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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Off he went!

308 replies

Electrixdreamz88 · 24/09/2020 12:21

I fell down the stairs this morning and after the initial shock of just carrying on the pain was unbearable so got to a and e and have broke my foot. DP is off on his friends stag today his lift came an hour after it happened. He was half hour into his journey when I told him the news of the break. We have a 7 year old 2 year old and ten month old. He did the whole do u
You need me to come back? I just said no as I know if he did come back he will be annoyed all weekend missing out...but really he should have came back right?

OP posts:

unmarkedbythat · 24/09/2020 13:09

Wtf would you say "no" for if the answer is "yes"?

I agree he shouldn't even have asked, just come, but honestly, why give a selfish tit like that the excuse of "well I asked but you said no"?

Flatpackback · 24/09/2020 13:10

Posted too soon.. so he would have resented it/sulked if yes had said yes, now you are resentful because you said no. It's a no win situation due to poor communication.

cabingirl · 24/09/2020 13:10

Everyone saying you should have simply said "yes I want you home" are missing the point. He asked so that you would be put in a horrible position of being the bad guy and ruining his weekend.

You find out your co-parent has a broken ankle and three small children to take care of you either come straight home or immediately arrange for other help. ie. "Darling I'm ready to come straight back now but I've also rung my mother/sister/your mother, your sister etc and they are ready to take care of you and the kids tonight. Would that be okay with you and then I can be back early tomorrow"

Or as the fall happened before you had even left he could have already arranged for extra support before he got his lift.

He did neither.

dottiedodah · 24/09/2020 13:10

Sorry to hear this .Hope you are OK, Unless you have any family to help you then I think you should call up DH and explain he needs to come back ASAP! If he is going to be "annoyed " all W/E at missing out then maybe he should re think his prioritires!

frazzledasarock · 24/09/2020 13:10

I'd ignore all his texts.

What are his good points?

I cannot imagine my DP leaving me to go to A&E on my own. Or leaving me to take care of three very young dc with a broke ankle.

BrumBoo · 24/09/2020 13:11

@Electrixdreamz88

He was there when I fell he didn't leave until after

Yeah but you said you rang him to say it was broken. Who looked after the kids when you were being xrayed and such?

Roundedtail · 24/09/2020 13:11

Without generalising, men tend to be more literal than women. He asked, and you said no, therefore he isn't coming back. If you had said yes and then he refused that's different, but in his mind it's all okay because you literally told him not to. The key is be honest about what you want/need, not say the opposite and expect them to know when you're hoping for them to do the opposite

LavenderSatin · 24/09/2020 13:12

You poor thing!

You should have said yes! If you told him no, you have to accept he will believe you.

I hope you’re feeling better soon

KatherineJaneway · 24/09/2020 13:12

I don't think anyone could cope fine with three kids and a broken ankle. Him asking was letting me know he didn't want to come home to help

Don't you ever just say what you mean to each other?

I've rang my sister who has kindly let me and the kids come stay in hers she's on her way to pick me up.

Maybe he was banking on this as an option.

Roundedtail · 24/09/2020 13:13

Everyone saying you should have simply said "yes I want you home" are missing the point. He asked so that you would be put in a horrible position of being the bad guy and ruining his weekend.

So? If you want to say yes then say yes. My ex used to say what he thought I wanted to hear, or as a test to see if I would say the 'right' thing and then get annoyed when I did as he said, it was infuriating.

Sertchgi123 · 24/09/2020 13:14

@Electrixdreamz88

I fell down the stairs this morning and after the initial shock of just carrying on the pain was unbearable so got to a and e and have broke my foot. DP is off on his friends stag today his lift came an hour after it happened. He was half hour into his journey when I told him the news of the break. We have a 7 year old 2 year old and ten month old. He did the whole do u You need me to come back? I just said no as I know if he did come back he will be annoyed all weekend missing out...but really he should have came back right?

Annoyed all weekend

Is a massive red flag. Not only has he left you to cope with his children but you are also scared of him.

redastherose · 24/09/2020 13:14

He was selfish to go in the first place if you were in A & E and you shouldn't have to ask him to come home. The fact that he will be a sulky arse if he has to miss out on something due to your injury is another issue. Presumably he has form for making you unhappy if he misses out so you would rather not have the behaviour and cope. I'm not being critical because my exH was precisely the same and I put up with it for way too many years. Think about whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who thinks so little of their wife and kids that he would leave you with a broken ankle and small children to look after!

Iambouddicca · 24/09/2020 13:14

He should not have gone in the first place! Who was taking care of the two youngest DCs when you were at A&E?

Morgan12 · 24/09/2020 13:15

Yeah he should come home. But don't understand why you don't just phone and tell him that?

TwixTwixtwoo · 24/09/2020 13:16

I may well have said the same as you in the moment OP, mostly because I would have been flabbergasted he even needed to ask. Agree with PP who said you should message now saying you have no idea how you're going to manage now the shock has worn off and see what he suggests. I would use his own strategy in reverse though and make it his decision, I don't see how he can fail to see he has a responsibility to come back if you just say you cant manage and ask for suggestions and it can't be your fault if he can't come up with any alternative solutions can it? I'd be pretty disappointed that he tried to make it my choice in the first place though, and that your response had to take into account the probability of him sulking, not very fair, mature or attractive imo.

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/09/2020 13:17

Without generalising, men tend to be more literal than women. He asked, and you said no, therefore he isn't coming back.

I don't believe we are more literal than women, just that some of us are very good at playing that game. My opinion, he asked because he was looking for an out. Unless he's a complete idiot he knew fine well she almost certainly needed him to come home but he asked as a play before he folded his hand.

Original poster

Electrixdreamz88 · 24/09/2020 13:18

They are with the childminder.

I was on my way to work getting kids out the door when I fell. He was rushing leaving so was I so I think just was focused on getting out and not the pain then once I got to the childminders the pain was unbearable so her lovely husband dropped me to a and e

OP posts:

sqirrelfriends · 24/09/2020 13:18

He should have come home, and I can understand why you may have said no before realising the realities of a broken foot.

I'm honestly surprised he left you in A&E to go off on a stag. Ask him to come home.

ummnamechange · 24/09/2020 13:19

I'm always surprised when people cant read minds.

How very dare not realise yes means no and that no means yes....

generally martyrs wear hair shirts and crosses...

Etinox · 24/09/2020 13:21

I put YABU, because once he'd left and once you'd answered the horse had bolted. But really, he should have come home without asking.

ZoeTurtle · 24/09/2020 13:21

YANBU. He shouldn't have bloody asked, he should have just come right home. Some women have such low standards for "partners."

AbbieFB · 24/09/2020 13:22

He didn’t need to ask. It’s perfectly obvious that someone with a newly broken ankle and 3 kids will need some help.

My husband would have just come home without telling me.

ApolloandDaphne · 24/09/2020 13:24

As annoying as it is, he asked and you said no. If you are now going to your sisters then it has worked out fine. He can still get to enjoy the stag do and you can have a nice weekend hanging out with, and being looked after by, your sister. Win all round.

itbemay1 · 24/09/2020 13:26

As soon as my DH knew I'd broken my foot he would have come back anyway. I find it odd that he wouldn't even though you initially said no, you have very young children how will you manage?

Antonin · 24/09/2020 13:27

I was well accustomed to Pyrrhic victories when married to my ex. When I did persuade him to support me in someway he was sure to make me regret it by his miserable moody, sulking behaviour to the point where I’d wished I hadn’t asked.
THere are some circumstances where a decent person in a caring relationship knows that they need to provide support even if that means forgoing a pleasurable activity. The very act of asking if the OP wanted him to stay home indicated in neon lights that he was reluctant to do so and any agreement on his part would be grudging.
I’m sorry you’re in this position OP ; it must be very hurtful.

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