My daughter just told me she thinks she is a lesbian.

[DamnIvy]

So, after school today, my 10 year old daughter asks me if it's ok to have a girlfriend when your 10. It took me a little off guard, and I told her that I think that 10 is too young for girlfriends or boyfriends. After a few minutes, she then tells me that she really likes a girl in her class, she said she 'like, likes her'. I asked if the girl was a close friend, thinking that she may be mixing up feelings. But it turns out to be a girl that she doesnt get on particularly well with. She then says that she thinks she is a lesbian.

I had no idea what to say. I basically told her that she is a little young to be thinking about girls or boys. But assured her that being happy is all that matters and that we love her no matter what.

Was I wrong for not talking more about it. I didnt want to lead her into conversation that she was happy talking about, it could be phase or mixed up feelings after all. I also have NO idea on how to talk about this with her.
It's not something I had ever thought about, I know some mums say that they have always known, I havnt. She only really plays with boys and isnt overly girlie. But that's just her. I was the same. But I'm reading things saying that that is a sign.

Either way, whatever path she takes in life, we will support her all the way. I'm just looking for anyone with experience with young children with this. So I can support her better in the future.

So aibu thinking that 10 is just too young to think, or know even, that you are gay?

@ravenmum

That's poetic and really quite lovely

(oh, and totally accurate)

Much younger kids can have intense emotions of wanting to be close to someone (crushes aren't automatically sexual, or even romantic), but I agree with others that having that without someone one clashes a lot with would be my concern and between that and the age, I might want to start a conversation on what she thinks having a girlfriend means, maybe with a movie or show to help. Kids often have very different ideas of this to adults (hell, we adults often have different ideas of this from each other).

When my DD1 first started gushing about girls, I listened. When she started to tell her brother off about how he not have seen that girl with the...I admit I chuckled and then told her not to do that to him. When she said she thought she might be a lesbian, I told her it's a possibility and asked if she wanted to talk about it. We've discussed it a few times. Mainly, I try to discuss their sexuality as something that's theirs to figure out at their own pace, and not something they need to worry about or try to fix their sense of self on.

Are we all dismissing the fact that children often have sexual feelings, and that that's normal?

This is strange because my 10 year old sister just told me that she's got a girlfriend. It happened at 4pm today- her answer when I asked how long they had been together. So happy she told us and I have no issue with who she goes out with as long as she's happy and I'm really really glad that her telling me wasn't a big deal.

OP, DS2 is 10. Half the kids in his class, boys and girls are saying they are gay atm. I really think it is just a thing they are going through, sort of fashionable if you like.

Give her some time and see if she still feels the same in a few years.

In the meantime, don't judge and give her your support and all will be fine, whether or not she is gay.

Incidentally DS2 told me he was probably a bit bi sexual! Although mostly straight!

I had a massive crush on a girl around that age, I was probably 11. I can still remember her name ☺️ even though it 1974/5 ish.

Meh...bo big deal. Crushes are normal and as long as you support her no matter what her sexuality is she will be fine...no need to worry.

No big deal i mean!

I’d be totally led by her in terms of how much or little you discuss.

I do think crushes at 10, whether on boys or girls, rarely mean very much. She does seem to have given this some thought, so I’d be as accepting as possible and there for her whilst not making a big deal of it either way.

You did really well, OP.
I would have loved a mum like this... I grew up in a homophobic and sex shaming household.
Keep on being understanding and compassionate and she'll continually able to open up to you.

@SarahAndQuack

Ugh, sorry, I tried to sit on my hands but I'm so bad at this. So. Please do ignore if you want.

There are a lot of posts in this thread saying it's probably 'just a phase' or that it is normal for straight children to have a phase of attraction to the same sex. There are mentions of 'crushes'. Someone's used the term 'pash'.

This is all true, but gay children also do the exact same thing - you get gay men and lesbians who thought they were attracted to the opposite sex. There's no need to trivialise what a child feels by telling them it must be part of 'normal' development and therefore temporary. If they feel it, they feel it.

There are also several posts saying either that it's a bit young, or suggesting that 'sexual' feelings come later. A lot of people are basically talking about humouring children, kindly, on the assumption those children simply have no idea about sex and sexual feelings.

This is really damaging and unkind.

Being gay or lesbian is not all about sex. Think about your heterosexual relationship with your partner. It's not just about sex, is it? A child who is beginning to suspect they're gay may have no sexual feelings at all - they might just feel, somehow, they are more comfortable and happy with members of their own sex. Or they might somehow realise that they always imagine themselves growing up and living with someone of the same sex.

All of the things said on this thread have a history. For centuries we've been saying that homosexuality is 'just a phase' and that it's essentially an immature emotion most people grow out of. There are generations of gay people who have said how hurtful and damaging this is (I really mean this, btw: you look at how painful early twentieth-century accounts of persecution for homosexuality are).

It's fine to be privately sceptical about something your child says; I get that. But I think you have to be really careful they don't pick up on the fact you're implying you hope they 'change their mind' or 'grow out of it'. That might be fine if they do - but if they don't, would you want to be responsible for implying you hoped they would?

Really good post

I remember saying the same to my mum at about 10/11.
She said something along the lines of:
"You might be thinking this to hide your strong feelings for boys"

This has to be the most damaging thing a parent could ever say.
To this day, nearly 40 years later, I am confused about my sexuality

I definitely knew I only liked girls at that age and it’s never changed. Liking boys just never crossed my mind until everybody put pressure on me to consider it. I made up boy crushes to fit in but I never actually fancied a boy. By my late teens I felt under so much pressure to be in a relationship with a man that I got married, which was an absolute disaster in every way imaginable.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable for a girl of that age to know, and even if she swears she’s a lesbian today then changes her mind tomorrow, who cares? She’s young, let her experiment with her feelings without pressure or expectation. I wish I’d been allowed to do that.

I definitely knew though, and from a lot younger than your DD’s age.

@SarahAndQuack

Ugh, sorry, I tried to sit on my hands but I'm so bad at this. So. Please do ignore if you want.

There are a lot of posts in this thread saying it's probably 'just a phase' or that it is normal for straight children to have a phase of attraction to the same sex. There are mentions of 'crushes'. Someone's used the term 'pash'.

This is all true, but gay children also do the exact same thing - you get gay men and lesbians who thought they were attracted to the opposite sex. There's no need to trivialise what a child feels by telling them it must be part of 'normal' development and therefore temporary. If they feel it, they feel it.

There are also several posts saying either that it's a bit young, or suggesting that 'sexual' feelings come later. A lot of people are basically talking about humouring children, kindly, on the assumption those children simply have no idea about sex and sexual feelings.

This is really damaging and unkind.

Being gay or lesbian is not all about sex. Think about your heterosexual relationship with your partner. It's not just about sex, is it? A child who is beginning to suspect they're gay may have no sexual feelings at all - they might just feel, somehow, they are more comfortable and happy with members of their own sex. Or they might somehow realise that they always imagine themselves growing up and living with someone of the same sex.

All of the things said on this thread have a history. For centuries we've been saying that homosexuality is 'just a phase' and that it's essentially an immature emotion most people grow out of. There are generations of gay people who have said how hurtful and damaging this is (I really mean this, btw: you look at how painful early twentieth-century accounts of persecution for homosexuality are).

It's fine to be privately sceptical about something your child says; I get that. But I think you have to be really careful they don't pick up on the fact you're implying you hope they 'change their mind' or 'grow out of it'. That might be fine if they do - but if they don't, would you want to be responsible for implying you hoped they would?

This is such a great post. Thank you.

SHE is already aware of her feelings and understands that what she feels for this girl is not the same as liking a 'friend'....she turned to you cos she was confused and probably feels a little scared/insecure about being in this situation - and you shut the door on her and told her to ignore her feelings.....and patronised her by telling her she wasn't 'old enough' to have a crush or fancy someone.

I definitely had crushes on boys at the age of 10, and as a young teenager who went to an all girl school I had what I thought were crushes on girls. I turned out to be completely straight and didn't actually have a sexual interest in girls at all - it was more of an admiration thing, just a strong attraction to them as people. Not something I would ever have acted on. Feelings are confusing at that age!

It's not too young to know, but also...she's 10. There's no need to make a big fuss either.

I think saying that she's a bit too young to worry about girlfriends, but yes, of course it's ok to be a lesbian! Perfectly ok to like girls! is an ok way to respond.

It's about word for word what I told my 11yr old...who is now a very out and settled lesbian in a happy relationship ten years on.

(I didn't encourage the boyfriend nonsense at 10 for my straight kid either...gay or straight, they both knew that relationships were for older teens and young adults, not children. Normal to have feelings though, whether same or opposite sex).

Dd is 10 and a friend of hers has told her that she feels she may be bisexual. The friend’s parents reacted with ‘you’re only ten’ and the girl is devastated. In her words (relayed to me by my dd), ‘because this is something really big for her, she thought they’d understand but they didn’t and she felt like they were laughing at her’.

You sound like a lovely mum but I do think you might need to back-pedal here a bit and show dd that you take her feelings seriously and accept her.

A parent can take feelings seriously whilst not buying into the '10 yr olds need to be romantically pairing off' nonsense.

IMHO.

My best friend knew she was a lesbian from about 9 - the same time we were getting 'boyfriends' in year 4 (i.e. holding hands in the playground for 30 seconds and asking one another out and dumping 5 times a day thinking it was all hilarious, but with definite tiny little primary school crushes), she wanted a 'girlfriend'.

Still extremely gay to this day! :)

My best friend is male, and gay. I asked him when he definitely knew he was gay and he said it was when he was about 10. He never fancied girls, ever.

I would say that she is way too young to have any type of gf or bf right now or until she is 18 (regardless of orientation), and that she just has to concentrate on her studies.

That's what my parents told me anyway....

A parent can take feelings seriously whilst not buying into the '10 yr olds need to be romantically pairing off' nonsense.

Oh I agree. But saying ‘you’re only ten’ doesn’t really make the child feel understood and valued, does it?

I’m not encouraging my dd to pair off either, and indeed she asked me in the same conversation whether it was normal not to feel attracted to anyone yet, and we had a long conversation about how very normal that is, how it’s nothing to do with emotional maturity, and how nobody ‘needs’ to be in a relationship, there’s plenty of time etc etc and that she mustn’t feel pressured to pair off with someone.

I would say that she is way too young to have any type of gf or bf right now or until she is 18 (regardless of orientation), and that she just has to concentrate on her studies.

😂😂😂😂

Just out of interest, did you then switch off all feelings of attraction until after your a levels and continue to have an open and trusting relationship with your parents in which you felt understood?

The child hasn’t said she wants a girlfriend or boyfriend. Only that she has feelings for this other girl.

@Lockdownfatigue

I would say that she is way too young to have any type of gf or bf right now or until she is 18 (regardless of orientation), and that she just has to concentrate on her studies.

😂😂😂😂

Just out of interest, did you then switch off all feelings of attraction until after your a levels and continue to have an open and trusting relationship with your parents in which you felt understood?

Haha, no, the feelings didn't switch off - I had desires and attractions like everyone else.

At the end of the day, it was their house and their rules. And athough they were strict and tight financially, they were always there for me, in terms of spending time with me, being there for me, and guiding me out of trouble or problems.

At the time (and for a few years after), you are right, I found these kinds of rules extremely frustrating and we used to argue a fair bit; as they are religious and old fashioned...even by my standards.

But looking back, I realise I was very lucky to have had a stable and good home; and I respect and am thankful to them for that.

When I eventually moved out, I was a sensible (ish) young adult; who could then make better understood and informed choices when it came to romantic and physical relationships.

It may seem like an old fashioned point of view, but I will try to have a similar (but not quite as harsh) approach with my own kids as they get older.