To accept that I’ll never make any new friends now I’m in my forties?

[99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne]

I’ll get right to the point; as juvenile as it sounds, a few years ago I lost all of my friendship circle in just one, fateful evening. There was nothing outrageous or monstrous, I just dared to stand up to the Queen Bee about her own behaviour. I was excommunicated. I can only suspect lots of truths have been twisted and lies have been told as it’s no exaggeration to say I’m now a social pariah. I’d known and supported these women through thick and thin for almost two decades and stupidly put all of my eggs in one basket as through a combination of circumstances (e.g constantly moved, didn’t go to uni etc.) I have literally no other friends. These women were it.
I’m happily married with wonderful kids and I’ve tried to be content with my lot but I’m just so desperately lonely and sad for what I’ll never have again.

I feel exactly like you OP, except my real friends are far away in another country. I've tried to make friends here, both in London and in the village where we live now and I just don't have the same depth of connection with anyone. I feel like I have a circle of acquaintances but don't have anyone who I would really call a friend. Everyone I've become relatively friendly with already has a circle of actual friends who they go on holiday with and hang out with regularly, I constantly feel like I'm on the periphery. Sometimes it makes me feel really miserable.

The friends we make when we’re younger are often formed through convenience - at university say, where there’s the lucky combination of living in close proximity and having plenty of free time to socialise. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you have substantial affinities. Also doesn’t mean you’re wedded for life. Friendships that come later might be a harder to forge and sustain, but no less worth it. Good luck, hope you find some decent companions.

That sounds rubbish but I don't agree with you. I've made friends each year and I'm in my forties. I've never had one group of close friends though like you, so I can understand how you now feel alone.

Yes, I’ve found it is harder to make friends as I get older. I meet people but I’m less tolerant of things I don’t like and won’t put up with, so those people tend not to get past the early stages of friendship. I have met a couple of people through work and we started meeting up for coffee and within a year, we socialise regularly (really made the most of eat out to help out). It happened organically, just goes to show it can happen.

@Throughabushbackwards

I feel exactly like you OP, except my real friends are far away in another country. I've tried to make friends here, both in London and in the village where we live now and I just don't have the same depth of connection with anyone. I feel like I have a circle of acquaintances but don't have anyone who I would really call a friend. Everyone I've become relatively friendly with already has a circle of actual friends who they go on holiday with and hang out with regularly, I constantly feel like I'm on the periphery. Sometimes it makes me feel really miserable.

This is my experience also, I’ve made some friends through work over the years but I do find that it’s hard to maintain them especially when you move on to a new job. It almost feels like people have full lives already and whilst I have no doubt they are genuine, it is hard to keep lots of friendships going. I am also socially awkward so often get in my own way.

Some of the responses here have made me smile and I hope I find my tribe sometime soon, when we’re all able to get out of the house again.

I hope you find yours too OP

Well if you are up for a virtual friend OP, I am here and glad to welcome you. I have made friends in my 40's and I did it though hobbies, parenting groups, study. So there is nothing to stop you. And I am making new friends on this board every day through posting in specialist areas.

I have no friends these days, and I'm ready to make some. Where are you all hiding??

I’ve made friends in the past few years and they’re more ‘me’ we have shared interests and ideas. I love them so much enjoy being with them either individually or in a group. I took a chance once morning and invited my yoga teacher for a coffee and boom I’ve invited so many new people into my life. You can do it but it takes guts.

The dating app Bumble has a friendship section. I’ve made some great friends that way ( far more successful than the dating 🤷‍♀️)
Plus I started at a dance class. Over time have made friends with instructor plus see the other ladies for social events
I thought my days of making friends was over but definitely not! 👍

I pressed yanbu by accident. I've made new and reconnected with old friends in the last few years. I've met some at the gym others at work . There are thousands of people nearby and most of them are ready to make friends!

Of course you can, the time to give up on anything is when you’re dead (obviously even this is dependent on your view of the afterlife).

Join things, take up a new hobby don’t worry about making friends, just be nice to people, put yourself out there, the right friends will be drawn to you.

You can definitely make friends! I think many women get busy with work and young kids in their 30s then at 40 are looking for new friendships. Don’t resign yourself and sounds like you’re better off without the last lot. There are loads of kind, funny, drama free women out there!

I made loads of friends once I got over forty just by doing what suited me. Kids were a bit older so I did activities for me and met people I liked here and there. I moved jobs thrice and once worked with nice but meh people then with a load of ace people a whole cluster of I became friends with. I wasn’t looking for more but actually i made loads of acquaintances in my thirties but loads of friends in my forties. Several are in that friends for life whatever you ever need category too. Get out there, my mum still makes friends and she is double your age!

Similar situation here - I got 'wendied' out of a friendship group by a Queen Bee a couple of years ago. It really was like a period of grief, and it's damaged me in that I feel like I'll never open myself up as much as I did last time, I'll always have a wall up.

Interestingly, I was contacted out of the blue by another group member last year, the QB had started on her after I had been pushed out.

Given that she did absolutely nothing to help me or try and stop it while I was being obviously excluded and pushed out, I didn't feel much like sympathising with her or rekindling the "friendship" with her.

It's taken me this long - 2-3 years - to think I might like to maybe make some new friends.

Me too! My problem is I’m not a natural “ hobby “ person. I tend to like solitary things . I’ve tried joining some clubs before but there’s always a but..if you see what I mean. And I’m a good, kind friend and ever so clean and well behaved! Also it’s coping with the rejection..if you do say “ fancy going for a coffee.” it’s hard when people knock you back.

You haven't lost real friends they were shallow associations . It must be really upsetting but you will look back and see that one day

You can and will make new friends.

I think it's hard but keep on trying. I think Mumsnet should set up a board for mumsnetters to make friends. The type of thing where you can type, "43F, Basingstoke, enjoys underwater basket weaving and ghost hunting in Tescos carparks, would like to meet other like-minded mumsnetters for coffee and museum trips."

I’m up for some new friends too - I’m in the same position at a similar age. Maybe some of us on this thread need to form a new friendship group!

I joined the WI in my 60s and I now know many wonderful women of all ages. Many neighbours of many years who I'd never spoken to.

Most WIs are absolutely not 'Jam & Jerusalem' any more and some are very mixed, age-wise and attitude wise. 20 year-olds and upwards. Many city ones are vibrant and feminist and much more about campaigning than some of our more staid institutes (still some about!)

Difficult as not meeting during covid, but do think about it - we're generally a friendly and welcoming lot.

Ok I'll start @Bmidreams and @Bearsbearsbears40 Are either of you based in the north east? I am. Always looking for friends for a coffee, go to the cinema, go to museums or art exhibits (covid-19 permitting [confused[).

I make friends through work. In fact, all of my friendships since being about 24 have mostly been colleagues and ex-colleagues. I haven't read your full thread but do you work and if not could you volunteer or pick up a part time job to meet more people?

Not at all. I fully intend on meeting new friends in my mid forties when the DC are older.
Don't let your last experience put you off, it was horrible of the others to dump you. Many people are free from raising DC then and open to making new friends.

My mum moved to a new village in her 50s and made friends through church/hobbies/community groups. I think it’s harder as you get older because out of school/uni and once settled in work, you tend not to meet so many new people. You need to actively do things to find them.

I agree with the others.

I am in my 50s and my two closest friends I have met only in the past 10 years.
My mother is 87 and her three closest friends she has made in the past 4 years when she joined a new church.

You are never too old for new friends.

Afraid not, @wigglerose, I am in North Wales (if anyone here is local to me).But I can wave to you and say hi. Or perhaps we should start a Zoom group for now?!