Or is DH getting a much better deal???

[Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra]

NC as outing

I probably abu but I’m just beyond myself.

DH works FT (long hours shift work) and I’m on mat leave with DC. He gets limited time off and when he does I often end up taking DC out alone so that he can ‘do jobs’ - a lot of which is spent watching Netflix and snacking I suspect.

I do the majority of house stuff and all of the food shopping and cooking (including meals just for DH and his packed lunches). It just sort of happened when I went on mat leave. DH also gets 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep every 24 hours because ‘he’s working’.

DC has recently stopped sleeping at night (HV says normal) but it’s really hard. Last night I got 2 hours. I’m sleeping on their nursery floor out of desperation.

So I’m running around like a blue arsed fly, cleaning, shopping, hoovering, cooking, all on very little sleep and DH just seems to think I do nothing (he’s the silent type who doesn’t say anything unless promoted but his silence comes across very critical).

Today DH has the day off and I thought yay! After the horrific night I had he can give me a break. Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house, kept going on about how ‘dirty’ it is (it’s really not) and how if it weren’t for him we’d need a cleaner. He makes the majority of the mess and never picks up after himself. So he took himself off hoover in hand to the other side of the house and left me with DC screaming for no reason, throwing things and chewing my sore nipples and I just snapped with DH and got really mad.

It’s a large house, I do my bloody best and feel massively under appreciated. I’ve lost a stone since DC was born and was slim to start with. I’m so busy I can’t eat and I 100% put DH and DC before myself.

People who pop in (granted not many since CV) actually commented on how they can’t believe it’s so tidy with a small baby. I think I do really well and I hate that DH makes me feel like such a failure - intentionally or not.

DH is being a dick.

Do what I did

1. have a day off from everything other than feeding the baby.

Or

2. have a day off and leave DH with the baby

Both will result in very little being done and it will be obvious!!

You need a back bone and he needs to step up!

I suspect he is being a bit of dick yes, but he isn’t known for his dickish tendencies so I’ve really been questioning whether it’s me.

I know this stage of babydom is hard but it’s just the total lack of appreciation for the good ride he’s getting that is irritating me. No his boobs don’t work; but he could at least be grateful for the solid 7/8 hour sleeps he gets and maybe occasionally offer to take DC out or make me a meal!

He could also stop behaving like I’m a lazy arse... that would be nice.

I get what your saying and it doesn't seem balanced at all but have you sat down and had a proper convert with him about this? If you have and he still thinks that everything is fine then you really need to express some milk and leave him with DC for a day so that he can see what's going on. Also unless he is a brain surgeon or similar why can't he do some of the nights?

Book a full house clean, then when they arrive, take yourself off to bed with the baby and a pile of snacks and drinks.

Do that once a week whilst he's at work.

You don't need to tell him about it.

And if you've got to make him a packed lunch (God alone knows why, but if you aren't going to tell him to sort himself out, let's go with it), make yourself one at the same time. That way, you don't have to find time to make something when you're already busy, you just have to take it out the fridge.

You need to express some milk, hand him the baby and walk out for an entire day. Leave him to it all. If it's so easy, he can manage surely?

@Esthermoo01

I struggle to express which has been a real pain in the arse. Brain surgeon is close to what he does...I feel like I’m over a barrel because he can’t be sent to work over tired. Tbh I feel like this week I’ve realised that looking after DC is hard but looking after DC and DH is harder. I would have sooo much less to do if DH wasn’t in the house.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but...
I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed.

If I was on maternity leave, and had a partner, I would expect to look after the home while my partner brought in the money. Having someone to share the load with should involve you doing most of the childcare and cleaning and cooking, while he brings in most of the money.

But I know on MN, the partners that work out of the home are expected to come home to carry on working there too. So, you're probably not being unreasonable to expect that.

I would stop playing the game of taking the DC out while he 'does jobs' i.e. has time to himself. Tell him it's too much and he should spend his non working hours having down time with the DC. You don't want him to miss out on dad bonding. Then pass him the DC and go and have some peaceful time in a different room.

So you are guessing that he thinks you don't do anything. Tbh sounds like you are just making work for yourself:

Shopping - get it all delivered
Packed lunch - stop making it. Don't say why just stop, let him ask you and then say you are too busy with the baby/house.
Meals - buy ready meals or cook simple stuff that can be thrown together
Housework - seriously there are 2 of you and a baby, how much mess do you make. Why are you picking up after him - you are choosing to do this and making a rod for your own back. If he doesn't clean up after himself that's his lookout, just leave it or sweep it into a pile.

Seriously OP you are making work for yourself and then moaning about him, just stop.

I think you need to stop running around like crazy trying to do everything on virtually no sleep. It isn’t healthy and it’s fine to lower your standards a bit while you have a baby. I also think you need to talk to him about the importance of you getting some time to yourself. He needs to step up and do more than just working.

He is being an arse.

He can't have it both ways. Either looking after a baby is easy and therefore he can help out a lot more, or it's hard and therefore he can see why you dont have time to clean the whole house every day. Either having disturbed sleep is a struggle in which case he cuts you some slack, or it's easy to carry on when you're tired in which case he could help.

Unless he is in a safety critical role eg surgeon, air traffic control, long distance lorry driver etc then he should have expected to have disturbed sleep. New parents are always knackered. Its fundamentally unfair if you're really struggling and he just carries on as normal. And I think only a selfish partner would be ok with that.

Also on what planet does anyone think that because your partner is looking after a baby all day and struggling to get time to eat, that its ok to not make your own lunch or clear your own shit up? Having a partner at home doesn't absolve him of normal adult responsibilities.

I EBF (both babies bottle refuses after 3 months) and we had one ok sleeper and one really awful one. My husband could understand how tired I was and although he couldnt feed them he would take them out a walk in the middle of the night to keep them quiet, or a drive, so I could get some extra sleep, and always came home and did bath time etc so I could do whatever.

I would also be concerned that he doesn't seem to want to spend much time with the baby from what you said

Yes he is lazy and needs to shut his trap.

I'm on mat leave with a dh working from home .when I take the toddler to pre school he watches the baby while working.

He comes out and makes me tea and lunch

He makes dinner

I do all the other stuff when I can but he puts bins out, mows lawn etc

He has dared to complain about mess before so I told him what he can do to sort it out. Yes he earns more money than me but I put my body through hell and continue to do so (chewed nipples, lack of sleep, dealing with tantrums) for children he produced with me.

You need time to yourself. I always find doing the cleaning or some painting while he has the children is actually a break because I am on my own and listening to what I want, I just make an appearance when the baby needs milk.

Also how does he expect to bond with his child if he doesnt spend any alone time with them?

When you go back to work there may be times he has to take time off to look after your child if you need to work. If he hasnt had that one on one alone time they will both struggle surely?

Some of this feels familiar to me from my relationship, although thankfully not to this extent. I found that men, even nice, supportive men, just don’t realise the toll that pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and general motherhood puts on your body and brain. There is a belief that you are ‘naturally’ built for and ready for it.

In my experience, honest conversations about just how fatiguing, intense and difficult this period of your life can be can be beneficial. Yes, you may have to spell out to him how all the ‘wife work’ adds up with lack of sleep, feeding pain etc and how overwhelming it is. I found that this conversation was helpful.

... so you want him to work long shift hours, clean the house and look after the baby ?.

Also even with a supportive husband, having awful awful sleep really fucked with my mental health (got anxiety for the first time ever, dreading bed time etc etc) so please be careful. I also didnt see anyone for a few months or do anything, I was just too tired. I can't imagine how much worse it would have been without support

@insideoutsider

No fwiw I agree. I expect to do the nights and most of the domestic stuff when he’s working.

I do think that A) he should be nicer and grateful for what I do. I think stuff like making his packed lunches is above and beyond the ‘keeping house and caring for baby’
B) We should be sharing days off equally. I deserve time off too! If he’s not at work he should be doing half surely?

FWIW I am receiving full pay. So it’s not a ‘he brings home the bacon and I keep house’ situation. I’m not financially dependant on him even though I’m on mat leave

Yet another thread about a bloke who doesn’t think he has to parent his child.
He’s a dick. He should be up in the night. He should be making his own lunches. He should be desperate to spend time with his child after not seeing them all week.
Get it sorted now or it’ll only get worse.
Also housework is matterless. I’d rather DH was bonding with our son than running the fucking Hoover round.
I feel for you OP.

@VickySunshine yep, that's what you have to do as a working adult who decides to become a parent.

@insideoutsider I fail to see why one parent has to work for 24 hours 7 days a week, and the other one for half the time, probably even less.
Single parents manage because they have to, and I take my hat off to them.
But the OP has a parter and her child has a father, so maybe he should start acting like it or fuck off. Because as she said it’s easier when he’s not there anyway.

@VickySunshine

That’s what I’m doing isn’t it?
I don’t sit down from morning to night. I’ve lost a stone because I don’t get time to eat.

Not sure why it’s ok for him but not for me.

@VickySunshine Yes. The child has two parents.
Fuck me, no wonder blokes get away with doing fuck all.

Perhaps he can't go to work tired but he sure as fuck can stop criticising you and creating extra work.

So what will happen when your maternity leave finishes? How will you divide the labour then?