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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my niece that the guy she's been talking to online is her mother

170 replies

Jaimeles · 25/09/2020 10:35

I don't know what to do !

My niece has been living with me for 2 years ( not in the UK) , she used to be very very difficult , anger ,drugs , skipping school etc... She moved in with me and now she is almost 18yo. Her mum visits us maybe once a year.

My niece is really now a really kind and nice person. Works hard , thankful , gentle. She , herself, can't even believe she used to act like she did.

So about 2 months ago , she started talking to a guy on facebook. She told me about it and is really happy about it. We had the "be careful" convo. She told me that he was always making up excuses not to meet.

My sister has a hard time believing that her daughter has changed , and always tell me I am just trying to find excuses. I once told her again how her child grew up and now is not who she was. After I mentioned the boy , she told me " I am veryfing what she is doing , X is really me. You'll see she hasn't changed and will show all the sex convo we had"

I am disgusted. Now what do I do ? Tell my niece about it , risking to ruin her already fragile relationship or just rell her he's not good to convince her to stop talking to that "guy" ?

OP posts:
Henio · 25/09/2020 11:13

That's absolutely horrific Shock

Shinyletsbebadguys · 25/09/2020 11:13

I actually wouldn't make your sister come clean , I would bet everything I had that she will manipulate it to try to seem like she was just being overprotective and mess with your dn head.

Honestly your dn needs to see someone be the grown up and that they have her back. Not some screwed up familial loyalty to your sister (I'm not saying you are but just kn case there is no loyalty to her here she is a truly sick nasty individual).

I would tell dn and discuss with her about reporting her mother (if shes 18 she should have say at least ) , there is no fragile relationship the mother has destroyed any possibility both by her actions and her insistence to prove her daughter is "bad". That in itself , without her disgusting behaviour , should be enough to tell you she is not safe for your dn.

Imloosingmyshit · 25/09/2020 11:14

Are you serious?!? Who would do that? To their OWN DAUGHTER!!!! If that’s true she’s a vile disgrace of a woman. Your poor niece. Honestly, I think you have to tell her. I think if you give the mum time to come clean she may pull you into it, and not in an admirable light. You need to tell the poor soul. And so what if she’s sexting?? Isn’t that what kids do now? Even though it makes me cringe 😬. Poor girl. She’s better off without her one visit a year from her mum. Tell her. She will be so humiliated. Don’t let it continue.

Original poster
Jaimeles · 25/09/2020 11:14

CoralFish

Age of consent is 15 here. But I doubt they had sex talks yet. She meant it in a way " You'll see she hasn't changed". She is going to be 18 in 3 weeks so she isn't a child.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 25/09/2020 11:14

I guess we can see why she wasn't her best self when she was at home.

Thelnebriati · 25/09/2020 11:16

JFC I'd ask the police for advice. Even if its not illegal it must be well over the grey part of the line.

I'd guess she already knows how toxic her mother is, but I can tell you from my own experience that she will appreciate having another adult acknowledge it.

Russellbrandshair · 25/09/2020 11:19

This is beyond fcked up and yes I would absolutely tell her. She has a right to know and a right to cut out her toxic fcked up mother.

Frostiesfortea · 25/09/2020 11:20

You’ve got to tell her, she’ll never forgive or trust you long term if she finds out. Her mother doesn’t deserve a relationship with her. That’s seriously weird as well. Very disturbing . I feel really sad for your niece but glad she has someone like you who believes in her x

harper30 · 25/09/2020 11:21

If this is real, I'd play along with the mum and say 'go on, send me screenshots of the conversation so I can see how bad she is' then I'd try to take that as evidence to the police or something. If she's had sexual conversations with her own daughter, and is using a false identity, surely they'd at least be able to offer you and your niece some advice about how to move forward/restraining orders etc.
Unfortunately you have to tell her, but I'd try to get some evidence so the mother has to face some consequences.

AlternativePerspective · 25/09/2020 11:22

I never understand why people suggest giving the perpetrator an ultimatum. If you have the person’s best interests at heart then you tell them. You don’t play the game along with the perpetrator until they come clean.

if it was my sister I would definitely tell the child, and then I would cut the sister out of my life.

Angelina82 · 25/09/2020 11:23

Omg what a sly and wicked thing to do! You sound lovely OP and I can understand why you’re wavering about telling your niece but you really must. She will find out eventually and she will be angry with you as well as her mother when she finds out you knew but said nothing. Good luck.

LindaEllen · 25/09/2020 11:25

Sorry, but this is seriously fucked up. You say she is 'almost' 18, which means she is still a child. No matter what reasons her mother had in her head for doing it, she has been sexting a child. Obviously the fact that it's her OWN child makes it even worse, but oh my god, this is horrendous.

She either needs mental help or police intervention for this, it's just not right.

CSIblonde · 25/09/2020 11:27

This is so manipulative,breaks every boundary re privacy & dignity,trust etc. It will leave her daughter with serious trust issues never mind destroy their relationship. I wouldn't tell her,just try to support her to find a real life relationship. I'm genuinely shocked re her Mother. Just awful ,intrusive,invasive,disrespectful behaviour.

MiddleClassProblem · 25/09/2020 11:27

Tell her. It’s so clear that her mum is and always has been a huge problem in her life. Equally at some point she might want some therapy to deal with her mixed feelings about her mum and be able to see the good from the bad.

Icanttakethiscrapanymore · 25/09/2020 11:27

What the actual fuck !!!
This might be one of the most shocking things I’ve read. It’s a huge invasion of privacy. I would tell my niece immediately if I were you. Then if she wanted to contact the police she can. If you don’t tell her your standing by and letting it happen. Which is just as bad.

Can you imagine (if this is true) how humiliating it would be. As a mum of teenage girls (16 & 19) I’d never in a million years do this. Even if they were absolute pains in the arses. Trust is a very fragile thing this could really mess her up long term !

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire · 25/09/2020 11:29

Are you sure it's her mum? Is there a chance she only said it was her to mess with you and upset her daughter?

badfurday · 25/09/2020 11:30

Jesus wept, this is wrong on so many levels. Your poor niece will be traumatised by this huge invasion of privacy.

Tell her!

CorianderLord · 25/09/2020 11:32

Omg, she's sexting her daughter?!? Surely that's abusive? She'll be scarred for life.

I sexted people when I was younger and was a very conscientious person. It's hardly evidence of being out of control. Her mum needs reporting.

Original poster
Jaimeles · 25/09/2020 11:33

Call the police ? For what offense ? She is just talking on Facebook.

The reason I wanted to try and convince her to stop talking instead of telling her is because she idealize her mother. I am afraid she isn't going to believe me. But I am going to tell her who the "guy" is today. Happens what happens after that.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/09/2020 11:34

Call the police ? For what offense ? She is just talking on Facebook

She is catfishing her own daughter. She is engaging with sexual conversations with her own daughter under the guise of being a man.

Original poster
Jaimeles · 25/09/2020 11:35

EveryPlanetHasAYorkshire

No I am not sure it's her mother. I just mentioned how about the fact that she is happy he found a guy who she can discuss with all night , and who is intelligent but that they haven't met yet. Then she said " because it's me. I'll prove you she hasn't changed all she wants is drugs and sex".

OP posts:
SingToTheSky · 25/09/2020 11:37

Gross. Definitely tell her

Leimarel · 25/09/2020 11:40

This is unbelievable. No wonder your niece has had problems with a screwed up mother like this. Tell your niece and tell her today. Don't let her humiliate herself any further.

vraimenthan · 25/09/2020 11:40

If this is real you need to tell her asap, contact the police and block her from everything everywhere

Mittens030869 · 25/09/2020 11:43

This is one time when I hope this isn’t true. On the other hand, there are very sick people around.

Yes, you definitely need to tell your DNiece what her toxic mother is doing, as it’s complete sick. Angry

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