Asking for a substantial amount of money

[mabelandivy]

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

Fuck no. Cheeky Cow should get a mortgage or lower her expectations

Absolutely not, it's a hard NO from me. If she can is getting a settlement big enough to even consider a 5 bedroom house, she can pull her head out of her arse, look at something smaller (5 bed for 2 people - WTAF!?) and buy it outright.

"sorry, we're not in a position to loan you money at the moment, I'm sure you understand". Rinse and repeat.

Or, you know, get a job and a mortgage, like others do.

YANBU she’s being a CF. Does she work? Can’t she save up more money and / or buy a property that is in budget like the rest of us do?! I would just say no and wouldn’t get drawn into justifying yourselves

Another question would be that if there's a shortfall of almost £50k, where is she planning to get the other £20-30k that she's not asking for from you?

Does she have savings? Is she asking someone else too?

Good point about furnishings and running costs. If she doesn't work, her income is going to be benefits and maintenance, so she needs to make sure she can cover her bills so it would make sense to look at a smaller property. Although if she's got eyes on a 5 bed house and thinks nothing of tapping up her DB for £30k, I wouldn't also be surprised if she has little experience of managing finances or paying bills and hasn't thought it all through very well.

sorry, we're not in a position to loan you money at the moment, I'm sure you understand". Rinse and repeat

The OPs financial position isn't really relevant here. No matter how much money they have, outside being millionaires, it's not their responsibility to fund the aspirational lifestyle of a cheeky fucker.

YANBU. It is a large amount and in these times I wouldn’t consider lending that sort of money for an extravagant house purchase. Help out to put food on the table yes ... but to buy a house out of range ... no.

Don't do it!!!

I commented on a similar thread earlier this year and took the wording of a reply suggested then and changed it for you:

I totally understand that the house purchase is important to you. You’re asking for a significant sum of money, first £30k and now £25k. I want to be clear so that you can understand my situation. The small amount we have in savings is our emergency fund. We’ve seen how much the current situation has impacted on friends and so see how important having that safety net is for my family should something happen (such as redundancy or falling ill, we’re not immune to either happening to us). On this occasion I cannot give not lend you money. Thanks, Mr @mabelandivy

Hope that helps.

You would be fools to give her that money.
And it would be give. I'd be amazed if you ever saw a penny of it

Did you husband even ask how she planned to repay it?

Here’s the other thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3957264-WIBU-to-say-no-to-bailing-BIL-out

I think she'd have to declare any loan in the divorce proceedings anyway and it could just mean her getting less of the proceeds of the family house in the end. Besides, as PP have said, it's a nightmare lending within a family.

She needs to find a smaller house within her budget. Like we all do. And you are right, if she isn't working, you won't get any money back.

What the fuck, she wants a FIVE bedroom house for herself and one child? And has made an offer without the means to pay for it herself?

That's some gold standard cheeky fuckery right there. Tell her NO, that is fucking ridiculous.

Recipe for disaster is right.

SIL needs to live within her means.

@BoyTree exactly! Does OP live in a 5 bedroom house?

Whops just noticed she doesn’t work. If she wants more money then she should get a job. As others have said your lifestyle often does often have to change when you divorce

You need to very firmly say no.

Given that you’ve been asked twice now I don’t think it would be unreasonable to voice

‘Sorry SIL we can’t afford to lend large amounts of money right now, DH is already having to make redundancies. As it’s just you and DS we think you should consider a 2/3 bedroom property better suited to your budget. We don’t want you to take on too much given the difficult job market you’ll be competing in post Covid’

It would been a flat no from me with no negotiation. SIL needs to live within her means. A smaller cheaper property would be perfectly adequate.

Don't lend her the money - you cannot afford it. Do not get drawn into a conversation about what house she could or should be buying, and don't be tempted to say 'we'd love to help if we could'.

Just no. Explain in the current circumstances everyone’s future is uncertain and you are not in a position to help .

Mortgage rates are very low so she can get a loan

Anyone that cheeky would have zero qualms about not paying you back cos you're so rich an' all and she's just a poor full time mummy.

If you lend her the money, there's every chance you'll never see it again. If your DH's business is on the rocks, there's every chance you'll need that money soon.

I mean, I don't know the rest of your financial situation, but imagine if it did go pear-shaped: her in her 5 bed and your family selling up and downsizing because you can't get your savings back ...

Who in their right mind would even consider this request !!!

It depends if there's a realistic prospect of her being able to pay you back quickly. If it's just a cash flow issue, it's not such a big deal.

We loaned an amount a lot bigger than that to DH's brother so he could exchange on a house he loved. He had a buyer for his flat but they were dithering over completion and it looked like he might lose the house. We had a contract with a repayment date and interest payable and had the money back within four months.

If she's planning to keep your money for years/not pay interest, I'd tell her to jog on.

Don't do it!!
My father asked to borrow money off me.
We could afford it, so we did. He paid it back as agreed. He then asked for more.
Lulled into a false sense of security, we provided more.
This time he didn't pay it back.
Unbeknown to me, he was also borrowing off my sister.
It all ended up a bloody mess and it took 8 years to get our money back.

Just say no!!

She could have asked you about a huge loan BEFORE househunting outside her price bracket. Now she's trying to make YOU pay for her irresponsible deal.

  I would refuse to lend to her on the grounds that she's shown you how  so greedy,  reckless and feckless  she is with other peoples money .   She can't be trusted. 

 If she can't afford  the price of   a 5 bed house , then she won't be able to afford  the ongoing costs of a large home ;   higher CT, fuel bills, maintenance.  Don't let her put her head in that noose,  or she'll be cadging   DH for pity payments for the rest of your lives.

 The responsible thing for her brother to do, is refuse the loan  so  she has to pull out of an unaffordable house purchase and make a more sensible choice.   Smaller, cheaper.   As a single mother and parent she  has to take responsibility for herself  and  learn to live within her means.