Boyfriend thinks I am not ambitious.

[ambioussssssssss]

I am 25. I have been to university studying a degree related to animals. I hope to go on to do a postgraduate degree in something more technical in around two years time. I just want to make sure I know what I want to do.
I find there are not really much jobs about working with animals in my area and if there are, they get tons of applications.

Before university, I had a part-time job as a receptionist.
After struggling to find a job related to animals, I have decided to go back to receptionist work but I have only been able to find work through an agency (I don't know if this is because of coronavirus or if receptionist jobs are usually hard to get?).

The past 2 weeks, I have had quite a bit of work, but today I didn't get a call.
I phoned boyfriend, who has a contracted job which is relatively well-paid and he didn't go to uni, he did an apprenticeship once he left school and has made his way up in his company. I told him that I am feeling anxious about the work situation and I am not loving zero-hour contract/temporary work and I hate the inconsistency of it.
He asked if I was still applying for jobs and I said yes (as I am). I have an interview in 2 weeks, which I feel nervous but excited about. Even if I don't get it, it's nice to get an interview.

However, I was a bit struck back by what he said. He told me he understood how rubbish agency work is and said that I must lack ambition as if I really tried hard enough, I would have a full-time job by now. I debated him with this and said it's easy for him to say in the job he has about how 'easy' it is to find a job if you have the drive.

His reasoning for saying this was that he hasn't been out of work since leaving school because he has the drive and motivation.
I don't understand why he doesn't see the ambition in me?
I left school, I worked part-time. I went to uni. I got a first-class degree. Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy. But I can't think like that as it is done.

I am not on agency work and hoping to do further studies within a couple of years. But I don't want to rush into it and make a mistake.

I feel he's embarrassed by my job. When people ask what I am doing now I have left uni and I say I am doing agency work as I am finding the job market quite tough, I feel he cringes.

I'm feeling really down now. Like my life is going nowhere and that it's my fault.

I see dead foxes / cats / birds / rats all the time. Where are all these volunteers keeping the roads clear?!

The only people I see remove roadkill are the RSPCA and they are probably paid professionals.

Gosh this got a bit dramatic,

Volunteering is a good idea but not at the expense of full time employment. And no one can expect to place the burden of financially supporting them on a partner because it helps their mental health, what about the partners mental health, having to carry another adult.

This thread isn’t about stay at home mums or folks with mental health issues who can’t work, it’s about a twenty five year old woman who is unsure if her way in life.

Oooh I can't tear myself away. I NEVER said she should give up work completely.
If I was the boyfriend and the OP said something like "I want to stay at my part time job because I am enjoying it and it's fairly steady. I am also thinking of helping out at that community environmental group. They need a lot of money raised and people to help look after the animals. I thought I could help with the animals because I have the knowledge from university and it might give me a start in actually getting somewhere with working with animals" I would say "Good idea" and when in a years time the environment group wins an award I would proudly grin and say to my co workers etc
"That's my girlfriend in that group. She help raise all that money to turn that abandoned area into a nature park. I am so proud of her. She has achieved so much".
But it seems to you lot she would just be a burden to him. How sad.

Also about foxes. There is a group called The Fox Project. I don't know if it's national. I think Mrs Tiddlywinks for Hedgehogs is a charity too. SNARL is another group. They are trying to track down the evil cat killer and help when needed.
I doubt the RSPCA removes road kill. That's not really what they do.

@bookmum08 except that I’ve seen them do it with my own eyes.

Apologies if you all thought I got a bit dramatic. Just trying to give the OP suggestions. That's all I wanted to do.

@bookmum08

Oooh I can't tear myself away. I NEVER said she should give up work completely. If I was the boyfriend and the OP said something like "I want to stay at my part time job because I am enjoying it and it's fairly steady. I am also thinking of helping out at that community environmental group. They need a lot of money raised and people to help look after the animals. I thought I could help with the animals because I have the knowledge from university and it might give me a start in actually getting somewhere with working with animals" I would say "Good idea" and when in a years time the environment group wins an award I would proudly grin and say to my co workers etc "That's my girlfriend in that group. She help raise all that money to turn that abandoned area into a nature park. I am so proud of her. She has achieved so much". But it seems to you lot she would just be a burden to him. How sad.

I’d agree if they were in a long term relationship and had a degree of commitment, such as living together, and both brought something to the table, or had dependents. But they are two adults, no commitments, living separately, with one of them clearly not having anything approaching a regular income or a developed skill set. If the boyfriend was made redundant tomorrow, would they live on fresh air? The arrangement you’re describing can only exist in a more committed relationship where decisions about how their joint future looks can be arrived at jointly. And in those circumstances - great! But that’s not what the OP’s life looks like. It doesn’t in any way invalidate your family’s choices. This isn’t a thread about you.

@bookmum08 right... but in your scenario, making choices about working part time are coupled with your fictional person actually identifying a community environment group, and having a purpose for doing that. So... your fictional person has ambition

And it’s really telling that your fairy tale ending involves achievements and awards!!
That’s quite ambitious

Not, “that’s my girlfriend. Yeah, she did do the community group thing. That was a while back though. She’s volunteering at a nursery now. No, I don’t think she likes it that much. She wants to work on something to do with sustainability, said something about maybe a masters, she needs a foot in the door somewhere... oh no, no application. Anyway - love her.”

Coco I think the whole point is that the OP feels lost and the boyfriend is translating that to 'no ambition'.
They need to sit down as a couple - if they are going to be long term couple - and really look at what they want from life and to decide if they should be together. At the moment I don't think they are on the same page.

Um, the thread has taken a turn but OP I would recommend applying for admin jobs somewhere like your local wildlife trust. That way, you can work towards better outcomes for animals and do volunteering on the side e.g. at a pet shelter. You might really like working for a non profit organisation where there is stability but also career progression though.

I was you at 25, and my boyfriend used to say the same. I eventually got a great job at 27, thanks to my 'dead end' admin work actually, and his response was "Oh, I didn't think you would get it". I realised he had been belittling me for years and we broke up soon after. It's fine to dither at 25, lots of people do, but don't stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel even less confident abiut yourself, unless he has any practical and considerate suggestions.

Is OP currently supporting herself financially? If not, getting any job enabling her to achieve that seems a priority.

I don’t think the bf is bothered about ops income but more about her lack of direction.

If op had a lowly paid f/t job and it was something she really loved I don’t think he would be bothered. It is the flitting from one potential career to another without really trying to get anywhere. Doing a degree then changing her mind at the end as to why she did a degree or then kicking the thought of doing a Masters around without any thought of why she is going to do it and even then she isn’t planning on starting a masters next month but thinking about it for 2 or 3 years.

Op you have a degree. You just need to find a career.

If you are in reception work which you keep coming back to, what about working your way up the corporate ladder or becoming someone’s PA.

Sometimes with careers you have to go back to basics.

Put the thoughts of fluffy kittens and children out of your mind and ask the questions like do you want to work indoors or outdoors,

Which industry do you want to work in really
Corporate, Sports, Construction, Health, The Arts etc then looking more closely at all the different job titles these types of work have.

It wouldn’t hurt to do a few online careers tests. But be honest. Even if you only have a few percent under Sports I would list down all the jobs to do with sports as well as those that have a bigger percentage.

Even if you still haven’t a clue why not sign up to different agencies doing different things each day. Try and get evening work doing something else.
I think you do need to be pro active in something because atm I can see your bfs POV. I think he is worried that by the time you realise what you do want to do you will be too old to do it.

@ambioussssssssss

I am 25. I have been to university studying a degree related to animals. I hope to go on to do a postgraduate degree in something more technical in around two years time. I just want to make sure I know what I want to do. I find there are not really much jobs about working with animals in my area and if there are, they get tons of applications.

Before university, I had a part-time job as a receptionist.
After struggling to find a job related to animals, I have decided to go back to receptionist work but I have only been able to find work through an agency (I don't know if this is because of coronavirus or if receptionist jobs are usually hard to get?).

The past 2 weeks, I have had quite a bit of work, but today I didn't get a call.
I phoned boyfriend, who has a contracted job which is relatively well-paid and he didn't go to uni, he did an apprenticeship once he left school and has made his way up in his company. I told him that I am feeling anxious about the work situation and I am not loving zero-hour contract/temporary work and I hate the inconsistency of it.
He asked if I was still applying for jobs and I said yes (as I am). I have an interview in 2 weeks, which I feel nervous but excited about. Even if I don't get it, it's nice to get an interview.

However, I was a bit struck back by what he said. He told me he understood how rubbish agency work is and said that I must lack ambition as if I really tried hard enough, I would have a full-time job by now. I debated him with this and said it's easy for him to say in the job he has about how 'easy' it is to find a job if you have the drive.

His reasoning for saying this was that he hasn't been out of work since leaving school because he has the drive and motivation.
I don't understand why he doesn't see the ambition in me?
I left school, I worked part-time. I went to uni. I got a first-class degree. Yes if I could go back in time I would probably choose a different degree in terms of career prospects but being young, I chose what I would enjoy. But I can't think like that as it is done.

I am not on agency work and hoping to do further studies within a couple of years. But I don't want to rush into it and make a mistake.

I feel he's embarrassed by my job. When people ask what I am doing now I have left uni and I say I am doing agency work as I am finding the job market quite tough, I feel he cringes.

I'm feeling really down now. Like my life is going nowhere and that it's my fault.

He can get lost then, ambition has naff all to do with it. If you were just at home not bothering then he might have a point, but you're trying and doing a bloody degree. Sounds like an arsehole to be honest.

It's fine to dither at 25, lots of people do

Yep, but usually the dithering takes place while you are in full time employment. I changed direction with my career in my late 20s as I was not satisfied with what I was doing. But I was otherwise self sufficient and paying my own way in life and I certainly was not expecting my girlfriend of the time to pay my rent, bills, holidays or dinner out while I made up my mind on what I wanted in life.

My wife did a post grad qualification a while back, it involved her working part time and studying part time. We had a chat, worked out costs and what we could afford. I had no problem supporting her as it was a joint decision that involved very defined thought out end goals and not some nebulas 'I want to work with animals/children/steam engines/art'. We took a hit in household income for a few years and I took on more of the financial burden, I did not mind as there was a plan in place with a definite upside at the end. She now has advanced in her career as a result and is happy in her role and the household as a whole has benefitted. If she had expected me to support her while she volunteered in some admin role with no guarantee of training or an actual paid position at the end of it I would have been less enthusiastic.

I feel there are some very high expectations of 25 year olds here. I think my friend ship group is fairly representative of general population for my age group as we all have fairly different back grounds. There are 11 of us all between ages of 26 and 29

1 is in admin in a law firm, hoping for a training contract but one doesnt seem to be on horizon (young family so no flexibility to move or increase hours)

1. Has a job in arranging training courses, though her passion was for arranging big fancy conferences and awards but now doesnt see this as a viable goal.
2. One has just gone back to uni to be a nurse
3. One has been unemployed for 2 years
4. Another going back to uni to be a paramedic
5. Another unemployed now but does temp work but looking at retraining as her degree is getting her no where
6. One is basic grade civil servant, very unhappy but cant be bothered to look else where yet.
7. One is a very high up successful civil servant
8. One is a pharmcy assistant, wants to progress to a 'technician' at some point but no further plans after that.

9.one is a carer but looking for jobs that fit around child care like being a teaching assistant 10. One is successfully self employed in web design though his degree was in music. 11. One is a teacher

Everyone is in a happy relationship. Some have houses, some dont. Some have a direct plan of how they want to get somewhere, some dont. I think at 25 theres still time to work out your plan.

I'm not saying its your boyfriends duty to carry you. It could be that your not compatible as you are both at different stages in your life now. However I think that's a bit of a dramatic stance to take at 25 personally.

I agree @DillonPanthersTexas, the OP should definitely get a job while dithering. I suggested a not for profit organisation, perhaps one with an outdoor or wildlife focus. I would also go for actual jobs not temping jobs, unless it's one with the prospect of a permanent contract. No work experience is wasted, but working somewhere with prospects or which offers some sort of training even while you don't know what you want to do is in my view important as it makes you feel less despondent and skills can be transferred.

Realise I did two 5's...turns out I cant count friends!

I think it depends a lot on your friend group—I’m under 25, out of both my friend groups (secondary school and uni) all but 1 or 2 have a postgrad degree (1 is still on postgrad), all but 1 or 2 either in full time postgrad or full time work, all these are permanent and graduate career jobs. Have to go out from closest circle of 15 to find any not on a career path, non postgrad and no permanent job.

There’s nothing wrong with being in this place now, I think the problem is more that OP seems to actively plan to stay there for another half a decade, and therefore start working in a job she could have had at 22 when she’s 32. Which could make life very difficult.

Everyone who is able to work full time and pay their way should do so, with the exception of course for those in couples who decide to do the stay at home to raise children, etc thing if that’s what they want. However that’s a totally different situation to OP, who is essentially long-term semi employed, relying on either partners or a bf to keep a roof over her head. That’s not a situation that can last very long. What the bf has said is actually a positive—he would like a long term relationship with her, if she got on top of life enough to be able to be a partner.

@Emmapeeler2

I agree *@DillonPanthersTexas*, the OP should definitely get a job while dithering. I suggested a not for profit organisation, perhaps one with an outdoor or wildlife focus. I would also go for actual jobs not temping jobs, unless it's one with the prospect of a permanent contract. No work experience is wasted, but working somewhere with prospects or which offers some sort of training even while you don't know what you want to do is in my view important as it makes you feel less despondent and skills can be transferred.

The problem is the charity sector tends to be quite competitive, and surprisingly difficult to get a first role in. Definitely not an easy option, but sounds like it would be great for the OP. OP has office experience as a receptionist, moving to a permanent admin role shouldn’t be a giant leap? Probably easier to get outside of charity sector at the moment though.

@bookmum08

Coco I think the whole point is that the OP feels lost and the boyfriend is translating that to 'no ambition'. They need to sit down as a couple - if they are going to be long term couple - and really look at what they want from life and to decide if they should be together. At the moment I don't think they are on the same page.

So, as a single woman of 25, you think the OP should ask her boyfriend what she should do with her life?

So if he says “tell you what, darling, you keep temping and keep your earnings as pocket money, I’ll buy a house and you can move in. No, don’t worry about going on the deeds or mortgage, I’ll pay that and you just pick up groceries on your way to and from the mythical environmental group down at the end of our imaginary road”.

Great.
Until they split. Then maybe OP finds herself as a 40 year old with no savings, pension, career prospects, or roof over her head.

She needs to stand on her own two feet and make decisions that will benefit her in the future.

Flittering away opportunities to give yourself a secure life because of what your boyfriend said when you were 25 is one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard.

She’s not going to get lifelong security from her boyfriend, or indeed any man. She needs to be her own security.

VodselForDinner I said what THEY want from life. Both of them.

When I was 25 I wish I'd had a boyfriend I could have talked too for advice and support. Poor girl. She is lost in life and apparently asking her boyfriend for ideas and talking about the future is a big no no. How odd.

@bookmum08

VodselForDinner I said what THEY want from life. Both of them.

Don’t ya thunk she should make a decision on what she wants to do career wise first, what exactly is this conversation on what they want from life meant to go like

Her, I’d like to keep temping, working part time, maybe even downgrade to ta and then in a couple of years maybe study again. I’d really appreciate it if you coild financially support me to do that. That would be fab.

Him. I’d like you to get a full time job and pay your way and become independent That would be fab.

Both, ok then we need to go our seperate ways.

The problem is the charity sector tends to be quite competitive, and surprisingly difficult to get a first role in.

The charity sector (along with the arts) are notoriously badly paid as well which is why these industries are largely populated with middle class types who had someone in the background supporting them while they did volunteer work to get some experience on the CV. Even if you did get a full time role offered it will likely be for a very low salary. Fine, if the afore mentioned benefactors are happy to pay for you but don't be surprised if the goodwill eventually runs out. I think what irks some folk on this thread is that some of the advice on here take it as a given that the OPs boyfriend will fund these ill defined choices that have no clear end goal and that the OP can meander on in a carefree fashion until she finds herself. One poster has even labelled the OPs boyfriend an arsehole for daring to suggest she might want to be a bit more ambitious. Sure, we would all like to work in a job that we love but the harsh reality is that most people settle for working in a job that they don't actually hate. It pays the mortgage and bills and there is a bit left over for a few luxuries and treats. I used to date a woman who worked behind the scenes in the theatre in London. It seemed very exotic at first working on a big West end production but I soon realised the pay was shit, the hours antisocial and the job very insecure, but that's what she wanted. She was nearly 30 and living in a crammed flat share barely able to afford the rent and constantly tapping up her wealthy parents for bailouts. Everytime we went out together I paid for everything, literally she would struggle to pay for a round of drinks. She was funny, interesting and attractive but she was happy to bumble along in this career and the more I learned about the industry the more I realised that her prospects of advancement and progression were virtually nil. Yes it was her dream job but I did not fancy subsidising her career choice forever.

@bookmum08

I am leaving this thread now because quite frankly you have made me feel worthless in my life and that I don't contribute to society in anyway because I don't 'bring in a wage'. Charming. I hope you are all happy. OP I hope you find your way (and maybe a nicer boyfriend). Good luck.

The thread isn’t about you. Nobody has said anything about you, we are discussing the OP.