My daughter just told me she thinks she is a lesbian.

[DamnIvy]

So, after school today, my 10 year old daughter asks me if it's ok to have a girlfriend when your 10. It took me a little off guard, and I told her that I think that 10 is too young for girlfriends or boyfriends. After a few minutes, she then tells me that she really likes a girl in her class, she said she 'like, likes her'. I asked if the girl was a close friend, thinking that she may be mixing up feelings. But it turns out to be a girl that she doesnt get on particularly well with. She then says that she thinks she is a lesbian.

I had no idea what to say. I basically told her that she is a little young to be thinking about girls or boys. But assured her that being happy is all that matters and that we love her no matter what.

Was I wrong for not talking more about it. I didnt want to lead her into conversation that she was happy talking about, it could be phase or mixed up feelings after all. I also have NO idea on how to talk about this with her.
It's not something I had ever thought about, I know some mums say that they have always known, I havnt. She only really plays with boys and isnt overly girlie. But that's just her. I was the same. But I'm reading things saying that that is a sign.

Either way, whatever path she takes in life, we will support her all the way. I'm just looking for anyone with experience with young children with this. So I can support her better in the future.

So aibu thinking that 10 is just too young to think, or know even, that you are gay?

I cant say I would have done any different to you, I dont it as something that needs a big long deep conversation, she is who she is and you said you would love her anyway so not sure what else needs to be said

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to think a 10 year old might not be able to decide they are gay right now but I think it’s unreasonable to expect them not to explore any feelings towards the same and / or opposite sex

@SarahAndQuack 👏🏻

My 11yo told me a week ago that she is bi. I simply told her I felt privileged that she wanted to tell me.

I have lots of gay friends, male and female who all say they knew from a very young age, 8-9, in their cases so I think it definitely is possible to know then.

I had my first crush at 9 on a boy. Then in senior school I had crushes on girls. I had a huge crush on a friend. I talked about boys because I didnt want my friends to know. Then around 15 some of my friends came out and I felt more comfortable about how I felt and I dated boys and girls. About 17/18 I was sure I was gay but then I dated a guy who I stayed with for a long time and I havent had a same sex relationship since. I still fancy women sometimes but I dont think I would ever have a same sex relationship again. Opposite to that I have a friend who was dated men and is now in a lesbian relationship and has said she wont ever date men again.

I think love and sexuality can be fluid for some people and I think some people just know. I think it's nice that your daughter can talk to you, I couldn't have talked to my parents and it was a very confusing time.

Because I have gay friends my kids know that boys can love boys and girls can love girls and I like that because if they ever felt they were gay or bisexual I dont think it would worry them.

I dont think 10 is too young to have a crush but I do think I'd be saying it's too young to be taking it too seriously gay, bi or straight! Not the sexuality but the relationship ifyswim. I tell my kids you dont have relationships until you're a grown up, I dont think they'll listen to me but I can hope! 🤣

[quote SarahAndQuack]@ravenmum, how did that work while you were still unsure (if you don't mind me asking)? Was there stigma when you had a first boyfriend? Did you choose to come out to employers?[/quote]
🤣🤣

I knew from about 11 I just didn't see or feel the same way about other humans that the other kids did. Later on, being told "teenagers have urges", "raging hormones" etc , I was always like, what the hell is an "urge"? Boy crazy, girl crazy etc ,- I never felt that, and still haven't at almost 40. Sometimes you can know at that age, sometimes later. But it's not impossible.

I think you handled it fine and it's great that your daughter felt she could tell you!

Don't just pretend like she didn't say anything though. After school you could casually bring up the girl and ask if she spoke with her or not so that your daughter feels that she can be open with you and not judged.

It's also important that you talk with your SO and other children about lgbtq+ so that if your daughter does come out some time in the future or date a girl, it's not a big deal to them.

My DD2 (now 8) told me last autumn that she thought she was gay, because she and a friend kissed on the lips; other friends told her that. I told her that she was too young to label herself one way or the other. She hasn't said anything since then, but that's because she and this friend no longer get on.

But then a few months later she became interested in boys quite suddenly and there was a boy she said was her boyfriend. Also, she and a boy cousin a year old pretended to be getting married.

Very sadly, not long after this, she spoke about internet boyfriends and I discovered that she was being groomed online, in the chatroom that's part of the internet game roblox. These 'boyfriends' were pretending to be children but there were things that gave themselves away as being adults.

So I was really caught on the hop because I wasn't expecting to have to talk about relationships with her as DD1 (11) hasn't even started to think about relationships, although she is young for her age emotionally.

With my DDs being adopted, they are vulnerable; in DD2's case I think it was a desire for affirmation as she was insecure about her looks (very sad, because she's a very pretty girl and popular).

I felt horribly guilty, especially as an SA survivor. But at least she was able to talk to me.

You can definitely know at ten. I’m attracted to both sexes and it started at that age.

Our friends dd came out to them in year 7 all fine though now she has a very undesirable quite worrying boyfriend our friends are hoping she will go back to being a lesbian

OP, l think you have handled this quite well and l would be quite relaxed about it. Just make sure you avoid saying to her you are “only” 10; to her 10 is big and important.

At 10, I had crushes on boys and girls. In my teeens and 20s, l had lots of different boyfriends and thought l was straight. In my 30s l was surprided when l discovered my bi side, 40s now, and haven’t looked back.

Quite where the connections lay here as l got older I don’t know. Nor do l think it’s important. Just give her lots of love and as she gets older, she will discover her own path.

I agree with what you said, and then 'when you are older, and ready to date, the only thing that matters is do you fancy them, do they feel the same, and are they a nice person' 'at the moment enjoy feeling attracted to people you admire or want to be like, and then see how you feel about them in six months - is it the same, has it changed?

I had crushes on girls in primary school, but never on boys. Didn’t develop crushes on boys until secondary. I questioned if I was a lesbian when I was a child too. Grew up and realised I'm bisexual.

10 is too young for "boyfriends and girlfriends" but not for crushes. I would just tell her that she’s too young to have a girlfriend or boyfriend and to wait until she’s older .

I definitely knew I only liked girls at that age and it’s never changed. Liking boys just never crossed my mind until everybody put pressure on me to consider it. I made up boy crushes to fit in but I never actually fancied a boy.

Oh god, that just gave me a flashback to being pressured by my friends, including the one I was completely in love with, to name a boy I fancied. I'm bi, so not as difficult as for you, but it was hard and I did lie a LOT. There was so much homophobic bullying in my school.