DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

Christ that's long winded, maybe she's pissed off because you waffle on so much & make everything so complicated. DIY dinner fine, I do it with my own teens it's sort yourself out friday. If you're going for a takeaway its just common sense to ask if anyone wants anything. Give the kids the option of ordering in themselves then no one has to cook.

@ElevenSmiles

It's Friday hope the DW gets takeaway for herself and kids, OP can DIY.

It's Friday hope the DW gets takeaway for herself and kids, OP can DIY.

Hope he tells them to get to fuck when they expect dinner on Saturday.

DH does all the cooking in our house.

DIY dinner once a week would be fine. I’d have something-on-toast, yum. And I’d not be spending ages on washing up.

As long as I got a day off from my chores too - diy laundry, grass mowing, cleaning, ironing....

Why not just have a night when someone else cooks for everyone (your kids and wife can take it in turns or do together) and another night for a takeaway to give yourself 2 nights a week off?

There's nothing wrong with a 'fend for yourself Friday', but there's just something about the way you describe it, and about the takeaway thing, that makes it come across as though you're slightly smugly thinking "Hmmm... let's see how they all get along without my wonderful cooking... Aaand now I'm going to call their bluff by not cooking for myself at all but going and getting a solo takeaway. Ha!"

If takeaway is usually a rare family treat, I'm surprised you're surprised it pissed your wife off. If you want her to cook more, tell her. If you don't, stop playing passive aggressive games about having a day off, just have a day off and let everyone have a takeaway. Suggesting everyone cooks for theme, then sloping off for a takeaway on your own is quite obviously twatty.

I think people on here are being right twats.

The Friday night thing was discussed and (OP thought) understood and agreed by all.

I don't see why one person getting a takeaway is so contentious. So what if the kids can't do that? Are they really going to be scarred by it? And four people cooking on one night seems to work fine seeing as he says they all naturally cooked at different times.

Not quite the point but why do your dw and you get a takeaway and leave out the kids ?
That's so weird.
Getting a takeaway for yourself ' when the coast was clear ' seems a cast iron way to add insult to injury to your dw.
It's all very intense anyway , such a drama . We take a much more ad hoc approach to food.

I think YABU that you sneakily kind of cheated and got a takeaway, without asking DW or maybe even the kids if that's what they wanted last night.

It wasn't what was openly agreed beforehand, and you didn't offer them the option.

Takeaway night is a different scenario to DIY night, and usually when people have a takeaway night it's shared.

Maybe you were a bit resentful and thought you deserved a treat. But it still seems a bit cheeky.

@IntermittentParps

I think people on here are being right twats.

The Friday night thing was discussed and (OP thought) understood and agreed by all.

I don't see why one person getting a takeaway is so contentious. So what if the kids can't do that? Are they really going to be scarred by it? And four people cooking on one night seems to work fine seeing as he says they all naturally cooked at different times.

Well the OP obviously knew, deep down, he was being twatty, otherwise why would he have phrased it like this:

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry.

Havaiana....He did that to his wife last Friday.

@IntermittentParps the issue with the takeaway is that he told the children that they had to do something moderately healthy . If the discussion had been do you want to make yourself pasta and a salad or shall I get a takeaway which do you think most children would choose .

@Asterion

Aaaaand he waited until everyone else had eaten, or said they weren't hungry, to go out to get the takeaway he had always planned on having.

Nice guy!

That’s exactly what he did. The language says it. He “stole away when the coast was clear””he likes to eat nice things that he wants”.

He didn’t want to buy them a takeaway so engineered this so they all ate then when in his own words “when the coast was clear he fucked off” and bought himself one. Using his wife’s snappy well I’m not hungry anyway to justify not offering her one either.

He just doesn’t want to admit it because he knows how it makes him look.

@Asterion you have to be really mean to begrudge someone who usually cooks 7 days a week a curry to himself.

[quote Havaiana]@Asterion you have to be really mean to begrudge someone who usually cooks 7 days a week a curry to himself.[/quote]
You have to be really mean to buy yourself a curry and not offer the rest of your family.

@Bluntness100 not when 2 had already eaten and the third said she wasn’t hungry.

The OP wanted a takeaway of something the kids wouldn't have liked and his DW said she wasn't hungry

I don't get why some people think they need to walk on eggshells round their kids. In our house when I was growing up it was basically 'sometimes grown-ups do x or y and you don't get to and that's just tough.'

It’s not walking on eggshells it’s about being a family , giving everyone the same options and not treating your children like second class citizens . The OPs wife must be extremely tolerant .

No one tends to get under anyone else's feet or fight over the saucepans.
How do you know this? You’ve done it literally once, and only two of the 4 cooked- your wife didn’t bother and you snuck off for your takeaway.

[quote Havaiana]@Bluntness100 not when 2 had already eaten and the third said she wasn’t hungry.[/quote]
Cmon now. They’d only eaten because they didn’t know a takeaway was an option. If he’d been honest snd said would you like a takeaway I’m fairly sure none of them would have cooked

I’m sure you don’t even believe what you’re posting.😂

@ElevenSmiles

I bet the DW suffers from a lot of headaches.

Howling!!!🤣

OP you sound insufferable quite frankly.
So passive aggressive
You waited until the coast was clear, seriously sneaky and unpleasant .

Your only mistake was calling it "DIY Dinner". Fridays have always been "Fend for yourself" No misunderstandings. But jsut because it is fend for yourself doesn't mean that if the kids have pizza they can't do it for eachotehr or byh themselves, my DH loves cooking for me and even when I say I'll get it later he says he'll do it because he's doing somethig for himself (which is more energy efficient), it's either that or a takeaway. Getting your own takeaway, yheah that's selfish.

Maybe your DW could cook on Friday evenings.

The one thing we don't know is whether the OP does any of theo ther household chores or carries any of the mental load beyond meal planning. My gut instinct is probably not a lot. IF that is the case and his wife came home tired on a Friday night after working and keeping the house/organising the kids etc all week and expected to have dinner made for her, I can understand that she wasn't at all happy. SOmetimes by Friday you are just scraping by on empty telling yourself that in another hour or so you can sit down. TO then come home and be told you are actually expected to cook for yourself in the melee of everyone else cooking around you might well have been the last straw.

What's the betting that she doesn't take a day off from the laundry/cleaning etc?

The system sounds weirdly controlling and unreasonable, and doesn't promote 'togetherness'. Why does one person get to dictate what everyone can and cant do, but break the rules themselves?
Surely a shared takeaway or the kids taking it in turns to cook for everyone would be more of a family thing?

I love when me and DH do DIY dinners. Like you I do most of the cooking becuade I'm a better cook and I have more imagination when it comes to food. Dh, despite protesting his isn't, is quite picky when it comes to food so its great to have a night off from thinking of something we both like to eat and just eat what i want.

I think you've explained your thought process clearly and if the kids are on board then your wife is outnumbered on this one.

The only thing you're unreasonable about is the take away. Whilst you were technically sticking to what you said and you're wife said she wasn't hungry takeaways fall in the category where you must ALWAYS ask if anyone else wants one along with cups of tea and chocolate from the shop. Lesson learnt OP