DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

I’m not sure why OP is being given a hard time
Cooking is a massive task and I would love it if my DH cooked 4 nights out of 5. YANBU to want a night off. The takeaway thing I don’t blame you for. To unwind I’ll often sit in the car and eat a takeaway. Sorry but it’s true! I don’t want to be disturbed by anyone and just want a few minutes to think

Cooking 4 seperate meals seems like a massive waste of ingredients money etc ....

We did this once a week when the dc were teens though called it Every Man for Himself night! (Sorry Mumsnet) But we would never have gone off and got a takeaway. Anyone cooking something would ask if anyone else fancied what they were doing and if not would do it for themselves. Both dc left home able to cook very well, job done. I think your problem was just miscommunication.

@Aswad

I’m not sure why OP is being given a hard time Cooking is a massive task and I would love it if my DH cooked 4 nights out of 5. YANBU to want a night off. The takeaway thing I don’t blame you for. To unwind I’ll often sit in the car and eat a takeaway. Sorry but it’s true! I don’t want to be disturbed by anyone and just want a few minutes to think

Thanks... I feel bad about the takeaway but you've more or less described why I got one.

Your DIY dinner night doesn't give you your desired night off cooking - unless you get a takeaway every time.

Your DW doesn't want to cook, she already does her share of household chores. I can understand her thinking that you'd cook for the adults, the DCs would do their own thing. This also makes sense as a continuation of the DCs' cooking education.

To me, takeaways are treats, not simple replacement meals (too expensive and unhealthy for that to be the case). I'd see a takeaway as a bit of an 'occasion' to be experienced together as a family.

An omlette, pasta pesto, leftovers, something from the freezer - those are simple low to no cook 'lazy' meals.

So, I think you and your DW need to have the same thing on 'DIY Fridays'. Either you cook / heat up something extra simple, or you get both of you a takeaway. The latter might not go down well with the DCs.

DIY dinner is fine.

Going out for takeaway without telling your wife? YWBU and shitty. It's not like you cooked something complex that she hated, you were just having a lazy evening (nothing wrong with takeaway but if you wanted a night off just get everyone takeaway!)

@TomPinch As for what people think about the rest of the arrangement, I genuinely am thinking about what people have said.

I really hope you are thinking about how this impacts on your DC. As you have already stated your DW is unhappy with this ‘individualistic approach’. I would be with her.

Your DC do need to learn to look after themselves but they are both still children. You are their parents. You cannot abrogate responsibility for them just because you are bored of cooking or fancy a takeaway. And clearly from your PPs your youngest DC struggles with the cooking which is entirely age appropriate for a pre-teen. Poor kids.

How would you feel if your DW decided the DC had to wash their own clothes and they ended up going to school in filthy sweaty uniform because they didn’t know how to do it properly? But she sent her clothes to a laundrette. You did the equivalent of that last Friday. It was selfish and ill thought out. If you need to renegotiate housework with your DW, do it, but don’t neglect your DC and place them in the middle of a toxic situation.

[quote TomPinch]@Scweltish

Exactly what I thought. The op sounds seriously obsessive about food

I do enjoy it.

People have seemed to skim over the fact that he cooks every night because his wife’s cooking isn’t good enough and he ‘likes to eat nice food’. People are thinking she’s not cooking because she’s lazy, when rather it’s him thinking her foods crap

I have not said this. Nor do I think it.

Now because he wants a Friday off cooking, he’s orchestrated it so all of his family have to fend for themselves. He could have just done a rota for someone else to cook every Friday, but of course their cooking isn’t good enough for him.

A nice idea, but there are problems with it. DC1 finds it difficult to cook for 4 people. She would probably still be at it by bedtime, doing this and that and there really would have been chaos in the kitchen. So I thought a good way of taking the pressure of would be for her (along with everyone else) simply cook for herself without the pressure of cooking for everyone. Same with DC2. And for both of them it worked really very well.

That the pressure comes off me a little is a bonus, but isn't it the job of parents to make themselves redundant?

He’d rather arrange it so his children and wife have to take turns making separate meals with whatever they’ve got in the kitchen, while he sneaks out to treat himself for a curry.

The arrangement was agreed upon in sufficient time for the children to put the things they wanted on the shopping list. So, they were hardly scratching around in the fridge for leftovers. I honestly hadn't decided what I was going to have, so I would have had to pop down to the shop anyway.[/quote]
DC1 finds it difficult to cook for 4 people

That’s easily solvable. You get your dcs to cook together. You teach them how to work as a team and make a meal of a weekend. Then they cook it the following Friday.

You still haven’t answered the comments about getting a takeaway as a family.

@NameChange2PostThis

I suggested the arrangement to my children - for one night a week - and they were keen on the idea and wanted to try it. It certainly wan't something that I had to persuade them to do at all. Both of them are well able to cook simple things - and in the case of DC1 complicated things too - but just not for en entire family of 4. Both of them are capable of doing things like chopping up vegetables, cooking eggs, frying sausages, cooking rice, and they both take pride in being able to do those things.

If I thought they weren't up to it, I wouldn't have suggested it as it would have spoiled their confidence. If they got fed up with the idea, of if it just wasn't working, then I'd call it off.

We don't make our DCs wash their own clothes, fwiw.

I would be miffed about the takeaway too. That is really selfish.

I'm in charge of the food in our house in terms of meal planning, shopping and being the main cook. DH really doesn't like cooking but he looks after the simple dinners like lasagne, pizza and fish/salad because he knows I can't be arsed to cook every single night. Perhaps you should do something like that?

Why is the op a twat for getting a takeaway when their wife had already announced she wasn't hungry and didn't want anything ?

Don’t ask DW whether you were selfish and unreasonable getting a takeaway - just say sorry - it’s that simple . Then talk together about how you’re going to organise your one night off from cooking a week . Also I suggest you ask her if there’s a chore she’d like an exit visa from too .

So I think you need to decide on your objectives:

Give the DCs cooking practice? Great, either get them to cook for everyone between them, or they do their things, you do you and DW's.

Give yourself a night off cooking? Make it a 'using up leftovers night', or a 'make your own omlette' night etc.

After decades of cooking I cannot be arsked. OH luckily discovered cooking and is a convert, his pastry, cakes, are better than mine so we take it in turns DS when he is home from uni. cooks us some meals too. OH not sure about enchilladas, tacos, curries but chef chooses and you eat without complaint in my book.

Oh come on, there's hungry and hungry. Have to make myself something? No, not that hungry. You're offering me some takeaway? Ooh, well, I've found my appetite.

Nobody is every really 'hungry' for puddings. They still manage to find space when offered.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo

Why is the op a twat for getting a takeaway when their wife had already announced she wasn't hungry and didn't want anything ?

The OP didn't ask their children if they wanted a takeaway.

Suggesting that everyone cooks for themselves is very different from getting yourself a secret takeaway (or why get it once "the coast was clear" )

It's all right if everyone is on board with this but unfortunately it sounds like that may not the case. It's never easy to get a unanimous opinion of an entire family.

I think the whole concept of everyone cooking for themselves separately in the same household at the same time is a bit bananas to be honest! Four lots of mess, four different meals & four people using their time cooking & clearing up! Also v unkind to treat yourself to a takeaway on the sly while the kids cook for themselves & wife goes without. Appreciate you do all the cooking and want a night off - either get someone else to cook or get a takeaway for all the family.

I don't like the idea of everyone "fending for themselves" one day a week, unless it's a case of making a sandwich or using up leftovers.

I think it's more beneficial for children to learn to cook a meal for the family than for themselves, so that's what I'd encourage. Either that or plan in advance and have an easy meal every Friday (again, sandwiches, leftovers, something in the freezer than just needs reheating).

The sneaky takeaway would annoy me, if I were your wife. You should've asked her, since you knew she hadn't eaten. I know she said she wasn't hungry, but it only takes a second to ask!

Sneaking off and having a takeaway seems mean to me. I could never do that. And even DIY night is a bit odd. Why is it ok for you to have the time to cook for yourself but not your wife? I can understand why you want your kids to learn to cook and sort of why you think they wouldn't be able to do it for four people, but what has your poor wife done to be excluded? If you need a night off and you are desperate for the kids to do their own thing couldn't she cook for you both?

I feel bad about the takeaway but you've more or less described why I got one

Did you eat yours alone in the car too?

DIY dinner is inspired

We do this too only we call it SDS night on our weekly menu.

SDS= Se debrouillier seuls, or fend for self. I suppose that would be FFS dinner in English but FFS has different meaning in UK!

It’s not selfish. It’s good preparation for when DCs are independent at uni or in first flat. They need practice cooking for just themself not others.

DIY dinner is fine, but getting a takeaway without checking if she wanted any is pretty selfish.

How do the DCs feel about your takeaway btw? Do they have access to family money to buy themselves a takeaway if they so choose?