and we went out for lunch.

As we'd had my "birthday meal" he asked if it was "ok" for him to go out in the evening for his usual hobby. I of course said yes as l knew he'd sulk otherwise so spent the evening alone.

He is now XH as the person he did his hobby with was - unbeknown to me at the time - was the OW

oakleaffy · 29/09/2020 22:24

@Gutted2day

Thanks so much all - it just really hurt that not even a special meal today (a takeway even!) has been arranged. It doesn't help that all friends/fam keep saying. What's DH planned/hope you're being spoiled messages keep popping up. I can't bring myself to say anything as I feel like I would sound like a brat
Ah, @Gutted2day I sympathise.. My friend turned up in floods of tears, Milestone birthday and her DH hadn't even got her a card!

But this year so many have had Milestone Birthdays in the heart of Lockdown.. it is like some Club.
You have joined it.
Men can be rather crap at presents , but he should have at least considered a nice takeaway. Flowers

oakleaffy · 29/09/2020 22:25

Edit...My friend's milestone wasn't in Covid year, so no excuse for her DH to forget!

oakleaffy · 29/09/2020 22:26

@FourDecades

For my 40th DH took the day off work, put up couple of banners and balloons and we went out for lunch.

As we'd had my "birthday meal" he asked if it was "ok" for him to go out in the evening for his usual hobby. I of course said yes as l knew he'd sulk otherwise so spent the evening alone.

He is now XH as the person he did his hobby with was - unbeknown to me at the time - was the OW

Oh..That's horrid. Nasty man.
Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 22:26

@FourDecades

For my 40th DH took the day off work, put up couple of banners and balloons and we went out for lunch.

As we'd had my "birthday meal" he asked if it was "ok" for him to go out in the evening for his usual hobby. I of course said yes as l knew he'd sulk otherwise so spent the evening alone.

He is now XH as the person he did his hobby with was - unbeknown to me at the time - was the OW

What an arse Angry you deserve much better Flowers
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Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 22:29

@oakleaffy yeah its not great, just thought as we both booked day off and kids were at school he might have planned something, my own assumption was wrong I guess

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Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 22:32

In floods of tears again now and can't sleep. I now suspect some hormone shenanigans as I would not normally react/behave like this ffs

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Gigglr · 29/09/2020 22:37

If it makes you feel any better I got a mug from the local farm shop for my 40th.

tastybites · 29/09/2020 22:44

The worst of it was after crying in the bath for about an hour I could smell the dinner in the slow cooker and it started a fresh batch of tears
Omfg I'm pmsl! Sorry op! Happy birthday!

Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 22:47

@Gigglr

If it makes you feel any better I got a mug from the local farm shop for my 40th.
From some of the replies on here it sounds like if your nearest and dearest don't bother with anything that's fine Confused so you should be grateful for your mug. I however do not personally think it's great, unless you are a mug obsessive and it was completing some sort of a life long collection Wink
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Original poster
Gutted2day · 29/09/2020 22:49

@tastybites

The worst of it was after crying in the bath for about an hour I could smell the dinner in the slow cooker and it started a fresh batch of tears Omfg I'm pmsl! Sorry op! Happy birthday!
Isn't it ridiculous? I'm going to have flashbacks every time we have a chicken curry Blush
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Legoandloldolls · 29/09/2020 22:49

Happy birthday OP 🥳🥳🥳🥳

You are not being a brat at all. Some men need it spelling out in big neon signs

I think you need to tell him when the time is right. My dh did similar one year and I asked him how he would have felt if that was his birthday. Anyway, he soon found out when I got him a card and a "happy birthday, what's your plan for the day?" a month later. I think he got the message.

Maybe start with "that's how I imagined my milestone birthday to be" and go from.there. I know it's a pandemic. But still this is piss poor of him. He can make it up to you, it's your big year, so plan your perfect day together for later on.

MintyMabel · 29/09/2020 22:51

I would be mainly a little bit disappointed that your dh didn't know the size and fit of your coat!

Depends which way it went. If my husband bought me a size 12 coat I’d be flattered. If he bought me a size 20 - not so much!