To accept that I’ll never make any new friends now I’m in my forties?

[99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne]

I’ll get right to the point; as juvenile as it sounds, a few years ago I lost all of my friendship circle in just one, fateful evening. There was nothing outrageous or monstrous, I just dared to stand up to the Queen Bee about her own behaviour. I was excommunicated. I can only suspect lots of truths have been twisted and lies have been told as it’s no exaggeration to say I’m now a social pariah. I’d known and supported these women through thick and thin for almost two decades and stupidly put all of my eggs in one basket as through a combination of circumstances (e.g constantly moved, didn’t go to uni etc.) I have literally no other friends. These women were it.
I’m happily married with wonderful kids and I’ve tried to be content with my lot but I’m just so desperately lonely and sad for what I’ll never have again.

@99ProblemsButTheBeachAintOne

Thank you all for all the support and suggestions. To answer a few questions; my children are secondary school age, so I’m long past chatting at the school gates and there isn’t a PTA. I do work but it’s a tiny environment/workforce with no social interactions or opportunities to. My local W.I, is most definitely still all jam and Jerusalem. Fact. The general consensus here seems to be to join a hobby group. It will be a job to find one near me that isn’t aimed at pensioners or conducted during working hours but I’ll give it a try.

I am disabled and struggling with chronic illness so not easy to meet people.my own age group (late 30s) but I do go to an art group full of pensioners. I am actually finding I don't mind that they are older than me.

Do new things, make new friends.

I joined an amdram group at 45 and have accumulated a fair few friends there.

I’ve made many friends in the last eight years by moving to a new area and throwing myself into both school and community volunteering. I now have friends ranging from their 20s to their 80s and my life is now like a sitcom. Both men and women. I go to all sorts. It’s ace.

Wow, they weren’t very good friends. Well done for escaping from them before you wasted your entire life on their lies. I wouldn’t see it as losing friends - you never really had any to begin with, because friends wouldn’t treat you like that. I can’t see a way to make new friends at present due to Covid, but when it’s all over you could try a hobby group or club?

This happened to me too. It was awful.

I downloaded the Meet-up app; that brought me some acquaintances, though Covid has prevented them from turning into proper friends yet. Also got a new job and joined a book club. It’s horrid and painful; I feel for you. Take heart that you’re not alone!

My nan made new friends age 90 when she started a quilting bee in her old peoples home.

I’ve made new friends in my 40’s ( now 46) through volunteering and being friendly towards other parents- it’s easier at primary but I’ve made a couple at DD’s secondary school as well. You don’t always end up in a group the way you do when younger ( although I have one group of Mum friends from DD’s primary school), I have more individual friendships now from different activities, but I’ve been introduced to other people through a friend and then we start forming a group. Making new friends definitely requires abit of effort and I’ve noticed that there are some people my age who just don’t want new friends- so if I’m not getting a friendly vibe, I just move on.

We could all be around into our 80’s nowadays so I reckon I’ve got plenty of time to make new friends.

I have made a fair few pals just by saying hello. Is there someone, anyone, who you pass in the street a couple of times a week? Maybe they use the library/gym/convenience store/etc. at the same time as you? Say hi to them. Old, young, male, female, whoever - just say hi. You will eventually get chatting. Perhaps someone in the queue for the ATM has a dog with them - say hello and compliment their 'beautiful dog'. Tell the woman in front of you at Sains Local that you love her bag/hair/boots (if you genuinely do, of course!). Comment on the cuteness of a child or reassure a frazzled mum with a screaming DC that 'it does get better, I promise'. Honestly, just get yakking to people and you'll soon find out that some of them are a really good laugh. If you can stand up to a horrendous queen bee then I can assure you that plenty of people would like a pal like you!

I had more friends when I was in my late teens/early 20's (I am now mid-40's) I am not sure if it is me that has changed to age or just I am more busy now I am married, working FT and have a child.

It is not that I won't make time for people but I just can't do the BFF's live with people's drama's and have a friend hierarchy type thing. I don't do deep and meaniful conversations or take sides with friendships etc.

I will always help people who genuinely need it but I just do the 'playground' friend thing anymore.

I just chat to people about different things, I was a member of the WI and loved that as there was no pressure I just chatted to people. I then moved away

I may go back to join a group when DS is finished high school but I don't have the energy for close friendships currently

If you are a gregarious type then making friends will always be easy. If you are shy, anxious & or have social communication difficulties like ASD, then chances are you won't. I have ADHD & ASD & find making friends online is easy but in real life its impossible because I can't maintain a conversation or their interest. No idea what to say. If you struggle in real life try online, its much easier.

My father is in his eighties and still making new friends! You just need to make the effort and it will happen.

I’m finding this thread really helpful as I’ve been through what you’ve been through OP. I’ve got a big birthday coming up and no friends organising anything for me. I’m always really sad when I see photos of girl groups getting together for a friends birthday. I just don’t have that. I got pushed out of a group about 4 years ago and I’ve really struggled since then. I’ve kind of lost my oomph with friendships. I just don’t know how to do it anymore!

I'm sorry, that sounds rubbish and I sympathise with you. I recently lost a number of friends after falling out with one of them. We were a great fun group that had many giggles and raucous nights out, but I don't regret it. I am proud that I stood up for myself and those friends that sided with her were clearly not true friends.

Having said that, I am still making friends in my 40s.

Don't let their rejection effect you too much. I agree with, joining groups or clubs for things you enjoy and be open to new friendships.

You may find, like me, that the friends you make at this age are some of the best you've ever made.

I am sure you will other things you don't agree with them on, this is not something I would be concerned with unless my child had an issue

I second meet up ..Made a fab group of friends from it. Been on hoilday and chat daily .
Where are u based so people can make suggestions?

@notmrscookie

I second meet up ..Made a fab group of friends from it. Been on hoilday and chat daily . Where are u based so people can make suggestions?

Yes I was going to come back in to mention Meetup, I used to go to a bookcrossing meet up but there were heaps of others where I lived for other people

maybe you local facebook community page, or twitter or even your local paper may have details of meetups as well as the official meet up site

This really resonates with me.

My best friend of 35 years died four years ago. Our circle was six couples from when our babies were in preschool, and we stayed close, as couples and as friends. She and I were very close. I will never get over her dying.

Her DH introduced a new lady friend within the year, and she has blatantly, shockingly, pushed me out. Of the larger circle and the inner circle. Their children and grandchildren, all of it strained and unnatural.

I'm the boss at work, so whilst I have lots of friends and enjoy my colleagues, i am never quite in the inner circle.

I am lonely and can't really face starting again. I know I am withdrawing more than is necessary, but it all seems a little pointless these days.

Don't get me wrong. I adore my DH and we have a great marriage, but nothing can replace a good chat with a true girlfriend. I can't imagine that ever happening again.

Sorry this happened OP- well done for standing up for yourself but it’s tough to lose friends. Your 40s isn’t too late to make new friends; it may take some effort (do a course, volunteer locally...) but is more than possible.

@wigglerose sadly many miles from you. That would have been great!

I always had loads of friends, different groups of friends to do different things with, but reading this thread I agree that my 30s were hectic having children, and now in my 40s I have more time again. I also lost friends through relationship break ups and moving jobs etc.

I feel your pain, like beachydreams I have a big birthday coming up too and It makes me sad that I don’t have any real friends to organise or do anything with. I know DH will do something, but I miss not having a close group to do things with. I have a beautiful family but no friends. I used to have lots of mum friends but I don’t see them much anymore because my job became busier and more demanding. Any spare time went to my children and so friendships have dwindled. I suppose it is my fault but I seem to have made lots of acquaintances but no good friends. It is good to hear that there is still hope.

I fell out with all my university friends almost 20 years ago. It was very traumatic because I loved them so much, I shared houses with them, we thought we’d be friends forever. I’m pretty sure I took about 3 years to get over it and it was a very hard time.

Since then I’ve made lots of friends at work, through family, at the school, In my running club, but it’s never been like that - being in an all-consuming gang is different. (For good reasons and bad.) I guess I had to come to terms with that and once I did I was grateful for the friends I do have.

Give yourself time to grieve and accept. You were brave to call out the queen bee. There was a reason you did that. There’s lots of great advice about where to find new friends - less easy in a pandemic, granted! But you will get there

Some really good advice here. I had a very similar experience 3 years ago op, it was so awful that I would have anxiety attacks going to the local supermarket in case I saw any of them. I actually did have counselling for a bit which really helped.
I can honestly say I am so much happier now, even when I was in 'the group' I felt as if I were constantly treading on eggshells or I didnt fit in properly, they were bitchy about how other women looked etc and still are. looking back I really don't know why I bothered with them in the first place other than they had children the same age and lived in the same place.
Every so often I bump into people that still see them and it sounds like they are still at it but now it's their children (now teenagers) being awful to each other. I have made new friends but I really don't like group dynamics anymore I find that unfortunately they often fall prey to the Queen bee type characters. You will get over this op. Like others have suggested throw yourself into a hobby that you enjoy and the rest will fall into place. BTW I'm also south east (Surrey).

My local W.I, is most definitely still all jam and Jerusalem. Fact.

Do you drive? Whatever you decide to do, go a bit outside your immediate area. Will make a better chance of meeting totally new people

I’m not sure you do need Facebook! I don’t have Facebook either. If you download it on your phone you can set it up that wa. It’s a little bit like tinder for mums.