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AIBU?

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Original poster

My daughter just told me she thinks she is a lesbian.

140 replies

DamnIvy · 25/09/2020 17:36

So, after school today, my 10 year old daughter asks me if it's ok to have a girlfriend when your 10. It took me a little off guard, and I told her that I think that 10 is too young for girlfriends or boyfriends. After a few minutes, she then tells me that she really likes a girl in her class, she said she 'like, likes her'. I asked if the girl was a close friend, thinking that she may be mixing up feelings. But it turns out to be a girl that she doesnt get on particularly well with. She then says that she thinks she is a lesbian.

I had no idea what to say. I basically told her that she is a little young to be thinking about girls or boys. But assured her that being happy is all that matters and that we love her no matter what.

Was I wrong for not talking more about it. I didnt want to lead her into conversation that she was happy talking about, it could be phase or mixed up feelings after all. I also have NO idea on how to talk about this with her.
It's not something I had ever thought about, I know some mums say that they have always known, I havnt. She only really plays with boys and isnt overly girlie. But that's just her. I was the same. But I'm reading things saying that that is a sign.

Either way, whatever path she takes in life, we will support her all the way. I'm just looking for anyone with experience with young children with this. So I can support her better in the future.

So aibu thinking that 10 is just too young to think, or know even, that you are gay?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 25/09/2020 18:47

My little step sister rang me sobbing when she was 10 to tell me that the girls in her class now hated her - shecouldnt bring herself to tell me it was because she'd come out to them and they made fun of her. She told me about 7 years later she was gay when I went to visit her, and said that that was what she'd wanted to tell me all those year ago. I think so.e children know earlier, some later, but of course it's possible to know.

perfumeistooexpensive · 25/09/2020 18:47

I had a massive crush on an older girl at school when I was 14. Never crossed my mind that I could be a lesbian. When I was 16 I discovered boys and that was my future. It's far to young to label anyone

Nenevalleysigns · 25/09/2020 18:47

At the moment being straight and white in school is about the Uncoolest status you can have. Someone else wrote that on a similar thread.

My just turned 13 year old said she thought she might be gay but then changed her mind.

A few months later turns out she was just worried her best friend (since infant school) had also declared she was gay (bi) and she didn’t want to lose her friendship so the pair of them decided they were in a relationship. They barely saw or spoke to eachother over lockdown...

The way kids talk about gender fluidity and sexual orientation is no different to how they talk about anything else ; they think they know it all already. It’s topical, it’s a way to express yourself and be accepted, and it’s rampant. According to my DD nearly everyone in her class isn’t straight (roll eyes emoji). She doesn’t even know the right word for it...she called it being ‘street’ Grin

Expressing yourself -fuelled by social media - is the in thing, and what better way to get attention than declare you’re gay. Nobody is going to bat an eyelid if you declare you’re straight. But being gay is seen as rad by young teenagers.

How much is your 10 year old influenced by your views on sexual orientation? What do you let her watch or read at home about it? Where is she getting information about homosexuality in order to form an opinion on it at such a young age?

Belladonna12 · 25/09/2020 18:48

I knew I liked boys at that age so I don't think it too young to know that she likes girls.

Sk1nnyB1tch · 25/09/2020 18:50

Honestly I would be more worried that she "likes likes" someone she clashes with.
Opposite or same sex, healthy attraction should be fun and happy not strife and angst.
At least until she is much much older than 10.

mbosnz · 25/09/2020 18:52

Hmmmm, mine were 'expressing themselves' - not on social media, they were too young for it, and in a region in NZ renowned for its conservatism.

And when they came over here, they actually heard more homophobic opinions loudly opined in school than they ever did here.

They didn't define their sexuality to be 'cool'. They did it to explain who they are.

Catchingbabies · 25/09/2020 18:52

I knew I was gay at 10, had a huge crush on a class friend. Took me another 7 years before I was comfortable and confident saying yep definitely gay. I think you handled it well, too young to label herself but letting her know it’s ok is the best way to be .

oakleaffy · 25/09/2020 18:52

Crushes are very normal at that age- used to be called “ Having a Pash” on someone.
Both sexes get crushes , totally normal. 💕

Eckhart · 25/09/2020 18:55

@Sk1nnyB1tch

That's how kids sometimes express themselves sometimes when they have burgeoning sexual attraction. Traditionally, boys pull girls' hair in the playground, then the next year up in school, they're 'in love'. I'm not advocating bullying, but I don't think this situation indicates a propensity for unhealthy attraction. The pattern is as old as the hills.

It's quite possible that they're causing each other issues because there's mutual attraction.

Asterion · 25/09/2020 18:57

@Nenevalleysigns

At the moment being straight and white in school is about the Uncoolest status you can have. Someone else wrote that on a similar thread.

My just turned 13 year old said she thought she might be gay but then changed her mind.

A few months later turns out she was just worried her best friend (since infant school) had also declared she was gay (bi) and she didn’t want to lose her friendship so the pair of them decided they were in a relationship. They barely saw or spoke to eachother over lockdown...

The way kids talk about gender fluidity and sexual orientation is no different to how they talk about anything else ; they think they know it all already. It’s topical, it’s a way to express yourself and be accepted, and it’s rampant. According to my DD nearly everyone in her class isn’t straight (roll eyes emoji). She doesn’t even know the right word for it...she called it being ‘street’ Grin

Expressing yourself -fuelled by social media - is the in thing, and what better way to get attention than declare you’re gay. Nobody is going to bat an eyelid if you declare you’re straight. But being gay is seen as rad by young teenagers.

How much is your 10 year old influenced by your views on sexual orientation? What do you let her watch or read at home about it? Where is she getting information about homosexuality in order to form an opinion on it at such a young age?

Whoa. That's pretty patronising, and dare I say it, smallminded.

We don't "form an opinion" about who we're attracted to. And I'm fairly certain that you don't catch homosexuality from reading about it.

AuntyPasta · 25/09/2020 19:01

’information about homosexuality’

Didn’t you know there are leaflets? And badges.

Back in the real world...

Eckhart · 25/09/2020 19:01

@Asterion Surely if everybody in school is fluid these days, then being gay wouldn't get you much attention?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/09/2020 19:02

I think maybe she would have appreciated assurance that fancying a girl is as normal and acceptable as fancying a boy. Discussing age isn't really necessary here.

You may think she is too young at 10 to be thinking about boys/girls But it would be nice if you could reassure her that it's totally normal and acceptable.

Bizawit · 25/09/2020 19:11

@Nenevalleysigns clearly you don’t know much about what it’s like to be an LGBT kid.. Hmm

Asterion · 25/09/2020 19:13

[quote Eckhart]@Asterion Surely if everybody in school is fluid these days, then being gay wouldn't get you much attention?[/quote]
I was quoting @Nenevalleysigns, who I strongly disagree with!

motherofdxughters · 25/09/2020 19:14

My daughter came out to me at ten. She's twelve now and while she's never had a girlfriend or boyfriend, she's still attracted to girls. We made it clear that it's not a huge deal and that we accept her for who she is, whoever that may be. We also made it clear that if she ever finds herself attracted to boys that it doesn't mean she's automatically straight or was faking liking girls as sexuality is personal and may change in our lifetimes and also may not. Whatever she's into is cool with us.

I think your daughter might be just gaging your reaction to ensure there's no issue with it.

1stmonkey · 25/09/2020 19:15

My 9 year old told me this week that "two of my friends are bisexual but i'm going to marry a boy".

I don't think it's too young to be aware of sexuality or to be questioning preferences. So long as you're available to talk about it when and if they want to, you're understanding, and remind them that being gay/straight or anything else makes no difference to how you feel about them, what more can you do??

thedancingbear · 25/09/2020 19:15

52% of MNers appear to be homophobes. Interesting.

Eckhart · 25/09/2020 19:16

@Nenevalleysigns

Surely if everybody in school is fluid these days, then being gay wouldn't get you much attention?

My apologies, Asterion.

thedancingbear · 25/09/2020 19:16

I knew I liked boys at that age so I don't think it too young to know that she likes girls.

Spot on. if this is normal - and I can personally testify that it is - then so is the other possibility.

Kazakaren · 25/09/2020 19:17

I don't think she's too young to be thinking about this stuff. Just support her with it. When my dd told me she was gay I just said its fine to love whoever you want to love. I don't know if she'll change her mind about being gay or not, it doesn't matter either way as long as she's happy.

Ravenesque · 25/09/2020 19:18

Definitely not too young. You don't have to go into long conversations about her sexuality with her, just let her know she's loved and be accepting of her choices.

theblackparade · 25/09/2020 19:19

I knew, long before I was 10.

museumum · 25/09/2020 19:24

I’m pretty sure I didn’t have any sexual feelings about anyone till I was 11/12 in my last year of primary school. Maybe I was a late developer? I had breasts and periods before I had a proper crush.

However I’m not sure where to go with “like liking” someone she clashes with. Irrespective of sex it’s not a great idea to fancy people you have strife with... obviously you fancy who you fancy but I’d have a chat about not definitely dating people you don’t like or trust as well as fancy.

mrstrickland · 25/09/2020 19:31

My 8 year old announced that she will be a lesbian when she grows up and has been telling everyone her plan. Obviously she is very young to think about this, but we said that if thats what she wants to be and it makes her happy then we will be happy. Her friends have said 'okay' and nobody has questioned it.
She may or may not be a lesbian when she is older but making it a non-issue now will make her feel that when she is old enough to make this decision that we will be 100% supportive and happy for her

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