Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

471 replies

MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 10:58

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

OP posts:
ArabellaScott · 25/09/2020 12:27

Could I suggest putting aside the marriage issue, for the moment?

I think you need to look closely at your relationship. Perhaps some counselling/marriage guidance sessions are in order. Or perhaps just some active listening, where you both get to explore and discuss any problems. It sounds a bit meh, I did it once with my DP and fucking hell, did stuff come up that I wasn't expecting. It was, frankly, terrifying. It also really helped us look at things that we'd both been skirting around and avoiding looking at. So it's worth it.

Some ideas/suggestions for this type of thing here: twodrifters.us/blog/couples-communication-exercises.html

I think the 'marriage' issue has maybe become a symbol of various other issues, and is now very emotive and hot-button for you. So I think it might help to look at the underlying issues, and work out the marriage thing later. Good luck. Flowers

ImSleepingBeauty · 25/09/2020 12:28

I feel like I was conned into giving the baby his name
YANBU to feel this way and this is the crux for me. He’s mislead you.

I also wouldn’t want to be the one ‘nagging’ him into marriage. Either he wants to marry you, in which case set a date or he doesn’t. In which case you need to decide whether it’s a deal breaker.

On the surface it seems silly to end a happy relationship and home over it. However, given the fact he clearly hasn’t been straight with you, the discussion regarding your son’s surname and the fact it is important to you, I wouldn’t blame you for walking away.

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 12:29

MangoMarmalade

"He just got really stern which is so unlike him,when I announced I wanted the baby to have my surname and absolutely insisted on giving his!."

So he's quite insistent about adhering to the all the old-fashioned bollocks about traditional "male" and "female" roles in the relationship but apparently not prepared to follow through with the traditional responsibilities a man is expected to discharge towards his partner and dependents. Hmm

OP I think you are better off not marrying him. But I also think how dare he lay this "stern" shit on you when he's cherrypicking the bits of the "traditional" relationship that suit him and ignoring the bits which suit you.

stillfeelingmad · 25/09/2020 12:30

I agree that he's not very traditional and it's just an excuse my oh is quite old fashioned/traditional, he was one who wanted to propose. He saved up got it done and proposed. He also believes that once married everything is fully joint including his much higher wage and that it's an honour to provide for
Your wife while she's on maternity. He was adamant no kids before marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ your partner sounds like he's just kicking the can down the road I'm
Afraid.

Doesn't mean he's a bad dad or bad guy just clearly doesn't want to get married and needs to be upfront about it

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:30

@Bravefarts seems weird to change surname to DP's and remain a 'Miss'

OP posts:
KeepingPlain · 25/09/2020 12:33

He's never going to marry you. But that's not necessarily bad, you'll not be able to protect your house from him if you get married, so he'd get a share in it.

billy1966 · 25/09/2020 12:34

Yes OP,
He has betrayed you.
He's not to be trusted.

You need to think of your children and protect their home legally.

That should be your concern.
You need to work on your boundaries.

First protect your children's home.
Secondly, plan on returning to work.
Thirdly, accumulate some mone in an account so that you aren't left high and dry.

He's shown you he has changed his mind about what he said he would do when you had his child.

He knows that you can be bullied so he insisted you give your baby his name as that gives him rights.

You need to forget about weddings and wake up to protecting yourself and your children from a man who can change his mind and go back on his word.

Protect yourself Flowers

thepeopleversuswork · 25/09/2020 12:34

@stillfeelingmad

I agree that he's not very traditional and it's just an excuse my oh is quite old fashioned/traditional, he was one who wanted to propose. He saved up got it done and proposed. He also believes that once married everything is fully joint including his much higher wage and that it's an honour to provide for Your wife while she's on maternity. He was adamant no kids before marriage 🤷🏻‍♀️ your partner sounds like he's just kicking the can down the road I'm Afraid.

Doesn't mean he's a bad dad or bad guy just clearly doesn't want to get married and needs to be upfront about it

Exactly. He can't have it both ways. Either he's a "traditional" man in the old-fashioned model with all the obligations that brings or he's not.
Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:34

@Cocomarine ok it's not about commitment but it is about respect I feel.

Respecting me enough to say , I want you to be my wife. Maybe it's about other people which I know is the worst reason. Why are others good enough to get proposed to and I'm not?

Why am I not worth the hassle or whatever.

OP posts:
myhobbyisouting · 25/09/2020 12:35

Look, all this man and wife bollocks is going to put your kids security at risk. It's not worth it.

In your situation you shouldn't marry him. Why not try and change your thinking. It's not all roses and romance, especially since he doesn't want to marry. You will always know that.

Also, he's not calm 99% of the time. He's calm when he's in control. When he can see he doesn't have full control he gets very, very angry.

I think history might be repeating itself.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:36

Also it might be worth mentioning that in the area we live in, it's more unusual to be a 'Miss' and have a different name to your child.

OP posts:
KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 25/09/2020 12:38

The thing is you either prioritise being married before children or you don't, it was very important to me to be married before having children so I made sure contraception was covered and didn't stop using it until after we were married I made this very clear to DH from early in our relationship. I have friends who have children and either got married later or have no plan to, it's all fine and personal choice, but if it was so important to be married and all have the same name (doesn't have to be his name btw) surely you get married first? It doesn't sound like your mutual child was unplanned?
I firmly agree with previous advice about the house too, that's yours. Any decent man wouldn't want to take it anyway and would be happy to sign a legal document, after all it's providing him with free accommodation that's enough of a bonus. I owned a flat before DH which we lived in together and sold before we bought our house, he didn't own a property, he really insisted that we get something drawn up to protect my equity should the worst happen.

Ohwhatbliss · 25/09/2020 12:38

If he wants another baby you insist on being married first 🤷🏻‍♀️ If he is planning to propose anyway he should get on with it. He refuses, you walk

Chocaholic9 · 25/09/2020 12:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You wanted that commitment. He said he'd give it to you. He didn't. End of.

AmandaHugenkiss · 25/09/2020 12:39

[quote MangoMarmalade]@Bravefarts seems weird to change surname to DP's and remain a 'Miss' [/quote]
You don’t need to be married to use Mrs, I believe:

deedpolloffice.com/advice/not-getting-married

As an aside, definitely get a will because if you get hit by a bus tomorrow you want to know that all of your children are financially secure not just the one that is his. You hold more financial cards in this situation than him. On the bright side, if he was a real dick he would realise this, and marry you purely for a claim on your financial assets. So that, coupled with the fact he pays all the bills and treats all your kids like his, tells me he’s probably a decent guy overall.

You could change your surname to his, use Mrs and call him your partner. Or you could not; if marriage is really important to you it’s your choice. But I’d suggest counselling either way, to address the issue, and a really honest talk where you establish if he ever really wants marriage.

Original poster
MangoMarmalade · 25/09/2020 12:39

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit my first two kids aren't his, I had them very young. I have them their dads surname cos I was I love and stupid.

Had a child with DP based on promises and clearly that was stupid too.

OP posts:
Antonin · 25/09/2020 12:40

Your BF is showing a lack of commitment for the long term. I’d always worry that he was waiting to see if a better offer would come up and that issue would remain if he proposes under duress.
Can you get some counselling to come to terms with the situation and to identify what is really important to you and how that can be achieved? That would be an investment in your future.
When you are sure of what you really want then get couple counselling with RELATE which will inform him of your basic insecurities etc and you of his feelings about our relationship.
Good luck

Chocaholic9 · 25/09/2020 12:41

[quote MangoMarmalade]@Bravefarts seems weird to change surname to DP's and remain a 'Miss' [/quote]
Nah don't do it. I don't see why you should bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate him and his broken promises.

DramaDromedary · 25/09/2020 12:41

It strikes me you’re in a fairly precarious position. On the one hand, you have a huge asset in that mortgage free house. But on the other hand, your partner (who doesn’t seem hugely committed) pays all the day to day expenses, and you have no way of generating cash yourself. If I were you, I’d sell the house, buy somewhere for half the price, and use the profit you take to train yourself for a career with prospects. You’re so young. Don’t end up on your own with 3 kids to support and nothing to support them with! Put the marriage thing aside, and use that amazing inheritance to set yourself up forever.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 25/09/2020 12:41

I think in your shoes I'd find it very hard to get past the lying. It seems so cynical and disrespectful. However breaking up the family is a very big deal. I don't know what to advise, but for me this would be curtains.

Bravefarts · 25/09/2020 12:42

@MangoMarmalade you can you Mrs or Ms, whatever you like.

Feminism did happen.

Whatever your question is, marriage isn't the answer here. Unless you want to give away your home.

helpmum2003 · 25/09/2020 12:42

OP he has lied to you and for me it would be a deal breaker. (Whatever one's personal view on marriage)

Don't marry him now even if he asks because of the house.

I would assess your financial situation and get a job so you're in a stronger position if you decide to leave. And definitely don't have another baby with him.

sergeilavrov · 25/09/2020 12:48

I’d suggest going by “Ms” not “Miss.” If being married is unusual locally, there will be an assumption of “Mrs” anyway - you have no obligation to correct them.

Think about the reasons you want to get married - the child’s surname, security. Then think of other ways to achieve those things without getting married.

If you felt intimidated into giving your DC his surname, then you have grounds to change it. This is especially true given the verbal commitment he made (even better if he ever texted) was not followed through. It’s the nuclear option, but you can get the surname changed if he won’t double barrel.

Viviennemary · 25/09/2020 12:48

For some reason he does not want to get married. If it was just a piece of paper and meant nothing then he would marry you. It depends how important getting married is to you. Ask him why he doesn't want yo get married.

Redraptor · 25/09/2020 12:49

I use this example quite a bit when friends talk of wanted to get married

Years ago (like 15yrs) my friend "A" and I were both in relationships. We both had desires to marry and thought our ohs did to. Weirdly at a similar time it became clear neither of our ohs did want to get married. After deliberation (separately, we didnt discuss with each other until later) I decided I didnt want to marry anyone else, just my oh so I accepted he didnt want to marry (he changed his mind 5yrs ago).

"A" however realised that to her marriage was more important to her then the person she was currently with so broke it off to find someone else

What is your priority? Being married or being with your partner?