The thing is that this is about Op and her partner and what they want, not what everyone else would do in the situation.
Op wants to get married and partner said they would. So she’s entitled to feel disappointed at least and devastated as it’s what she’s really wanted and feels she’s been misled about.
It doesn’t matter that other people are happy to remain unmarried or that she owns the house and marriage might not be best financial protection for house - SHE wants to be married and partner told her they would do it.
He doesn’t have to do it and let’s face it, who wants to feel they’ve dragged their partner down the aisle. If he doesn’t agree with it or has no intention of doing it, he should say so. If he doesn’t see the point or it doesn’t bother him, he can do it because she really wants to and it really will be no skin off his nose if he doesn’t care. He can choose to make her happy without impacting himself. But he has to say what he intends and Op feels she’s had the conversations but then no action and that’s what’s so upsetting especially if it’s happened over time.
And what to do if he doesn’t wNt to marry when Op does. Well it’s a hard one. Lots of people face this dilemma before children and it’s so much easier to walk away when there are no children. Honestly, I think before kids is the time to talk, decide and act. Once the kids have come along, unless there really are other things to make you leave, the moment has passed. And this is why it’s not great to be in this situation if marriage is so important to you. It doesn’t matter if you can tKe it or leave it, but if you really really want it and have doubts about partner being on same page, deciding before kids and not leaving it until after makes you very vulnerable in terms of achieving marriage. ....because once kids are there and if marriage doesn’t happen, are you really going to walk. It is possible and some people do, but most don’t and just live with the disappointment which for some is major.
Lots of people can’t understand this disappointment and it just doesn’t make sense to them, because they are either anti marriage or just not bothered one way or the other. But for some people it is as strong a desire as having children and so not having it, when you had hoped you would or worse still were told you would, is devastating.
Op, I would go back to him for another last talk. I’d make clear you won’t be having the conversation again. Make very clear that he’s known how you feel about marriage and that you understood he wanted to do it too....but time keeps passing to the point you doubt he will do it. If you don’t intend to leave, be clear that is the case but that you’re making one last appeal to him to give you what you’d love, because he loves you even if it’s not his biggest desire. And tell him that if something means he cannot do this that he will be honest and say. That you need to know if this isn’t going to happen - that you’ll be disappointed but would rather know.
It isn’t about pressuring him or making him do something he doesn’t want, but to commit one way or the other on it....which 3 kids in isn’t an unreasonable ask.
It’s the sense of being let down and misled and time passing which is wearing for Op. he doesn’t have to marry her - but she’s entitled to honesty and him deciding one way or the other.