My daughter just told me she thinks she is a lesbian.

[DamnIvy]

So, after school today, my 10 year old daughter asks me if it's ok to have a girlfriend when your 10. It took me a little off guard, and I told her that I think that 10 is too young for girlfriends or boyfriends. After a few minutes, she then tells me that she really likes a girl in her class, she said she 'like, likes her'. I asked if the girl was a close friend, thinking that she may be mixing up feelings. But it turns out to be a girl that she doesnt get on particularly well with. She then says that she thinks she is a lesbian.

I had no idea what to say. I basically told her that she is a little young to be thinking about girls or boys. But assured her that being happy is all that matters and that we love her no matter what.

Was I wrong for not talking more about it. I didnt want to lead her into conversation that she was happy talking about, it could be phase or mixed up feelings after all. I also have NO idea on how to talk about this with her.
It's not something I had ever thought about, I know some mums say that they have always known, I havnt. She only really plays with boys and isnt overly girlie. But that's just her. I was the same. But I'm reading things saying that that is a sign.

Either way, whatever path she takes in life, we will support her all the way. I'm just looking for anyone with experience with young children with this. So I can support her better in the future.

So aibu thinking that 10 is just too young to think, or know even, that you are gay?

What would you have said had she said “I think I like this boy” ?

Just tell her it's normal to have crushes on boys or girls at her age. Didn't you have them too?!

DS said something silimlar at the same age, and I dealt with it in a similar way, two years on and he has a passion for a cute girl with curly hair. I told him he can always talk to me and he still does. I think he was confusing friendship and admiration with fancying, and didn’t actually feel attracted to anyone until recently. I think some people know they are gay from a much younger age actually, but there also seem to be a lot of kids that don’t yet know how they feel.

I would have told her that she is only 10. Same answer really I suppose.

I do remember having crushes at that age yes.
I'm just wondering if my daughter is looking for more support with this really.

I don't think 10 is too young tbh, I remember having crushes on boys at that age. If it were my child I would probably just say that as long as she's happy, I'm happy and would leave it at that.

Honestly I think you handled it well and wouldn't be worrying about it.

It’s quite normal to have crushes at that age. Just say to her what you would say if she said she liked a boy.

My childhood best friend came out to me when we were v young - about your daughters age. He said he never had romantic thoughts about girls, always his those little childhood crushes on our friends oldest brothers etc

Crushes at 10 are normal. She brought it up so she obviously wanted to talk about it

Would you think it was a phase or mixed up feelings if it was a boy?
I think you handled it well for her age but not so much re the being gay. Just don't say to her it could be 'mixed up feelings'. When she's old enough, go with it

I feel maybe what you said was a bit dismissive. 10 isn't too young to have a crush on someone! It's not the same as having a relationship - it's more like practising those feelings so that you can have relationship in your teens. I had crushes on both sexes at that age and it turns out I'm bisexual. It doesn't have to be either/or.

I knew at 10. Or at least definitely had those feelings and was questioning whether they were normal.

I think ten year olds do start to feel attraction for others. Not all ten year olds but a significant proportion.

I think telling her she’s ‘only ten’ might have sounded dismissive of her feelings. I would suggest coming back to the conversation and telling her that her feelings are completely ok and that whatever feelings of attraction she develops as she starts to become a teenager, you are there to support her. And that you’re pleased she could share her feelings and thoughts with you.

Then allow it to be seen openly that you are not homophobic. Talk about gay friends if you have any, just casually. Say ‘their partner’ or ‘their boyfriend or girlfriend’ to show that you consider both acceptable and equal. Be an ally.

I specifically remember being 10 years old and having the strongest crush on a girl I barely knew / spoke to in the year below.
Felt nervous around her and slight butterflies - I've never had it since ! I'm straight and happily married.

I just think I had a chemistry attraction or my brain was working things out - who knows ! I think you handled the conversation well as it must have taken you by surprise and I would not over think it for the moment.

I still aged 41 occasionally think about that girl and how it was a funny time !
Nothing difficult was going on in other parts of my life it just was what it was !

If people can know they like boys at 10, why can't your DD know she likes girls at the same age?

...10 isn't too young for crushes at all, kids get crushes much, much younger.

Tbh, it sounds like you were quite dismissive of how she's feeling, by telling her she's too young. You might think she is, but that doesn't help her at all.

If i were you, I'd go back to her, apologise, say you sometimes forget how grown up she is, tell her "like, liking" people is really normal for her age, and ask her what this girl is like, what she likes about her. Ask her if she wants to talk more about how she feels, and really listen to what she says rather than dismissing it.

My parents told me i was too young to know anything about it when i told them i wanted to marry a girl. I was 9, and it took me almost a decade to be brave enough to bring it up again.

My daughter told me that she was bi-sexual when she was 10.

When she was 12, she told us, her mistake, she was gay.

That was nearly five years ago.

They had grown up knowing that some girls like girls, some girls like boys, some girls like both, and the same about boys. We have gay friends, and gay family.

It was still a big deal for her to tell us, and knowing my earnest little dots, something she'd put a lot of thought into, and did not do lightly.

We treated it respectfully, we didn't intimate we thought she was too young to know her own mind, or own body, thanked her so much for feeling she could tell us. It's a huge part of her identity, and she's felt safe in being open about being gay, and openly expressing that. Which has been great when she's felt comfortable coming home and telling us about some homophobic opinions being expressed in the school, and we've been able to pass that on to the school, who have used that information to raise awareness that homophobia isn't something people just have to put up with.

I'll dismount my hobbyhorse now. . .

You did the important bit

’assured her that being happy is all that matters and that we love her no matter what.’

As for the rest, who knows? I don’t think it’s too young to know you like like someone but whether your DD grows up to be straight, gay, bi? She’s got loads of time to figure that out.

I think it’s normal (or at least common) at 10 to have crushes on either sex, and it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about future sexuality? On the other hand I do think some kids know from a young age that they are gay.

Did she seem like it was something she needed to talk through OP? I think if it was just an offhand comment I wouldn’t worry about it and move on, but if she brought it up in a way that suggested it was on her mind and she wanted to discuss it, then why not have more of a chat with her? I get that you don’t want lead her into a conversation, but equally you don’t want to dismiss her if she brought up something that feels important to her and she wants to discuss.
It sounds like what you said was good though!

I was quietly fascinated with a girl when I was 10. Its normal. Doesnt mean she's definitely gay or straight. Hope she knows youre not dismissive of her feelings. Its important that she knows she's safe to talk to you.

Me and said girl are now both lesbians but ot took me time to work that out.

My 9 year old had a crush on her teacher which made me feel uncomfortable but no I don’t think 10 is too young for crushes

Oh, just to add, she later told us, that her telling us she was bi-sexual, was her way of testing the waters, to see how we'd be likely to react if she told us she were lesbian. She already knew at 10 she was lesbian.

You're doing your best, and sound like a lovely mum.

But if she'd told you she liked a boy, would you have said that you would love her "no matter what"?

Maybe, in order for her not to think you have dismissed her feelings, you could say, another time, "Tell me more about the girl that you like in your class" or something like that. Or ask a question about her. Then let DD talk naturally.

I remember having a huge crush on Phoebe from Neighbours when I was ten. But I also fancied Todd. Turns out I am definitely bisexual.
She may know her own mind at ten (I am sure she does). The fact that she confided in you is really good. I could never talk to my parents about that kind of thing so the fact that she has talked to you about it, is a really good sign.

OK, so I was in this position with DD at 12
I told her, she needs to go away, think about it herself, get her head round it, and then come tell me but no matter what, she is my DD and I love her.
And a few months later she did indeed tell me she was a lesbian
She is actually a lot happier now.
When you know, you know.
Support, love, hugs and an understanding that things may change is all that is needed. It changes nothing.

10 is definitely not too young to know you are gay. I "knew" when I was about 5, though wouldn't have been able to articulate it clearly.

No I don’t think it is too young to know you are gay. I had crushes on boys younger than that and so have known since much younger that I am not gay, so no reason she wouldn’t she know she is gay.

My gay friend told me once he knew when he was 7 that he was attracted to boys not girls. But I think most people take a little while to work out who they are and their sexuality is part of that.

I wouldn't worry too much, you sound like a lovely supportive mum.