Or is DH getting a much better deal???

[Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra]

NC as outing

I probably abu but I’m just beyond myself.

DH works FT (long hours shift work) and I’m on mat leave with DC. He gets limited time off and when he does I often end up taking DC out alone so that he can ‘do jobs’ - a lot of which is spent watching Netflix and snacking I suspect.

I do the majority of house stuff and all of the food shopping and cooking (including meals just for DH and his packed lunches). It just sort of happened when I went on mat leave. DH also gets 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep every 24 hours because ‘he’s working’.

DC has recently stopped sleeping at night (HV says normal) but it’s really hard. Last night I got 2 hours. I’m sleeping on their nursery floor out of desperation.

So I’m running around like a blue arsed fly, cleaning, shopping, hoovering, cooking, all on very little sleep and DH just seems to think I do nothing (he’s the silent type who doesn’t say anything unless promoted but his silence comes across very critical).

Today DH has the day off and I thought yay! After the horrific night I had he can give me a break. Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house, kept going on about how ‘dirty’ it is (it’s really not) and how if it weren’t for him we’d need a cleaner. He makes the majority of the mess and never picks up after himself. So he took himself off hoover in hand to the other side of the house and left me with DC screaming for no reason, throwing things and chewing my sore nipples and I just snapped with DH and got really mad.

It’s a large house, I do my bloody best and feel massively under appreciated. I’ve lost a stone since DC was born and was slim to start with. I’m so busy I can’t eat and I 100% put DH and DC before myself.

People who pop in (granted not many since CV) actually commented on how they can’t believe it’s so tidy with a small baby. I think I do really well and I hate that DH makes me feel like such a failure - intentionally or not.

I second Zaphod, and what’s more, if he wants to do housework he can do ir with the baby in the carrier.

Most of them love the hoover anyway.

I saw something on here once which basically said

"He either thinks watching the baby is easy, in which case he can step in and do it if it's that easy or he thinks it's difficult, in which case he should be supprting your need for a break from it"

He doesn't sound like he appreciates you in the slightest.

@Sceptre86

How many kids do you have? If just the one then there are ways in which you can make your life easier. Firstly order your shopping online, takes a whole lot less time then getting yourself and baby off to the shops. Secondly stop making his lunches, he can make yours and his own so you can eat at your convenience. Lunches do not need to be elaborate of he isn't a great cook or doesn't enjoy it, soup and sandwiches are quick to whip up. Insist on having a nap one day a week and he takes the baby out. Do not do laundry everyday, I can't stress this enough. The sorting, washing , drying, folding and putting away are a lot of tasks just to get one chore ticked off. Save it for the weekend where he can help too. If you can afford to get a cleaner in or a ready meal service for the next few weeks. I would have suggested batch cooking before baby arrived so you didn't need to spend time cooking now. If you do want to cook, do simple meals, anything that can save you much needed time. Use your dishwasher if you have one.

At some point you need to talk to your dh about this situation and how it makes you feel. My dh isn't a brain surgeon or anything like that but he worked full time and still got up with both our kids two nights a week so I could get some much needed sleep. He did so because I am his wife and he could see I was on my knees from the lack of sleep, your partner is lacking in empathy for you. Either you are making yourself out to be superwoman and he genuinely doesn't see the effect this is all having on you or he is an idiotic arse, only you will know. Hope the situation improves for you!

This

@insideoutsider

I'll probably get flamed for this, but... I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed.

If I was on maternity leave, and had a partner, I would expect to look after the home while my partner brought in the money. Having someone to share the load with should involve you doing most of the childcare and cleaning and cooking, while he brings in most of the money.

But I know on MN, the partners that work out of the home are expected to come home to carry on working there too. So, you're probably not being unreasonable to expect that.

I think you're being a bit unfair here. I'm with you in believing that the parent who's at home all day should do the bulk of the housework, BUT, that doesn't mean that they can't have a break, ever. This woman's husband works, yes, but then when he's at home he gets a break. When does SHE get a break? He just needs to help with the baby a little bit to let her have a bit of a rest, or go out if she feels like it. Nobody is suggesting she should treat the man like a slave from dawn until dusk for goodness sake.

insideoutsider
I'll probably get flamed for this, but...
I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed.

I think this comment is disgusting OP is not a single mum first of all.

So if your not a single mum I suspect you should thank yourself lucky!

Those days have gone (Thank the Lord) where men just go to work and expect a spic and span house and he kids attended to.

You aren't looking after yourself at all, you're striving for some sort of standard and disappointed that there's no recognition or payoff.
He sounds totally emotionally withdrawn, was he always like this or is it new/worse since DC? Lots of men do this, basically the perfectionist type tend to freak out and withdraw because they're terrified of their new role as a dad. Which is obviously completely fricking useless but it is what it is and although seems unfair on the DP involved it's a real thing.

Putting it in terms of who is being reasonable won't get your family anywhere.

Start by looking after yourself. That includes asking him for help, appreciation, (affection?) when you need it.
And actually when you need it, not hours or days later when you have stewed over it and feel resentful.
Tell him how you feel, and if you can, try to get him to talk about how he feels. You need to build some closeness so you can support each other.
Good luck, sounds rough. Totally not unique to you tho, I'm sure your story isn't half as outing as you worry it might be

I'll probably get flamed for this, but...
I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed

By that logic OPs DH should be able to balance work and helping around the house then. If he was still single and lived alone he would surely have to do stuff around the house, unless he would be living in filth and never eating.

I can understand the need to sleep before shifts, but when he is on rest days he should be helping at night, or at least giving you some time in the day where he takes little one and you can relax (or whatever you want to do) for a few hours. I fell into a similar trap, I wasn't really sure what to do on mat leave as it was such a change from working full time, and I guess slipped into doing the housework, 99.9% of stuff for DS, and everything else- funny enough no complaints from DH. But it became unmanagable and I grew resentful, you really need to talk to him. Are you planning on going back to work? Definitely want to try and get it squared away before then, otherwise you'll be doing everything at home as well as working. Even if you aren't, he should be helping and definitely not criticising, if he thinks it's not clean enough he could always offer to help.

OP,
He sounds like a dick.
Any chance he has a bit of the "God syndrome" that some Consultants are known for🙄.

Why have you turned yourself into a skivvy during Mat leave?

Stop doing his lunches. No discussion. Just stop.
Organise a cleaner because he is a messy fxxk and you are not doing it any longer.

Start taking time to eat. You will become ill.

How exactly are you going to return to work when he does nothing and you do everything.

Stop breastfeeding so you can leave the baby with him.

Start exploring why you have assumed the role of skivvy.

He certainly doesn't sound nice, kind, or decent.

He sounds as if he has zero interest or involvement in his child.

Get your contraception sorted as it doesn't sound as if your marriage is in a good place.

You sound as if you need to stand up for yourself as he is treating you very poorly.

He can sit for three hours without a break, desperate for the loo, for a glass of water, for an adult conversation, inhaling the cheese and wee odour of sleeping baby. He can dare to shift a muscle and get screamed ta and try everything to soothe the baby. While you breeze in and out with a duster tutting at his slovenly ways.

Oh God, this is bang on.

My DP spends a lot of time travelling. The first 2 days when he's gone, the house slowly comes roughly up to scratch. Then it's lovely and tidy, and runs like clockwork until he gets home. The amount of extra mess and work that one adult can make is mad. Whereas when my MIL stayed for a month last Christmas, it was similarly mad how much work having an extra adult that pulls their weight saves.

Yes I have to agree not everyone can express I couldn't

My granny used to say "The floors will be there when the wains are reared." It is true absolutely! Wish I had not put so much pressure on myself at that time.

In terms of "throwing money at the problem" if that's an option available to you, there's not only cleaners there's ironing services, or full on laundering services (I used to work for one of these lots of pensioners as well as large hospitality companies use these) they collect your dirty laundry, wash, dry, iron and fold and even hang (shirts etc) the clean laundry and deliver back to you for a fee and from what I recall - and I've just checked locally and see it's still the case - it's usually pretty reasonable, less than £20 per load here, and often within 24 hours too.

Even if you only sent yours and his laundry and kept the baby's to hand I'm sure it would help, or even if you only used for 'linens' - bedding, towels etc

From watching USA tv shows and movies it seems fairly common there to use such services for shirts in order to get the shirts pressed, starched and hung.

I was in the office but I'd wander into the shop floor and they had contraptions shaped like a flat "person" which pressed and hung shirts etc using blows of steam in like 3 seconds per item! Genius stuff!

Definitely agree with getting groceries delivered - hell get everything delivered!

Even if you (both of you) still want to cook at least the evening meal, make them simple but nutritious - fresh pasta with pesto and salad, stir fries, freezer to oven jobs but with some veggies done in micro, take turns to batch cook possibly using slow cooker stews/casseroles/curries and freeze the leftovers so you've got "home made ready meals"

Given what you've said about time to eat/losing weight consider easy/quick but again nutritious options like soup (yes home made ideal and can be batch cooked and frozen but bought fresh or even tinned better than nothing, add cream and bread of some kind to bump up cals) smoothies, cereal (so many times I had cereal as a quick meal when dd was little), sandwiches made the evening before and stored in fridge - oh could make for you at same time as he makes his packed lunch as pp said.

Also things like pre-prepared or grab and go fruit and veg, cheese portions (baby bel that kinda thing), deli meat...

I wonder also if you're "tidying" all day - even I didn't do that! Left it all till 15 mins before exh was due home then flung all dds toys etc in a crate thing we got and used as a toy box, flung any laundry in laundry hamper, dishes in sink and anything of mine or exh (rare he left stuff lying to be fair) in a crate we had "live" at the bottom of the stairs in the daytime and took up with us when bathing dd (took turns, this was one of exh favourite jobs), then once dd was in cot/bed pottered putting that stuff away which also meant she heard we were still about (that's a whole other tale!)

As we're all saying - lower standards/remove the perfectionism.

Single parents have it tough in so many ways, but one bullet they've definitely dodged is being expected to wait hand and foot on another perfectly capable adult

This!

@insideoutsider I was a single parent and I managed everything on my own- no living family so no support either.

I survived, I did not thrive. Yes it is possible to raise a child, keep a house running and even return to work but it is incredibly draining and lonely. I now have a DH who likes me to have the opportunity to relax and pursue my own interests so looks after his SDC when he isn’t working despite not being technically obliged like a bio dad would be.

As an aside, as a single mum I did find if I left a room tidy and we all went out it would stay tidy- and all the food would still be in the fridge too...

One thing that aways gets me about men like your husband is that if he lived alone he'd have to do all the cooking/shopping/cleaning/laundry etc themselves as they'd be no one else to do it for them and they'd to do regardless of having a full time job.

They don't help at home not because they cannot or don't have time,it's because they won't and are entitled arseholes.

I'm guessing you're breastfeeding as you mention nipples.

I read somewhere that the hours spent breastfeeding in the first year is about the same hours as a full time job over a year. Not sure if it's true, BUT if it is it's worth thinking about. Actually it's his house and child as well, he needs to help.

He's lazy and being a dick to absolve himself of taking on the DCs.

I'd hand off the baby next Saturday morning and tell him you're off to have a few hours to yourself.

OP, I think your priority should be fixing the sleep issue. Without sleep, EVERYTHING will look awful and you'll start getting ill. What steps are you taking to address that? Sod that "HV says it's normal" bollocks. It might be normal (although mine both slept well from 10weeks) but it's not liveable, and you and your marriage won't survive.

To be honest, one baby is a lot of work but not insurmountable amounts of work, as long as you're getting enough sleep. Please start by addressing that.

How old is your baby?

Is it sleeping during the day?

Are you in a routine?

Did you need advice about sleep from posters here?

I’m so busy I can’t eat and I 100% put DH and DC before myself.

Stop this, stop putting the full-grown adult man ahead of yourself.

Stop being so ridiculous about food, why are you making your husband meals and packed lunches but not eating yourself?!

You need to eat, you're breastfeeding.

Your DH needs to be doing the cooking and putting together packed lunches for you and himself. And he needs to hold the baby while you eat your meal first. He gets to eat afterwards.

It does no-one any good if you run yourself into the ground and it doesn't help your baby thrive if you're starving yourself.

However you choose to do it he has to realise (and soon) that looking after a baby all day every day. It is challenging in every sense of the word. You have to really recognise your value here (because he certainly is not recognising it) and ensure steps are taken to take care of you. You are doing the most valuable job here, but also by far the hardest. Tell him what you need! Otherwise he will never get it and resentment will set in. Maybe when you do return to work and little one is sick or needs attention during the night, let him deal with it and then have to go to work. Sometimes people have to walk the walk to truly understand.

You're being completely reasonable. All you seem to want is a bit of appreciation, him not to criticise you and for him to pitch in now and then so you get a bit of a break and some bloody food. He should count his lucky stars!

I've been here OP, down to husbands job type and rapid weight loss. Like PP I made life as easy as possible for myself (got cleaner, used dummies) but I found I couldn't get the balance back until I went back to work PT at 6 months. 3 years later I'm on mat leave again and he's more respectful and helpful plus enjoys the children more. Our toddler is more entertaining to him than a young baby I expect. This is a really common problem with a lot of couples. I think my DH came around to my way of thinking very very slowly (not helped by his parents' dynamic)

OP you both sound lovely and a bit overwhelmed by the situation—you are breaking your back holding things together, he has a job that’s requires him to be on form 100% so I can see why being around mess or noise or anything that disrupts his routine is a professional worry for him—all the surgeons I know are similar.

You’re exhausted and at the end of your tether, it’s hard in that state to think about how to make things easier in the longer timer.

Honestly? The previous posters are right that you shops throw a bit of money at it. Think:
1: get a cleaner!!!! ASAP! Twice a week if necessary!
2: online shops with delivery! Don’t waste your time!
3: food: easy meals, or Deliveroo! Don’t waste your time on this. If the packed lunches are taking more than 2 mins, stop them!
4: laundry: either get the cleaner to sort or get hooked up with a delivery dry cleaner
5: timetable: get one for the fridge with everything pencilled in—e.g. when cleaner coming, food delivery, etc. Agree total timeouts for you and for husband, agree times when he spends a few hours with child alone, agree date night when family minds child (if you want).
6: time for yourself: pencil this in!! You must eat and you must have rest. There is an app where you can get hairdressers to come to the house for an appointment—this will make you feel like a woman again, and give you a bit of normality.

Talk to your husband about being a bit passive aggressive—you’re both doing it and it’a not a good dynamic, it tends to spiral. Put in place a clear plan for how to go forward, get his onboard in putting in place the above suggestions. It’s a big change for you both, and you sound like lovely people

I was married to a man like this. It was only when I was single that I realised that he was a massive dick. I saw a picture of me yesterday, not long had baby No. 3 and I look young and slim and lovely. I never heard that though, it was a constant stream of him being tired because of work, me not doing enough for him etc. These are dickish tendancies. Wake up and smell the bullshit.

Leave the cleaning and tidying for a while! Sounds as if you’re running yourself ragged trying to keep everything pristine.
Just leave it, or do the absolute minimum. Nobody will die, honestly.

I think on his days off you send him out for a couple of hours twice per day and tell him you need sleep... he cannot argue that is unreasonable!!!

The only thing you can do that he can't is breastfeed. Therefore he can look after the baby at any point on his days off until the child needs feeding.

he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house why does he not clean the house whilst he has the baby? He fully expects you to do that. If it is so easy, he can multi-task.

Stop letting him dictate how this goes. Lots of men will go for leisurely poos or insist on doing this DIY job or this bit of housework but it is walking away from the responsibility of actually parenting a child.

Put the just fed child into his arms and lock yourself in the bathroom/go to sleep and tell him you are available at X time, not when the baby starts crying but when they actually need feeding.

Ask him to take some annual leave or paternity leave or whatever he can to take time off to spend with his family.