To think this is upsetting

[Gutted2day]

Milestone birthday, DH got me a coat (that didn't fit) and a mug. Slow cooker meal for dinner, no surprises planned (100%) card from the local shop. AIBU to feel very sad and let down

@SchadenfreudePersonified

They've just changed our rules yesterday FOKKYFC - no mixing of households at all in public venues (or private ones for that matter). We are in a "high risk" area, allegedly.

Son and partner will be wishing me a socially distanced hug and happy returns from the end of the drive.

Happy birthday for tomorrow, sorry to hear your plans have been cancelled

I think the growing up/older is part of the melancholy today

Speaking as someone who just turned 61, 40 is SO YOUNG!!!!

Happy birthday OP! I’ve been in your exact shoes, feeling disappointed by other half’s lack of thought/birthday planning. You’re not alone!

I honestly think it’s because they don’t expect it on their birthdays so they don’t really think about doing it for yours. My DP has never been one for birthdays, always working on his (he’s a chef) and doesn’t really see the fuss. I just plan anything I want to do for either of our birthdays or special occasions and he usually pays . He’s happy to go with the flow whereas I’m a planner. If I don’t plan/book something we wouldn’t do anything!

Maybe your DH is the same?

He can be ultra thoughtful and sweet at other times, completely out of the blue and not for a special occasion (Christmas/Valentine’s etc). It’s just not in his DNA to do it for a birthday!

Doesn’t mean they don’t love you! Have a little pity party for 5 mins if it’ll make you feel better and then move on and try to forget about it. Men are just useless sometimes and don’t know how it makes us feel!

Try to enjoy your day and remember that it’s just one day. He will probably be offended if you say something (I know from experience!) so perhaps next year heavily suggest/book something yourself to avoid disappointment.

@Swimminginroses

Hm, tbh, while I get that you are disappointed, I do think that you are overreacting personally.

He did get you a gift, it’s not his fault it didn’t fit and celebrations were planned, it’s not his fault that covid put an end to it.

You said yourself he’s not a dick just that he doesn’t always think.
He’d probably be quite upset if he knew how you felt I imagine.

This is true and I know it which is why I'm choosing not to say anything today about it. Wanted to give it a few days and see if I was still gutted

You are definitely NOT BU. I'd be gutted too. Birthdays are a big deal in our house and even though i need to spell out what presents I want to DH, he always makes a big effort. As I do for him. He turned 40 in June and I did everything I could (despite lockdown) to make it special for him. So to those who say the OP should shut up because, pandemic...i say nonsense, a pandemic might mean big parties are off the cards but last time I checked, shops were open and selling things!

But on MN, if you dare to want your birthday to be a bit special, then you're obviously an overgrown child

OP, I hope you've ordered yourself a takeaway (for one), had the champers and are now having a luxurious bath. Do tell him how you feel though, there's still a chance for him to turn it around.

@RelaisBlu

I think the growing up/older is part of the melancholy today

Speaking as someone who just turned 61, 40 is SO YOUNG!!!!

You are right and as the day goes on I'm feeling better about it x Happy 61st

@Smudgefell

Happy birthday OP! I’ve been in your exact shoes, feeling disappointed by other half’s lack of thought/birthday planning. You’re not alone!

I honestly think it’s because they don’t expect it on their birthdays so they don’t really think about doing it for yours. My DP has never been one for birthdays, always working on his (he’s a chef) and doesn’t really see the fuss. I just plan anything I want to do for either of our birthdays or special occasions and he usually pays . He’s happy to go with the flow whereas I’m a planner. If I don’t plan/book something we wouldn’t do anything!

Maybe your DH is the same?

He can be ultra thoughtful and sweet at other times, completely out of the blue and not for a special occasion (Christmas/Valentine’s etc). It’s just not in his DNA to do it for a birthday!

Doesn’t mean they don’t love you! Have a little pity party for 5 mins if it’ll make you feel better and then move on and try to forget about it. Men are just useless sometimes and don’t know how it makes us feel!

Try to enjoy your day and remember that it’s just one day. He will probably be offended if you say something (I know from experience!) so perhaps next year heavily suggest/book something yourself to avoid disappointment.

I think the pity party is coming to an end now, just felt super sad all day. You are correct other random bday/anniversaries have been lovely. I'm sure I will re-read this thread tomorrow and want to cringe!

Happy birthday op! Men can be such thoughtless dicks. Mine is so crap at these things. No imagination and just quite selfish really.
We've bought step daughter (his daughter) a beautiful charm bracelet and quite a few charms for her upcoming special birthday, I looked at them today and thought, I've never had anything so thoughtful and special myself, ever. Can I join you in feeling sorry for myself?
Why don't you go online and treat yourself to something lovely, new perfume, makeup, some nice chocolates and stuff him.

@ColourMeExhausted

You are definitely NOT BU. I'd be gutted too. Birthdays are a big deal in our house and even though i need to spell out what presents I want to DH, he always makes a big effort. As I do for him. He turned 40 in June and I did everything I could (despite lockdown) to make it special for him. So to those who say the OP should shut up because, pandemic...i say nonsense, a pandemic might mean big parties are off the cards but last time I checked, shops were open and selling things!

But on MN, if you dare to want your birthday to be a bit special, then you're obviously an overgrown child

OP, I hope you've ordered yourself a takeaway (for one), had the champers and are now having a luxurious bath. Do tell him how you feel though, there's still a chance for him to turn it around.

Haha yes I was expecting the backlash and I get it, just felt pants about it. Champers has been replaced by tea and a box of heroes

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide

Happy birthday op! Men can be such thoughtless dicks. Mine is so crap at these things. No imagination and just quite selfish really. We've bought step daughter (his daughter) a beautiful charm bracelet and quite a few charms for her upcoming special birthday, I looked at them today and thought, I've never had anything so thoughtful and special myself, ever. Can I join you in feeling sorry for myself? Why don't you go online and treat yourself to something lovely, new perfume, makeup, some nice chocolates and stuff him.

It's hard isn't it how something can just catch you? It's just nice when get something that is thoughful (doesn't have to be expensive/designer etc...)

To the people telling the op to grow up, just because it wouldn’t bother you, doesn’t mean it can’t upset her. Different people react in different ways. I’m single and childless and make bloody sure my friends remember my birthday because nobody else will. I know this because on my 30th the only person who remembered was my late mother.

Happy birthday OP 💐

This was my 40th! I got a balloon saying 40 on it. He said that because I'd booked a trip away he assumed he didn't have to get me anything. Yet I booked, arranged and paid for the trip away! Like you the worst of it was everyone asking what he'd got me - I was really embarrassed saying a balloon! He knew about it because I could barely speak to him for 3 weeks. It wasn't about money, for me it was the fact that I sort out everyone's birthdays in my family as well as his, as well as Christmas. Just one I wanted him to make some effort. Anyway my strop got through to him and now he's much better and tries to think in advance. I'm 50 soon so we will see how that goes

@ToastyCrumpet

To the people telling the op to grow up, just because it wouldn’t bother you, doesn’t mean it can’t upset her. Different people react in different ways. I’m single and childless and make bloody sure my friends remember my birthday because nobody else will. I know this because on my 30th the only person who remembered was my late mother.

Good for you, I think the direct approach is going to be my attitude with this from now on with my DH. I don't want to feel like this again!

Happy Birthday! I understand completely as my 50th was the same. No effort from DP at all and he is usually pretty good. I had said that I wanted a meal out with close friends, but as the day got closer and I realised that both DSs had other plans and DP had arranged a physio appointment for himself at 1900. I was gutted, we had a huge row in the morning when I expressed my disappointment. He tried to make amends during the day but my heart wasn't in it. The evening was spent eating takeout pizza ( I hate pizza) and helping DS with a difficult piece of college work that was due in the next day.
I'm not over yet, three years later. On each of my subsequent birthdays I don't get involved, and just say that we don't celebrate my birthday. I always make a huge fuss of everyone else's birthdays though.
Sorry to ramble, I hope you get over it and he steps up.

@Knickerthief1

This was my 40th! I got a balloon saying 40 on it. He said that because I'd booked a trip away he assumed he didn't have to get me anything. Yet I booked, arranged and paid for the trip away! Like you the worst of it was everyone asking what he'd got me - I was really embarrassed saying a balloon! He knew about it because I could barely speak to him for 3 weeks. It wasn't about money, for me it was the fact that I sort out everyone's birthdays in my family as well as his, as well as Christmas. Just one I wanted him to make some effort. Anyway my strop got through to him and now he's much better and tries to think in advance. I'm 50 soon so we will see how that goes

Oh god isn't it the worst - my best mate called me 1st thing to wish me happy birthday and she knew something was up but I couldn't say as I was gonna bawl

I would be mainly a little bit disappointed that your dh didn't know the size and fit of your coat! Is it exchangeable? I think it's not just men who need things spelled out to them; it's everyone. Because not everyone wants the same things. I absolutely hate to have 'big' or 'milestone' birthdays marked at all; my age is not something that I want to celebrate. For things that I do celebrate, I would probably prefer a meal out, more than gifts - but in some parts of the country, that is currently unsafe. I would like the sort of presents that you received, as I collect mugs, and would love a new coat (though only if it fit!) But you have to tell him what you want.

Happy Birthday op! mine too today and if dh hadnt heard my new boss firmly telling me (on zoom) to take the afternoon off, prompting me to book my fave restaurant we really wouldn't have done anything much. I felt disappointed and jittery getting out of the car in case it wasn't 'fun' enough so I'm not posting in a yay me kind of way I do get it. dh got me a mirror (frame arrived broken) and duvet as presents which I asked for. bought myself a new work bag and took myself away with mates last weekend. so op have a birthday season, get a sitter and go out this saturday maybe or whatever it takes to celebrate your day.

Oh no OP, I would be sad too. Let him see you cry - it's truly crap to do the equivalent of a Poundland sale for a spouse's 40th.

Happy Birthday OP!

Birthdays have become a bit of a hostile battleground in our marriage in recent years . They weren't a big deal in my family, but were in DH's so he always expects a ridiculous fuss made over him. However it ends up being mind games as he doesn't tell me what he'd like to do, but then sulks when he doesn't get what he deems his 'perfect' birthday. Last month he got hobby-related presents, a zoom-call tea & cake with family and I cooked his favourite meal BUT he was grumpy because at 8 am in the morning when he suddenly announced "I've taken a day's holiday and who wants to come shopping with we?" we all explained that sorry, (me and teenage DSs) actually had other commitments and plans which we couldn't just suddenly ditch...

Then when it's MY birthday he buys things like tickets for concerts HE wants to see, then when I say I'm not keen on XYZ suggests taking his mate!

Grrr...

@ProperVexed

Happy Birthday! I understand completely as my 50th was the same. No effort from DP at all and he is usually pretty good. I had said that I wanted a meal out with close friends, but as the day got closer and I realised that both DSs had other plans and DP had arranged a physio appointment for himself at 1900. I was gutted, we had a huge row in the morning when I expressed my disappointment. He tried to make amends during the day but my heart wasn't in it. The evening was spent eating takeout pizza ( I hate pizza) and helping DS with a difficult piece of college work that was due in the next day. I'm not over yet, three years later. On each of my subsequent birthdays I don't get involved, and just say that we don't celebrate my birthday. I always make a huge fuss of everyone else's birthdays though. Sorry to ramble, I hope you get over it and he steps up.

Blimey that sounds really awful, that must have been a hard day. I think its also a time of reflection (milestone birthdays) I sat most of the day wondering if I was just a mardy brat and trying to enjoy the day but I just couldn't get it together. It's also particularly galling that you make the effort for other peoples celebrations

I had my big 40 this year. Even worse than you...we are in a different country to close friends and family. asked for a zoom quiz night...he couldn't even get that organised. The night before he said he was having trouble with technology, I asked if he'd actually invited anyone yet...he said no. FFS. I had asked about 2 months previously, and told him who to talk to to help set it up. he just couldn't be arsed.
I got a box of chocolates.
I always go big for his big birthdays (he's older than me) ..I've learnt now, am not going to bother for him and will organise my own stuff, without him, for my birthdays. I was so hurt.

@ddl1

I would be mainly a little bit disappointed that your dh didn't know the size and fit of your coat! Is it exchangeable? I think it's not just men who need things spelled out to them; it's everyone. Because not everyone wants the same things. I absolutely hate to have 'big' or 'milestone' birthdays marked at all; my age is not something that I want to celebrate. For things that I do celebrate, I would probably prefer a meal out, more than gifts - but in some parts of the country, that is currently unsafe. I would like the sort of presents that you received, as I collect mugs, and would love a new coat (though only if it fit!) But you have to tell him what you want.

I think it was a rushed gift and he looked at an old coat I don't wear anymore (have lost a bit of weight) totally returnable. I am the same in that I wouldn't have wanted a big whoop (party/gifts all that jazz) but would have loved a meal out together or with the kids, haven't eaten out since well before the pandemic so would have been nice for change of scene

I forgot to say Happy Birthday

I had mine in lockdown I got nothing. I think you are quite lucky.