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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Kittens - AIBU to take them back?

385 replies

Lotsofsocks · 24/09/2020 16:23

This may be long! We have a rescue cat who is three years old. We decided to get two kittens from a rescue and have been to pick them up today - now I'm not sure we've done the right thing!

When I was asking the rescue about cats/kittens to adopt I made it clear we had five children (and we'd rescued from them before so they had all our details) and another cat. Every cat/kitten I was interested in I asked would they be good with another cat, how would they be with children?

I was told the two I was interested in were a little shy but would be fine and that they were chipped and neutered. We've been to pick them up today and it was then confirmed that they weren't chipped and neutered as they are only 10 weeks old and the woman at the rescue couldn't confirm where they had come from! I was also told they are a little shy and will hiss a bit but keep picking them up and they will be fine. That's an understatement!

We got home and took them into one room and let them out of the carrier. They both fled into the corners of the room and won't let us anywhere near them. When we tried to get them back into the carrier one bit my husband and wouldn't let go. They were both hissing and howling. I don't know what to do for the best. The kids have come home and are all crying as they can't touch them. We'd had a rescue kitten but he'd been looked after in someone's house so was much more socialised and would be picked up and stroked (as were the two previous cats I had as kittens) and our rescue cat was the same. When we got our current cat you were allowed in with the cats so could see their temperament, whether they would be picked up etc but with COVID you can't do that and have to go on what the rescue say. When we were leaving the lady at the shelter did say if you can't handle them you can bring them back which is making me think they weren't handled a lot there and aren't actually really ready to go to a home.

Do you think it's fairer if we take them back so they can go to a home that's quieter and may be better for them? I don't know what to do for the best. I've also got to introduce them to our other cat at some point but am really fearing how this will go.

OP posts:
ShelbyCherryBlossom · 24/09/2020 17:25

You've got 2 babies who are scared shitless in a strange place with 7 humans and an adult cat who could quite easily kill them, they're scared for their lives. Be reasonable and take them back so they stand a chance in a more appropriate environment.

user127819 · 24/09/2020 17:26

I am surprised the rescue placed such fearful kittens with a family with several children, but now that they're here, I think you should give it a few days at least. If they don't calm down, and they seem really stressed by a busy household, it is fairer to take them back than to try to muddle on with cats that just aren't suited to you, but it's much too early to be thinking of that just now.

ravenmum · 24/09/2020 17:29

Do you think it's fairer if we take them back so they can go to a home that's quieter and may be better for them?
Sounds like a good idea. Even in a quiet home, the first thing I would expect a new cat to do is go and hide under something. I'd then leave the little creature alone and make sure it was nice and quiet so that it could come out in its own time and carefully explore, maybe tempt it with some food. Wouldn't try to touch it; might hold out a hand and see if it was ready to approach. If these kittens are shy and you are not used to shy cats, then it might be a good idea to take them back. It is pretty normal to take rescue animals back within a short time if the new home turns out to be a bad fit.

flourbroach · 24/09/2020 17:30

@Lotsofsocks

This may be long! We have a rescue cat who is three years old. We decided to get two kittens from a rescue and have been to pick them up today - now I'm not sure we've done the right thing!

When I was asking the rescue about cats/kittens to adopt I made it clear we had five children (and we'd rescued from them before so they had all our details) and another cat. Every cat/kitten I was interested in I asked would they be good with another cat, how would they be with children?

I was told the two I was interested in were a little shy but would be fine and that they were chipped and neutered. We've been to pick them up today and it was then confirmed that they weren't chipped and neutered as they are only 10 weeks old and the woman at the rescue couldn't confirm where they had come from! I was also told they are a little shy and will hiss a bit but keep picking them up and they will be fine. That's an understatement!

We got home and took them into one room and let them out of the carrier. They both fled into the corners of the room and won't let us anywhere near them. When we tried to get them back into the carrier one bit my husband and wouldn't let go. They were both hissing and howling. I don't know what to do for the best. The kids have come home and are all crying as they can't touch them. We'd had a rescue kitten but he'd been looked after in someone's house so was much more socialised and would be picked up and stroked (as were the two previous cats I had as kittens) and our rescue cat was the same. When we got our current cat you were allowed in with the cats so could see their temperament, whether they would be picked up etc but with COVID you can't do that and have to go on what the rescue say. When we were leaving the lady at the shelter did say if you can't handle them you can bring them back which is making me think they weren't handled a lot there and aren't actually really ready to go to a home.

Do you think it's fairer if we take them back so they can go to a home that's quieter and may be better for them? I don't know what to do for the best. I've also got to introduce them to our other cat at some point but am really fearing how this will go.

When we were leaving the lady at the shelter did say if you can't handle them you can bring them back

Hmm. I reckon she knew very well that they would be hard to handle then. Those kittens are feral or I'll eat my hat.

And for those of you saying they are only frightened, sorry but you have clearly never come up against a wild cat. That's what feral means, they are wild animals. It's not just that they need a little time to get used to people - they won't. Not without a huge amount of time and intervention from someone who is thoroughly experienced, and even then probably without much success.

I thought I knew what I was doing. I've had cats all my life and have worked in a cattery. A reputable shelter rehomed a feral kitten with me. It was completely wild. After a week of it living in my spare room and leaving it alone, I went in there and it went berserk, literally frothing at the mouth. Suffice to say, the infection from the deep bite this little fluffy kitten gave me was so severe I ended up in hospital on an antibiotic drip for the best part of a week.

The rescue shelter caught it in a trap and took it back. They neutered it and sent it to a farm.

Tumbleweed101 · 24/09/2020 17:31

When I've had new kittens I've had a bit of hiding initially, then a creep out to look about and scatter back hiding when someone moves but never hissing or biting from well socialised kittens. Within a day or so they've always been fine to come out and play.

Are they feral kittens or just from a household who couldn't cope with a litter? Did they tell you?

LondonJax · 24/09/2020 17:31

We got a 2 year old cat from the cat rescue. She spent the first week in our house hiding behind the photographs on our bookshelf. DH, DS and I just got her used to us by sitting on the floor in the room reading the newspaper or a book. We didn't touch her, left her in the room but we were in and out as it's off our kitchen so couldn't be avoided. Left her food down, which she ate but never in front of us. We spoke to her all the time so she got used to our voices, but just carried on like she wasn't there.

After a week she popped her head around the door of the living room but as soon as we looked at her she was back behind the photographs.

Two weeks later she came and sat by my side on the floor and accepted a stroke.

Now, three years later, she loves having a stroke on her tummy and it's a nightly ritual that lasts well over an hour that I stroke her ears and tummy.

She's never allowed us to lift her - apart from vet visits but it has to be at arms length or she's off. She won't sit on our laps or even on the sofa - we have to sit on the floor with her.

But that's her way. We want her in our lives so we accept her ways, we can understand and adapt, she can't.

But I would get back in touch with the cat rescue for advice if you think it's a bad fit. My first two cats were sisters and only 10 weeks old when we got them. We knew they were feral - they'd been seen out on their own when they could have only been 6 weeks old.

One settled and was with us until she died aged 9 years old. The other used to attack me, my ex (had some sense that cat!) and her sister. We got back in touch with the cat protection league after two weeks and they came to get her. She was re-housed on a farm where she was fed, housed in a barn but not put into the house. She couldn't cope with being in a home with people and noise etc., Apparently she settled very well on the farm - she just wanted regular food, a roof over her head but not the companionship of humans. She became an excellent mouser so the farmer was happy.

Even her sister, the one we kept, spent the first winter sleeping in the shed in really heavy snow. She'd eat her dinner, have a cuddle then go out of the cat flap and we'd find her sleeping curled up in the shed. So we put her cat basket out there with blankets and that's where she stayed. Within a year she'd figured out that the house was a lot more comfortable in the winter and you couldn't get anywhere near the fire from then on!

Not every cat suits a house environment and some that eventually do, need a lot of time to get out of the feral mentality.

Noshowlomo · 24/09/2020 17:32

Poor babies need a lot more time and love to settle in

SpilltheTea · 24/09/2020 17:32

Give them some time. It's horrible seeing them so scared and distressed when they first arrive, but they'll get braver very quickly. Ours had some toys from their old home that helped them feel safe.

Butterer · 24/09/2020 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrPickles73 · 24/09/2020 17:32

Two tiny kittens and five grabby children sound a bad combination. Either rein in your expectations or take them back.

Lotsofsocks · 24/09/2020 17:34

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

They had no expectations that they would be able to be picking them up, stroking them etc.

But your m first post said the reason your kids were upset was because they couldn’t touch them. Confused

If you have as much experience with cats as you say, you’d know they need more than a few hours to settle. They’re not toys after all.

Let them hide. They’ll come out when they’re feeling more comfortable, possibly when there’s no kids around.

We'd told them they would be scared and they wouldn't be able to touch them or stroke them. The kids were getting upset when I said how scared the cats were about being touched. Sorry, I didn't write that well in my earlier post.
OP posts:
StarCat2020 · 24/09/2020 17:34

Give them some time. It's horrible seeing them so scared and distressed when they first arrive, but they'll get braver very quickly.
And then you soon after that you realise that the cat is the boss of you.

(Perhaps that is just my cat)

twinguineas · 24/09/2020 17:35

They are terrified, no animal is going to settle in immediately. We foster animals and some take months to settle down. Yours probably won't but they will take more than a few hours. Give it time, you need to remember how scared they will be, especially if they have already had a traumatic time.

spinningaround72 · 24/09/2020 17:36

You need to give them time. They don't know if you're trying to stroke them or kill them and you're massive compared to them. We rescued a cat and she was very timid and scared, when she grew up she was the softest cat ever, would sleep around my neck when I was walking around the house.

vanillandhoney · 24/09/2020 17:37

@FreekStar

Ignore the posters saying let them settle. That's rubbish. Well socialised 10 week old kittens would not be behaving in the way you describe. These kittens sound totally feral and as if they have not been used to being handled or living in a house before. They are not suitable for your household at all and need be with someone who can socialise them.

I got two 8 week old kittens from the RSPCA and they were obviously used to people and friendly from the start- of course they took a while to find their way round the house and trust us completely, but they were never petrified or attacking us.

RSPCA spay at 8 weeks.

The RSPCA are not a charity or organisation I would take any form of animal welfare advice from. Spaying at eight weeks is absolutely not normal and not recommended by most. The Blue Cross, for example, recommend waiting until four months at a minimum. Some vets insist you wait until six months.

www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-advice/neutering-your-cat

And you should ABSOLUTELY let new animals settle into your home. You shouldn't just get them out and expect to grab, play and socialise with them off the bat.

Again, from the Blue Cross:

Moving to a new home is stressful for a kitten. Give reassurance and time to adjust to new surroundings before making introductions to other animals or people in the household. Ensure all doors and windows are closed and there is a guard in front of the fireplace. Ensure the kitten knows where the bed, litter tray and food bowls are.

In other words, don't overwhelm the kitten and take your time and be patient!

A great leaflet on it here:

www.bluecross.org.uk/sites/default/files/downloads/C2_web.pdf

Serin · 24/09/2020 17:38

We rescued a kitten once (from a shelter) and she was so sick the vet had to eventually put her to sleep. It was a horrible traumatic time that cost a fortune in both financial and emotional heartache.
Poor little mite had a malformed bowel that resulted in projectile diarrhoea, and an inability to absorb her food. She endured ops but never made it out of the hospital.
Never again.
Kids were heartbroken.she was apparently "healthy" when they rehomed her to us and said the diarrhoea was because she was stressed. Sad

LST · 24/09/2020 17:39

You need to give them more than hours. They need days to settle. My recent addition was 12 weeks old and hissed constantly at my dog and other 2 cats. 2 days later she was chasing my (large) collie around the living room. They'll settle down. Don't hound them, just give them a safe space. Litter tray, toys, a place to sleep and some dry food and water.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 24/09/2020 17:40

Take them back. Cats aren’t toys; they’re living creatures. You don’t have cats so that you can pick them up and stroke them after having them for an hour.
The poor things deserve better. They deserve someone willing to put in the time and effort to make them feel safe rather than be used as dolls.

LST · 24/09/2020 17:41

@freekstar I can't believe how totally wrong someone can be 🤣

Labracadabra · 24/09/2020 17:41

Oh OP you sound sad and worried and you're getting a lot of grief here. I'm a vet and these are my thoughts. It's been shown that kittens have a VERY short socialisation window, and kittens which haven't had much human interaction by 7 weeks of age are very unlikely to make highly sociable cats. From the behaviour of these kittens it sounds like they may be feral, perhaps found outside/in a barn etc and haven't been well socialised with humans. This doesn't mean they won't settle into being pets, but they're unlikely to be super cuddly friendly types, more the shy type who dash outside or under the bed when people visit. If you're ok with that, keep going. They will probably not be overtly aggressive (usually it's hand reared kittens who are the worst for that!) but may not ever be amenable to be cuddled/picked up etc. If that's not what you're after (and remember these guys could be around for 15 plus years), return them to the rescue centre sooner rather than later. Bringing cats into a house where a cat already lives is stressful for ALL the cats. All cats (including your existing cat) need safe places to hide away (many like to go up high, so top of wardrobes etc) and stay out of each other's way. As you have 3 cats now you'll need 4 litter trays and feeding stations so nobody has to share or queue (cats don't queue - they hate that).

VivaMiltonKeynes · 24/09/2020 17:47

@Laaalaaaa

You are being unreasonable for adopting kittens you are clearly too incompetent to look after. They are 10 weeks old, clearly far too young for the person selling them to be aware of their temperament - which also won’t have developed yet. We adopted our cat at 10 weeks and it took a good while for them to feel safe and secure with us. Your kittens have been ripped away from their mother at 10 weeks old and you expect them just to slot into your family life? Fuck me you are one clueless individual who doesn’t deserve those kittens.
I have to agree with this . Your comments show that you have no idea ESP when you say you have previous experience with cats/kittens. Do them a favour and take them back .
Newstart20 · 24/09/2020 17:48

We've just adopted two kittens, had them two weeks now. They have taken a lot of work and patience to get them to them to approach us (but sometimes won't accept a stroke) and to happily accept strokes (has to be timed right). As for picking them up they will tolerate it but certainly rarely sit on our laps.

They took a good week to start to settle despite being curious and relatively confident - they could be easily persuaded by treats. If you are going to keep them then I would suggest:

  • Keeping them confined to one room, preferably where they can't be disturbed. They may need to stay in here for a week depending on their personalities.
  • Have the adults sit in the room regularly on the floor, reading or watching TV and ignore the kittens. Let them get used to you.
  • Don't allow the children to approach them until they are much more settled.
  • In a day or two try to engage them in a game, they often respond better to this than touch.
  • After a couple of days handle them regularly but literally just pick up and set down again. You may be able to entice them to you with treats which will help the bonding process.
  • We found after a few days they would allow us to stroke them when they ate as they were more relaxed.

It's hard work to socialise kittens and create a bond with them. You need to invest a significant amount of time over the next few weeks in order to have well socialised cats when they grow up.

AllPlayedOut · 24/09/2020 17:49

And for those of you saying they are only frightened, sorry but you have clearly never come up against a wild cat. That's what feral means, they are wild animals.

I know exactly what feral cats are like. I used to rescue cats. I grew up in a family that rescued cats. I have been bottle feeding and helping with kittens since I was about four. We often had over a dozen cats at once because of our rescues(usually expectant mothers and/or kittens.) These cats are not necessarily feral. I've encountered quite a few kittens of that age who hissed and hid and occasionally bit. Most of those went on to be perfectly amenable. I have also rescued some feral cats that went on to become perfectly placid house cats and others that could never be handled and only had the temperament to be barn cats.

That said I do agree that they are too much for the OP who doesn't sound very well prepared and that the rescue have let her and the kittens down and it is better to return them because her home is not suited to them.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 24/09/2020 17:49

@AllPlayedOut

I wouldn't normally advocate returning an animal but in your situation I would. You aren't prepared for them and 5 kids and another cat is a lot for any kitten to handle.
Totally agree
justlonelystars · 24/09/2020 17:50

We adopter a kitten recently. She was apparently 10 weeks old but was in reality closer to 5-6 weeks. She was bitey and angry and not very well socialised at all. 10 weeks on she’s my little cuddlebug and has the loudest purr I’ve ever heard. Gets on well with my other 3 cats and is a lovely addition to the family.
Cats need time to settle. Your expectations are far too high. Put the kittens in a room by themselves where they won’t be disturbed for a few hours at least. Allow them to get used to the smells and sounds of the house before your husband goes trying to pick them up again. They’re babies and they’re confused and scared.