To accept that I’ll never make any new friends now I’m in my forties?

[99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne]

I’ll get right to the point; as juvenile as it sounds, a few years ago I lost all of my friendship circle in just one, fateful evening. There was nothing outrageous or monstrous, I just dared to stand up to the Queen Bee about her own behaviour. I was excommunicated. I can only suspect lots of truths have been twisted and lies have been told as it’s no exaggeration to say I’m now a social pariah. I’d known and supported these women through thick and thin for almost two decades and stupidly put all of my eggs in one basket as through a combination of circumstances (e.g constantly moved, didn’t go to uni etc.) I have literally no other friends. These women were it.
I’m happily married with wonderful kids and I’ve tried to be content with my lot but I’m just so desperately lonely and sad for what I’ll never have again.

I find that quite often people say they can’t make/ meet new friends but they don’t actually TRY hard to do so! When I got divorced 2 years ago I made it a top priority to meet some other single parents in the same boat. I mean I went all out. Joined a million groups, Bumble, Messaged randomers on Insta / Mumsnet that seemed nice etc etc. I met a lot of people I didn’t particularly get on with - and about 5-6 that I am now fairly good friends with and more that are periphery friends. You have to work hard (at first) to make brand new friends!

A comment by wigglerose reminded me of a network called meetup for people looking for others with interests in common. The interest groups covered a wide range of subjects. I used to get regular updates of activities and events while I was signed up. Don't know if it's still going, with the pandemic disruption and restrictions.

Also there's a neighbourhood network called Scooploop. It's very local and I would use it for things like selling or buying adverts or tradesmen and services but others would want to get to know people in their area and there is potential there for making friends locally.

In my neighbourhood when the virus struck, people set up a very localised private online group and several people got to know each other from chatting online and made friends they would otherwise never have met - including women aged 50ish. You could start a local group of your own, reflecting your interests.

I agree Fallow, I have moved a lot, to very different parts of the country for work reasons (my DH's job, not mine), and I just have to make the effort to make friends, I just join groups, get involved in the community, offer to help etc etc. And some people are so dismissive, so what if your local WI is 'Jam and Jerusalem', there will probably be at least one other person you can gel with, you don't have to make 'best friends' immediately. Many people seem to only want to be friends with clones of themselves.

I have friends of all ages - from all walks of life.

Even when we rented just temporarily for three months I was able to find some like minded people in the neighbourhood... and I don't use any form of SM (apart from Mumsnet).

I also agree with @Fallowdeerhunter. Some places and life circumstances are harder or easier (e.g. freshers week, at least everyone else is in the same boat), but there is usually an element of going to lots of places, feeling awkward, talking to lots of strangers, trying new activities. Most of those contacts come to nothing, 5% end up starting your new social group. It takes confidence to put yourself out there, which can be very hard to come by if you're already feeling lonely and rejected.

God no. I make friends all the time and I'm 52. But then again I'm overfriendly so they have no choice

Get yourself out and about doing stuff.

Do you work? Any possibility of friendships there?

Maybe start a new hobby or join a local volunteer group.

I think that you can make friends any age but I also feel like it is a big more difficult when older since many have established friendship groups.

Good luck @99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne you are better off without them.

Sympathies, OP - the falling out sounds shit. I'm 48 and tbh I haven't had a circle of friends since university. And no group of specifically female friends since school. My friends are individual, separate friends made at different times, scattered across the country and none local to me. I do have a couple of local friends. We walk our dogs together and I like them, but we don't have much in common and will never be bosom-buddies. I'd love to have a little group of nearby, like-minded friends, but it's never happened.

Lots of people have mentioned joining a book club. But where do yoI actually find one to join? And same kind of goes for other hobbies - crochet or whatever. Where do you actually find these relaxed social groups where people might make friends? In my experience, official evening classes in colleges tend to be quite formal with no one really into socialising after (but maybe that’s just me).

@HaggisTheGreat

Lots of people have mentioned joining a book club. But where do yoI actually find one to join? And same kind of goes for other hobbies - crochet or whatever. Where do you actually find these relaxed social groups where people might make friends? In my experience, official evening classes in colleges tend to be quite formal with no one really into socialising after (but maybe that’s just me).

I founder my crochet group on a social media site - there are loads in libraries etc. Or start one!

I started mine - we are 9 and have been meeting for a year and have weekly meetings and a very lively WhatsApp group (well, three actually). They are real friends.

There are specific websites for book groups but try Nextdoor to see what’s in your local area.

And we definitely socialise - it’s informal and we gossip, share experiences and ask advice whilst drinking tea and coffee and eating biscuits and crocheting and knitting. It’s not a class - more of a stitch and bitch.

I joined a community women’s choir in my mid 40s. I found my tribe! I now have a fantastic group of friends ages from 30s to 70s. We meet for coffees and drinks in the week too. It’s been a lifeline during lockdown too. We chat on zoom at least weekly.

Other friends of mine joined community orchestra, writing groups, sewing groups, dancing classes, hospital radio. Lots of things to try that might interest you and help you meet new people.

Go on @99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne forget the old friends. There are loads of people out there looking to make new friends in their 40s - and older.

As practically everyone else has said, it's entirely possible to make friends at any stage of life. But you have to be open to the possibility, not have the attitude that it's all over and you aren't going to bother any more.

I've just started a postgrad course with lots of people of all different ages, I might not make any lasting friendships but it's a whole lot of like-minded people to have a coffee and a chat with.

@99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne that's so hard. I think so many of us can relate to having felt lonely at different times in our lives.

I think as you get older, it's a bit like new relationships, you just don't have to faff around. It may not be a group that fills that hole, but it is possible to meet wonderful people you have so much in common with, often more than people who you met when you were young.

I have met 95% of my closest friends in the last 5 years, almost like picking them up in random places! A parent group I joined, my allotment, a family type of rambling event on the coast I never thought I'd go to (only one I've managed!), a friend of a friend who asked me to chat with someone who was new to the area with dc, and one through a new friend of dd's at secondary (her Mum). Five incredibly close friendships where we really support one another. They don't know one another so it's not that group, but five lovely dear friends who've made the last five years so special. I believe that can happen for you too!

It won't always feel easy, and you may try a few things before you click with anyone, but it sounds like you have some lovely things to offer as a friend too and they'd be lucky to have you in their lives. Chin up, it will get better.

I tried joining a choir. I quite liked it, but it definitely wasn't a source of a friendship group. I'm late 40s and I reckon the average age was about 75. Don't get me wrong- there were some lovely people there and I enjoyed chatting to them, but it was more like hanging out with my parents than with potential mates!

Of course the choice of activity may determine to some extent the age of those you meet.
Joining a beach boot camp class will possibly enable you to meet younger people than a choir.
I have met new friends of all ages through gym/yoga/exercse classes.

I think it doesn't help that I live in an area with quite a high age demographic! And the fact that my main hobbies are knitting and crochet. Yes, maybe exercise classes are the way forward...

2018 so sorry to hear about your friend, and that your social circle has become so different now.

@LongHotSummerJustPassedMeBy thank you for that. Your comment made me cry, but in a good way. You reminded me that it is not all doom and gloom with lovely, caring people like you in the world.

That's the problem with friendship groups isn't it? There is always a Queen Bee.
You are well rid. Instead find a few friends individually. I hate cliques as there is too much pressure to conform.
Good for you for standing up for yourself.

Sorry for what you went though, that was really shit - but there's no age limit on making friends!

The problem is, they're not going to flock towards you. If you want to make friends, you have to go out there and get them.

Maybe join a club that's related to something you enjoy doing? There are clubs for pretty much everything, and you'll meet like-minded people. Before you know it you'll be meeting for coffee outside of the hobby and texting and supporting each other :).

Joined a sports club at 46 and made lots of new friends. One of the best things I have done.

How do you join a book club?

I'd love to but only ever see already established groups sharing wine on a Wednesday 😂

Ah you’re welcome 2018. I thought your post was brave and perceptive. Look after yourself

@Divebar

I think most of the friends I have now I’ve made since I turned 40. One was from work, one NCT and a couple that are school mums. I wouldn’t say I have millions but then life is pretty busy. I’ve joined a gym and there’s a lady there I chat to and I will hope to get to know her better...I’ve also just joined a book club so we’ll see what happens there. I also make friends in other countries and write to them so they’re not always on my doorstep. Keep an open mind and get out there.

I’d love you to expand on these international friends you write to?

It probably seems a strange and quaint hobby but I write letters to people and through it have made many friends. You can go as deep or as shallow with letters. Several have tipped over into meeting up and one has become a bestie! I’m early 60s, she’s a bit younger.

I met my very closest friend through church which I joined 18 years ago so I was over 40. We’ve done loads together and she’s definitely a better friend than those I had earlier in life.

I agree with others: social and hobby groups are the way forward as well as church if that’s your thing

I had similar when my daughter was badly bullied at school. The school called the parents about it as it turned out to be a major safeguarding incident (without telling us) and the parents (who had been close friends) assumed that we had told some tale and that their precious princesses were faultless (despite the bruises and rope marks around my daughter's neck). They really turned on us to the point I was frightened.

Now (almost 3 yrs on) I have made a wonderful new group of friends through a hobby and a new job that are male and female ageing from 25 - 80 and they are a much better match for me. I've realised how boring I found my original friends and it has given me the kick up the backside I needed to move on...

Now, though I have no contact with the parents, I constantly have to listen other people moaning on about how annoying they are etc yet they keep meeting up with them all the time and, by default, excluding me. I find that really hard as it feels like I lost everything though the other families lost nothing. People just took the easy path and it suited their narrative to assume that I had chosen to walk away.

We've all moved on now and dd is much happier too. She has some lovely friends and we are so proud of how well she picked herself up. But it is like grief with a huge sense of injustice thrown in to boot. It still really hurts and I expect it always will.

Good luck.