Or is DH getting a much better deal???

[Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra]

NC as outing

I probably abu but I’m just beyond myself.

DH works FT (long hours shift work) and I’m on mat leave with DC. He gets limited time off and when he does I often end up taking DC out alone so that he can ‘do jobs’ - a lot of which is spent watching Netflix and snacking I suspect.

I do the majority of house stuff and all of the food shopping and cooking (including meals just for DH and his packed lunches). It just sort of happened when I went on mat leave. DH also gets 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep every 24 hours because ‘he’s working’.

DC has recently stopped sleeping at night (HV says normal) but it’s really hard. Last night I got 2 hours. I’m sleeping on their nursery floor out of desperation.

So I’m running around like a blue arsed fly, cleaning, shopping, hoovering, cooking, all on very little sleep and DH just seems to think I do nothing (he’s the silent type who doesn’t say anything unless promoted but his silence comes across very critical).

Today DH has the day off and I thought yay! After the horrific night I had he can give me a break. Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house, kept going on about how ‘dirty’ it is (it’s really not) and how if it weren’t for him we’d need a cleaner. He makes the majority of the mess and never picks up after himself. So he took himself off hoover in hand to the other side of the house and left me with DC screaming for no reason, throwing things and chewing my sore nipples and I just snapped with DH and got really mad.

It’s a large house, I do my bloody best and feel massively under appreciated. I’ve lost a stone since DC was born and was slim to start with. I’m so busy I can’t eat and I 100% put DH and DC before myself.

People who pop in (granted not many since CV) actually commented on how they can’t believe it’s so tidy with a small baby. I think I do really well and I hate that DH makes me feel like such a failure - intentionally or not.

Ok you dont get sleep or time to eat - have you told him this

Talk to him tell him exactly how close to the edge you are

YOU are not a failure you are doing really well. But things have to let do and making him lunch/cleaning etc is too much for you.

You are definitely not being unreasonable and you are doing too much

He is being a dick- but in addition to what everyone else has said if you are EBF and not having time to eat you will end up struggling- you need to prioritise eating and drinking for yourself- no cleaning or making lunches for a fully grown adult is as important as that. I ended up in a cycle with my first child where sleep got worse, stress got worse, my weight loss got worse.. and its a repeating pattern.

Did he take paternity leave and was he helpful during it?

Could he take any time off now? If not, maybe he could take over at weekends in order to give you a break? You sound as if you are taking on too much.

What @Abouttimemum said. The reason men still treat us like it's 1950 is because we let them.

Hell to the fucking no. This is 2020. Night feeds should be shared, days off should be equal, unless men suddenly become able to have a baby they need to step the fuck up and do their share. A day at work is a dream compared to a day alone with a baby.

@insideoutsider

I'll probably get flamed for this, but... I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed.

If I was on maternity leave, and had a partner, I would expect to look after the home while my partner brought in the money. Having someone to share the load with should involve you doing most of the childcare and cleaning and cooking, while he brings in most of the money.

But I know on MN, the partners that work out of the home are expected to come home to carry on working there too. So, you're probably not being unreasonable to expect that.

I do this for 3 and work fulltime Monday -Friday -we are out of the house 6am to 6pm 5 days a week. But my kids pick up after themselves and do their job. I have a soup maker, slow cooker and I do not wash during the week. One wash Friday night, straight in tumble dryer, one wash saturday morning -straight in tumble dryer. No packed lunches -or school means or work dinner for me.

When I was married to rubbish ex, it was SO much harder -he ate all of the food, did no shopping, he added to the mess, and did sweet FA -if he hoovered the floor I was supposed to clap. So he made my workload x2 and did nothing to help. When on maternity leave -he left me to do everything 24/7 with no pay and no time off.

I would be having words. My DC are not being raised like this -they have to help. If my 6 year old can do the dog's water, empty the dishwasher neatly, empty the reclycing, put their clothes away and help WITHOUT being asked. So can someone else. Working full time -if he lived alone -he would need to do his own washing, cooking and cleaning -you aren't his 24/7 servant.

@Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra
I see your point. I guess it's different that you are both bringing home the bacon. Also, yes, he should appreciate the extra stuff.

Will you try hiring a cleaner so that the 'work' is less?

Sympathy for you . DH here works very long hours and so didn't help much with DS in the early days. He's stepped up a bit now (takes DS out every weekend, for example) but still doesn't do as much as he should around the house.

Some tips for making it better for yourself in the short-term?

• Stop doing anything that's just for your DH. Not maliciously but just don't make extra work for yourself. I'll do DH's washing if it's in the basket, but I don't hang out or fold his stuff. I don't shop for him, cook for him (he's back late during the week so we couldn't eat together anyway), iron for him or anything like that. If I had the time to do it, that would be extra downtime for me. Why should I do his chores when I get very little "me time" as it is?
• Go to bed early. Nap when LO naps. Don't get tempted into staying up late at weekends with your DH if he's not going to share lie ins or give you a break the next day. When DS was little, I'd go to bed at 7.30 quite often.
• Buy a big plastic box. Label it "DH's shit stuff". Don't bother clearing up anything of his or putting it away but just dump it in the box.
• Ignore any criticism. Blank him and retreat with LO to bed and shut the door. If he complains, just tell him you don't want to listen to it.
• Put LO in high chair/bouncer/pram in bathroom where you can see them and take a long hot bath with a new book. It's amazing how de-stressing this can be.

Long-term, you've got to sort this or it's going to be the end of your relationship, especially when you go back to work. He'll be working and doing nothing else, and you'll be working, then doing a "second shift" of childcare and housework. Resentment will fester and you'll feel in the end that your DH doesn't have your back, isn't really part of your life and treats you like a servant. Speaking (partly) from experience. We've had to do a lot to get things back on track here and we're still working on it.

Hi OP.

To me the main issue is that neither of you are very good at expressing your thoughts and needs. You are stretched and unhappy and mind read that he silently (mostly) criticises and who knows what he thinks really.

If you don't talk about the real issue (we need to learn to communicate and be open and vulnerable) you are both setting yourselves up for a marriage of quiet resentment and eventually irreparable distance. Avoidance is a tiny seed that grows into divorce in a few years.

@Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra

He could also stop behaving like I’m a lazy arse... that would be nice.

Maybe you should start being one and then he will know the difference

@MsKeats
Indeed. Having to look after kids AND an adult was a nightmare. My life became so much easier when I was alone with the kids.

OP, is there anything he does at home at all?
Also, why are you not eating? I assume you have 1 child?

I’m on maternity leave and don’t mind picking up some of the slack but...

When DH is home he needs to give me a break
He needs to have time with dc to bond and give me a break

I organise the food shop - but get it delivered I get it delivered ata time when he is home so he can do it incase I’m busy feeding baby

I struggle to express much but always keep an emergency bottle of premix formula on hand in case I need to go out.

For the first 6 weeks or so I didn’t cook any dinners. I was in cluster feeding territory so that was his job.
He wasn’t brilliant at some thinks so for a while I’d get premade dishes from cook or Charlie binghams.

I don’t have a big house so no need for a cleaner but I certainly don’t need to do any more cleaning now I’m on mat leave than I did before

On the days where breastfeeding was full on and I didn’t have time to make myself something to eat or the cupboards were frightful as waiting on a food shop I would either get Ubereats delivery or a friend would pop round with something.

Mat leave. MATERNITY leave. Not 1950s housewife leave. And you get paid for it, it brings in money.

Nip this shit in the bud, OP. NO MORE catering to him at all. Who wiped his arse before he met you?

Just stop that shit and make it clear, he steps up being an adult and parent or you're through.

Do NOT go part time or reduce your earning potential to enable a sexist bloke who thinks lifework is women's work. Go back to work FT. Divvy up the chores. He doesn't do his, it doesn't get done. He does them like shit, leave it.

OP I understand why you are in this situation as it’s so easy to fall into gender roles when you’re on mat leave. With my first that happened almost immediately- DH works long hours so he would come home to a clean house, dinner cooked, happy baby but DC1 was fairly chilled and I had plenty of down time when they slept and I’m a perfectionist so I quite enjoyed looking after the home.

With my second it’s been harder (lockdown, toddler as well as baby etc) and DH really stepped up. I have always done the night feeds with both as I do think the benefit of mat leave is you can nap or chill in the day and don’t really need to use your brain. But DH would get up early with both and do breakfast etc letting me get a good 4 hours solid sleep. Even now both sleep through but we take turns every day getting up with them both.

In terms of housework I do the lions share (we have a fortnightly cleaner- would highly recommend! If finances allow) so I just keep on top of stuff. DC1 is in nursery so again I have time now. On a weekend everything is very 50/50 and we both get time off (mostly in the evening I do an exercise class or meet friends most weeks).

I think it’s unrealistic expectations of him, but also perhaps lack of communication from you. Unless your child is the most horrendous baby ever presumably they nap in the day? Ignore housework- make sure you eat. If you aren’t sleeping well and not eating you will feel bloody awful. Maybe set a room a day to clean and a 20 minute timer to do it- I find it better than attempting the whole house at any time. When you make DH packed lunch make your own packed lunch so you aren’t prepping food it’s ready. For weekends explain that you both need downtime and allocate slots if you need to. Also make it clear he will be cooking more regularly (perhaps every weekend he can take over and you can do weekdays). It’s really hard as it’s old fashioned to expect to do everything but equally as I’m at home all the time I expect myself to do more housework as it makes sense.

How much parental leave will he be taking?

I'm guessing at the moment he has very little experience of the sheer relentlessness of a tiny baby, because he's never had to do it. And you taking the baby out of his way all the time isn't helping.

A better solution for his day off would have been that he looks after the baby all day (except feeding), and you get on with other chores. You need to leave him to deal with absolutely everything the baby needs (except milk) - entertaining, poops, rocking to sleep, dealing with melt-downs, cleaning up after cough-ups etc. And he should cook you both lunch/dinner at the same time.

Then he can do that one day every weekend. He needs to understand how much work babies can be, otherwise he'll never have a clue.

Get him a nice big box and put all his mess inside it, tell him your Soooo grateful for his help.
And after you tidy today go to your babies room , stay upstairs and rest, leave him to make his mess, when you come downstairs actually point out he is the problem.....

- Buy a big plastic box. Label it "DH's shit stuff". Don't bother clearing up anything of his or putting it away but just dump it in the box.

This saved my sanity when I did it.

It was the big box of stuff DP was too important to pick up.

I did all the other stuff too - not folding and putting away his washing, unless he'd done the same for mine/kids etc, but that box, just being able to get the place tidy, without making more work for myself, that was the thing that really helped me, and I think helped make it more clear to DP quite how much I was picking up after him. He hasn't greatly improved, but I have the proof, in that box, of how I am doing this stuff, and he isn't.

Stop waiting for him yo offer. Hand him the baby and walk to another room/upstairs/go out whatever.

I am currently upstairs painting, that means DP has DD, whether he wanted to or not.

There are a few solutions to this and the easiest route in the short term is to throw money at it.

My friend was on mat leave from being a head teacher, her husband also high up in school management. She got three months into mat leave and thought "fuuuck this" and got a cleaner in, had her food delivered, outsourced the ironing etc so she could focus the majority of her time on the baby. Worked brilliantly.

Honestly making his lunches has to stop. Stop raising him, he's not your son. You've decided to have children together which means you both should look after them and enjoy them. When do you get to enjoy being a mum? or being a person?

Men can be so stupid about raising children. They need to be told, not by exhausted tearful wives who already feel undermined, but told by society generally that having a newborn is a new full time job. Apparently doing nothing - holding the baby while it sleeps or hours spent breastfeeding, is exhausting. It's boring and draining and time consuming. It is a job. So the household jobs need to be divided up and shared out without judgement. And if what you do is so easy, he can do it. He can sit for three hours without a break, desperate for the loo, for a glass of water, for an adult conversation, inhaling the cheese and wee odour of sleeping baby. He can dare to shift a muscle and get screamed ta and try everything to soothe the baby. While you breeze in and out with a duster tutting at his slovenly ways.

You always get some posters on threads like @VickySunshine and @insideoutsider.

Read the OP. She isn’t saying she wants him to do all the nights and all the cleaning and cooking in addition to working FT. I literally can’t see where you got that from.

She is saying that:
A) she facilitates her DH to have a lot of time to himself but he doesn’t reciprocate, so she gets no time to herself whatsoever and she is exhausted;
B) she would like her DH to spend some time bonding with the child he is half responsible for creating - presumably of his own volition - which would have the effect of giving her some down time;
C) she would like her husband to treat her with respect and appreciation.

Fuck me. If those are unreasonable demands to make of a man in 2020 then I despair.

He can sit for three hours without a break, desperate for the loo, for a glass of water, for an adult conversation, inhaling the cheese and wee odour of sleeping baby. He can dare to shift a muscle and get screamed ta and try everything to soothe the baby. While you breeze in and out with a duster tutting at his slovenly ways.

This. 1000 times over. When I was on mat leave I fantasised about this so many times.

Mine are grown up now op but I have always done all the shopping cooking and domestic stuff. And the house was always need when dh got in. Yes he did have a job on a par with brain surgeon. However he always was happy to pay the cleaner because he wasn't prepared to share it and I wasn't brought up to do it.

Why why why do women put up with this shit!?!

Op him working is NOT an excuse for him to not pull his weight at home when he is at home.

Yes it’s reasonable that you do more at home than him but not ALL of it.

In addition there’s absolutely no good reason why he can’t at the very least give you a break on his days off (are these at weekends or random due to the shift work?) so you can catch up on REST/SLEEP and NOT housework.

Also you (both!) need to lower your standards and/or get a cleaner in if this is affordable/possible (not sure if allowed in current restrictions?), a spotless large home and a baby are not compatible - somethings gotta give!

I say this as someone with NOW dx ocd who’s home was far too clean and tidy when dd was little and I was a frazzled mess who ended up having a breakdown a couple years later to which I’m sure that nonsense contributed, in my case though my then dh actually tried to get me to relax a bit to no avail.

Exh (army, high risk/stress role definitely a “safety critical role”) also used to when dd was a baby

Take baby off me for a break as soon as he got in from work - though admittedly I would then be doing things like making dinner

Couldn’t do night feeds (bf) but did share night wakings for other reasons - nappy changes, teething, colic...

Get up early with baby each morning to let me sleep/rest a bit longer - he’d have her with him while he got ready chat away to her but also exercised using her as a “weight” which she found highly amusing

We took turns having a lie in at weekends/his days off - I was bf initially so I might briefly be interrupted for that but otherwise he’d take her downstairs to play quietly, feed her breakfast etc sometimes he’d take her a walk/to park especially if she was whinging for me or being noisy.

Now my exh has his faults, that’s why he’s an ex, but the way your oh is behaving is totally unreasonable and you need to stand up for yourself and say so and discuss with him in an assertive way a new regime where he is more supportive.

He is baby’s parent and the other adult in the home making the mess too - he doesn’t get to leave it all to you!

He can certainly make his own sodding lunch and meals when you’re not eating same time as him!

I'll probably get flamed for this, but...
I wonder how single parents who go to work full time, collect the baby from nursery, make all the meals, do all the cleaning, work out of the home 9hrs a day, manage to cope to keep their homes clean and themselves and children fed. cos then have to!

I didn’t become a single parent until dd a toddler but there’s an element of it being easier even if ex wasn’t a lazy arse just because there are fewer people making mess and if it’s just you then you just crack on!

@insideoutsider - why shouldn’t the parent doing paid work outside the home also contribute to the unpaid work done inside the home? It’s their home, their family too. If op also worked outside the home doing paid work so they were both working does that mean when they’re both home they don’t need to do the chores or care for baby?

I deserve time off too! absolutely!

I would be having words. My DC are not being raised like this -they have to help. If my 6 year old can do the dog's water, empty the dishwasher neatly, empty the reclycing, put their clothes away and help WITHOUT being asked. So can someone else. Working full time -if he lived alone -he would need to do his own washing, cooking and cleaning -you aren't his 24/7 servant.

Totally agree

As a working single mum myself when dd was younger she too was expected to help out and learned to do chores depending on age, ability, safety etc

I’ve been flamed on here before for “forcing” her to do this (which I didn’t! She’s a good kid who understood why I did this and quite enjoyed certain jobs) which is nonsense and she herself has said on several occasions she’s glad I did this as by the time she had her own place she was confident, capable and efficient at household chores - many of her peers reached the age of 18 not knowing how to do a laundry, make even the most basic meals behind ready meals, a few weren’t even ALLOWED to deal with anything hot/sharp until they were 18! Ridiculous!

Long-term, you've got to sort this or it's going to be the end of your relationship, especially when you go back to work. He'll be working and doing nothing else, and you'll be working, then doing a "second shift" of childcare and housework. absolutely

@monkeyonthetable - totally disagree! They know full well it’s a tough job that’s why they avoid it like the plague! Don’t give them excuses! Healthy cognitively able adults KNOW that babies and homes don’t take care of themselves!