Another ‘He hasn’t proposed’ thread...

[MangoMarmalade]

Long story short:
We have three kids (older two not his, younger is one year old).
I have made no secret of desire to get married for multiple reasons. Had the ‘one day, let me ask you, it’s tradition’ promises from him.
I have an asset, he has none.
He works full time, I don’t have a career and don’t currently work at all.
When youngest was born I wanted to give my surname as he hadn’t wanted to get married yet. He was adamant that no, baby would have his surname and promised to propose within the year, be married within two.
Hasn’t happened. Last time we spoke about it he made the comment ‘but when our youngest is much older then we can have honeymoon’ etc he has wanted to have another baby, I said not without a ring on my finger and he was all ‘so you’d refuse to have another baby just for a bit of paper!’
Basically reveals he has no intention of fulfilling his promise of asking me any time soon.

AIBU to leave the relationship?

I think that if you tell him you want to be married and he refuses, you shouldn't have more children with him. Whether or not you should leave him depends on the broader situation.

I'd probably decide to take the reins in my own hands and stop waiting for the proposal. It's disappointing, but it sounds like the fastest way to get what you want. Just tell him you're tired of waiting and want to get married by X date. There will always be a reason to wait to do anything. It's 2020, and you can do the proposing.

Oh my god do not financially entangle yourself with someone so shit with money
A pre nup isn't legally watertight in this country and he could still financially ruin you.

@MangoMarmalade

Yes he's in debt in HMRC fines because he keeps refusing to see an accountant to help him sort out years worth of no tax returns. As yet to the tune of the unknown because he is not opening their letters.

He pays a standard rate from his pay through the building company he works for (I don't really know how it all works)

My mum has offered to pay the cost of accountant to sort this...but he still won't make an appointment. More empty promises.

Oh lord, OP. Marriage issue aside, this is a terrible situation. Won't do his taxes, fines to HMRC and doesn't even know how much because he won't open the letters?

Together with the lies about his future plans and the anger and insistence that the baby take his name when he hasn't made a legal commitment and never will, I'd be considering this relationship very seriously.

That would be unforgivable to me. He knows how much this means to you and has led you on for years, with clearly no intention of following through. As you said, he has taken something important away from you. Kick him out.

...Or after looking at the updates, don't marry him because he's shitty... But if he were a better man, I still stand by the assertion that you don't have to wait for the man to propose.

OK, OP, after all the info you gave us now, I say PLEASE DO NOT MARRY HIM. And DON'T HAVE ANOTHER CHILD. with him either.

He may say he is not interested in your house now but he's not famous for his honesty and his reliability, isn't he? He has promised lots before but he hasn't done what he promised, so I wouldn't trust him.

Are you my sister?!

@WhatTheFuckHappenedHere haha, I don't have any siblings I'm afraid.

Well he doesn't want to get married, so it's entirely up to you whether you can live together and be happy without being married. If not, may as well split now instead of trying to force the issue.

If you do get married it'll be against his will, really and a prenup won't totally protect your house.

Either way the most important thing is for you to get back to work asap.

@MangoMarmalade

To be fair to him he's always stated he would never take half the house, has no interest in doing so, and he knows getting married would mean he'd prob be entitled to it and he doesn't want to get married so I believe his current non-intentions towards the house.

It was left to me by my dad was absolutely devastated when he died.

I’m sorry about your dad

Look, can you really base anything in him saying he wouldn’t take half the house? Maybe he wouldn’t. But he’s hardly going to say, “well of course it’s only fair because I’ve paid all our bills - so yes, I would go for a share of it” is he?!! Come on. He’s been supporting your older children - I actually think a claim (not half!) would be fair... so why wouldn’t he, down the line, if he’s smarting at being chucked, needs to find somewhere to live when he’s shit with money, and has HMRC breathing down his neck for a 5 figure sum? Think he’d walk away with nothing then?

Ok. All other considerations aside, after reading about the debt/hmrc fines DO NOT marry this man. Do not get financially tied up with him any further. You could end up jointly liable for his debt.

Don't risk your house/future security.

He so doesn't want to marry you he is forgoing a claim on the house by not doing so!! Don't try and make him on the basis of romantic tunnel vision for gods sake!! It won't feel the same if you know he didn't want to anyway!!

And yes - what @Cocomarine said

Why you risk your and your children's home?

please ignore his comments about not taking half the house if you married. The whole divorce could be through a solicitor and in theory it would start with a 50-50 split though with you as a full time parent to young kids, you could probably stay in it till they were 18.

His debt and tax avoidance are a HUGE issue. He could go to jail and his debts now will incur interest on unpaid tax. Double whammy.

I know it's easier said than done at the moment, but if you knew he had these debts and went on to live with him and have a child...why???

Are you so desperate for a man?

Please leave him.

Enrol on some online courses or start planning a future for yourself where you can work and earn and have a career so you don't end up with another loser of a man in your life.

Surely the pint is he gave her hope by saying he would propose within the year etc, and hasn’t. She trusted him to do that, allowing his surname on the birth certificate, he didn’t and appears to be making no effort to do so anytime soon, assuming probably that she would just put up with it

Personally I would be telling him i am changing the babies surname

The unpaid tax has serious implications. He needs to get real and sort this out. It's landing him in hot water and that debt will have to be recovered by hmrc at some point and legally he's on the wrong side at the moment.

@MangoMarmalade

To be fair to him he's always stated he would never take half the house, has no interest in doing so, and he knows getting married would mean he'd prob be entitled to it and he doesn't want to get married so I believe his current non-intentions towards the house.

It was left to me by my dad was absolutely devastated when he died.

There is a poster on here whose husband cheated on her. She was sure he wouldn't shaft her over child maintenance. He is arguing over school uniform and after school costs. Lots of men promise shit when they want something in return. He is hardly going to tell you he plans to take half your house. Maybe the tax man will come after you for the house to be sold for his bills. Worse case scenario. He needs to get his head out of his arse , but really you do more!

He pays a standard rate through the building company he sub contracts for. I don't understand why....but he still has to do tax returns and is usually OWED a tax rebate. But for several years he just didn't do the tax returns. So he missed out on tax rebates and has built up fines. I'm furious and even more furious at the continual empty promises to go and see an accountant.

This and everything else just feels like I've got to the end of my wick bows

It sounds like he has inadvertently done you a huge favour. Not marrying him is the most secure path for you.

He controls you, he is shit with money, he can't manage his taxes, he buries his head in the sand instead of dealing with HMRC (of all the debts to not ignore, this is right at the top of the list!). There is no security for you with this man.

If he continues to try to ignore his tax problems, you will need to be able to support yourself and your children, because he will be either bankrupt or in prison.

The financial situation adds a whole layer of ness.

As others have said, marriage is first and foremost a legal and financial contract. "All that I have I share with you". That. Whether he wants to take the house or not is irrelevant - legally he could well be entitled to it.

Which would be bad enough if he were solvent. But he isn't. He's in debt to, of all people, the HMRC. That's probably worse than owing money to the mafia.

They can seize his earnings. They can make him bankrupt. They can place a charge on the property. They can force him to sell the house to pay the debt.

If a court decides he's deliberately evading paying they can send him to prison.

So, imagine, a year or two down the line, shiny wedding ring (bought on credit) on your finger... and the court papers land on your door mat. What do you do? How safe is your kids' home then?

Do not marry this man! Run straight to a lawyer and work out what you need to do to protect your home in the face of his financial mismanagement. And start working on a job or a career to sustain you, should either of you decide to pull the plug on this relationship.

[quote MangoMarmalade]@amicissimma have the child his surname as he was very, very angry when I told him I'd be giving my surname as we weren't married. Very unlike him as he's usually so calm! And he absolutely promised we would be married within a year or so. [/quote]
This is bugging me. Firstly that it's like he thinks the child should automatically get his surname without discussion and therefore got so angry that you were trying to take away his right to this. Secondly isn't it actually the case that the baby is assumed to have the mother's surname, it's just that usually (or was usually in the past) the mother's surname is also the father's surname as she changed it when they got married? So he was actually just breaking tradition anyway.

(When I had baby 1 they were given a tag in the hospital Baby Mysurname, we weren't married so it was just my surname. Oh we are married now because he isn't an arse.)

Given your updates, you will be better off without this man. He treats you as his housekeeper and rent a womb. He'll soon be in a lot of trouble with HMRC - then you'll be thankful he can't get half your house through marriage.

You missed a question - are you sure he's not still legally married to someone else?

It's shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted to end the relationship after you've had the child .... and somewhat unfair on the child if he is a good dad and otherwise a good partner. But I understand wanting to be married - shared values on this is important. Does he know you are thinking of leaving over this? Surely it deserves an in-depth conversation.

I totally see where you are coming from. Especially as you get older it just seems so wrong calling someone you have children with "your boyfriend"
I was in a similar position but had more leverage and he had the assets.
In your position I'm not sure I would marry. He doesn't want to anyway so it is a moot point - I expect they all want to marry when it is sunshine and roses and small babies, no sleep, no sex is not v sexy and the gloss wears off and then suddenly "maybe there is better out there " creeps in so he doesn't want that final commitment
I wouldn't be leaving him yet, he pays for everything but I would be getting my ducks in a row, counselling, maybe looking at the pet business, just something where you put yourself independently on more secure footing. You do need to start making better decisions