To think this is upsetting

[Gutted2day]

Milestone birthday, DH got me a coat (that didn't fit) and a mug. Slow cooker meal for dinner, no surprises planned (100%) card from the local shop. AIBU to feel very sad and let down

@Legoandloldolls

Happy birthday OP 🥳🥳🥳🥳

You are not being a brat at all. Some men need it spelling out in big neon signs

I think you need to tell him when the time is right. My dh did similar one year and I asked him how he would have felt if that was his birthday. Anyway, he soon found out when I got him a card and a "happy birthday, what's your plan for the day?" a month later. I think he got the message.

Maybe start with "that's how I imagined my milestone birthday to be" and go from.there. I know it's a pandemic. But still this is piss poor of him. He can make it up to you, it's your big year, so plan your perfect day together for later on.

Yep definitely was not going to say anything today as i would have cried my eyes out and felt like a baby. It would have also made him feel shit which is not my intension, just sad and down that it didn't occur naturally if you get what I mean?

@MintyMabel

I would be mainly a little bit disappointed that your dh didn't know the size and fit of your coat!

Depends which way it went. If my husband bought me a size 12 coat I’d be flattered. If he bought me a size 20 - not so much!

Close-ish, I'm a 14 and he got an 18. I have lost a bit of weight to be fair and I know him, he loves a bargin and prob got it on sale hoping for the best

I cried my eyes out and it still hurts. I put massive effort into his birthdays and all the kids. I got a mug with a twee saying. The worst part was that he wrapped it and I had this little bit of hope that he'd gotten me something nice. But it was a mug. For my 40th. I do actually like Emma bridge water mugs but this was just a crap mug that was on the sale shelf in the farm shop near the tills. It was more insulting that getting nothing. But he thought I'd be mad if I didn't have something to open....

@Gigglr

I cried my eyes out and it still hurts. I put massive effort into his birthdays and all the kids. I got a mug with a twee saying. The worst part was that he wrapped it and I had this little bit of hope that he'd gotten me something nice. But it was a mug. For my 40th. I do actually like Emma bridge water mugs but this was just a crap mug that was on the sale shelf in the farm shop near the tills. It was more insulting that getting nothing. But he thought I'd be mad if I didn't have something to open....

That sounds so upsetting - so not fair if you make such an effort for him and the kids x

Now that i think of it, I remember many years ago my father bought my mum a household appliance for one of my mums birthdays

Happy birthday OP. It's mine today too. DH got it perfect but it's taken 10 years of trying!

Oh and I always tell him what I want!

My hubby is a bit useless when it comes to birthdays,and I always feel let down. When it's his birthday, I'll pick up in things that he's mentioned,or said that he's liked and try my hardest to get it. When it's mine, I get " oh, I never know what to get you. So if we're out and about and you see something,then buy it"
Great. Thanks for that. My kids never have a problem buying me stuff!
This year I'd mentioned some face cream. I have an Amazon account,he doesn't, so I ended up having to order it and pay for it ( joint account but even so....)
One year I got a bottle of gin and a pair of bedsocks. I buy myself gin anyway so it wasn't a treat.
I know I sound ungrateful but it's hurtful. He can't work because of health reasons ( not his fault, I know), so I'm the chief breadwinner . I work from home, 50 hours a week, and because of his health issues ( he hasn't been able to work for 4 years), my plans have had to change. I'm 52, I had plans to wind down a bit when I'm 55 but I can't do that now- mortgage to pay etc- and I just feel that I don't get a lot of appreciation for it! I love him to bits, but it does bug me!

Happy birthday @Gutted2day

Sorry you've had a rubbish day.

I also had a shitty 40th earlier this year and the well meant comments asking what DH got me made it worse.

Personally, I can't see why anyone would want to celebrate getting older once they're out of their teens/early 20's. If I could cancel the day I would. Celebrating my 40th was certainly not something I wanted to do & I definitely won't want being 50 rammed down my throat. DD just had her 21st in lockdown. Not a single fuck given. I guess we're all different. Sounds like you had a reasonable day in the end!

Minus the coat that is about what I would do for DH and he would do for me.

We just celebrate it the way we want so we may say 'its my birthday so we are having takeaway' or 'I want this book I will buy it and say its from you' or 'I want to go to this place for a day out its my birthday coming up we will go on the weekend nearest' if there are no actual plans with anyone else

We may buy the odd thing for each other over the years if we think of it and it is perfect. DH got me a Cornish ware mug once never used it but I like it sitting in the cupboard

If you want to be upset no one can take that away from you but I have never found people who have birthday expectations are ever happy with what they get.

If you have an mutual agreement that certain things have to happen for birthdays, anniversaries etc and one doesn't then I get being upset
but we just go with what we feel like doing at the time and most of the time it is not much

From now on OP give him a list of 4 things you want for your birthday and he can pick one or two off it so you can get a surprise (and something that you really want). I'm thinking Elemis Pro Collagen Overnight Matrix, voucher for a nice salon for a hairdo and full body massage, expensive bottle of perfume, new phone, etc. Isn't payback fun?! Happy birthday for yesterday X

So, he couldn’t be arsed getting anything you’d like or anything that fits, or even anything you might actually need. Just something cheap and and a “that’ll do as well, hopefully to cover for the lack of thought with the fucking coat.” I don’t blame you for crying in the bath. I am surprised that he didn’t fucking say anything. Coward. He absolutely knows. I would be furious.

@northernstars

Happy birthday OP. It's mine today too. DH got it perfect but it's taken 10 years of trying!

Happy birthday!

@looselegs

My hubby is a bit useless when it comes to birthdays,and I always feel let down. When it's his birthday, I'll pick up in things that he's mentioned,or said that he's liked and try my hardest to get it. When it's mine, I get " oh, I never know what to get you. So if we're out and about and you see something,then buy it" Great. Thanks for that. My kids never have a problem buying me stuff! This year I'd mentioned some face cream. I have an Amazon account,he doesn't, so I ended up having to order it and pay for it ( joint account but even so....) One year I got a bottle of gin and a pair of bedsocks. I buy myself gin anyway so it wasn't a treat. I know I sound ungrateful but it's hurtful. He can't work because of health reasons ( not his fault, I know), so I'm the chief breadwinner . I work from home, 50 hours a week, and because of his health issues ( he hasn't been able to work for 4 years), my plans have had to change. I'm 52, I had plans to wind down a bit when I'm 55 but I can't do that now- mortgage to pay etc- and I just feel that I don't get a lot of appreciation for it! I love him to bits, but it does bug me!

Its not ungrateful at all, I totally get it. I had a mate that also has a DH every year she has to buy and wrap her own presents for every occasion. Just a little thought goes a long way doesn"t it. Again not about the expense just feeling like someone chose a gift or arranged a meal/experience that you would like

@2020nymph

Happy birthday *@Gutted2day*

Sorry you've had a rubbish day.

I also had a shitty 40th earlier this year and the well meant comments asking what DH got me made it worse.

It just compounds it doesn't it? Obviously well meaning but felt so pants about it all day

@FuckYouCorona

Personally, I can't see why anyone would want to celebrate getting older once they're out of their teens/early 20's. If I could cancel the day I would. Celebrating my 40th was certainly not something I wanted to do & I definitely won't want being 50 rammed down my throat. DD just had her 21st in lockdown. Not a single fuck given. I guess we're all different. Sounds like you had a reasonable day in the end!

I am not into huge celebrations at all, just would have been nice to have a meal out together or with kids. Birthdays are subjective, just felt sad that it was treated as normal day with school runs, washing etc...

@seayork2020

Minus the coat that is about what I would do for DH and he would do for me.

We just celebrate it the way we want so we may say 'its my birthday so we are having takeaway' or 'I want this book I will buy it and say its from you' or 'I want to go to this place for a day out its my birthday coming up we will go on the weekend nearest' if there are no actual plans with anyone else

We may buy the odd thing for each other over the years if we think of it and it is perfect. DH got me a Cornish ware mug once never used it but I like it sitting in the cupboard

If you want to be upset no one can take that away from you but I have never found people who have birthday expectations are ever happy with what they get.

If you have an mutual agreement that certain things have to happen for birthdays, anniversaries etc and one doesn't then I get being upset
but we just go with what we feel like doing at the time and most of the time it is not much

Communication is the key here and I know it, whatever you both want to do is great and if that is discussed and both happy then wonderful. I know I should have said what I would have liked earlier, just felt massively let down on the day

@bebarkered

From now on OP give him a list of 4 things you want for your birthday and he can pick one or two off it so you can get a surprise (and something that you really want). I'm thinking Elemis Pro Collagen Overnight Matrix, voucher for a nice salon for a hairdo and full body massage, expensive bottle of perfume, new phone, etc. Isn't payback fun?! Happy birthday for yesterday X

Yep I need to be more vocal next time, those suggestions sound great

@justilou1

So, he couldn’t be arsed getting anything you’d like or anything that fits, or even anything you might actually need. Just something cheap and and a “that’ll do as well, hopefully to cover for the lack of thought with the fucking coat.” I don’t blame you for crying in the bath. I am surprised that he didn’t fucking say anything. Coward. He absolutely knows. I would be furious.

I still can't get my head round it tbh. He even said 'wow I think I've been out done with the other gifts you have got' Again, not about the money but friends/family have given thoughful gifts that I would like (including just some chocolate bars I love and cards with beautiful words) and I just went in to a spiral yesterday of 'does this person even know me or even care'? I couldn't really look at him most of the day as I just wanted to collapse in a heap which felt pathetic

Can’t remember the poster now but Is the pandemic not even more reason to celebrate the small things? IF you hadn’t noticed life hasn’t stood still completely ....

I don’t understand some on MN who look down on those of us who enjoy birthdays.
It’s so childish celebrating the day you were born lots of reasons to celebrate... still being alive is a start!

I planned my own 40th fun last year. My partner did amazing with presents but I organised my nights out with friends/family.

I know it’s not ideal for you but maybe suggest a meal out as a family at the weekend to continue the celebration.

Now that i think of it, I remember many years ago my father bought my mum a household appliance for one of my mums birthdays

I bought my husband a robot hoover for his Christmas.

He once bought me a vegetable steamer.

I’d be upset too OP. I absolutely LOVE birthdays, especially my own and always put a lot of effort into my nearest and dearest’s big days.

My own DH can also be a bit crap at them too. I’ve found actually being direct about what I want works for us both - he gets a better idea about how I feel and I know I’ve got a nice surprise coming.

I’d probably mention to DH in the sense of “errr, I hope you’ve got something more than that planned for my 40th, you know it’s a big one!!” And then maybe drop in a few hints of things you like. (Depends on your relationship with your DH though. Mine is very humerous and he’d take this with a chuckle).

Happy birthday darling.
We're not into big celebrations for birthdays, we usually go out for dinner, kids usually come round and see us, sometimes they come with us etc. However, I've got a big birthday coming up in January and I've dropped loads of hints, saying I've never had a birthday party, not even as a kid (mum didn't like people, and we never had any money). My kids always had a party, we still try and make their birthdays special (tho the latest one was a big issue but that's another story!)
Depending on lockdown/ covid rules etc I'm not sure if anything special will be possible (I've hinted at a surprise birthday party!) but I doubt it'll happen. Got some more kids birthdays soon, after the last one I'm heading towards not putting myself out which is sad but it makes you feel like that. A little bit of thought goes a long way.

My birthday this year was just after lockdown when everyone was still in the "I'm not going to let this stop us from having fun" mindset.

I had 'cocktail hour' with my old friends on zoom then we all watched a live theatre production together which was being streamed, "chatting" on WhatsApp. Had a huge platter of meat/cheese/olives/bread etc to share with family while watching.

When DH had his birthday last month and was sulking, one of the things he complained about was that I'd had this 'event' for my birthday. Yes, I said, and how did that happen? He looked at me blankly. I organised it. Every last bit of it. Booked the date with friends two weeks before, found something to watch, organised the zoom meetings/whatsapp chats, ordered and laid out the food & drink etc.
It genuinely didn't seem to have occurred to him how this 'event' had happened .

(And to be fair, when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday he hadn't suggested anything similar.)