Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

[MangoMarmalade]

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

[quote SomeOtherGirl]@MangoMarmalade why don't you propose to him? Would there be an option for GPs to have the children for a long weekend honeymoon? You could do two or three long weekends to make it more special.

Just an idea. Xx[/quote]
FFS, read the OP. She proposed, he said no.

Omg. I wouldn’t marry him at all.

You say he’s not interested in taking half your house. Your only asset.

Men tend to change when going thro a break up, I bet there are many many women who’s ex’s promised they’d step up and take care of their financial responsibilities towards their families then screwed over their trusting ex wives/girlfriends/partners when they split up.

Go see a solicitor, ensure your P has no right over your property in the case of a break up.

Double barrel your babies name (put your name on the end).

Look for a job to start getting back your financial independence.

Do not have any more children with this man. Well you could but I wouldn’t, he’s in debt up to his eyeballs and a liar.

You know your P could do his own personal assessment, it would take some time but all he has to do is pull out his P60’s and file his income online. The HMRC fines are just going to continue mounting up otherwise. Why is he so reluctant to do this?

Years worth of no tax returns?
And you want to marry him?

I think your head is in the sand as much as his is.
Why don't you open the letters?

And for Christ sake, don't marry him. You could lose your home.

💐

I think you need to prioritise your immediate wellbeing, and put this on the back burner for a while. Is there anyone who could have the baby for an hour or two? I’d lose the plot completely in your position.

I’m a bit cross with him tbh, making those comments about your mental health but never allowing you a rest

[quote SomeOtherGirl]@MangoMarmalade why don't you propose to him? Would there be an option for GPs to have the children for a long weekend honeymoon? You could do two or three long weekends to make it more special.

Just an idea. Xx[/quote]
SomeOtherGirl read the thread.

She's already asked him, he's said no. And its since become apparent marrying him would be financial suicide.

Ok so I would suggest marriage is not a good move for you given the circumstances (just the financial aspect and his tax situation). As for him not wanting to get married... I suspect he’s lead you on with this for a long time and never really had any intention of doing it but thought maybe his stance would change... it didn’t. The move with the last names though is unforgivable.
The thing that stood out to me is he keeps talking about tradition, if he was a traditional man he would have refused to have children before marriage, would probably feel uncomfortable living in your house etc. He is just picking and choosing what suits him. Perhaps you could explain to him (after you have cohabitation agreement) that you need time to yourself to really think about whether marriage is a deal breaker for you and could he go stay somewhere else for a few weeks?

@MangoMarmalade
what kind of figure is the overdue tax? £10K £100K?

why don't you open the letters yourself?

how can you ignore this? do you understand the consequences?

Can we go easy on OP, I’m sure she’s reading all this and going by her recent updates she’s just about ready to drop due to no help with the baby

@Prig

Honestly if I were in your shoes, i'd not hide the fact that it's disappointing, but as a response, now that it's very clear, start building on my assets and keep everything separate. Because if he doesn't want marriage he doesn't want the full union. So keep everything, penny pinch to a point and make sure you build your own castle so you can do what you want in future. Make it work for you.

Agree with this. I'd be getting back to work.

He says he wouldn't take half the house.

He also told you he'd married you - but he lied about that. Don't trust him when he says he wouldn't try and get half of your property. MN is full of women who believed that their exes would be fair and reasonable - only to find that the gloves come off when you split up.

You have no sex life, he doesn't give you a break with the baby, he's got tax problems and has repeatedly lied to you. I would not only abandon any thought of marrying him - I'd split up with him and ask him to move out.

Agree also with @PerveenMistry - get back into work and keep your accounts separate from him. Do not marry him. Do not let him fund any major alterations or improvements to the house (such as an extension). Get legal advice about protecting your house from him.

@JinglingHellsBells

he doesn't owe tax. He overpays tax because his employer (who is not actually officially his employer, they subcontract him so they don't have to pay sick and holidays) takes it at a standard rate from his wages.

But he still has to do a self assessment every year. Usually he is then paid back about 2k in tax rebate.

A few years ago he stopped doing the self assessments because he wanted to change accountants but never appointed a new one, and started to bury his head when he got the reminder letters.

It's FINES for non return of self assessment he owes, not tax.

The letters go to his brothers house where he used to live , so no I can't open them.

If it was just about marriage, I would advise you to sit down with him. Nor get angry or defensive, but just be honest. Open your heart and tell him that this is a massive, massive big deal to you. That you feel it means you're not a proper couple, that you're not important enough. Leave ALL the anger out, but show him that it really hurts. Say you want the DC's last name, and that whilst you understand he may feel differently about marriage, it's hurtful that he's misled you and that his apathy trumps your hurt.

BUT I've read your other posts, and he sounds quite unkind in many ways. And more importantly, you don't sound very happy in this relationship.

I get it. I've been there. Still am, in a way. I know the relationship I'm in is not working for many reasons, but in its dying throes, I became obsessed with getting married to him. I knew it was a bad idea really, knew I wanted it for the wrong reasons, and I also knew that I'd have to live with the fact that he had married me because I had put pressure on him to do so. But I so, so wanted it to work.
Needless to say, he hasn't proposed, and if he had, I'd have a wedding to cancel now. I'm detaching emotionally.

The question is not, should you get married? The question is, do you like and love who he is?

OP. Seriously. If you knew it meant he would get half the house and you'd be liable for half any debts, would you still want to marry him?

You would be mad to especially as he's shown himself to be a liar and the kind of misogynist who cherry picks which traditional things they like (being the one in charge of proposals) and don't like (having kids without being married, living in a home your girlfriend owns etc).

You must see this relationship is entirely on his terms and that you aren't just putting yourself second to him, your putting your kids second to him if you push for marriage and he does it then gets a claim on the house aka their future security.

How would your dad feel knowing you had to push someone to marry you when they made it clear they wouldn't have done so willingly, then they'd taken half the home he gave YOU because he adored you?

Can I put 2 and 2 together and make 5?
You say he used to live at his brother’s house. Now yours. Has he ever not sorted his own housing?

I had the super romantic proposal, the big beautiful wedding, all the romance. It didn't stop us breaking up, but it meant he screwed me over in the divorce because I was the higher earner.

I'm not sure I would want to marry him at this point because if he does do it, it'll be because you pressured him not because he wants it. I wouldn't leave an otherwise happy relationship for this but I would act accordingly i.e. you need to double barrel your child's name, get a job and protect your assets at all times. He can up and leave at any moment and he's shown you he isn't fully committed so you need to always be able to stand on your own two feet.

"Ffs"? Overreact much?

Nobody reads my OPs either. I don't talk to them like that.

@MangoMarmalade

To be fair to him he's always stated he would never take half the house, has no interest in doing so, and he knows getting married would mean he'd prob be entitled to it and he doesn't want to get married so I believe his current non-intentions towards the house.

It was left to me by my dad was absolutely devastated when he died.

HMRC could make him bankrupt. If you were married that would mean losing your house so thank your lucky stars he hasn’t proposed.

Do not marry this man. You have so much to lose and it’s difficult to see what you’d gain. And, whatever you do, don’t sell it and spend the proceeds on anything else either. You need to get a job - easier said than done right now - you don’t need a marriage certificate, you need financial independence.

@MangoMarmalade

I have had MH issues in the past (namely PMDD) and he's made comments before about me changing before he will marry me but then backtracks when I confront him "so your love is conditional" and deny he means it. I think maybe he does mean it!

I agree this is an unhealthy relationship OP. He's dangling marriage like a carrot on a string. He has more power and control in the relationship than you do, and he likes it that way.

I think you should leave and find someone who wants to commit to you. You can find that.

[quote SomeOtherGirl]@MangoMarmalade why don't you propose to him? Would there be an option for GPs to have the children for a long weekend honeymoon? You could do two or three long weekends to make it more special.

Just an idea. Xx[/quote]
Oh God, have you read at least the OPs posts?!

@stretchedmarks

You won't be the first, nor the last that this happens to. It's truly shitty.

Honestly, I'd give him an ultimatum. He has until the end of the year to propose or you're leaving (or similar). I highly doubt you would have had kids with the man if you knew his true intentions and it's totally unfair you've upheld your end of the bargain, so to speak, but he hasn't upheld his.

Or, you could call his bluff. If it's only a piece of paper then he'll have no issue going to the registry office next weekend, will he? See his reaction. If he wants to marry you but he's just lazy he'll be down for it. If he doesn't want to marry you, you'll know by your reaction.

Ultimately, there's nothing wrong with not marrying and staying together. You just need to get a job sooner rather than later and keep assets separate. Similarly, there's nothing wrong with splitting if he isn't willing to marry. Of course, with kids in the mix then things do need to remain civil, but he duped you. It's his own fault.

If it was me in this situation, I'd find the deceit worse than the not marrying. If he'd been honest before kids at least you could have made a balanced decision. He purposely has strung you along to get what he wanted. At the best he's lazy, and at the worst a liar. Do these outweigh him as a partner and dad? Only you can decide.

Also, I haven't RTFT but regards surnames, what about a double barrel? If he doesn't want to marry but you have decided to stay together, it's the least he could do. However, part of me suspects his ego wouldn't like that very much...

It's your call. Take time to think about all scenarios and go with what is right for you in the long term.

Maybe you should have RTFT...

[quote MangoMarmalade]@JinglingHellsBells

he doesn't owe tax. He overpays tax because his employer (who is not actually officially his employer, they subcontract him so they don't have to pay sick and holidays) takes it at a standard rate from his wages.

But he still has to do a self assessment every year. Usually he is then paid back about 2k in tax rebate.

A few years ago he stopped doing the self assessments because he wanted to change accountants but never appointed a new one, and started to bury his head when he got the reminder letters.

It's FINES for non return of self assessment he owes, not tax.

The letters go to his brothers house where he used to live , so no I can't open them. [/quote]
If they're his only employer they're on dodgy grounds too i believe

The more you tell us the clearer it becomes that you are better off NOT married to him MangoMarmalade for all the sensible financial reasons PPs have mentioned

He wants you chained to the house and doesn't see any income you'd bring in as part of the joint pot. He doesn't sound as good a match as your earlier posts.

You might be better off financially without him with working tax credits etc.