Or is DH getting a much better deal???

[Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra]

NC as outing

I probably abu but I’m just beyond myself.

DH works FT (long hours shift work) and I’m on mat leave with DC. He gets limited time off and when he does I often end up taking DC out alone so that he can ‘do jobs’ - a lot of which is spent watching Netflix and snacking I suspect.

I do the majority of house stuff and all of the food shopping and cooking (including meals just for DH and his packed lunches). It just sort of happened when I went on mat leave. DH also gets 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep every 24 hours because ‘he’s working’.

DC has recently stopped sleeping at night (HV says normal) but it’s really hard. Last night I got 2 hours. I’m sleeping on their nursery floor out of desperation.

So I’m running around like a blue arsed fly, cleaning, shopping, hoovering, cooking, all on very little sleep and DH just seems to think I do nothing (he’s the silent type who doesn’t say anything unless promoted but his silence comes across very critical).

Today DH has the day off and I thought yay! After the horrific night I had he can give me a break. Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house, kept going on about how ‘dirty’ it is (it’s really not) and how if it weren’t for him we’d need a cleaner. He makes the majority of the mess and never picks up after himself. So he took himself off hoover in hand to the other side of the house and left me with DC screaming for no reason, throwing things and chewing my sore nipples and I just snapped with DH and got really mad.

It’s a large house, I do my bloody best and feel massively under appreciated. I’ve lost a stone since DC was born and was slim to start with. I’m so busy I can’t eat and I 100% put DH and DC before myself.

People who pop in (granted not many since CV) actually commented on how they can’t believe it’s so tidy with a small baby. I think I do really well and I hate that DH makes me feel like such a failure - intentionally or not.

I have the kind of job that always comes up in these threads as the reason why men must have undisturbed sleep. I go to work despite having had interrupted sleep. As do all of my female colleagues.

Also people who do those kind of jobs are actually well-used to inadequate sleep. There’s not a neurosurgeon on the planet who hasn’t had very significant sleep distribution for years of their training and yet continued to work. Mat leave was a lovely luxurious period of actually being in bed at night, not matter how briefly, for me.

For some reason it’s only getting up to a child that makes one incapable of working at a high level the next day. And only if you’re a man.

*sleep disturbance

Must be tired.....

I have a climbing partner like this, down to the consultant (surgeon) part. He's great to climb with but I pity his wife and would not want to live with him. He once tried to cast me in the role of Chief House Elf on a camping/climbing trip. NOPE. I sent him the list of stuff that I was bringing and said he needed to make sure he had the rest or I'd ditch him and find someone else to climb with. He was all like, 'What do I need to bring?' I threw it right back at him, 'Would you ask me that if I were a man, X?' Made sure I copied in his wife (I made sure I made the effort to get to know her, too, as he said she was grumbling about his 'other woman'. Oh, please! She now knows better . Said he's improved since becoming friends with me). He even laughs when people ask if we're together and I say, 'Hell no! He's a pig with shit taste in music!'

Nip this shit in the bud. Get some bulletproof contraception and go back to work, FT, and tell him, let's sit and divide up the work. Don't go outsourcing his share. Fuck that.

And if he doesn't buck up, leave.

If he tries to avoid the 'let's sit down and divide up the work' then you tell him, 'I tried. Evasive manoeuvres are useless with me so here's what I'll be doing. The rest is up to you. You leave it and it will be left undone.'

And FFS, stop making his lunch.

Prepare to walk the walk, too. If he's anything like my mate, you give him an inch and he'll take a mile, but only if you're a woman. He knows better than to try that shit on me. I don't climb any worse than he does because I have a vagina, in fact, I'm usually a smidge better than he.

I facilitated DH's career and got some stick for it, on here, in the playground, etc. But he was happy for me to have a cleaner and didn't expect sandwiches. He isn't always easy but he's moral, loyal and decent and I have never had to walk on eggshells and can tell him to belt up.

You know what @OhTheRoses - that sounds a pretty bloody good set up.

OP I am sorry - I don’t think you are better being unreasonable at all. The silent judgement and never getting a moment away from being completely responsible your baby is very, very hard.

I do always wonder about these MN situations, where we only get one side of the argument. That's not to say I don't believe you OP - of course not - but having kids can test even the best of relationships.

@eatsleepread

I do always wonder about these MN situations, where we only get one side of the argument. That's not to say I don't believe you OP - of course not - but having kids can test even the best of relationships.

There isn't an 'argument' and having kids requires both parties to step up and be bloody adults, realising it's a huge change and communicating openly and seeing each other as equals in a partnership.

@trixiebelden77 very well said!

As I said my ex had a role that was risky to do, dangerous even, as did my dad yet they both did "night duty" with their dc.

I know pilots, surgeons, police officers... who've also done their share of "night duty"

See I just don’t understand the whole I’ve lost a stone because I’m too busy to eat
Fuck sake woman, I’ve managed to have two children with a disabled husband who actually physically couldn’t do much , bf both dc and still managed to eat.
Just how big is your house that you’re so run ragged?
Sit on your arse and eat some food ,I’m surprised you’re milk has dried up if your not eating.

What always amazes me is how selfish men are in this situation.

Does he not realise or care that you're on your knees? He's quite willing to let you do EVERYTHING?

But why didn't you hand him the baby and go for a nap. Sounds like you want him to be psychic.

If DH and I want help we ask each other, I do things for DH and he does for me because we want to, we don't do this mind reader and if you put yourself last then you really only have yourself to blame.

If you are so busy why on earth are you doing his lunch for him?

When DS was little and I was not working I did the basics, the place remained mainly tidy because I have low standards and we did not have much stuff then (by choice!), I managed to throw together basic dinners, did one housework job a day (as long as it did not take more than about 20-30mins) and that was it.

If DH wanted different he would have had to do it himself, sure I get some babies don't sleep and maybe my memory is old but I don't remember needing to do much when DS was a baby extra, he was changed fed and the washing done when it got done what else are people doing?

I am not aiming this at the OP but I know some people like to live in show homes and run around doing a million things but I hear people complaining how busy they are with a newborn/baby and I think why?

He shoukd make his own breakfast & packed lunch: & an hour every night so you can catch your breath.Get all your shopping delivered. Look up one pot & one tray meals . Get a cleaner, taskrabbit has all price ranges & all levels from just a hoover/dust to full top to bottom. Your not eating needs to stop, get healthy snack bars, ready chopped veg etc . Cereal or toast is quick. He's an unsuportive arse, undermining you re the cleaning was just an excuse to avoid being with his child.

I don't know how old the OP's baby is but it isn't unusual to lose a stone when breastfeeding - with DS I was 4lb lighter than when I got pg by the time he was 8 weeks (though was quite unwell). Transferring him to bottles transformed him.

It's not about who.is getting a better deal, it's not a competition, it's about adapting to the situation.

You need to talk when you are both calm and agree on the routine but adding to this what happens when that routine is distabilised, you because you lack sleep, him if for I stance he is under more pressure at work.

You need to make it clear that when your baby goes through a bad sleeping bout, you are going to regress and do less due to tiredness. Same with him when he might need some time just for himself to recover from pressure.

You therefore need to better communicate and listen to each other instead to turning I to a who has it worse convinced that the other has the easy draw.

This is why so many seperate when the kids are little. Wish you good luck it will get easier when both regain a bit more control over your lives.

@Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd

If he tries to avoid the 'let's sit down and divide up the work' then you tell him, 'I tried. Evasive manoeuvres are useless with me so here's what I'll be doing. The rest is up to you. You leave it and it will be left undone.'

And FFS, stop making his lunch.

Prepare to walk the walk, too. If he's anything like my mate, you give him an inch and he'll take a mile, but only if you're a woman. He knows better than to try that shit on me. I don't climb any worse than he does because I have a vagina, in fact, I'm usually a smidge better than he.

You are so my type of woman.

Surgeons are right beauties to live with🙄.

My neighbour is one and his wife treats him like jesus christ.

By chance I saw HER get out of the car and put petrol in 😳....I knocked on his window so he knew I'd seen him🙄.

Surgeon, but certainly no gentleman.

@trixiebelden77

Tbh this is exactly what I keep thinking ‘how the bloody hell do his female colleagues do this job?’

DH’s answer ‘part time to avoid the rota instability’

I think the issue for me with DH is the inequality. He is a high earner with a ‘prestigious’ profession and I’m 6 years younger than him with an average wage and job. It’s not his fault he is older and more established but it has fostered this understanding (tbh mainly my doing I think) that he is the priority.

I’m very sensitive and care a great deal what he thinks of me (I need to learn to stop). I just feel like If I don’t let him sleep/feed him/keep him happy then he might make a mistake that could hurt someone and cost us our main income.

He is not a bad guy, he’s quiet and very reserved. I don’t think he would have initiated the way I have treated him but he didn’t stop me either, and now I’ve created a bit of a monster who just doesn’t put himself in my shoes

No, he's not a bad guy. Sounds a lot like my mate. But that doesn't exonerate a person from behaving like an adult and father. He has to be held accountable for that without dilly dallying round him. You have to stop enabling this with the hero worship. You're both parents here.

So you’re at home cleaning up HIS shit, making HIS dinner, HIS packed lunches, then when he comes in, he gets time alone and doesn’t speak to you, because he’s the big silent type?

Fml, why are you treating him like he’s another child?! Stop and make him participate in parenting HIS child and HIS mess/food requirements etc. You’re making a rod for your own back, STOP!

So yesterday I got sick and started coughing/temp
Luckily I got tested but no results yet.

Last night DH had DS for the first time (only brought him to me for one midnight feed) when he brought him in this morning DH flopped in the foetal position on the end of my bed whilst recounting exactly how many times DS had woken up (2-3 but settled back within 5 mins - not a bad night really) ‘I’m exhausted’ he said.

‘But you have the whole day off with DS, no job to go to, so I’m sure you’re not really THAT tired!’ I replied. I’m laid here in bed planning to go down at lunch time and make pointed comments about how messy the house is, then maybe ask if he can make my lunch since I’m unwell.

... Maybe a bit childish but I’m enjoying the thought

Definitely do that. Why wouldn't you.
Continue to feel weak and unwell.
Drag this out.

You have made a real skivvy of yourself in this relationship.....if it is to be reversed....you are going to have to be very firm.

Otherwise going back to work is going to be very difficult....while you work full time and do everything for your child and home.

Astounding that a doctor has no interest in his own child🙄

You need to look at him a little more clearly.

He's really no prize.

@billy1966

Oh no he does adore DS and when he is hands on he is fab! My issue is that if he got a full weekend off he would have one of those days to himself in his study (and not seem to appreciate it) then actually be ‘hands on’ for Parts of the second day.

I estimate he’s actually engaged in family life about 1/3 of the time he could be and isn’t super grateful for the 2/3 he gets off!

OP, I haven't read TFT, but it does sound like you need more support from him. If he has a demanding, full time job, I can understand that he may not be able to offer a great deal during working days, but he definitely needs to be doing half the parenting during his time off, including evenings (or his equivalent). You both deserve a rest and a break. If you are breastfeeding, there are other things he can do to contribute to parenting his child. For example, taking his baby in the mornings, when he's able, while you have a catch up on missed sleep. You need to sit down and have a proper conversation with him. So many men seem to have a completely false idea of what parenting is all about. He needs some educating in the absence of real life experience (as a result of the hours he works).

Any night you only get 2 hours or so of sleep, don't do any housework. Feed yourself, feed the baby, nap if possible, that's it. That's all you really can do if you haven't slept. Dh can cook a simple meal when he comes in or get a takeaway. He can clean the house or pay someone to clean it. Do not put your dh first, he can take care of himself at the moment, yes he works hard but he gets to sleep, he gets leisure time, he will be fine.