My daughter just told me she thinks she is a lesbian.

[DamnIvy]

So, after school today, my 10 year old daughter asks me if it's ok to have a girlfriend when your 10. It took me a little off guard, and I told her that I think that 10 is too young for girlfriends or boyfriends. After a few minutes, she then tells me that she really likes a girl in her class, she said she 'like, likes her'. I asked if the girl was a close friend, thinking that she may be mixing up feelings. But it turns out to be a girl that she doesnt get on particularly well with. She then says that she thinks she is a lesbian.

I had no idea what to say. I basically told her that she is a little young to be thinking about girls or boys. But assured her that being happy is all that matters and that we love her no matter what.

Was I wrong for not talking more about it. I didnt want to lead her into conversation that she was happy talking about, it could be phase or mixed up feelings after all. I also have NO idea on how to talk about this with her.
It's not something I had ever thought about, I know some mums say that they have always known, I havnt. She only really plays with boys and isnt overly girlie. But that's just her. I was the same. But I'm reading things saying that that is a sign.

Either way, whatever path she takes in life, we will support her all the way. I'm just looking for anyone with experience with young children with this. So I can support her better in the future.

So aibu thinking that 10 is just too young to think, or know even, that you are gay?

@museumum - but mightn't this not be about sexual feelings? It doesn't sound as if it's that particularly.

@Thatbliddywoman

Ahhh - that is so sweet and romantic that you are now with the same girl you had your first crush on when you were ten.

I love a happy ending

One of my ds age 5 told me he's definitely going to marry a boy because boys are way better than girls.

@pjmask

Op in my dd's group of eight friends, six are either gay or bi. She has just started year 7. They have been coming out like flies since term started. She has a gf, I think it's sweet, my older dd had a bf at that age and it was all very innocent.

I predict by the time they are 20 many of this group will be in heterosexual relationships. I could be wrong. Either way it's great they are comfortable enough with their sexuality to explore this, and that your dd feels she can talk to you, you obviously have a good relationship with her.

This is totally normal in this day and age apparently. My dd was talking the other day about a girl, who says she is bi in yr 8. Dd said she went out with a girl in yr6 so 10 or 11.

Well I knew I was straight when I was ten. I think you could have done a bit more to reassure her those feelings are normal tbh..

fancying someone of your own sex is a recognised stage of development for many straight children. It can be a phase.

My daughter did similar a few months ago (same age). Tbh it wasn't a surprise in the slightest. I listened to her, told her 10 was a bit too young to have girl or boyfriends but the most important thing was to be happy and to only love someone who was kind, regardless of whether that was a boy or girl, when she was ready.

She hasn't mentioned it again but we always have and do talk about girl or boy friends. She is a twin and her sister is all about the boys so why wouldn't she know she's gay now if her sister is clear she's straight (I remember saying to that daughter something about 'when you have a boy it girlfriend' and she said 'mummy it will be a boyfriend' - she was 8).

I personally think 10 is too young to.be having anything but a crush. She may be in awe of this girl and want her to be her friend. I'd think the same with a boy in this situation. You handled it exactly how I would have done.

Ugh, sorry, I tried to sit on my hands but I'm so bad at this. So. Please do ignore if you want.

There are a lot of posts in this thread saying it's probably 'just a phase' or that it is normal for straight children to have a phase of attraction to the same sex. There are mentions of 'crushes'. Someone's used the term 'pash'.

This is all true, but gay children also do the exact same thing - you get gay men and lesbians who thought they were attracted to the opposite sex. There's no need to trivialise what a child feels by telling them it must be part of 'normal' development and therefore temporary. If they feel it, they feel it.

There are also several posts saying either that it's a bit young, or suggesting that 'sexual' feelings come later. A lot of people are basically talking about humouring children, kindly, on the assumption those children simply have no idea about sex and sexual feelings.

This is really damaging and unkind.

Being gay or lesbian is not all about sex. Think about your heterosexual relationship with your partner. It's not just about sex, is it? A child who is beginning to suspect they're gay may have no sexual feelings at all - they might just feel, somehow, they are more comfortable and happy with members of their own sex. Or they might somehow realise that they always imagine themselves growing up and living with someone of the same sex.

All of the things said on this thread have a history. For centuries we've been saying that homosexuality is 'just a phase' and that it's essentially an immature emotion most people grow out of. There are generations of gay people who have said how hurtful and damaging this is (I really mean this, btw: you look at how painful early twentieth-century accounts of persecution for homosexuality are).

It's fine to be privately sceptical about something your child says; I get that. But I think you have to be really careful they don't pick up on the fact you're implying you hope they 'change their mind' or 'grow out of it'. That might be fine if they do - but if they don't, would you want to be responsible for implying you hoped they would?

She might be a lesbian, she might not be. At 10 I had a major crush on a girl, it eventually passed and I'm very straight.

at what age did you realise you were straight, or was it always something you always knew there in the back ground
Sorry to jump in on this question, but I would say it took me until my 30s to decide that I was definitely just straight. I knew I liked men before then, but I couldn't tell if I fancied women or just thought they looked pretty. I was very shy so didn't experiment, and am really shit at reading my own emotions.

I come from a family of late bloomers. Some people know at 10 (or earlier), others like me are much slower to work it out.

@ravenmum, how did that work while you were still unsure (if you don't mind me asking)? Was there stigma when you had a first boyfriend? Did you choose to come out to employers?

[quote SarahAndQuack]@ravenmum, how did that work while you were still unsure (if you don't mind me asking)? Was there stigma when you had a first boyfriend? Did you choose to come out to employers?[/quote]
I like the fact that you're turning it around, but I'm not sure I need to learn whatever lesson it's suppossed to teach me? Did I give the impression that I was saying my experience was as difficult as gay people's my age?

In case I did give the wrong impression, my point was that some people "know" early on, at 5 or 10 or whatever, but others like me don't.
Is that something only a straight person would say?

*There are also several posts saying either that it's a bit young, or suggesting that 'sexual' feelings come later. A lot of people are basically talking about humouring children, kindly, on the assumption those children simply have no idea about sex and sexual feelings.

This is really damaging and unkind.*

But I think even an opposite sex crush will get parents humouring them at 10, it's still kind of a game/role play at that age. I say this as someone who is not straight and had crushes on women at that age. I obviously don't think it's right to tell the child it's a phase, but I don't think many have suggested that. I just don't think it's good to make it a big deal or encourage them to adopt a label so young. Just let them know it's perfectly normal to like either sex and let them find out who they are as they grow.

No, I wasn't at all meaning to imply you'd said your experience was difficult and (if you'll forgive me) I was more building on your good point with one of mine.

I think you're totally right some people know early and others know much later.

I just wanted to push that point, and observe that, if you don't know early on that you're straight, it's not so very tricky to have straight relationships in your late teens/early adult/adult years.

So, perhaps you are in less need of reassurance earlier on.

I really wasn't meaning to get at you! Sorry I judged the tone wrong - I thought we were coming from very much the same place and using our experiences to illustrate similar things.

@Spiderbaby8 - oh, yes, I think it's often role play, whether a child is/will be straight or not. But I did indicate I was talking specifically about those who had presented this as a phase.

@SarahAndQuack

Ugh, sorry, I tried to sit on my hands but I'm so bad at this. So. Please do ignore if you want.

There are a lot of posts in this thread saying it's probably 'just a phase' or that it is normal for straight children to have a phase of attraction to the same sex. There are mentions of 'crushes'. Someone's used the term 'pash'.

This is all true, but gay children also do the exact same thing - you get gay men and lesbians who thought they were attracted to the opposite sex. There's no need to trivialise what a child feels by telling them it must be part of 'normal' development and therefore temporary. If they feel it, they feel it.

There are also several posts saying either that it's a bit young, or suggesting that 'sexual' feelings come later. A lot of people are basically talking about humouring children, kindly, on the assumption those children simply have no idea about sex and sexual feelings.

This is really damaging and unkind.

Being gay or lesbian is not all about sex. Think about your heterosexual relationship with your partner. It's not just about sex, is it? A child who is beginning to suspect they're gay may have no sexual feelings at all - they might just feel, somehow, they are more comfortable and happy with members of their own sex. Or they might somehow realise that they always imagine themselves growing up and living with someone of the same sex.

All of the things said on this thread have a history. For centuries we've been saying that homosexuality is 'just a phase' and that it's essentially an immature emotion most people grow out of. There are generations of gay people who have said how hurtful and damaging this is (I really mean this, btw: you look at how painful early twentieth-century accounts of persecution for homosexuality are).

It's fine to be privately sceptical about something your child says; I get that. But I think you have to be really careful they don't pick up on the fact you're implying you hope they 'change their mind' or 'grow out of it'. That might be fine if they do - but if they don't, would you want to be responsible for implying you hoped they would?

@SarahAndQuack I think that was a good post. I've never even suggested to my own parents that I felt I was bi, so I never got this kind of comment or any suggeston of "it's just a phase".

But I did hear similar comments directed at a cousin of mine, who's now married to her wife, and I know her relationship with her dad was a bit rocky for a while, but things got miles better before he died. Her brother has never married or even had a girlfriend so far as I know. He's never actually come out, but I always see him with the same chap, so I think he, too, is gay. He's 61 now, and I suspect he'll never actually come out officially.

It probably has a lot to do with the times we grew up in, although I'm around 10 years younger than these cousins.

Agreed that feelings at this age can be strong but I think the op did the child a favour by saying she is too young. She removed from the child the burden of doing something, becoming something, defining something, feeling weird around the friend and all the rest.She gave the child freedom and accepted her "confession" with "being happy is all that counts".
Well done op....

SarahAndQuack - No worries, I honestly thought I might have missed some key point and needed to be educated!

I get what you mean now. I do think that things are getting a bit easier, though, aren't they? My kids' friends were out in school. Though...my ds told me he's bi at age 14 or so, but I don't think he's as open about it with his mates as the girls seem to be.

@SarahAndQuack yes agree that telling the child it's a phase is wrong. I guess I was thinking I wouldn't want to jump to validate her about being lesbian either. I would just be really casual whilst accepting at that age.

YY, I think things are starting to get easier. I hope so!

@SarahAndQuack Excellent post, your long one.

@ravenmum Your experience is a good example of why a phase shouldn't just be dismissed or minimised. It can go on for a long time; it is part of you; the feelings are valid, even if your truth settles elsewhere in the end.

@Spiderbaby8 - thanks for this, it's a more rational way of saying what have been trying to type!

Life is nothing but phases, like a beautiful patchwork bedspread :)