To accept that I’ll never make any new friends now I’m in my forties?

[99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne]

I’ll get right to the point; as juvenile as it sounds, a few years ago I lost all of my friendship circle in just one, fateful evening. There was nothing outrageous or monstrous, I just dared to stand up to the Queen Bee about her own behaviour. I was excommunicated. I can only suspect lots of truths have been twisted and lies have been told as it’s no exaggeration to say I’m now a social pariah. I’d known and supported these women through thick and thin for almost two decades and stupidly put all of my eggs in one basket as through a combination of circumstances (e.g constantly moved, didn’t go to uni etc.) I have literally no other friends. These women were it.
I’m happily married with wonderful kids and I’ve tried to be content with my lot but I’m just so desperately lonely and sad for what I’ll never have again.

It's never too late to make new friends. My mum is in her seventies and has friends she has made in the last five years! Could you get involved in something in the community, or at school perhaps?

That’s shit, I’m sorry but I’m 47 & I made a whole bunch of new friends a few years ago through feminist campaigning. So don’t give up yet.

I made some new friends by joining a book club.

Totally agree with Blackberry, I am over 60 and have made new friends in the past year and my DM is (very) late 80s and continues to make friends ... the key surely is to get out and do something - what is your passion? I like volunteering and have made many like minded friends through that. My DM goes to Yoga and has made new friends, she also volunteers (appreciate it's not so easy now) and has met a nice circle of friends.

Only if you're resigned to it. Join hobby groups, church, gym classes, volunteer. I make random friends all the time and I'm not outgoing or the 'life of the party' at all.

Losing such shallow friends could be a blessing in disguise!

I have more friends now (60s) than at any other stage in my life.

I joined a book group and made friends. I also looked up my local Woman's Institute and found out the average age ( some groups do have a younger vibe). There hasn't been meetings because of covid , but I've made a fair few friends through that and you don't have to be a cake maker / jam maker and we don't sing Jerusalem either !

Nope. I’ve made an amazing set of friends doing a shared hobby (crochet) - I’m the youngest at 42.

I’ve also become great friends with 2 school mums in the last year.

I think most of the friends I have now I’ve made since I turned 40. One was from work, one NCT and a couple that are school mums. I wouldn’t say I have millions but then life is pretty busy. I’ve joined a gym and there’s a lady there I chat to and I will hope to get to know her better...I’ve also just joined a book club so we’ll see what happens there. I also make friends in other countries and write to them so they’re not always on my doorstep. Keep an open mind and get out there.

You can make new friends if you want. It starts with a single word, “hello”.
Start a new hobby, or explore an existing one. It’ll only happen if you want it too.

I have a gang. I found them at 40/41. They are so on the same page as me. They are brave, hilarious, kind, supportive and they have my back. If two of us fell out (never gonna happen) no way in hell the rest of us would excommunicate one. You have lost nothing. They lose daily by not having you in their lives and generally being mean old arseholes.

Never lose faith. My gang would take another member any day of the week. My gang is round every corner and waiting to welcome you to the fold.

Totally do-able! Get out, join stuff, volunteer, new hobby/club, etc. I've made lots of new friends in my 40's.

I’m not exactly in the same position as you OP, I’m fortunate that I’ve got a wide range of friends, but I’ve recently stood up to one close friend and that is the end of that. I’d tolerated her very manipulative, nasty behaviour for too long and I snapped. I think she probably has some sort of narcissistic disorder and because she’s charming in other ways, I’d put up with it. So now there’s a hole where she was. I’m glad, but I completely understand about the need to fill the vacancy. I’m chatting to all my other friends more and, importantly, the ones she disapproved of and was horrid about. I think you just have to put yourself out there, just like dating! Don’t give up!

It's never too late op, my mum made a new best friend at 90!

Occasionally I feel like I never will either but I know it's absolutely possible - and comes down to your attitude more than anything, not age.

My mum is one of those people who will speak to anyone and she has always made friends easily. She's now in her 70s and she has friends she's known since she was 5 and friends she only got to know a few months ago. She just starts talking to people wherever she goes - walking the dog, attending groups or even in a shop.

I’m 48 and have made most of my friends in the last 8 years. Some through work, the allotment, or friends of friends. What I would say, and I say this as an until recently long term “childless spinster” (!) is 1) don’t expect close friendships to happen over night - best to happen organically, and 2) don’t expect these friendships to be the same as when you were younger, all in and out of each other’s houses etc. As people get older they have different priorities - I learnt the hard way as the aforementioned childless spinster and all my mates started getting married and having kids, but it’s still really possible to have strong, sincere friendships, just in a different way.

It does also happen to blokes too - my new fella lost a lot of his “couples” friends when he got divorced, so now I’m introducing him to my mates and their partners. It’s all about who you meet - a girl at work (who I rarely see anymore) introduced me to a single girl who I now climb with weekly, as welll as go on cycling and walking holidays.

Sometimes it’s not who you meet - it’s someone who you meet who introduces you to someone who are the key.

OP I'm in a similar position to you. Stood up to a group of people and overnight lost most of my friends. Though I do have four left they've all had babies at the same time so it's difficult to see them.

I don't think it's as easy to make friends as some of the posters male it sound. Reason being because people are too flaky. They'll cancel last minute or want to meet up once a year.

It's all BS so I end up tagging along with my DH and his friends or just my DH.

Wish you well and hope you find some, I've given up

It’s never too late to make new friends! All the usual things: a hobby, volunteering, chatting to other mothers you like from school.

Do you have anything you’ve always wanted to try? Pottery or something? You could start an evening class.

I make new friends throughout my life depending on a new interest.

Be friendly and chatty and open to it, and it will happen.

I joined a choir two years ago and made a pile of friends. I've started volunteering and made one new friend from that. I made new friends when I moved to this area just by being smiley and friendly with everyone I met. It's hard and you have to work at it, but it's totally doable.

I’m 44 and I’ve made loads of friends in last few years!

I get you as I am in my mid forties but never say never ,one of my good friends I talk to most often I only met through work a couple of years ago which has really bloosomed in the last few months and we don't even work for the same company any more so hang in there

Thank you for all of your replies. There’s most definitely a massive, gaping hole. For anyone else that’s been through similar, it’s honestly a period of grief. I’ve lost very close family members so I don’t say that flippantly. I’m practically a recluse these days (lockdown was a doddle in that respect) and I’m only just coming out the other side, hence the post.

@SummerHouse

I have a gang. I found them at 40/41. They are so on the same page as me. They are brave, hilarious, kind, supportive and they have my back. If two of us fell out (never gonna happen) no way in hell the rest of us would excommunicate one. You have lost nothing. They lose daily by not having you in their lives and generally being mean old arseholes.

Never lose faith. My gang would take another member any day of the week. My gang is round every corner and waiting to welcome you to the fold.

What a lovely message SUMMERHOUSE Thank you

I think the best thing is just to go and do things that interest you. You will then naturally meet people who share some things in common with you. Just go along to things, even if you don’t know anyone else who wants to do them. You just have to be brave enough to go the first time.
I’ve always done this, and always end up meeting nice people and I would definitely call myself an introvert.

I agree its never too late to make new friends. I'm 56 and some of the people I've spent most time with in the past year have only been friends of mine in the last 8 years. They are different to some of my old friends - more kooky and individual, but also very very supportive.

I'm sure that's a horrible hole that's been left - but always be open to a giving a warm smile and some chit chat with new people (and maybe even other people from your old crowd who might also tire of Queen Bee.).