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Original poster

My daughter just told me she thinks she is a lesbian.

140 replies

DamnIvy · 25/09/2020 17:36

So, after school today, my 10 year old daughter asks me if it's ok to have a girlfriend when your 10. It took me a little off guard, and I told her that I think that 10 is too young for girlfriends or boyfriends. After a few minutes, she then tells me that she really likes a girl in her class, she said she 'like, likes her'. I asked if the girl was a close friend, thinking that she may be mixing up feelings. But it turns out to be a girl that she doesnt get on particularly well with. She then says that she thinks she is a lesbian.

I had no idea what to say. I basically told her that she is a little young to be thinking about girls or boys. But assured her that being happy is all that matters and that we love her no matter what.

Was I wrong for not talking more about it. I didnt want to lead her into conversation that she was happy talking about, it could be phase or mixed up feelings after all. I also have NO idea on how to talk about this with her.
It's not something I had ever thought about, I know some mums say that they have always known, I havnt. She only really plays with boys and isnt overly girlie. But that's just her. I was the same. But I'm reading things saying that that is a sign.

Either way, whatever path she takes in life, we will support her all the way. I'm just looking for anyone with experience with young children with this. So I can support her better in the future.

So aibu thinking that 10 is just too young to think, or know even, that you are gay?

OP posts:
Heffersclub · 25/09/2020 18:07

I knew at 10, lots of people do but you said the right thing. Don’t over think it. She’s at the age where kids start to be aware of boys/girls in a more romantic way. Just say that’s fine, we love you.

Janaih · 25/09/2020 18:08

Dd came out to me by sending me a link to a YouTube song when she was 15. It wasnt a huge surprise. I think what you said was fine. 10 is too young to be thinking about relationships but it's ok to like boys and/or girls. No need to make a big deal about it, keep it casual and open and reassure that you love her.

Spiderbaby8 · 25/09/2020 18:09

I had my first crush on a women around that age and I ended up bi. I just wouldn't make a big deal of it, all kids begin to have crushes at that age. She might be lesbian, bi, or even straight, she'll work it out as she gets older.

newtb · 25/09/2020 18:11

Like most things there is no 'norm' at which sexual orientation becomes fixed. A psychiatrist told me that even up to early 20s there can be a degree of fluidity and someone may 'think' they're attracted to the same sex, but it's not final.

Other people know from the age of 4, or younger.

Strange lot us humans.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/09/2020 18:11

My daughter went through this. All very normal. Don't make a big fuss. I Agree that the notion of boyfriends/girlfriends at that age is mostly crush stuff as they approach puberty they become aware of intense feelings. Accept what she say, don't make a big deal about it and listen if she wants to talk.

Original poster
DamnIvy · 25/09/2020 18:16

Thanks for your replies. I hope that she didnt think I was being dismissive. The conversation between us was more than I have written, that was just the just of how it went.
I know the girl she is talking about. And as I said, they dont get on well. In the past both girls have caused problems for each other.

Also I feel the difference between her saying that she has a crush on a girl and not a boy, is that she is obviously confused about having a crush on a girl, and will need more support I feel. I dont think she would have asked if a girl her age could have a boyfriend.

OP posts:
pjmask · 25/09/2020 18:19

Op in my dd's group of eight friends, six are either gay or bi. She has just started year 7. They have been coming out like flies since term started. She has a gf, I think it's sweet, my older dd had a bf at that age and it was all very innocent.

I predict by the time they are 20 many of this group will be in heterosexual relationships. I could be wrong. Either way it's great they are comfortable enough with their sexuality to explore this, and that your dd feels she can talk to you, you obviously have a good relationship with her.

Asterion · 25/09/2020 18:21

Yes it's great that she trusts you enough to be able to open up to you, well done! You've obviously brought her up in an open-minded way.

RoseGoldEagle · 25/09/2020 18:23

I definitely had crushes on boys when I was 9/10, it’s completely normal. I also had a few crushes on female teachers around that age and into my early teens, I am straight and think it was more a case of admiring them than anything. In terms of whether it’s a phase, or she is a lesbian, I don’t really think it matters- that’ll be for her to work out over the years, I think as long as she knows that it’s really not a big deal either way and she can always talk to you about her feelings then that’s the only thing that matters.

WellThisWentWell · 25/09/2020 18:23

I think you can know at that age.

I knew i was asexual (didn’t know the word at the time, finding out there were others like me took time) around that age.
And still am now and i am in my mid 30’s.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 25/09/2020 18:23

@VeryQuaintIrene do you mind me asking how you knew at 5? I didn't even have a crush on boys till I was maybe, I don't know, 10/12.. Did you have a crush on another girl or did you just...I don't know, i can't really imagine at 5. Hope you don't mind me asking, I'm just curious!

duffeldaisy · 25/09/2020 18:27

How old were you when you decided you weren't gay?

Childhood is all about discovery and trying out emotions. I had crushes on girls when I was around the same age, but growing up in a very homophobic environment, felt there was something 'wrong', and because it was never even mentioned, I didn't even understand what was wrong - I didn't know it was even possible to be lesbian or bi - just thought I had some weird social awkwardness around some people.

The fact that you are happy for her to be herself when she's older will mean a huge amount.

It's definitely not too early for her to be having feelings towards other children her own age. And it might just be her experimenting with her emotions or she might well be lesbian or bi to some extent.

SimonJT · 25/09/2020 18:28

So aibu thinking that 10 is just too young to think, or know even, that you are gay?

If you think ten is too young to know you’re gay, do you also think ten is too young to know you’re straight? Think about yourself, at what age did you realise you were straight, or was it always something you always knew there in the back ground.

I knew before ten, I didn’t know the label for it, but I very much knew that I wanted to hold boyd hands etc, not girls.

RiftGibbon · 25/09/2020 18:28

I think you should have spoken to her about it in a child-friendly way. My DC is a little younger and has expressed interest in both girls and boys at different times.
I've said it's too young to be dating and that you shouldn't worry about feeling you have to make your mind up yet.
I have gay friends who are married, lesbian friends who are married, straight friends who are married, single, etc. so the whole concept of relationships DC has is quite broad, based on meeting my friends.

Apparently (so DC tells me) they have a friend of the same sex who wants to be their 'romantic friend' but any time I see them together at school pick up and drop off they seem to act exactly the same as any other friends. Partly at this age I think it's just acknowledging being interested in someone as perhaps more than just a friend, but not quite knowing necessarily what or why.

VeryQuaintIrene · 25/09/2020 18:29

I don't mind you asking at all. I guess I had just very strong feelings for a girl in my primary school (!), like I just wanted to follow her around and would have done anything for her, not kissing or anything, but just complete devotion to a kind of princess figure that was as romantic as a 5 year old could get!!

VeryQuaintIrene · 25/09/2020 18:30

oops that was @AwaAnBileYerHeid

ChiaraRimini · 25/09/2020 18:30

Hi OP
You said you were wondering if she wants more support with this.i think you've done well so far and would encourage you to continue not to make a big deal out of it as this will make your DD uncomfortable. It's great she has felt able to talk to you and you must have a good relationship with her.
I would suggest leaving it, unless she brings it up, until after school next week (or when she has seen the girl again) and then casually ask her how she is getting on with (name of girl). Open the conversation in a neutral way then she has the option to talk about it more if she wants.
IME on journeys ie coming back from school is a good time for this type of conversation, as kids feel more relaxed in difficult conversations when you are not having to make direct eye contact.

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/09/2020 18:31

I think you were a little too dismissive. I understand the desire not to fan the flames of obsession with boy/girlfriends that is so endemic in our culture at too young an age but that doesn’t mean she won’t start to have genuine feelings of attraction at 10 and shutting that down by telling her she’s too young may just confuse her more.

I think it’s better to acknowledge the feelings as valid and okay but discourage her from acting on them as she’s too young. I’d probably point out that things like these feelings change a lot and she may like another girl in a few weeks or months and ask her how she feels about thinking she might be a lesbian.

FourPlasticRings · 25/09/2020 18:32

It's entirely normal, OP, regardless of eventual sexuality. Many adolescents get crushes on people of the same sex as themselves. For some it will stop happening, for others it will continue.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 25/09/2020 18:33

My dd was around 5 or 6 when she told me she loved girls not boys.

Although I didn't make a big deal of it due to her age, it did make me have a think about what she sees, and I started getting books with gay and bi characters in it, books on different kinds of families and trying to find films with gay and bi characters in it too, I hadn't really thought of it before but although I was saying the right things and bringing my dc up to be open minded, what they read and watched probably wasnt as diverse as it could be.

Anyway, she is now 12 and out and very proud. People at school throw 'gay' at her as an insult and she says 'thanks' and has a comeback for everything that one particular little shit one boy says to her.

Maybe it's a phase, and maybe its not, but it could be an opportunity to make things a little more diverse so she has characters that she identifies with in books etc.

Kids dont come with a manual unfortunately, all we can do is our best, and the fact that she was able to tell you speaks volumes.

Carriecakes80 · 25/09/2020 18:36

I have had this with both my daughters now.
My eldest was also 10, when she said she liked boys and girls, and I hugged her and told her thats good, she'll never be short of a date for saturday night...Now my youngest daughter who is 9 is saying the same thing, so, could be shes copying her big sis, could be that they just know themselves really well...either way, as long as my girls are happy who the hell cares!

The only stipulation I have for any of my four childrens partners is they better treat my kids right or Mam'll be on t' warpath!

BingoGo · 25/09/2020 18:36

Hi OP. YANBU.

I'm a lesbian and I agree that it's a bit early to start labelling. I had my first "girlfriend" at age 10, so it's entirely possible that she is a lesbian but she hasn't yet finished going through puberty, so of course she's too young to 100% know her identity as well as sexuality. Don't write off her feelings, let her know it's okay that she feels that way but it's also OK if she suddenly doesn't. Maybe explain puberty to her better? That hormones start to change the way you think and feel about a certain sex, whether it's the opposite, same or both and that you are in puberty until you reach adulthood, so let her know that there's no need to rush into calling herself anything but if she wants to, she can of course.

SarahAndQuack · 25/09/2020 18:38

I think it's very normal to start thinking about it at this age. Some people say they know.

But it doesn't really matter, does it?

Echobelly · 25/09/2020 18:44

DD, 12, identifies as lesbian or bisexual (she is not sure yet) - she had hinted at having a crush on a friend when she was 11, and at 12 said she thinks she is 'LGBTQ' - I mean I didn't there was anything to say, or think about it especially. I'm not certain whether she is or if she just has a crush on some of her mates, but I don't care either way.

I don't think there's a 'too young' about it really - OP, I'm sure your DD's thoughts of having a 'girlfriend' are totally anodyne anyway - eg, holding hands and being with each other all the time. She may be gay or she may not be, but it's all age appropriate I'm sure.

Eckhart · 25/09/2020 18:46

I knew my sexuality younger than 10. Probably about 6 or 7. I used to assign myself to appropriate gender roles when playing 'house', and get looked at like I had 2 heads, so I learned to choose to be the dog instead!

Take her lead. She opened a conversation about it with you, and that's great. If you feel she might have more to say, can you ask her? Your openness will be what she needs most. Even if it is just a phase, it doesn't mean she shouldn't talk about it; in fact, it could mean she'd need to talk about it more, because she'll be questioning her identity rather than sure of it.