To accept that I’ll never make any new friends now I’m in my forties?

[99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne]

I’ll get right to the point; as juvenile as it sounds, a few years ago I lost all of my friendship circle in just one, fateful evening. There was nothing outrageous or monstrous, I just dared to stand up to the Queen Bee about her own behaviour. I was excommunicated. I can only suspect lots of truths have been twisted and lies have been told as it’s no exaggeration to say I’m now a social pariah. I’d known and supported these women through thick and thin for almost two decades and stupidly put all of my eggs in one basket as through a combination of circumstances (e.g constantly moved, didn’t go to uni etc.) I have literally no other friends. These women were it.
I’m happily married with wonderful kids and I’ve tried to be content with my lot but I’m just so desperately lonely and sad for what I’ll never have again.

@LiveFromHome

Similar situation here - I got 'wendied' out of a friendship group by a Queen Bee a couple of years ago. It really was like a period of grief, and it's damaged me in that I feel like I'll never open myself up as much as I did last time, I'll always have a wall up.

Interestingly, I was contacted out of the blue by another group member last year, the QB had started on her after I had been pushed out.

Given that she did absolutely nothing to help me or try and stop it while I was being obviously excluded and pushed out, I didn't feel much like sympathising with her or rekindling the "friendship" with her.

It's taken me this long - 2-3 years - to think I might like to maybe make some new friends.

Wow I could’ve written that!!!
The only difference is that no one’s contacted me

@wigglerose

Ok I'll start *@Bmidreams and @Bearsbearsbears40* Are either of you based in the north east? I am. Always looking for friends for a coffee, go to the cinema, go to museums or art exhibits (covid-19 permitting [confused[).

South East ☹️

I do wonder where pps live that there are all these clubs and hobbies and opportunities to meet people. Aren't we in the middle of a pandemic?

My Nan is still making new friends and she's in her 80s. You will meet new people, better friends than before probably.

This is so sad! I can't imagine a group of so called 'friends' behaving like that - I'm so sorry you've had to go through it OP.

I'm in my 50s and have a range of friends from school, single times, work and later on - other Mums. Some I have only known for 8/10 years. I'm very close to some and less close with others. They are all lovely people and while I may not be the life and soul, and I don't have a wild social life, I'd stake my life than none of them would behave like your ex-pals.

You're hurting and that's understandable. But as PPs have said - these people are no loss to you. You will make more - and much better friends. You will meet people through all sorts of avenues, but please don't give up and definitely don't regret these horrible people!

Good luck!

There's been a few threads on this recently. You're not alone, OP. Some of us MNetters made a Facebook group a while ago and we Zoom chat etc. It's been great. Geography is an issue for any wide ranging online group - I live in the NW but in a very sparsely populated area so Meetup and Bumble don't work that well for me. I'm not 40 yet so I'll keep persevering. I don't want super close pals, I'd just like someone to bob out for coffee with and chat who won't immediately go NO or be flaky.

I made friends after moving to another country around 40. (Brexit :/) 3 years ago. My language skills are Terrible so I am also relying on others to have better English than my German. You have to be yourself to attract likeminded people but I think being open to opportunities to chat and connect will help.

Not sure if it’s been suggested but have you tried peanut? I was the first in my friendship group to have a child and so found it really isolating and lonely. I’ve made 3 wonderful and now very close friends. They are absolutely lovely. It’s worth a go!

Just take up a new hobby!

If you do the same thing every day, every year, then yes, you are unlikely to meet new friends.

I lost a group of friends in my late 40s, for reasons I won't go into, and have made plenty of new friends since then.

Never really had any to lose. I'd like friends but find people absolutely exhausting, so working all day then having to do anything social in the evening seems like a nightmare to me. I've not minded lockdown because it's meant less contact with people.

Don't know how to square that circle.

This is something that seems quite common among female social groups, even when they are in middle age. Being excommunicated by the Queen Bee happened to me too, and it's absolutely horrible. I bump into the other women in the group now and then and they are polite but sheepish when I see them - and I'm never invited to any of their social events. But like many of the other posters I've found other, much nicer friends by joining groups and volunteering. The hurt never really goes away though, sorry.

@5050not

Not sure if it’s been suggested but have you tried peanut? I was the first in my friendship group to have a child and so found it really isolating and lonely. I’ve made 3 wonderful and now very close friends. They are absolutely lovely. It’s worth a go!

I’ve just googled as I had no clue what ‘Peanut’ was. Yes it looks great but it also needs a Facebook account. I no longer have Facebook as even though the majority of my former ‘friends’ deleted me (yes really), events/nights out etc still obviously filtered through from other people and it was heartbreaking. Better for my mental health not to see it.

My sister has met lots of new friends in her 40s through a running club.

It's a good activity because people can talk (if they're not struggling) when they run, a d there's a social and volunteering angle to it as well.

Thank you all for all the support and suggestions.
To answer a few questions; my children are secondary school age, so I’m long past chatting at the school gates and there isn’t a PTA.
I do work but it’s a tiny environment/workforce with no social interactions or opportunities to.
My local W.I, is most definitely still all jam and Jerusalem. Fact.
The general consensus here seems to be to join a hobby group. It will be a job to find one near me that isn’t aimed at pensioners or conducted during working hours but I’ll give it a try.

Remember friends come in all ages all shapes and sizes. Why not do some volunteering in the community if you have the time, take small steps.
My neighbour is 87 she is glad we chat, I'm her friend.

I’ve made 3 amazing friends since I turned 40yo. All through the gym.

There was one woman who was frequently in classes I went to who seemed nice, we exchanged odd pleasantries. I noticed after class she often met 2 women in the club room for drinks. Without sounding like a nutcase I stalked them, made sure I was in the club room at the same time, kind of invited myself into the group. We’re now all firm friends, lunch at weekends, coffees in the week, the sort of friends who would drop everything and come and rescue me from the other side of the country when I had an accident friends.

So it is possible but you may have to be a bit pushy!

I’m 46 and made friends by joining a chorus 4 years ago. A lovely bunch of women from 18 to 80. My mums group fell apart for various reasons, including being ghosted by by best friend of 24 years for no reason. That hurt like hell and I am still mourning. I know she wasn’t a good friend and I deserved better but it still hurt when she ditched me. I have used this as an opportunity to contact a couple of old friends and got more in with another group of friends I was on the periphery of before. We have bonded through mutual support through lockdown (weekly Zoom meet-ups). I’ve just become friends with DC’s friend’s mum since April/May doing outdoor meet-ups with the DC. We have lots in common and get on well. I don’t find any of this easy. You need to make the opportunities happen.

Do you live somewhere small enough that the Queen Bee has poisoned the whole village against you? If so, I think I'd move. If not, you need to get out there. It sounds like you're harbouring trauma from what happened. But don't let that stop you trying again.

Possible avenues - sports club. Volunteering. Hobby.

I made a new gang of friends at 45 and I am a bit of a nightmare tbh.

So someone like you who is really prepared to go for it will have no trouble. You have a lovely time ahead!

... Tricky during covid but at the least you can make it happen afterwards.

Choose places with a friendly atmosphere and easy socialising, if they seem cliquey or not your type, just move on swiftly to a different place.

Don’t dismiss people. One of my best friends is 24 years older than me. Book club, netball, dog walks, volunteering abd my kids extra curricular activities have all helped me make friends. There have been bumpy times: School cliques, I’ve been ditched, let down but one thing I’ve learned is that when I scoot around the edges of life thinking no one would want to be my friend I have no friends. Once I moved towns and didn’t speak to anyone for 3 months! That was hell. But when I hold my head up high and throw myself into life people want to be my friend. There will always be people overly concerned with wealth/status/whatever but if they are not willing to give you a chance then they are not worth your time.
I know I make it sound easy abd I know it’s not but it is possible.

Sorry this happened to you, within covid limits can you join:
Running club
Cycling
Book club
Craft
Yoga/ Pilates
Gardening - any fruit to offer? Barter system very sociable where we live !

Could you suggest a book club? Have you a village newsletter / fb group?
Volunteer for any local groups ie fund raising, gardening.

I'm so sorry this happened to you - it sounds really traumatic. I think that lots of women don't have a close group of friends (like SATC portrays) - it took me a while to get realise that. I have friends mainly from school and work, and get on with people younger and older. I've found not having children has meant I'm less close to certain friends, and I'm sad about it but I know it will change in years to come. I've never found that I made friends doing hobbies or activities. Not really sure why, it just didn't work out for me. But I know plenty of people who have done so don't give up.

@BlackberrySky

It's never too late to make new friends. My mum is in her seventies and has friends she has made in the last five years! Could you get involved in something in the community, or at school perhaps?

This here. There are always things you cHi be involved in? Or would that be harder now with covid, if you are in a lockdown area?