DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

I think it was quite selfish to get a takeaway and not get one for the kids. If you want a night off cooking why not arrange a take away or pick up some kind of oven / pre prepared meal when you do the shopping? Like pizza or filled pasta or I dunno burgers and buns?
Then your wife or dc1 could assemble that as it doesn't really take much cooking.
Sounds like a miscommunication but like pp's have said I'm not sure why you posted as you're nor very receptive to feedback.

I don't think the idea is selfish, though struggle to see how it would work unless you have an enormous kitchen! Trying to imagine us in ours all trying to make different stuff. If you all went one after another, none would eat together either.

Besides that, I don't realy get why she didn't just order takeaway or shove something in the microwave. But I can see why she might be a bit pissed off if she figured the DIY thing was kids doing their own, and you doing both of yours..especially as you seem to imply shes not very good at cooking!

Don't think either is wrong in this really.

They need practice cooking for just themself not others.

Totally agree.

When I got married i could cook, because I had been cooking family meals from being about 10 - so I could confidently cook for six. . . however, it took me a long time to work out quantities for two, and would cook HUGE quantities of potatoes, because "that's how many I needed to do".

Sorry, managed t miss the bottom line totally somehow

My kids would be annoyed if we got a takeaway after telling bthem to cook their own tbh. Seems a bit like you got them to do that, as a get out clause so you only had to pay for 2 takeaways. I know thats not what happened, but its possible how I would view the situation when a lot younger!

BTW - I agree that a takeaway was selfish.

Why not just have a takeaway night if that's what you are going to do, and everybody have one?

I should maybe give in, you only got the takeaway for yourself when she had had nothing?

Either way, the idea of DIY dinner is certainly not selfish, and could infact increase DCs skills in the kitchen. But I think you and your partner need to have a talk about how it will work if she disagrees with it..

@SchadenfreudePersonified

They need practice cooking for just themself not others.

Totally agree.

When I got married i could cook, because I had been cooking family meals from being about 10 - so I could confidently cook for six. . . however, it took me a long time to work out quantities for two, and would cook HUGE quantities of potatoes, because "that's how many I needed to do".

Exactly and not only how to portion food for themself healthily and according to their appetite but also to get in the habit of cooking even when they are alone. Too many young adults end up with bad eating habits or microwave meals because they either can only cook for couples/groups or it feels too strange/unfamiliar to just cook for yourself. Practice makes it both easy and familiar and engrains a good habit to carry them into young adulthood.

There is nothing wrong in encouraging dc to learn to cook for themselves.

It is also fine to want a night off cooking.

But having a sneaky takeaway is very odd. Why not just have a family takeaway some Fridays.

@lottiegarbanzo

How do the DCs feel about your takeaway btw? Do they have access to family money to buy themselves a takeaway if they so choose?

Nope. But I make them lots of treat things at their request so my conscience is entirely clear on that one.

I think the takeaway for OP was because he seriously wanted a night off from cooking...even from cooking for just him.
I do agree it’s going to cause resentment if DIY dinner is DCs cooking for themselves and parent(s) getting takeaway.
We have our own DIY/SDS night but no one gets a takeaway. We have takeaway nights separately for all who want one (although these are rare).

Nah, takeaway is a treat, in a way that even the best homecooked food is not. (And even though it's often not as good / nice as good homecooked food).

What’s the real motivation for DIY dinner? If it’s to get a night off cooking, then say so, get a takeaway, get DW to cook for you? If it’s because you resent cooking your amazing food for your family then you need to rethink the division of chores, including cooking.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I am sorry that I haven't appeared terribly receptive to comments, but I see that I do need to work out what my priorities are: getting the DCs to cook or getting a break, which I think I do actually need. I was a bit of a zombie on the evening in question.

If DW brings up the takeaway I will tell her that I was simply utterly worn out, fit for nothing, and I didn't want to make the effort of cooking myself something, the kids had already eaten, and that was that - and buy her something nice if it turned out she'd wanted some.

As for the kids cooking for themselves - kitchen chaos comments are duly noted, but the truth is that that worked really well, kitchen wasn't in chaos, and hopefully it will continue. They enjoyed what they made and I am proud of them.

Thanks again.

And how come you had so sneak out 'when the coast was clear' if your conscience is so clean?

Are you saying that you think you having a takeaway is fine but you know your DC would not agree? So actually you don't care what anybody else in your hosuehold thinks?

In which case why are you asking us???

No, getting a takeaway for yourself is selfish regardless of what 'treats' you make them. I would kick DH's arse if he did that to me.

How would you feel if your wife did this to you?

OP I don’t really get what the problem is with your arrangement beyond miscommunication. I find this a perfectly normal thing to do, everyone gets to eat what they fancy, when they fancy one night per week and you can have a night off cooking for everyone. I also really don’t see what the problem is with you choosing to get a takeaway for yourself with your own money and I wouldn't begrudge my DH this. When I was growing up we would often have a meals (more usually lunches using up bits and pieces or general store cupboard stuff) like this at weekends once me and my siblings were able to make food for ourselves. My mum was/is a meticulous about food waste (did you know you can freeze cheese?!) and she was quite happy for us all to do this (my dad also cooked weekend dinners so it wasn't just so she could have a break).

In the last 6 months (lockdown/wfh) my DH and I have cooked/eaten together twice daily which is way more than we ever have in 11 years. Every week or so one of us will suggest we do our own thing. It is a pleasurable small piece of independence to make things geared to our own tastes and eat as and when we are hungry. Your kids seem into it, have another conversation with your wife and hopefully you can get to an agreement you're all happy with.

So, your conscience is clear and you have a well-prepared defence to your wife to explain how your actions were justified.

I really have no idea why you bothered posting this thread

@BatShite

Sorry, managed t miss the bottom line totally somehow

My kids would be annoyed if we got a takeaway after telling bthem to cook their own tbh. Seems a bit like you got them to do that, as a get out clause so you only had to pay for 2 takeaways. I know thats not what happened, but its possible how I would view the situation when a lot younger!

You’ve totally missed more than the bottom line. He only had to buy one takeaway because he snuck out without telling the wife either. That’s what the posts about, his wife is upset

[quote SarahAndQuack]@middleclassproblem - Well, you are the one who started to take it to extremes!

All I was saying was the wife might feel narked if she perceived this as a fair division of chores turning into something where she was doing a bit more. Not hard to understand, surely?

The OP says it's not that, so let's not worry.[/quote]
Perfectly clear, and I completely agree with you.

Of course tasks will never be 100% equal but if there is an agreed split and then one party decided to offload so of their tasks of course the other party might be unhappy about it.

In other words, OP how would you feel if your wife decided that one of the tasks she does daily she will stop doing and you have to do it instead?

@Aswad

I’m not sure why OP is being given a hard time Cooking is a massive task and I would love it if my DH cooked 4 nights out of 5. YANBU to want a night off. The takeaway thing I don’t blame you for. To unwind I’ll often sit in the car and eat a takeaway. Sorry but it’s true! I don’t want to be disturbed by anyone and just want a few minutes to think

And of course you couldn’t possibly have done that if you’d kindly bought your family a takeaway too

To use a well worn Mumsnet phrase, you sound like hard work OP.

I'm in your role as the cook and the person that buys all the food, meal plans etc. I also like eating nice food hence I do this role as I'm the best cook.

But I'm not adverse to having a few nice ready meals in the freezer (eg Cook, M&S, Charles Bingley etc) or even just a decent pizza express pizza fir when I can't be arsed. We also budget for a takeaway pretty regularly or Sunday roast at the pub.

Everyone cooking for themselves seems to be teaching your kids the wrong lesson about being a member of a household in my opinion.

And sneaking off for a takeaway is really prickish behaviour, especially when this stupid idea was yours in the first place.

I think I've got a bit confused- what does your wife feel is selfish, that you got a takeaway, or the whole DIY dinner thing? Because if the former (and I know you've said your conscience is clear, but I still do think it was mean) then I very much get her point, but if the latter, she is BU and sounds rather like her main complaint is that no one was cooking for her.

So, you weren't clear as to what a DIY dinner meant. It could have meant a help yourself to a collection of things. Then your wife was upset, tired and hungry, and you went out and got yourself a takeaway? Without offering her one? No wonder she was cross.

Makes more sense to have a takeaway night or easy dinner like frozen pizza, fish & chips night rather than DIY night.
Or DIY night for the kids as they seem happy and you and your DW take it in turns to cook. Surely your DW could cook a pizza?

I bet the DW suffers from a lot of headaches.