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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my niece that the guy she's been talking to online is her mother

170 replies

Jaimeles · 25/09/2020 10:35

I don't know what to do !

My niece has been living with me for 2 years ( not in the UK) , she used to be very very difficult , anger ,drugs , skipping school etc... She moved in with me and now she is almost 18yo. Her mum visits us maybe once a year.

My niece is really now a really kind and nice person. Works hard , thankful , gentle. She , herself, can't even believe she used to act like she did.

So about 2 months ago , she started talking to a guy on facebook. She told me about it and is really happy about it. We had the "be careful" convo. She told me that he was always making up excuses not to meet.

My sister has a hard time believing that her daughter has changed , and always tell me I am just trying to find excuses. I once told her again how her child grew up and now is not who she was. After I mentioned the boy , she told me " I am veryfing what she is doing , X is really me. You'll see she hasn't changed and will show all the sex convo we had"

I am disgusted. Now what do I do ? Tell my niece about it , risking to ruin her already fragile relationship or just rell her he's not good to convince her to stop talking to that "guy" ?

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 25/09/2020 11:45

And I also agree that you and your DNiece should consider involving the police.

FilledSoda · 25/09/2020 11:48

Your sister is a piece of work.
Please tell your niece the truth and be someone she can trust .

sashh · 25/09/2020 11:53

I don't believe any mother would be catfishing her own daughter and talking sexually with her.

Mine would have.

OP

You ned to tell your DN, if this was in the UK then it may be illegal, it might be where you are.

TheTrollFairy · 25/09/2020 11:54

That’s disgusting on her mums part! I would definitely tell her, what her mum is doing to her, especially if she is also replying with sexual stuff is utterly grim.
Tell your niece, she has a right to know how much of a twat her mum is and then she can decide if she wants to cut contact or not

isthismylifenow · 25/09/2020 11:58

Wtf.

Are you sure the mother isn't just saying this as she's having issues grasping the fact her dd is doing better without her around.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 25/09/2020 12:02

I too would be concerned that it isn't her mother at all and she said to mess with her daughters head.

Can you call her bluff and ask for screen shots?

yetanothernamitynamechange · 25/09/2020 12:04

The problem is that if the OP tells her niece that the guy she was talking to online was her mother and it turns out later the mother was lying then potentially the relationship with the online guy could be irretrivably damaged, the niece upset/confused and ultimately the OP blamed for the whole situation if the mother is able to manipulate it that way... I would either try to get more proof from the mother that it is her catfishing or (gently) relay some of what the mother has said (not the stuff about how she knows she hasnt changed because thats hurtful and unnecessary) and try to help the daughter find ou the truth. E.g through a supervised meetup.

MulticolourMophead · 25/09/2020 12:22

@Jaimeles

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire

No I am not sure it's her mother. I just mentioned how about the fact that she is happy he found a guy who she can discuss with all night , and who is intelligent but that they haven't met yet. Then she said " because it's me. I'll prove you she hasn't changed all she wants is drugs and sex".

So, just tell your niece that her mum told you that this guy is actually her, that she wants to catch her daughter out and "prove" to everyone that your niece is still using drugs. Tell your niece you don't have any actual proof that it's her mother, other than what her mother has actually told you, but you wanted her to know what could be happening.

As for sex, well, it's not the mother's business if the niece is of age. And people can still want sex and be decent people, all at the same time.

Your niece really needs some counselling.

Heffalooomia · 25/09/2020 12:30

Horrifying 😥
this person does not deserve the title 'mother' I would refer to her as the female parent or FP

Heffalooomia · 25/09/2020 12:32

Can you string the mother and long a bit and get some proof that it's her doing the catfishing she obviously thinks that she is behaving appropriately or she wouldn't be telling you about it
(Obviously she's completely of the charts in terms of batshit ness😶)

Rebelwithallthecause · 25/09/2020 12:35

Totally abhorrent Of your sister

Poor niece

So damaging

QuentinWinters · 25/09/2020 12:36

This is emotional and sexual abuse. I think you need to seek professional advice.
Absolutely. Don't engage with DSis and try to "prove" anything. I'd definitely be telling DN about it. Poor her

EvilPea · 25/09/2020 12:36

Your poor niece.
Are you in a financial position to offer her councilling? With a mother like that, she’s going to need it

Sewrainbow · 25/09/2020 12:39

Definitely tell her, if this mother is for real then she'll have no qualms about dropping you in it for knowing anyway and then the niece will not have any trust for anyone.

draughtycatflap · 25/09/2020 12:40

“She shouted out I’m all yours Babooshka Babooshka Babooshka ya ya!”.

Notimeforaname · 25/09/2020 12:42

Jesus christ,the dysfunction. Tell her if you haven't already.

GlovesAndBoots · 25/09/2020 12:46

Episode 3 series 2 of 'Criminal UK' is along the lines of this.
Pretending to be someone your not online. What consequences does it have for the innocent?

GlovesAndBoots · 25/09/2020 12:47

Sorry Mumsnet grammar police... Its *you're

notapizzaeater · 25/09/2020 12:49

Your poor niece, so pleased she's got you. The mum is seriously fucked up

Suzi888 · 25/09/2020 12:55

Isn’t that a crime? Hmm
Tell the mother you will report her to the police if she doesn’t cease the texts.
I’m not sure I would tell your niece to be honest. It’s going to mess with her head... but you’ll have to if the mother doesn’t stop.
What a sicko.....

WhoresDerves · 25/09/2020 13:10

Its a good idea to tell your niece asap, if you don't, when your sister eventually reveals that its her she will no doubt tell your niece that you knew, after all if shes sick and twisted enough to do this in the first place, she wont have any qualms about dropping you in it by saying you knew all along, if that happens then your niece wont trust you, and it may undo all the effort you have put in helping her turn her life around

AngelicInnocent · 25/09/2020 13:18

I would ask DN first if she has video chatted with this guy. If she has, great, her 'D' M is just full of shit. If she hasn't, then I'm afraid you are going to have to tell her what her mum said and work with her from there to see if it's true or not.

If it isn't her mum, it would be a shame to ruin things.

EvilPea · 25/09/2020 14:21

Have you watched the catfish tv shows with her?

Newfornow · 25/09/2020 14:30

Tell her! Ffs it’s outrageous. Too outrageous really

Jeremyironseverything · 25/09/2020 14:34

Yes work with her to find out the genuine truth.

If it really is her mother you have to show your nice how outrageous it is and how much you are on "her side"

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