Or is DH getting a much better deal???

[Ibelieveinathingcalledlyra]

NC as outing

I probably abu but I’m just beyond myself.

DH works FT (long hours shift work) and I’m on mat leave with DC. He gets limited time off and when he does I often end up taking DC out alone so that he can ‘do jobs’ - a lot of which is spent watching Netflix and snacking I suspect.

I do the majority of house stuff and all of the food shopping and cooking (including meals just for DH and his packed lunches). It just sort of happened when I went on mat leave. DH also gets 7-8 hours of undisturbed sleep every 24 hours because ‘he’s working’.

DC has recently stopped sleeping at night (HV says normal) but it’s really hard. Last night I got 2 hours. I’m sleeping on their nursery floor out of desperation.

So I’m running around like a blue arsed fly, cleaning, shopping, hoovering, cooking, all on very little sleep and DH just seems to think I do nothing (he’s the silent type who doesn’t say anything unless promoted but his silence comes across very critical).

Today DH has the day off and I thought yay! After the horrific night I had he can give me a break. Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house, kept going on about how ‘dirty’ it is (it’s really not) and how if it weren’t for him we’d need a cleaner. He makes the majority of the mess and never picks up after himself. So he took himself off hoover in hand to the other side of the house and left me with DC screaming for no reason, throwing things and chewing my sore nipples and I just snapped with DH and got really mad.

It’s a large house, I do my bloody best and feel massively under appreciated. I’ve lost a stone since DC was born and was slim to start with. I’m so busy I can’t eat and I 100% put DH and DC before myself.

People who pop in (granted not many since CV) actually commented on how they can’t believe it’s so tidy with a small baby. I think I do really well and I hate that DH makes me feel like such a failure - intentionally or not.

Can you get a cleaner? That would help. But I do think you should talk to him, he needs to spend time with his child. It’s understandable that you do more work at home, but he should still be doing his share and be appreciative of the things you do

OP - this is a very typical situation that you and your DH are in so -

1. Give yourself a break.
2. Yes, it would be great if he could do something in the nights, but the fact is, he can’t because your baby is BF and will only keep crying for you anyway. No point in you both being up.
3. Yes, it’s tough with no sleep, but just go with it for this phase. It won’t last forever. We’ve all been there. Maybe just focus on you and the baby and if you do manage to get anything else done, it’s a bonus. But be kind to yourself.
4. At least you don’t have other DC and need to be up and out for the school run.
5. If he is some kind of doctor / surgeon, he does need his sleep more than you - at this time. Sorry. You can nap with the baby in the day if need be.

However, what you have here, I think, is a typical case of “dad avoidance” behaviour - ie. they have no idea how to “be” with the baby for longer than 5 mins. They can’t feed him / her; they feel silly singing or playing or walking around and around and frankly, it’s too boring for them. But they can’t admit that obviously, so they create other tasks ie. cleaning / DIY. It’s a defence and a distraction from their own incompetence at being hands on / face to face with the baby. I know this well. I’ve had 4 DC and DH was frequently doing other, extraneous tasks. They just don’t get it.

So, talk to him. If he’s in a medical field, he’ll be aware of PND, won’t he. Tell him you feel on the edge of sanity and it’s not about who works hardest. It’s about a mental break. Everyone needs a change of scene to keep sane. You just need a bit of “hands free” time , out if earshot of the baby for a while. That’s what you NEED. It’s not about cleaning etc, because you are currently too worn down to even think beyond the endless feeding and when you’re sleep-deprived, you kind of shut down. This is what he needs to hear. Hope you can work this out.

And yes, definitely get a cleaner! Today.

When is he taking care of his child? Does he ever bath, cuddle, play, take baby for a walk, etc..?

Honestly I’m so touched by how many women have been in similar situations, it’s makes me feel like much less of a ridiculous mess.

It’s just evolved since having DC. Everything is so much more practical and transactional. Both of us are just about keeping grass above water, him professionally and me at home. He’s not a ‘bad’ guy he’s just not crediting how much better of a deal he has compared to me.

• Where are people ordering food from? I’ve tried Sainsbury’s (our usual supermarket) several times and they’re crap! Awful dates, loads unavailable, saying they’ve delivered stuff that’s not there! I end up having to go to the shops anyway so it feels pointless ordering.
• We could just about afford a cleaner (I’m about to drop to SMP so would be tighter then) but we live pretty rural (30 mins from city but no cleaning firms cover) and the only local cleaner I’ve found is totally full and not taking more due to Covid. I don’t think we could get one tbh!

I do need to simplify, less cooking, less cleaning, better organisation and communication. We do have a big issue with communication, as I mentioned earlier, DH is the silent type.

Name change fail

Your on maternity leave your not a SAHM. Your recovering from carrying a baby for 9 mths and giving birth. Then trying to manage breast feeding and dealing with sleep deprivation. It isnt time for a man to think because your not physically at work that means you morph into a 1950s housewife. Your not helping yourself here either by effectively doing just that. Enjoy your time off, take your baby to mother and baby clubs, let your DH come to a messy house, let him make his own packed lunch, and make your dinner. Does he truly think you shouldnt be contributing to the new arrival? You both made a baby and he needs to step up...

sorry typo it should read doe he truly think he shouldnt be contributing

"Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house"

Did you say actually no, I'm really tired, I could really do with you looking after DC for a couple of hours while I get some rest.

I think you need to communicate with him OP and make it clear what you need. If he's still a dick after that it's a different story.

Instead he decided I could look after DC whilst he cleaned the house

Why couldn't he do both? That's what he expects you to do right?

I don’t understand why when he said he was going to clean the house, you didn’t say no, you take DC today I need a break.

I don’t understand why when he said he was going to clean the house, you didn’t say no, you take DC today I need a break.

The OP’s husband sounds very passive aggressive. I don’t believe him cleaning the house was to help, but to make her feel even more rubbish about herself and the situation, so no doubt he would not have listened. He sounds a bit of a bully. What he should be saying is Ok - what is it you need right now, what can I do to help. A spotless house should be the last thing on the agenda right now

@ImSleepingBeauty

I did say ‘I’m exhausted can you take him’ but DH mumbled about the jobs needing doing whilst heading upstairs.

He wanted to do the jobs that’s the long and short of it. He knew I wanted help.

If you have amazon prime you can order from Morrisons from there. It's not a full selection but great to keep things tied over and over £40 free delivery next day .

I also have amazon prime to order wipes/nappies/chocolate/teabags in bulk so I dont need to get them elsewhere.

Or use boots to order in bulk if you use Pampers when they do the 5 packs for £25

"Silent type"? Seems like he is telling you loud and clear, just in a way that undermines everything you are doing.

Damn lazy type more like

Oh sod it I'm bad at name changing, won’t try and do it again

Sainsburys are shit, I was a loyal customer of theirs but in the past year their service has seriously deteriorated.

Tesco and ASDA are better.

I did say ‘I’m exhausted can you take him’ but DH mumbled about the jobs needing doing whilst heading upstairs

You need to be more assertive

He needs to stop being a passive aggressive arse!

Silent type or sulky type? The former isn't great but may be due to introversion etc the latter is abusive

Is your DH a barrister?

So he's a sulking bully when you don't behave exactly how he wants.

Protect yourself OP.

Reach out for support.
Better still, go and stay with family and tell them how your Doctor of a husband couldn't give a damn about his wife who has recently given birth and expects her to fill the role of fulltime skivvy while she's on Mat leave.

Because his work is fxxking important 🙄

You mind yourself and your baby OP, because he certainly isn't.

TBF my DH would have got upset if the house was untidy so I get that. Also know what having a baby that doesn't sleep is like.

I found one baby relatively manageable (once I switched to bottles at 8 weeks). DH had a full on job so I did cover nights and domestic stuff. He Sort of learnt a bit as we both got more experienced and I usually got a lie in on Saturdays until 8ish and he got some space Sundays when I took the DC to church.

When dd came along we literally lived on chicken, coleslaw and new potatoes for 6 weeks.

The crunch came when the DC were about 6 and 3 and he was in the habit of announcing on a Friday night or Saturday morning what he would be doing: work, racing, football, etc. And one day the worm turned and before he had a chance I told him I would be going out on Saturday and I scanned off leaving him with instructions for drop off and pick- ups at parties and other children who had to be collected and said I'd be back when the dc were in bed.

I went to some galleries, Harrods, Harvey Nicks, wandered up and down Regent Street and took some bus rides, a bit tearfully to drag out the day and make sure I didn't get home until after teatime, bath and bed.

He was absolutely exhausted when I got home, suggested a take away and we never discussed it again although he was a little less entitled from then.

Unashamedly I facilitated his career but although he can be a selfish arse he isn't a completely selfish arse. We did have a period of 18 to 24 months when he spent more time overseas than at home and although I had to do pretty much everything, there was also one less human to look after and truth be told although he is a particular fuss pot who likes everything in its place and can whinge on, he does make a bloody mess and create more work than he realises. And when he was away the DC and I could have a picnic on a blanket in the sitting room watching a film and he wasn't there to whinge about the crumbs.

TBF my DH would have got upset if the house was untidy so I get that

These men could always help tidy if they find it so upsetting.

They could Fluffalo but from before DS was born until about 5 years ago (so for nearly 25 years), DH left the house before 7am and got back after 9pm - sometimes later. There were times when he had to give work his 100% attention and would work until 2am in the morning and whizz out at 7am. We worked on the whole as a team. I took the domestic load and our individual input was fair and even when I went back to work my combined job and domestic load were less than his.

@OhTheRoses

They could Fluffalo but from before DS was born until about 5 years ago (so for nearly 25 years), DH left the house before 7am and got back after 9pm - sometimes later. There were times when he had to give work his 100% attention and would work until 2am in the morning and whizz out at 7am. We worked on the whole as a team. I took the domestic load and our individual input was fair and even when I went back to work my combined job and domestic load were less than his.

I think, if you have particular standards, you can’t expect others to match them. For example, I am obsessively tidy about the kitchen. I hate going out without it being immaculate. DH likes it tidy, but doesn’t mind coming back to it. And will tidy... to his standard.

So that’s why I get up and do it before we leave. Whereas he likes the lawn etc done - I couldn’t care less. It’s low down my priorities so he does it.

My point being, If it matters that much to somebody, as long as it’s not gross (which it doesn’t sound like it is!!) the OP shouldn’t be expected to meet somebody else’s standard on top of everything else!

The thing is, if you let this go on, it will continue when you return to work.

You need to make yourself very clear here, there is no room for just expecting him to get the message, you have to spell it out .

My second was a bad sleeper, well to say that implies she slept at all, which she really didn't, she has never in her life had a daytime nap for instance (despite what a pp says about all babies napping), and I could hardly function never mind do anything around the house. DH just had to suck it up frankly.

@CakeRequired

You need to express some milk, hand him the baby and walk out for an entire day. Leave him to it all. If it's so easy, he can manage surely?

Absolutely! My DH was great but my DD2 was a screaming nightmare all day until she was 6 months old. I used to get up at 7.30 every Saturday and disappear to a local city for the entire day. I just pottered around the shops, had a coffee and sandwich and generally faffed around until about 5 pm. My DH really appreciated what I did at home every day in the week. He worked incredibly hard but loved his job and never seemed to think that his role was in anyway better than mine. I think he knew that if I went back to work with a two year old and screaming baby he would have to pick up even more flack! I would pick up all the shit he has left lying around and dump it in either his car or on his pillow, childish I know but s9metimes men need visual clues!! Don’t let him undermine you or make you lose confidence in yourself, it’s a tough time and it will get better. 💐