Off he went!

[Electrixdreamz88]

I fell down the stairs this morning and after the initial shock of just carrying on the pain was unbearable so got to a and e and have broke my foot. DP is off on his friends stag today his lift came an hour after it happened. He was half hour into his journey when I told him the news of the break. We have a 7 year old 2 year old and ten month old. He did the whole do u
You need me to come back? I just said no as I know if he did come back he will be annoyed all weekend missing out...but really he should have came back right?

I'd have told him that I needed help with the three children, obviously, but would probably discuss a plan that didn't involve him not going on the weekend. Unless it isn't a close friend
He should pick up the rest when he's back, though. Just sit and relax and let him sort out everything at home.

Was he still in his friend's car having a lift, or was he already on the motorway in the coach when you phoned? That also makes a bit of a difference. Would he have had to get out and get on public transport to come home while his mate continued, or would he have actually had to ask a coach driver to stop somewhere?

I would be livid if I was in a&e with a broken foot & 3 small kids & my DP thought it was OK to go on a stag do (who goes on a stag do during covid anyway??)

BUT I also know how my DP thinks. No means no. Yes means yes. I communicate what I feel to him truthfully and vice versa. Why didn’t you do the same? Who’s going to help you out now? How long is the stag do?

Because men generally would see it as though he asked, you said no, so then that's fine!!

‘I said no because of the fact he asked’

So you cut off your nose to spite your face and are now bitching about it.

Him asking was probably his way of forcing you to tell him to come back/putting the onus on you to make the call... but at the same time, you should have been honest and told him (if he's clueless enough not to just know it) that it's going to be nearly impossible for you to care for the children on your own, if you're supposed to be staying off your feet (as I imagine would be the case).

Since you have family who can help for a few days, I guess you'll manage, and it would be annoying to lose the money already spent on his trip... but I understand feeling hurt that he just goes "great!" and scampers off to play without a backward glance. He's made a selfish choice, but you let him.

I'd probably end up working myself into a fury about it and eventually texting him to shut up about the weather and drinks, etc., because you're busy dealing with real life back at home (and nursing a broken foot). I'm not saying you should do that, but I know myself well enough to say that I probably would!

Where is the stag do? And how long for?

I’d hate to be in a relationship where one of us stopped the other from having a fun weekend away unless it was absolutely 100% unavoidable. I also think I’d be pretty annoyed with a friend who no showed my hen (or made someone else driving them also turn back?!) when not totally essential.

Frankly you’re going to have a crappy few days adjusting to your foot injury but will be fine, and you’ve already made plans for how to get by without him. If it becomes a situation where you can’t get by, then you need to tell him.

But if it was the other way around, no way in hell would I voluntarily come back unnecessarily, not would I want him to. I think life should have a bit of fun, and partners should support others to have good times as much as possible.

The stag is about four hours away he could have easily got off the bus and got home as his mum offered to go pick him up. He's away for four days. Tbh I really want him to go and see his friends but I know have a strong feeling that it's his friends then me in level of importance. When a slight inconvenience happens to his friends or they get sick he is very seriously concerned about them but this is quite serious I think and that same level of concern isn't there

There are no winners in the "but i didn't want to ask him to come home, he should want to" conversations.

Be clear or don't even tell him. It is no wonder men say that women send mixed signals when this kind of thing happens all the time, from what i read on here.

Hope the foot doesn't inconvenience you too much though, it's a big enough pain normally without small children added to the mix.

He shouldn’t have asked.

Your response should have been I don’t want you to, I obviously need you to and I’m not particularly impressed you had to ask.

Well as usual this is really the straw that broke the camel's back for you OP. You seem to care about him more than he cares about you - and only on MN is that an acceptable basis for a marriage.

I also hate when men make us out to be the bad guy when all we are asking is for them to show respect and mind their DC - my DH is the same but I long ago stopped caring what he thought or his friends thought and if I need him here for the DC I say it and expect him to come home or find me a minder.

I think you’re getting a bit of an unfair bashing here OP.

I fully see that you said it was OK to stay away because you anticipated fall out .

Now not only do you have a broken foot and the resulting inconvenience and worry but you’re also realising that your partners let you down .

Sending you sympathy and the wish that you can resolve the issues with him so he doesn’t leave you in the lurch again

When a slight inconvenience happens to his friends or they get sick he is very seriously concerned about them but this is quite serious I think and that same level of concern isn't there.

Do you always downplay the severity of your problems to him, as you did this time, to avoid "bothering" him or making him sulky? Are his friends the type to act as though a paper-cut will kill them?

Unless this is just the latest in a pattern of behaviour, I'd try not to give it too much weight. It's possible that he just took you at your word and has no idea how bad it is.

When he comes back from his trip and you get a good chance, maybe it's time to discuss this feeling of not being important or valued. I doubt he's aware you're feeling that way, unless he's a truly shitty partner.

I think it’s not a good idea to start pitting yourself against his friends like this. It’s a special occasion with them, you shouldn’t want him to cancel it unless it’s absolutely 100% necessary, and it’s clearly not.

Likewise if you had booked a weekend away with him for an anniversary, and his friend had an injury and he offered to stay with the friend instead (when the friend had other options) you would be annoyed. Obviously it’s not the same because you’re his partner, but if one person can make other arrangements and the fun, planned event can still go ahead, then it should.

Your foot will still be injured regardless of what he does, and your children will still be ok. He will owe your sister a really nice couple of bottles of wine, and it might be necessary for him to make his way home early.

But come running back like the situation is earth shattering? No, it sucks and will be inconvenient, but it’s not like it’s an emotional moment where only he can be there for you

Where has he gone for 4 days? And how many on the stag do? Not very responsible considering the current situation! So a group of them have traveled for 4 hours across the country & will undoubtedly be in close contact with one another? And be out in the local Pubs? Where has he travelled to? We are in a local lockdown here & cannot mix with other households indoors. So my children can’t even visit their grandparents & vice versa. We can only meet in public places & even then it’s social distancing. Pretty fucked off with hearing others taking the absolute piss, like a stag do 4 hours away for 4 days. Not to mention your family are now taking care of you HIS wife & HIS kids. He sounds an absolute child himself.

This really isn’t a time to be making ‘fun’ a priority. You’re in the shit & you need him. The country is in the shit too because of these selfish minded people ‘oh but I deserve fun, I deserve a stag do’ FFS

Everyone saying you should have simply said "yes I want you home" are missing the point. He asked so that you would be put in a horrible position of being the bad guy and ruining his weekend.

he asked because he wanted her answer. And her answer was "no". I really don't get why he's the bad guy for that.

He shouldn't have left in the first place, but at the point of the conversation it was done and dusted.

Use proper words with your real meaning, OP, and call him and tell him to come home if that's what you want. And if he sulks? tell him to grow up.

I don't get this. You told him you broke your foot. He asked if you need him to come back. You said no. So what's the issue? He was obviously willing to come back as he asked you. But if you tell him you don't need him to then of course he's going to choose to go on his stag do.

I do hope your foot heals quickly though and that you have someone else to support you with the kids.

Honestly you are being a martyr. Reply to his text:
sorry but I’m in quite a bit of pain, can’t move and am really struggling. There is no way I could manage here on my own, my sister has come to get us and the poor thing is kindly going to look after us all. I spoke to the doctor and you will be doing all pick up and drop offs for about 6 weeks.

Because this is obviously not going to happen: I work full time but 80% of childcare is on me ie bringing them picking up sorting etc so I'm worried how I will manage this You will manage this because your children have a father who in theory loves you? And if he won’t take his own children to childcare while you have a broken foot then not sure he loves you or the children, he sure doesn’t act like it. But you have to give him a chance by bloody well telling him this.

How do you downplay a broken bone?

OP must have told her P her ankle is broken. Unless she’s said oh it’s just a scratch, he’s a completely useless dickhead for abandoning his family for a four day jolly when his family need him.

@frazzledasarock

How do you downplay a broken bone?

OP must have told her P her ankle is broken. Unless she’s said oh it’s just a scratch, he’s a completely useless dickhead for abandoning his family for a four day jolly when his family need him.

But breaking a bone doesn’t mean you’re necessarily unable to do things or in a bad place? People break bones all the time, and usually are in work the next day and getting on with their lives. The world doesn’t stop because someone broke a bone or got a cast. In the vast majority of cases it’s not that serious, it’s just an irritant. The OP isn’t a child, she doesn’t need someone to spend ages saying “oh no! Big cast!” etc. Unless there’s a practical reason they can’t cope without him, it would be unreasonable for him to not attend at least part of the stag.

He doesn't know how much pain you're in, how much it's affecting your mobile and therefore how much you're going to struggle with your children.

He asked you did you want him to come back.

You said no.

Sorry, but what is the man meant to do? It does my head in when people play mind games or guessing games and say the opposite of what they mean. He'd have come back if you'd asked, but instead of doing that you just said no I'm fine.

I'm honestly baffled.

@Electrixdreamz88

The stag is about four hours away he could have easily got off the bus and got home as his mum offered to go pick him up. He's away for four days. Tbh I really want him to go and see his friends but I know have a strong feeling that it's his friends then me in level of importance. When a slight inconvenience happens to his friends or they get sick he is very seriously concerned about them but this is quite serious I think and that same level of concern isn't there

I think this is unfortunately quite common, that a couple are so used to one another that it almost feels unnecessary to make a fuss - downplaying things that they would make a fuss of with people they don't see every day. Not very nice, I know. Do you feel like you show more concern and sympathy for him when he's ill - is it an unfair balance? Or do you think you could encourage him to be more sympathetic if you made more of a fuss of him?

Why do you do 80% of the childcare if you also work full time?