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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
Foundation · 01/10/2020 19:20

I earn decent money and I wouldn’t dream of buying - or needing - a five bedroom house for me and my DS. Three bedrooms is fine, one each plus a spare for visiting relatives. Good grief!

ItalianHat · 01/10/2020 20:28

I often find these things are solved by offering the cash...for a proportionate share on the house, with a legal agreement drawn up at their expense.

I think that’s called a mortgage Grin. It’s what I was thinking the OP and her DH should do. Hold a second mortgage on the SiL’s house. As you say, it puts people off

SurroundedByIdiotsEverywhere · 02/10/2020 00:28

She is a cheeky bugger... Tell her to downsize to her budget!

Zyzxyz · 02/10/2020 02:35

Teddy bear,
You are right.Just figure it should come naturally like her saying, once you helped me out of a bad situation, here's your money back. I guess that some people don't have that natural inclination.

Zyzxyz · 02/10/2020 02:38

What does yanbu and yabu and OP mean? Some of your abbreviations make me scratch my head?

Petlover9 · 02/10/2020 04:51

@Zyzxyz. I think it is as follows:
YANBU - you are not being unreasonable
YABU. you are being unreasonable
OP Original poster
Some things still baffle me

AltoCation · 02/10/2020 08:12

@ItalianHat

I often find these things are solved by offering the cash...for a proportionate share on the house, with a legal agreement drawn up at their expense.

I think that’s called a mortgage Grin. It’s what I was thinking the OP and her DH should do. Hold a second mortgage on the SiL’s house. As you say, it puts people off

Not to mention the Mortgage provider would not provide a loan with any such arrangement in place.

Just Say No and don’t cause unnecessary waste of time and emotional energy with such passive aggressive charades.

MoonJelly · 02/10/2020 09:09

@riceuten

I often find these things are solved by offering the cash...for a proportionate share on the house, with a legal agreement drawn up at their expense. Usually these things are enough to put people off.
For that to be worth doing OP and her husband would have to be prepared to take action to have the house repossessed and sold if the loan wasn't repaid. And that's a difficult thing to do to a relative.
Hillary4 · 02/10/2020 10:13

I was "instructed" by my ex to "lend" one of my sons £15,000 for a house with his new partner (four months and pregnant already), he has two kids from his ex wife
Long story short, l didn't, he borrowed it off my other son, and topped up with another £10,000 for must haves, and hasn't paid any back, and never will - "take me to court" he was told
Now no longer with new partner and has two more kids to pretend to support
If you lend it could split the family, if you don't it could split the family, so do what you feel is right weighing up all facts, and don't be pressured into anything

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/10/2020 11:16

Just Say No and don’t cause unnecessary waste of time and emotional energy with such passive aggressive charades.

I don't think it is PA at all. It might be PA if she always usually took responsibility for herself but had had a period of sickness, lost wages and genuinely needed to borrow £5K (that she would repay ASAP) to get back on an even keel with running her normal-sized family home. Passive Aggressive normally refers to people initiating something unkind to make a point, not to somebody's perfectly reasonable response in declining to help a princess buy her fantasy castle and lots of spiffing personal treats to boot.

Nobody thinks it would ever get that far, but the SIL has clearly never properly learned about the responsibilities that go with earning/borrowing/using money, and I think the shock and lesson in reality would do her a lot of good. It sounds like she needs things explaining to her in very simple terms.

At the moment, she sounds like a 10yo who's discovered that it's immense fun to kick his football hard through every window in the house and hear the loud smash, but as far as he's concerned, paying to replace expensive broken windows is a 'mum and dad thing', so for him, it's pure consequence-free joy.

Mittens030869 · 02/10/2020 13:17

No, you really shouldn’t lend any money. I made that mistake when my ex best friend said she needed a large sum of money to pay off her mortgage. She was supposedly going to sell her flat and pay my DH and me back with the proceeds. She had two properties, so I had no reason to think that this wasn’t the case.

It turned out that her debts exceeded the value of her two properties (she was a shopaholic). She declared herself bankrupt and we never got our money back.

I’m not saying that your SIL is necessarily lying, but I really wouldn’t lend money in this instance.

fahrt · 02/10/2020 13:57

How did it go OP?

DasPepe · 02/10/2020 16:57

I’d like to add to previous posters, especially that about the recession. The financial fallout from the lockdown Has Not Started yet. It was mitigated by the furlough scheme, mortgage holiday etc Hold on to every penny

Zyzxyz · 02/10/2020 20:19

Petlover, Thank you so much the clarification. It makes more sense to me now.

Zyzxyz · 02/10/2020 20:28

Not that I have any money to loan but in the past, I would always cut whatever they would ask to borrow by a third. That way I considered it a gift and never expected it back. I only regret the loans where people turn out to be douche bags otherwise, it doesn't grate on me.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/10/2020 01:20

@Zyzxyz and @Petlover9 - knock yourself out with the entire list of acronyms here www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms :)

Zyzxyz · 03/10/2020 07:44

ThumbWitchesAbroad, Thank you so much. I then noticed your name and it made me Lol.

Guavaf1sh · 03/10/2020 08:30

Never lend money to family or friends unless you don’t mind potentially never seeing it ever again

mummysherlock · 03/10/2020 10:56

So she wants you to lend her 50k so she can buy outright a 5 bed house for just her and DS when a 3 bed or even 2 bed would be perfectly sufficient, she doesn’t work so you will be unlikely to see a penny of it paid back?

Pandemic or no pandemic, and regardless of my own financial situation it would be a big fat no from me. Sounds like she needs to learn to live within her means, and get a job.

syskywalker · 03/10/2020 12:56

She’s a major CF. Just say no!

LampGenie · 03/10/2020 13:38

I am beginning to think this thread isn’t real. The OP disappeared a week ago and no, she isn’t bound to give updates but considering the vast investment and advice given on the thread you’d think she would stick around. Instead it’s like she threw it out there and is now just watching to see how annoyed people can get on her behalf.

Wallywobbles · 03/10/2020 14:23

I wouldn't trust anyone other than myself to put her straight.

A simple explanation that you are working extra hours because financially things are not great so loan impossible and please never ask again.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 03/10/2020 16:34

Do NOT give her any money. If she doesnt repay the loan and you end up struggling for money you will always resent her

fatchilli123 · 04/10/2020 09:45

Tell her you need to borrow 70 thousand from the bank then, to cover her and your requirements so she needs to put her house ONLY on it as guarantor with the bank cheaky mare
TELL HER TO BOG OFF

Jux · 04/10/2020 17:01

@mabelandivy

I am going to instruct DH to contact her tonight with a max loan offer of 5k, which I think is reasonable in the current circumstances. No more than this. I've just seen on FB that she dining out (again) following a weekend at the spa. No way am I sitting her working myself silly to pay for all of that!
Frankly I don''t think you should be lending any money (certainly not giving). Your own situation is uncertain atm.

She needs to learn to cut her coat according to her cloth.

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