DIY dinner: is it selfish?

[TomPinch]

I do all the cooking for my family, and cooked for DW since before the DCs were born. I cook a lot from scratch: everyone likes this and I get a sense of achievement from it. Over the last decade I have produced numberless pies, puddings, roasts, casseroles, cakes, pasties, biscuits, patisserie, flans and loaves of bread from my oven.

I have two DCs: one teenage, one pre-teen. Over the years I have taught them some cooking skills: sometimes they help me with dinner. My older DC can make delicious things but struggles with organisation. My younger DC's cooking is simpler, but healthy. The DCs and I have a weekly washing up roster.

DW does cook occasionally, but, tbh, I cook much better and I like eating nice things. Also she is often too tired in the evenings, so it's simpler for me to do it.

Recently I had the idea of making Friday DIY dinner day. My idea is that each Friday everyone makes their own dinner, chooses what they have (as long as it's reasonably healthy) and does their own dishes and utensils. I put forward the idea and it met with general approval - or so I thought. I did it partly so that the children could cook without the pressure of having to make something everyone liked or cooking (and worrying about ruining) 4 people's dinner.

Also, to be honest, I fancy an evening off, but at the same time getting to eat what I want. I am as tired as a dog most evenings after work and sometimes feel that I cook by auto pilot. Also I really do make everyone lots of nice things, and I feel like treating myself.

DC1 made an enormous home-made pizza. DC2 fried an egg, cooked some pasta and made a simple salad. Both were content. But DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish, and that the children will learn better if they take turns cooking for everyone rather than simply for themselves.

It came to a head when (once I thought the coast was clear) I stole out and got a takeaway curry. She got cross and went to bed early.

I would be grateful for people's views.

YABU = DW is right and DIY dinner is selfish.
YANBU = DW is wrong and DIY dinner is fine.

Cmon now. They’d only eaten because they didn’t know a takeaway was an option. If he’d been honest snd said would you like a takeaway I’m fairly sure none of them would have cooked

But it’s still OP carrying the mental load of dinner isn’t it? One night a week you just don’t want to be bothered about feeding anyone else (especially when everyone can feed themselves).Get them used to fending for them selves on Fridays, there’ll be plenty of opportunities for takeaways (if the family can afford it).

Not gonna read 10 pages but I think you’ve been pretty shitty to enforce this diy healthy dinner then wait til the dc made theirs, your dw is pissed off then you steal away to get an unhealthy takeaway.

Your bitter resentment is showing.

What's the betting that she doesn't take a day off from the laundry/cleaning etc

I don't know. Nearly everyone eats every day, but laundry and cleaning doesn't really have to happen every day.

carrying the mental load of dinner I’ve heard it all , it’s cooking fgs not brain surgery , and I say that as someone who does all the cooking unless I’m sick .

But it’s still OP carrying the mental load of dinner isn’t it

Oh now you’re reaching. He was going there anyway. Cmon. Give it up. You know it is shitty, his diy dinner thing is fine but not so he can plan to have a takeaway and not buy them one. Which is exactly what his plan was.

Honestly family cooking has stripped me of much of my enthusiasm for cooking.
I get bone tired of having to plan, shop and cook meals. So I really do get that part.

But tempting though it is sneaky takeaways for one are pretty selfish.

I’m not understanding the histrionics (from people replying or OP’s wife).

DIY dinner sounds great. Plus everyone agreed. Why has she got a crab up her ass?

DIY dinner isn’t a big deal (although, personally, I wouldn’t leave my pre teen child to sort their own dinner out).

Sneaking out for a take away is really poor behaviour. You don’t sound very nice at all, although I’m pretty sure from you weirdly PA tone that you were anticipating being told that you’re some sort of super hero and that your wife is a dreadful meanie

I love Fend For Yourself nights, we have them quite a lot. THis is because our favourite foods are very different - on of us would live on meat and potatoes, one on Italian food, one on curries or stir fry, one is a chicken nuggets kind of gal.

It means we can rustle up something to suit ourselves.

@HorsePellets

I’m not understanding the histrionics (from people replying or OP’s wife).

DIY dinner sounds great. Plus everyone agreed. Why has she got a crab up her ass?

She said “Selfish” not “Shellfish”

@Londonmummy66

Maybe your DW could cook on Friday evenings.

The one thing we don't know is whether the OP does any of theo ther household chores or carries any of the mental load beyond meal planning. My gut instinct is probably not a lot. IF that is the case and his wife came home tired on a Friday night after working and keeping the house/organising the kids etc all week and expected to have dinner made for her, I can understand that she wasn't at all happy. SOmetimes by Friday you are just scraping by on empty telling yourself that in another hour or so you can sit down. TO then come home and be told you are actually expected to cook for yourself in the melee of everyone else cooking around you might well have been the last straw.

What's the betting that she doesn't take a day off from the laundry/cleaning etc?

The OP says early in the thread that other chores are fairly spread. And later says “ My DW has no concerns about the amount of chores that I do generally and often encourages me to take a break. She is also brutally honest. If she felt that I was unilaterally trying to shed the load unfairly, she would certainly have said so. ”

If they are both too tired to cook in a Friday night the DW could suggest a takeaway. Or plan to cook something at weekends that could go in the freezer for Fridays. Or sling something in the slow cooker in the morning. The OP cooked every day and the OP and the kids share the washing up.

@Calic0

DIY dinner means, to me, making use of bits and pieces in the cupboard and fridge to produce a random meal to your own taste. That’s fine. It does not mean buggering off and buying yourself a curry, deliberately excluding your partner. That’s mean and selfish.

This. Absolutely.

@BarbaraofSeville

What's the betting that she doesn't take a day off from the laundry/cleaning etc

I don't know. Nearly everyone eats every day, but laundry and cleaning doesn't really have to happen every day.

Exactly!

Also, as someone said upthread somewhere, my gut feeling is that this is a reversal and it's a woman writing this....

There is nothing more relentless than being the only cook in the house
Fast forward a few more years of being the only one to provide food and you will want to scream if you hear the words I am hungry! Get them all trained up now! And no, you are not unreasonable having a night off (and nipping to the takeaway) everyone sort themselves out on a Friday night, or perhaps they could look after you!

DIY dinner should mean DIY dinner - you didn't DIY if you got a takeaway.

@Bluntness100

But it’s still OP carrying the mental load of dinner isn’t it

Oh now you’re reaching. He was going there anyway. Cmon. Give it up. You know it is shitty, his diy dinner thing is fine but not so he can plan to have a takeaway and not buy them one. Which is exactly what his plan was.

I genuinely feel like this. If you’re responsible day in day out for feeding people, you want a break sometimes.

I do think if you cook 7 days a week you deserve to get a treat for yourself without thinking about how to feed others.

If OP said he plans to get a takeaway for himself every Friday wiithout telling others that they are welcome to get their own then that would be different.

@feelingfree17

There is nothing more relentless than being the only cook in the house Fast forward a few more years of being the only one to provide food and you will want to scream if you hear the words I am hungry! Get them all trained up now! And no, you are not unreasonable having a night off (and nipping to the takeaway) everyone sort themselves out on a Friday night, or perhaps they could look after you!

Exactly! Relentless and grinding.

DW did not understand that by "DIY dinner" I meant that everyone made their own, including her. She has now told the children and me that she considers this arrangement is selfish

Your DW is selfish and childish and her temper tantrum at being 'told' she has to start cooking once a week after being catered to for decades is not immature but nasty.
Even the kids are able to cook for themselves!

Stop pandering to her and tell her she could always grow up and shoulder some of the parental responsibility in feeding her family - and self!

The simplest solution to this is to mark Fridays as your 'date night' - you get the kids to cook their own meals - either on their own or together if they can think of something they want to share.

Then later you and your wife get a nice takeaway to share together with a bottle of wine.

You get a night off, kids get to be responsible for some cooking, your wife doesn't feel left out.

Cooking for one is an important skill, I never really learned, I always cooked for my whole family growing up. So when I lived on my own, I couldn’t be bothered to cook for myself and made unhealthy choices, like toast or a takeout. So I think it’s a good idea.

I have not RTFT but getting a takeaway whenn other people are not sounds really off to me.

And the DIY dinner thing is not something I would enjoy, seems like a waste and a faff to me...

Just all get a takeaway together once a week? Or each have a favourite ready-meal type meal that is bought in advance so no-one has to cook?

@Havaiana

I disagree. If you’re cooking nearly every night then you should be bloody well able to get yourself a takeaway one night a week if you want to!

Why didn’t the DW think to get a takeaway for herself and everyone?

I can see why it’s annoying to be seen as default food provider EVERY night.

This!

YANBU

Let’s be completely honest here OP, your wife was annoyed because she came home tired expecting to be fed and discovered that nothing had been prepared and then to add insult to injury, you sneak out later to buy yourself a takeaway. It’s got nothing to do with everyone taking turns but you not communicating your plans to her adequately and yes, I think you were being a bit selfish too.

I’m the one who does all the cooking as DH simply isn't interested in food and if I’ve not cooked, he will eat a bowl of cornflakes or a tin of tomato soup for his evening dinner and he won’t care.

However, I think he’d be a bit put out if I bought a takeaway without inviting him to order anything.

DIY dinner in theory is ok. Nipping our fir a take away without asking others is very rude and selfish.

Your e we ifs’s idea if a rita for Friday nights is much more manageable from a cost and consistency point if view.

There’s no reason why you can’t all agree that one night is take away and be flexible as to when that is. But being sneaky to go get one just for yourself is selfish and would really piss me off. Even if I’d already made my own dinner. It’s the sneaky aspect. That’s underhanded. For that alone it would be a big YABU