Or is DH getting a much better deal???

[Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra]

NC as outing

I probably abu but I’m just beyond myself.

DH works FT (long hours shift work) and I’m on mat leave with DC. He gets limited time off and when he does I often end up taking DC out alone so that he can ‘do jobs’ - a lot of which is spent watching Netflix and snacking I suspect.

I do the majority of house stuff and all of the food shopping and cooking (including meals just for DH and his packed lunches). It just sort of happened when I went on mat leave. DH also gets 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep every 24 hours because ‘he’s working’.

DC has recently stopped sleeping at night (HV says normal) but it’s really hard. Last night I got 2 hours. I’m sleeping on their nursery floor out of desperation.

So I’m running around like a blue arsed fly, cleaning, shopping, hoovering, cooking, all on very little sleep and DH just seems to think I do nothing (he’s the silent type who doesn’t say anything unless promoted but his silence comes across very critical).

Today DH has the day off and I thought yay! After the horrific night I had he can give me a break. Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house, kept going on about how ‘dirty’ it is (it’s really not) and how if it weren’t for him we’d need a cleaner. He makes the majority of the mess and never picks up after himself. So he took himself off hoover in hand to the other side of the house and left me with DC screaming for no reason, throwing things and chewing my sore nipples and I just snapped with DH and got really mad.

It’s a large house, I do my bloody best and feel massively under appreciated. I’ve lost a stone since DC was born and was slim to start with. I’m so busy I can’t eat and I 100% put DH and DC before myself.

People who pop in (granted not many since CV) actually commented on how they can’t believe it’s so tidy with a small baby. I think I do really well and I hate that DH makes me feel like such a failure - intentionally or not.

I wonder how single parents [yadda yadda...]

The OP isn't a single parent. That said, most of the single parents I know reported life being easier than with an unhelpful spouse behaving like an extra child.

If I was on maternity leave, and had a partner, I would expect to look after the home while my partner brought in the money

The OP may well be bringing in as much or more money on mat leave than the DH. Why do you assume she is his financial dependent and this means she has to be his housekeeper?

But I know on MN, the partners that work out of the home are expected to come home to carry on working there too. So, you're probably not being unreasonable to expect that

We must read different threads. What I see mostly is that the person who isn't on mat leave shouldn't expect the new mother to do a double shift 24*7. And always a good peppering of posters who think that The Man should be waited on because of the Manly Breadwinning.

OP: Focus on trying to share what leisure time is available ensuring you both get down time. Ditto spare incomee. Its not reasonable that you get no down time and nor is it reasonable of him to snark about the state of the house to justify avoiding a share of parenting. Life has changed for both of you, he shouldn't expect to opt out simply because you are doing all the childcare.

I remember when mine were little and my then husband was on at me to make him some dinner. I felt exhausted and when I walked past the hall mirror I was utterly shocked at just how exhausted I really looked. I just thought that if I saw someone who looked like that, the last thing I'd do is expect them to make me dinner. In fact I'd insist they go to bed and I'd take care of the baby. It still makes me sad to realise just how little he gave a shit about anyone but himself. Men have eyes. They can see the tiredness, the stress, the weightloss. Some just don't care.

"You always get some posters on threads like @VickySunshine and @insideoutsider."

In what way @FunDragon ? Must we all have the same opinions and all think in the same way? Surely you get that we all have different experiences, which is why the OP posted, so can she can hear a variety of thoughts?

The men in my family have always been hands on. They roll up their sleeves once they come into the house. That doesn't mean different families don't work in different ways. What works for you doesn't work for everyone. This arrangement isn't working for the OP so, yes, she is right to ask the question and find new solutions that works for HER family.

Men need telling, they’re really bad at offering or ‘reading your mind’ as they would say.

Decide what you want (one evening a week or half a Saturday or something) to look after yourself.

It will help with daddy bonding time and give you the respite to be a happy mum.

STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!!

See how long it takes before he’s complying and then you can point out it’s all the stuff you never do and he can FUCK OFF.

I wonder how single parents [yadda yadda...]

The OP isn't a single parent. That said, most of the single parents I know reported life being easier than with an unhelpful spouse behaving like an extra child.

Yes, life became a lot easier when I started behaving like a single parent and stopped doing DH's chores like shopping, ironing etc. Also stopped planning dinners. Now I'll just have some of what I'm making for DS which is usually fairly basic or, if I don't fancy it, a ready meal, shop bought salad or cheese and crackers. If DH wants meals cooked at the weekend, he has to help (either cleans up afterwards or does other chores). Single parents have it tough in so many ways, but one bullet they've definitely dodged is being expected to wait hand and foot on another perfectly capable adult.

Even by reading just the title of this thread, I knew that the answer was going to be 'yes'.

The key thing in him having a better deal seems to be you letting him eg you know that he's probably watching tv when you take dc out to let him get on with jobs but you still do it. You're making his packed lunch and cooking meals just for him.

This would be okay if you were happy about it, but you're clearly (understandably!) not.

You both need to sit down and talk. You need to let your dh how shit being criticised feels, how exhausted you are and how resentful you're already feeling, and agree some changes. You massively scaling back what you're doing for him and using that energy to look after yourself is the most important thing at the moment, from what you've said.

@insideoutsider

I'll probably get flamed for this, but... I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed.

If I was on maternity leave, and had a partner, I would expect to look after the home while my partner brought in the money. Having someone to share the load with should involve you doing most of the childcare and cleaning and cooking, while he brings in most of the money.

But I know on MN, the partners that work out of the home are expected to come home to carry on working there too. So, you're probably not being unreasonable to expect that.

Because they don’t have critical partners passing judgement on them when it has been done “correctly”.

The issue is not that OP can’t manage to clean, feed and dress her and the baby, it’s that her husband leaves it to her to do everything then when he does something he seems to expect a parade and commemorative plaque. As a pp said, if it’s so easy to do then he should step up and do 30 mins between sleeping and doing his Man Job so his wife can have a nap instead of trying to function in 2 hours sleep.

Not having time to eat is very worrying, as there is always time to grab something. Has he noticed your weightloss? What are you doing to manage it? It seems to signal something that denotes how anxious and stressed you are

You need to stand up for yourself!! Honestly you need to stop letting him treat you like this. You need to have a serious chat with him after the baby goes to bed tonight. Then make a hotel reservation and write it in the calendar. Leave a tub of formula and the baby with him and take a night away. You deserve a break too.

You need to express some milk, hand him the baby and walk out for an entire day.

Like it’s that simple. 🙄

Nothing to add in relation to the need to talk and agree better division of household responsibilities outside the work hours. But for the love in doing so please stop doing things that don’t need to be done. And I will add the “if you can”.

Because 1950s housework doesn’t really exist anymore. And no one ever died because of a sock or toy being left on the floor. Learn to kick into corners.

PS I never had a cleaner til I went on mat leave. It was a life saver! Also could you hire a mother's helper type girl to come give you a break a few times a week? Even if she holds the baby while you nap..

Him doing the cleaning must be a help? Does he actually criticise you or are assuming he thinks you are lazy? If it is actual criticism then he needs telling, if you are feeling touchy about it then talk to him.

I do think he should take the baby and let you have a rest if you've had a bad night and he's home. My migraines came in useful at this point, my husband would have them but had to be told I needed a rest/break. He is disabled so has some excuse but as I pointed out he wasn't totally unable to care for them.

Are you expecting too much of yourself, I've had 4 and two of them were complete nightmares but I can't say I ever had a day when I couldn't sit down. My granny used to say "The floors will be there when the wains are reared." It is true, I think standards can drop a bit when you have a baby in the house and there will be years to clean floors or whatever when they are older.

At this stage it is all about survival, have a sleep when baby does, plonk him in front of PeppaPig or something and have half an hour with your feet up. Never putting yourself first is being a martyr, you will be a happier/better mum if you do put yourself first occasionally.

You have one baby, concentrate on him, why have you no time to eat? are you running about doing housework?
Prioritise yourself and baby, next time
he moans tell him to shut up and help more than once a week.

@zoemum2006

Men need telling, they’re really bad at offering or ‘reading your mind’ as they would say.

Decide what you want (one evening a week or half a Saturday or something) to look after yourself.

It will help with daddy bonding time and give you the respite to be a happy mum.

I have to disagree with the first line of this (the rest - absolutely).

Men don't need telling. Lazy men need telling. Men aren't bad at offering. Lazy men are bad at offering. And lazy men don't deserve partners who cook and clean and raise the DC for them whilst they snack and watch 40 back to back episodes of Rick and Morty on Netflix, because that's called being a teenage shit.

How many kids do you have? If just the one then there are ways in which you can make your life easier. Firstly order your shopping online, takes a whole lot less time then getting yourself and baby off to the shops. Secondly stop making his lunches, he can make yours and his own so you can eat at your convenience. Lunches do not need to be elaborate of he isn't a great cook or doesn't enjoy it, soup and sandwiches are quick to whip up. Insist on having a nap one day a week and he takes the baby out. Do not do laundry everyday, I can't stress this enough. The sorting, washing , drying, folding and putting away are a lot of tasks just to get one chore ticked off. Save it for the weekend where he can help too. If you can afford to get a cleaner in or a ready meal service for the next few weeks. I would have suggested batch cooking before baby arrived so you didn't need to spend time cooking now. If you do want to cook, do simple meals, anything that can save you much needed time. Use your dishwasher if you have one.

At some point you need to talk to your dh about this situation and how it makes you feel. My dh isn't a brain surgeon or anything like that but he worked full time and still got up with both our kids two nights a week so I could get some much needed sleep. He did so because I am his wife and he could see I was on my knees from the lack of sleep, your partner is lacking in empathy for you. Either you are making yourself out to be superwoman and he genuinely doesn't see the effect this is all having on you or he is an idiotic arse, only you will know. Hope the situation improves for you!

No offense but if he has a big, important job and you are earning a good wage, then surely you can afford a cleaner. Why don’t you hire one to help out?

I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed

We didn't have an untidy husband adding to our work. But in the end a single parent doesn't have to live up to someone else's unrealistic standards.

You sound a bit like i was when DC2 was born. I ran around trying to do everything, to appear to be the perfect wife and mother. Turned out I had a wee bit of PND which was causing me to think that everyone was criticising me and my housekeeping abilities.

Dial it all back. Schedule some days as 'house days' and clean only on those days. Also cook on those days and freeze. The other days are for you and DC. Either go out, or stay in and have duvet days and try to catch up on some sleep. The house won't fall down if you don't do housework every single day, and if His Lordship has any complaints, well he can do it, can't he?

You and your baby are more important than a well hoovered carpet.

If he is brain surgeon style job then surely he earns enough for you both to employ a cleaner? Then he could stop being an arse about cleaning

Can you afford a cleaner? If so it may be a good idea. Can your husband book time off work so you can have some rest?.

He’s been really unfair talk to him.

And get some takeaway
And her someone to do washing

@insideoutsider

I'll probably get flamed for this, but... I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed.

If I was on maternity leave, and had a partner, I would expect to look after the home while my partner brought in the money. Having someone to share the load with should involve you doing most of the childcare and cleaning and cooking, while he brings in most of the money.

But I know on MN, the partners that work out of the home are expected to come home to carry on working there too. So, you're probably not being unreasonable to expect that.

Not going to flame you but want to point out that scenarios like the one here result in the 'working' parent having work hours and free hours and uninterrupted sleep whereas the 'at home' parent has at most, snatched moments of free time that are not useful and re-energising and they get constant interrupted sleep. Fact is, EVERYONE needs time off and EVERYONE needs sleep. It reflects people's attitudes that working outside the home is real work and work inside the home is a free ride.

I swear half of these 'dads' are only pro breastfeeding because only mum being able to feed means they can absolve themselves of everything baby related. Cos you know, breastfeed baby means I couldn't possibly bath my baby, launder, clean, cook, shop, or even look at my own baby

I also agree with a PP call him out on his attitude to you, either it's easy or it's not, if it is then he has no excuse to actually parent his own child and pitch in with household chores - even bachelors either have to do it these or pay a cleaner.