DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

But you were being unreasonable to just get yourself a takeaway. I would feel the same as your DW about the takeaway.

Does she do other chores ie washing.hoovering and so on ? Was this "your" chore.I think she is being unreasonable on the face of it ,however without knowing her share ,its difficult to say really!

So how would anyone know what to buy? Do the kids get a say in the shopping for food?

Is this really such an alien concept these days? What has happened?! When I was a kid from about age 9 or 10 my mum showed me where the shopping list was kept and said I had to write on what I wanted for breakfasts and school lunches, and the ingredients I would need to cook dinner for the family 2 nights a week. I would put down cereal and fruit of choice for breakfast, bread and sandwich filling for lunch, and usually the ingredients for a basic spag bol or casserole for dinners. It was not a big at all. It's how I learned to look after myself and you are failing your children if you do everything for them. Food shopping and cooking is not some complex science that requires a degree. It just takes a bit of practice and then you're good to go.

I think it is good to have a DIY night. like you I cook every night. It is boring and tedious and I dislike having to think of things to cook every evening. I work full time but finish earlier than my DH which is why the role has fallen to me. I am also a good cook. Just explain it better next time or perhaps suggest that you each take it in turns to cook, including your DW.

I bet she's be even more pissed off if she knew you'd posted on here.

We all have a take away together as a treat.

Sounds like an awful lot of bother with everyone making mess etc and I can see why your wife was pissed off . Why don’t you just tell your wife that you want her to cook 2 nights a week . Also why not just make Friday family takeaway night I think what you did comes across as very selfish .

I can't see a problem with the DIY idea.

Nor can I see any problem with the person who cooks every other meal for every other person in the house deciding that their version of DIY us a takeaway.

I can see a problem with communication though. OPs DW seems not to be on the same page as everyone else. That is what OP needs to focus on. A proper sit down discussion, see what underlies her reaction.

It's not DIY dinner if an option was take away but you didn't mention that to anyone until they had cooked their own or decided not to bother.

It was a nice idea but a bit ill-thought out. You deserve a break from cooking. One night per week your wife should cook (and no moaning that you do it better, just eat it and say thanks), one night the DC's should cook. They could cook together or separate, maybe with a little input from you in the beginning.

I can understand this, as a single parent I do all the cooking (though once we've got a proper kitchen installed in our new house DD is going to do dinner one night a week). And sometimes I just want a treat.

If DD decides to spend her pocket money on a 'treat' food I don't expect her to share with me - it's her money and her treat (though she usually offers me a bite ). But as a parent I don't have ring-fenced budget for a treat for me.

In practice I get round it by sometimes having a starter portion of something I fancy while I am sitting waiting for DD's dance class to finish. Is it being selfish? I spend far more on her dance classes than on my treats.

You could always give everyone a monthly budget for their DIY dinner - they could have a takeaway sometimes and then have baked beans on toast for the rest of the month, or treat themselves to a steak/whatever they cook for themselves etc? So everyone has the same options.

I think you were selfish to get a sneaky lone take away and a hypocrite to do so after saying the DC had to cook something relatively healthy.

Also the faff & mess of 3 meals being cooked separately would annoy me so I agree with your DW that getting one of the kids to cook in turn for the family on Friday would be better.

I think getting the childre and wife to take turns cooking each friday would be far better than individual meals. I think its unfair you got a take away, as your children would never be able to do that.

You do sound like hard work OP. It’s food. On Fridays, if you’re cooking anyway, just offer to do everyone the same as you are having as you just make more. No hassle. If they don’t want it, they sort themselves out. You’ve made dinner into this massive thing. 🙄 As for getting a takeaway when you though the coast was clear, .

And yes, the subtle dig at your wife’s cooking hasn’t been missed.

Weird.

I think the takeaway is the issue here!

DIY dinner....

not much more effort to cook for 2 than to cook for 1...

Unless you fancy something different all together.

But if partner got a take away and didnt tell me.
I would be super pissed off

Just share cooking throughout the week

It's quite clear that the OP always planned to get himself a takeaway, hence the fact that he didn't buy any ingredients when he was making the rest of the family plan their meal.

Very sneaky. And he's spent this thread justifying himself. I would love for his wife to come on to Mumsnet and discuss it

Aaaaand he waited until everyone else had eaten, or said they weren't hungry, to go out to get the takeaway he had always planned on having.

Nice guy!

To me it makes no sense for four people to eat different meals on the same night.

I want a takeaway

Nope. But I make them lots of treat things at their request so my conscience is entirely clear on that one.

Except a takeaway it seems.

YANBU.

But.

If your main objective is to have a (well deserved) night off cooking, tell the family that you will be having Friday Night's free of cooking and ask them how they want to go abut it. Leave it for them to solve, rather than engineering how they manage.

Maybe your DW could cook on Friday evenings.

That would seem fair.

I think the DIY dinner sounds a terrible idea, because (a) 4 people cooking at the same time would all get in each other's way in the kitchen, (b) the level of mess and unwashed pans would quadruple, (c) it's a lot more expensive, (d) it's not much more work to cook for 4 than to cook for 1 or 2.

But the real issue here is that you got yourself a takeaway, just for yourself, without prior discussion. I would be furious is I was your dw.

It's Friday hope the DW gets takeaway for herself and kids, OP can DIY.

@ElevenSmiles

I bet the DW suffers from a lot of headaches.

😂😂😂

“my conscience is clear”

Really? Now you really do sound like a pompous arse. Take aways are treats. Apple pies, sticky toffee puddings, even favourite meals etc are treats. But a takeaway by definition is a treat one is paying for as a luxury. The fact that you only ever get your dcs takeaways on rare occasion but see fit to buy them for yourself more often sounds very animal farm to me.