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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the decision to have children is a risk...

375 replies

GreenWoodpecker123456 · 29/09/2020 09:30

...because you can never be sure whether you'll enjoy being a parent, what kind of child you'll have etc.

I ws having this conversation with someone and they said it's no more of a risk than anything else in life like getting married or going into a particular career.

I don't agree, because having kids is the one thing in life that you truly can't reverse!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 29/09/2020 17:35

Personally I am just so glad I don't have the incontinence problems that it seems almost all women who have children have. To have to plan your day if you go out because of needing the loo so often would drive me mad. Also having to get up in the night. Once asleep I like staying that way until morning

I don’t have incontinence problems and neither does anyone I know well.

The getting up in the night lasted 9weeks for dd as a new born and 10 weeks for Ds.
For most people it isn’t for ever more.

Equally I never pushed anyone out of my vagina and only experienced one contraction.

Modern methods of painkilling is amazing.

Reading the vampire piece. It could be argued that not having children is a choice. The experience of some people to remain child free isn’t the same for everyone

sunshinerays · 29/09/2020 17:37

I totally agree and think it's very sad that people don't give it more thought than they do. People just 'have them' and don't at all think about the implications most of the time. I find it very strange but totally agree with you OP

Fluffalo · 29/09/2020 17:55

Personally I am just so glad I don't have the incontinence problems that it seems almost all women who have children have. To have to plan your day if you go out because of needing the loo so often would drive me mad. Also having to get up in the night. Once asleep I like staying that way until morning

I don't know anyone that has incontinence problems following birth, obviously some women do and not downplaying it, but it's by no means inevitable. I did have issues before falling pregnant and one of my friends who doesn't have a child also has incontinence issues. Some children sleep through from a young age, not saying it's all roses but if you think everyone walks around pissing themselves after being up all night that's rather odd.

UsedUpUsername · 29/09/2020 18:08

As a non dog person, dog ownership makes zero sense to me

I find this quite similar in ways. Some people have dogs or cats come into their lives (stray cat at the door) and fall absolutely in love with pet ownership though they never really considered it before.

I kind of feel this way about parenthood (my DC being unplanned and all)

Heffalooomia · 29/09/2020 18:09

The strong biological drive that all humans (and all sentient creatures) have to pursue their own interests is squashed. I have to put others' needs first
which explains why such lengths are taken to control limit and oppress women, to train them to accept a subservient role in society and suppress their natural urges to pursue their personal interests.

SecretSpAD · 29/09/2020 18:10

but the forum is for parents

No it's not.

unmarkedbythat · 29/09/2020 18:14

MN isn't just for parents.

And I think a thread about the realities of parenting and how that might not match up with expectations is very appropriate for a forum that is mostly used by parents!

SecretSpAD · 29/09/2020 18:14

Not anymore. It is a large forum that has many female users and probably a lot of them are non parents. Some men too. Just hearing from one section of society is very dull and leads to an echo chamber.

FTMF30 · 29/09/2020 18:21

@SecretSpAD But the website slogan is "by patents for parents". I'm not saying other people can't/shouldn't use the site, but it's intended for parents.

The risks of becoming a parent is a great conversation to be had. But having aload of people who have not experienced parenthood talk about it with such disdain on a site aimed at parents is a bit off in my opinion.

unmarkedbythat · 29/09/2020 18:30

Is it disdain? Really? Even if it is, I much prefer it to the old fashioned pretence that parenthood was pure joy and only an evil harpy would say otherwise.

Hardbackwriter · 29/09/2020 18:59

I normally think that the perspectives of people who aren't parents are some of the most valuable on threads on making the choice to have children or not - especially if the OP is weighing it up - but in this thread it's not so much a bit weird as pointless to have people who didn't want to do something talk about how baffling it is that anyone wants to do that thing.

Cadent · 29/09/2020 19:02

[quote FTMF30]@SecretSpAD I also think it's a strange thread. Not because of the OP but the amount of people who have commented who don't have kids professing how much they don't want them with comments of disdain about the thought of being a mother. That's a fair opinion, but the forum is for parents. So it is a bit strange.[/quote]
Oh God not thing again. Can you stop with the 'you can't sit with us' shit, it's tedious.

SecretSpAD · 29/09/2020 19:03

@FTMF30 it is not disdain. Do you not respect the views of people with different life experiences than you? Haven't you wondered why some people don't want children? Don't you think our views are worthy of inclusion because views of only parents count when having children?

Well I'm very sorry, but I can honestly say that the people I know who do not have children have given it a lot of thought. We have all considered whether we are making the right decision, have all discussed it at length with our partners, have actively looked into what it is like.

Now compare that to some people who just follow their hormones without consideration for the consequences of bringing a life into this world.

I have no disdain for parents. I have two adopted children. I also have no regrets about either my decision to not have children of my own and my decision to take on my niece and nephew when their mother died.

I do, however, have disdain for that small group of parents who fail to understand that girls need to have all the information, education and support to decide for themselves whether they want children. To have the strength and support to walk away from a relationship if they feel pressured to make a choice they do not want to make and not to feel like a second rate human being if they decide to stay childfree. I want girls who decide to have children to knkw that there is nothing wrong with them if it isn't all like an Instagram story, to admit they made a mistake and get the support they need to cope.

If that happens then we'll have happier mothers and happier children.

But then, I guess to some my opinion doesn't count because I have not given birth.

Readandwalk · 29/09/2020 19:07

I'm childfree by choice. I just couldn't risk the inherited mental illnesses that all male members of my family have. No way.

FTMF30 · 29/09/2020 19:18

@SecretSpAD I think you're taking my comment pretty personally. I'm not saying your opinion doesn't count. My point was that quite a few comments have had tones of disdain (e.g. implying those who say how wonderful, positively life changing, etc. having a child is must be lying because surely it must be disastrously shit). My opinion isn't aimed at your post in particular. Like I said, the risks of what come with having a child SHOULD be discussed, but there's plenty commenting who don't have the lived experience giving a very skewed perspective (e.g. that it must be shit, you will suffer incontinence, etc).

@Cadent Not going to argue with you if you won't bother to read and comprehend my pp's properly.

DownThePlath · 29/09/2020 19:19

Haha, totally agree with @Cadent. Bore off with the argument that only parents can use this forum. We know it's called mumsnet. Funnily enough, there are loads of other topics that don't involve parenting. I don't have many friends, and this site is a great source of comfort to me.

FTMF30 · 29/09/2020 19:21

@DownThePlath It's plain to see why you don't have many friends. Show me where I said only parents can use the forum.

Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone · 29/09/2020 19:22

Absolutely that is the one reason i haven't had any yet. and what if the child had really severe needs had an accident and I had 50 years of caring to do (could be really life limiting for the carer too). Really seems like too much of a risk for me. A dog on the other hand you only really get 10 years and if it gets really sick it gets put down. That is much less of a risk.

lynsey91 · 29/09/2020 19:24

Most of the women I know who have children go to the loo very frequently. Certainly far far more often than I do.

My reference to getting up in the night was, again, about going to the loo. Unless I am ill I never get up in the night.

There were endless posts on here from women saying they can't go out for the day because public toilets are closed. Also I have seen loads of posts saying they can't do more than about a 2 hour drive because of needing the loo.

I realise there could be other reasons for it, but it does seem that having children makes your bladder weaker.

Needing the loo after every drink and countless times a day is not normal.

SecretSpAD · 29/09/2020 19:25

@FTMF30 but those who say that - it's shit, don't want to ruin their body etc - that's their reasons for not having children. Their reasons are valid and not for you to judge them on.

And the gushing "it's so wonderful/unconditional love/world in technicolour" stuff, well, it's patronising and smug.

Cadent · 29/09/2020 19:31

But the website slogan is "by patents for parents". I'm not saying other people can't/shouldn't use the site, but it's intended for parents.

@FTMF30 But it's not just for parents, and people like you have been repeatedly told to stop with this guff but you don't. Give it a rest.

FTMF30 · 29/09/2020 19:32

@SecretSpAD Why is it patronising or smug to express joy?

BewilderedDoughnut · 29/09/2020 19:34

I’d rather get my minge flaps caught up in a whisk than be responsible for a child. I can just about cope with my cats needs!

SecretSpAD · 29/09/2020 19:35

@FTMF30 seriously? If you need to ask that then you'll never understand my dear.

FutureProofed · 29/09/2020 19:36

[quote FTMF30]@SecretSpAD Why is it patronising or smug to express joy?[/quote]
One might ask you why it’s inappropriate to express ‘disdain’ towards the idea of parenthood? Are only glowy, positive emotions permitted?