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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for a substantial amount of money

507 replies

mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 09:05

SIL is going through a divorce, their house has just sold and she's put an offer on a new one. Problem is the divorce settlement she is getting, share of sell of house money doesn't cover the new property with a shortfall of almost £50k. DH has been asked whether we can help out and she's requesting a loan of 30k from us. DH went back and said that was too much due to our financial situation currently and the next request was £25k. AIBU to think this is a huge amount of money to be asking for? We do have savings that would help, but we've have put off doing things around the house due to cash flow and DH's company being in a difficult position currently due to Covid - he is making lots of redundancies and we're not sure if the business is going to survive. The house the offer has been made on is lovely, but is huge - 5 bedrooms when it's just SIL and DS - and there are other nice (smaller) properties on the market in the same area for considerably less. I am happy to help, but I think a 6 figure sum request is a lot of money and also a cheeky big ask. I should also say that I can't see how this money will be paid back when SIL also doesn't work.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 29/09/2020 11:04

You said yourself that cash flow is currently difficult due to Covid, and that you have put off doing things to your own house… Why would you then give that money to SIL? It’s like you are going without in order to fund her extravagant wishes. I would not lend anything, under any circumstances whatsoever. I wouldn’t even lend her money with a payment plan legally set up: if she started missing payments, would your DH really feel comfortable taking her to court? Doubtful. My sister moved from a six bed house into a two bed house after her divorce: I’m sure she would have loved a five bed, but she couldn’t afford it! It never occurred to her to start tapping up her family for money.

Sewrainbow · 29/09/2020 11:06

Given your own financial position it would be a flat out no from me...

threecee · 29/09/2020 11:06

Im betting she thought your husband would say" don't bother to pay it back Sis,, have it as a Christmas present !"

unmarkedbythat · 29/09/2020 11:07

I would treat this request as a joke.

Nanny0gg · 29/09/2020 11:08

Why is even the thought of it being indulged?

Why has no one told her to be realistic?

Original poster
mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 11:09

@BoyTree

Are you living in a 5 bedroom house?
Yes, I suppose I needed to vent! No, we aren't living in a 5 bed house!
OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 29/09/2020 11:10

She shouldn’t have put an offer in on a house she cannot afford.
Besides, the mortgage would not get approved if she had £30k loan covering her deposit. Your DH would have to sign a legal document stating the money is a gift.
SIL needs to live within her means.

unmarkedbythat · 29/09/2020 11:10

… not sure why I hit post!

Honestly, I'd laugh at this. And if she didn't see why I would ask her to explain to me in very simple sentences why she thought it was a reasonable request. She needs to buy a home she can afford: if with a £50k top up she can buy a 5 bedroom house (!!) in her preferred area, she will have no problems buying a smaller one without needing to freeload from relatives. If she wants an excessively large house she can get a job and mortgage.

TheYeaSayer · 29/09/2020 11:11
  1. You know already that’s there’s not a hope in hell of her repaying you if you do lend her money.
  2. You can’t afford it
  3. She doesn’t need, nor can she afford that house.

Just say no. Full stop. Don’t give her a penny.

RB68 · 29/09/2020 11:16

Just no. She will tie the money to the house saying if she sells you get back as she has no means to repay. I think you need to step back and just say that you don't have the money to tie up - quote the current economic state and the issues happening in DHs business at the moment and maybe have a discussion about what monthly repayments would be as for such a large amount it would HAVE to be a formal agreement and she can't pay that back. She needs to have a wake up call regarding what she can afford - with no income how is she even going to pay council tax never mind bills etc. She needs to be far more realistic in what she is buying and also what bills she can afford on a monthly basis

TheOrigBrave · 29/09/2020 11:16

Did your SIL's problem with money contribute towards the divorce I wonder.
So much wrong:
Thinking she needs a 5 bed house.
Not having enough £ to buy it.
Asking family to lend it to her.
Not having any means to repay it.

Has your DH explaining to you why he would even consider 'lending' it to her?

Original poster
mabelandivy · 29/09/2020 11:19

Thank you everybody! I think I have my answer. Our savings are a safety net for us - DH is worried about the state of the business at the moment. If we have another lockdown, we don't think it will survive. We also have a DC to consider as well. This is going to be a difficult conversation for DH to have as he's very much of helping family out, but I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made. I was incredibly angry at the weekend when I was told - this came after giving up my weekend and working additional shifts! Thanks again everybody.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 29/09/2020 11:21

Genuine question... why is it a difficult conversation for your husband? Why is it hard for him to say no to giving money for a 5 bedroom house?

notalwaysalondoner · 29/09/2020 11:22

This is ludicrous! I’d say even if it was to get a one bedroom for her and DS to think very very carefully about lending anyone that much money and to get serious legal agreements in place, but for a 5 bedroom she’s a CF! She should find somewhere she can actually afford like the rest of us do!!

TwoBlueFish · 29/09/2020 11:23

She needs to learn to live within her means.

iluvgab · 29/09/2020 11:23

but I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made

You do not see to see a plan of how repayments are going to be made. There is going to be no loan given so therefore no repayments. Full stop.
Absolutely no way.

Cocomarine · 29/09/2020 11:24

@iluvgab

but I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made

You do not see to see a plan of how repayments are going to be made. There is going to be no loan given so therefore no repayments. Full stop.
Absolutely no way.

Tbh, I might string it out long enough to hear about the repayment plan, just cos I’d be curious to know what her plans were!
Disfordarkchocolate · 29/09/2020 11:25

The sort of help people need in this situation is emotional and practical ie helping on moving day or with packing. It's not helping when you enable someone to live outside their means, in the long term its very harmful.

Billben · 29/09/2020 11:26

Please don’t let your DH talk you into going ahead with this mad request. However much he is into helping family out, his DSis is an entitled cheeky fucker.

FlitterMouse · 29/09/2020 11:26

It shouldnt be difficult to say no. She is your dh brothers ex wife. Has she asked her own family.for money. Are you going to continue a close relationship with her.

LindaEllen · 29/09/2020 11:27

It sounds to me like she expects the same standard of living as before the divorce .. but that's not how it works. If a couple split up and have to buy two houses for the price of one, they're going to be smaller. As there's only two of them, 5 bedrooms is ridiculous, and I'd never have the cheek to as to borrow from family for that.

Bikingbear · 29/09/2020 11:29

I almost think he should treat it as a joke, does she want it in monopoly money or chocolate coinsGrin

But bottom line, no she should never have asked and no you should not do it.
If she can't raise the cash via a mortgage then she can't afford the house and all the associated costs that go with it, council tax, heating and even silly things like curtains are £££ for a large house.

billy1966 · 29/09/2020 11:30

This is sk basic and ridiculous, it's hard to imagine a response more than a laugh.

She's pouring every penny into a house larger than she needs and is asking her brother for a gift of 25,000+.

You of course would never see the money again.

And you are away from your child at the weekend to work extra shifts...

And it's a hard conversation for your husband.

How is able to run a business if this is a hard conversation.

Ye both need to man up and kill this dead.

SIL is living in cloud cookoo land.

Flowers
CharityDingle · 29/09/2020 11:30

@iluvgab

but I have categorically said that any offer is made with my agreement and I would like to see a plan of how the repayments are going to be made

You do not see to see a plan of how repayments are going to be made. There is going to be no loan given so therefore no repayments. Full stop.
Absolutely no way.

Exactly. Flat no. It's not a runner.
sugarlost · 29/09/2020 11:31

Hi OP,

Even if you see a repayment plan it may not happen. You have to think if you loan this money you may not get it back and it may end up in Court. This is the risk.

I think your SIL should look for something she can afford and you should not be made to feel guilty.

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